Desperately need advice.

N

Newbiewife

New member
So I am in a pickle.... hi guys first post here.
I need advice.. quite badly.

I've been married for 12 years. Happily for around the first 10 years of that. We have 2 children. We both live busy lives working and caring for the kids. We lost the spark in our marriage somewhere along the way... and as i was 19 when we got married i had always been honest with my husband and said that at some stage, I am going to want to experience sex with someone else.
So fast forward to now... I get unsettled. I tell him I want to try an open relationship. I'm not the jealous type and neither is he - so we agreed to try it.

Problem - i chose to have sex with someone from work. Rookie mistake. Husband knows I had sex with a guy but didn't know it was a collegue. This was in june. We are now 3 months down the track and my colleague says he has fallen in love with me... wants to leave his wife and be with me. Was crying and begging me at work today to be with him.... it was not what i had envisioned when i explained what my husband and i were going to do, and we both agreed it would be casual sex only.

Problem number 2. I went away for a 10 day trek. The trek leader and I had great chemistry. So when we finished the trek and had a night drinking before flying home.. we hooked up. Again I explained my husband and I choices. That was in July. Second rookie mistake is that i kept in touch with him... I really really liked the guy. Feelings have developed and now he wants me to leave my husband and bring my kids to move in with him and be a family.

I am so overwhelmed... I am out of my depth. I'm so inexperienced sexually and with relationships. I dont know what to do!!! Before this came up i had only ever been with my husband. I'm not opposed to the open relationships but how do you make it work??

I've also realised... that even though my husband and i agreed to do it I immediately started keeping things from him... such as my first one being my collegue.. and that I've kept in touch with the second one.

My husband is currently messaging a girl in another state. He is constantly on his phone.. she sends him nude pics.

Do people normally keep in contact with their hookups?? Are there rules to doing this and if so what are They??

All of this craziness has definitely had me tempted to pack up and leave... I've been showered with attention from another man and it feels so good... I tried so hard to fight the feelings but I have fallen for him. We have children that will be affected by this choice. And I'm very consious that this attention possibly wont last if i go to be with him. I'm not sure that hubby and I have anything left for each other... I feel empty toward him. But whether this is because of my being in contact with another man, I'm not sure.

What do people think from an outside perspective? Help me!
 
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Hello,

Might I suggest that you're simply not looking for a polyamory marriage...but an excuse to leave your husband ?

Polyamory requires a lot of open communication and honnesty, the fact that you've been keeping him in the dark is a problem. You have to think about others. A lot. It can have heavy consequences on a lot of people. And it seems that the men that you've "hooked-up" with are not polyamory but just agreeing to this because they want you.

Polyamory is not just hooking-up, it's developing meaningful relationships with multiple people, and sex is not always in the equation.

Maybe you should think about this.

It's not enough to explain what you want, you should also be clear that THEY must discuss this in THEIR marriage and be clear what they might expect from you after. And you should discuss it with your husband, asking him if he's okay with you being with that person. His opinion might be good to think over but don't give it the final say. The choice is still yours. (And vice versa).

If you feel uneasy that he is doing the same, maybe it's a clue that you should discuss the fact that you feel empty towards him. Open relationship is not a solution to save your marriage.

You should feel free to leave him and explore other things, if you think that's what you need.

If you really think that polyamory is the thing for you, maybe go with your husband to polyamorous gatherings (oftentime in coffee shops), and get to know people from the community, listen to their view on the subject. You might get some good advice and an appropriate envrionment to inform you at least.

Good Luck. :)
 
Oh wow, two men you've only had sort-of-a-relationship with for ~3 months wanting you to leave your husband for them ... that's a lot.

I know it's hard, but I recommend telling them a firm no, breaking up and going no contact (as far as possible with the coworker) now. Simply because you don't sound ready to do any life-changing decisions. After that, you need to slow way down with dating so that you can
  • Think about all that happened and how you want to go forward
  • Come clean to your husband about what a mess you made and how you solved it (or didn't)
  • Educate yourself (both of you). Find out about the difference between polyamory and open relationships, best practices and pitfalls. (This forum is a good resource for polyamory, not so much "sex only" open relationships.) Communicate.
  • Possibly re-negotiate with your husband about the type of (non)monogamy you're doing
  • Work on your relationships with your husband - or figure out if divorce is better for you

It seems you withheld things out of fear and shame. Don't be too harsh on yourself, honest communication is hard. It takes a strong intention and time to learn and practice the emotional management skills involved. (A couch or therapist could help with that, if necessary. )
 
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Hey there, Newbiewife. It sounds to me like you need to assess what you're really looking for. Are you hoping to keep your marriage intact and have some sexy fun on the side? Are you looking for a new monogamous situation with someone other than your husband? Or are you looking for multiple relationships going on at once, with both an emotional and a sexual component?

Once you're clear on what you want, you can start to communicate that effectively with everyone involved. If you want to have ongoing sexual and emotional relationships with people besides your husband, you've got to be clear with these other people that you're not planning to leave your husband--and that it's not cool that they keep asking you to do it. It sounds to me like the guys you've chosen to hook up with so far are all monogamous, and so they expect things to proceed accordingly--either you're cheating, or you're trading in your spouse for a new relationship.

There are other models. In my own case, I've been married for ten years, but my husband and I have been nonmonogamous from the start. He's generally too busy for additional partners, but is comfortable enough with the fact that I'm dating that my boyfriend has slept over at my house before, and we have seriously discussed all living together someday. There's no expectation from my boyfriend that I'm leaving my husband for him. Yet he knows that I love him as deeply as I have ever loved anyone. That doesn't dictate the shape of our relationship.

But maybe that's not what you're looking for. Maybe you want to be sexually open but emotionally monogamous with your husband. Or maybe you're just ready to move on and get divorced. Whatever it is you're looking for, it's up to you to figure that out. And the sooner the better. It sounds to me like the longer you wait to get clear on this, the more heartache is bound to ensue.
 
Thank you for the advice i really appreciate it.
I'm not quite sure why I've kept things from my husband. I think that despite our agreement theres a part of me that expects him to be upset with me. Possibly because of the emotional component of the other men.

The reason I'm uneasy about what my husband is doing messaging this girl is because he has become super protective over his phone. He's on edge if its sitting on the bench near me and will specifically get up to come and get it. I dont snoop... but I know he isn't being completely honest with me either. We are both just as bad as each other.

Is sex without an emotional connection even a thing? Or is it then totally not enjoyable? I had sparks with both men... but absolutely in no way led them to believe that i loved them. And yes... both monogomous men. The work colleague was a massive mistake. I have a lot of guilt over it - having to see him every day is hard. And knowing that he has a wife at home that didn't consent makes me feel sick. I dont want to be that kind of person and I dont want to breakup peoples relationships.

I'm not quite sure what I want with my husband... all of this has muddied the waters on how i feel about him. But obviously I need to come clean... and if we are to have an open relationship start again with likeminded people.. and honesty. We get along just fine... no arguments etc. But most of the time I feel like I have a housemate instead of a life partner.
 
Also I realise i didn't reply to every point made here but I did read and consider all of it. There's a lot there that I/we hadn't considered before. The idea my husband and i had was to have sexual experiences with others, not relationships with others. Ideally I would like to be able to achieve this.. but we have gone about it totally the wrong way when I read what others are doing and just how open and honest everything needs to be. I don't know if its an excuse for divorce... We lost some excitement and wanted to add some spark. Instead its had the opposite effect.
 
Hi Newbiewife,

I wonder if maybe you and your husband would like to open up your marriage to more than just fun hookups. You might want to renegotiate your agreed-upon rules. Also you'll need to decide, is leaving your husband something you would consider? If not, you should tell your trek-leader friend that it's not on the table. The two men you've been seeing, do they think they're having an affair with you? Do they think your husband doesn't know? If they do, you might want to talk with them about that. Your coworker friend, does his wife know that he has been seeing you? If she doesn't, you might want to talk with him about that. And you might want to tell him that leaving his wife is unacceptable to you. Like you are willing to keep dating him if and only if she knows and he is staying with her.

Maybe you'll even want to consider having co-primary partners, but I won't get into that right now. I hope you are able to work things out. Keep us posted.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Having sex without emotional connection is definitely a thing for some people.

While just having sex on the side is a form of non-monogamy, it is not polyamory. Polyamory must allow for the possibility of multiple loving relationships.

In poly world we call those two guys "cowboys". They are trying to wrangle you away from your hubby. It's a pretty common thing mono people try to do. That is why you have to be VERY clear with them up front. Personally I would dump someone who tried to get me to leave someone for them.

If you just want to hook up you should have lots of guys to choose from. try not to play so close to home (or work...lol). Just be honest with the guys up front. That way it's on them if they get carried away.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Having sex without emotional connection is definitely a thing for some people.
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Some people is the key phrase here. For some people it's not interesting at all, some people do one night stands just fine (or even long-term just-sex relationships). For most people I guess having sex will stir up some bonding hormones/emotions, but it needn't be overwhelming unless contact is regular. Frankly, you have to find out by experience if it's a thing for you. Maybe you can do a hookup just fine, but you have to resist the temptation to keep contact afterwards.
 
I have discovered for myself... I'm not interested in having sex with someone if there's not an attraction. Therefore if im attracted to someone enough to sleep with them then there's an emotional connection. However thats not what hubby and I agreed on. It was "Just sex" outside of our marriage. I guess these terms will need renegotiation as mentioned earlier.
 
Kevin T - both men were made very clear that I'm married, we are trying an open relationship, I'm looking for no strings attached experiences and nothing more. The work colleague did not tell his wife. She read some messages on his phone and he lied about it to her - said that we kissed.. once.
She then came into our workplace to speak to me about It!!!!!! We had a chat and I apologised and assured her it wouldn't happen again. And it really is not happening again but he is not taking no for an answer. Despite his wife coming in she still doesn't know we had sex which doesnt sit well with me.

The second one - I made it clear again, it was not to be any more than sex. He said he has never had sex without an emotional connection. I said fair enough as long as you understand what we are doing here. I even flat out said... DO NOT fall in love with me, and he assured me I wasn't his type and he wouldnt. Argh!!
So with that arrangement seemingly being perfect he asked if we enjoyed it can it be a regular thing, and I thought why not... now he lives in another state. He has flown to see me twice since the july trek... And yesterday emailed me tickets to go to him in both November and December. My husband knows about the trek leader and also knows about the plane tickets... And he has told me to go. But under the circumstances of him now saying he wants me to leave my husband it changes everything. And I have developed strong feelings for him and slowly decided that I really love the person he is...

So you can see why this is such a mess.
 
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It seems like you and your guys are seeing only two possible options; sex with no feelings and you stay with your husband, or sex plus feelings and you leave hubby for them. That means that from their point of view as soon as there are feelings your divorce is automatically on the table.

There is another option, which you need to make clear to them up front: Sex is ok, feelings are ok, and you're staying with your husband so they need to be on board with that not changing. Don't try to ban feelings, accept them with the stated expectation—clearly understood by your new partners—that their development in a new relationship doesn't mean you've lost them in your older relationship. If a new guy isn't willing to respect that then it's up to you to put your foot down. Don't let them think that they can try to win you away from hubby by pulling some kind of cheesy rom-com-inspired "one true love" crap.
 
Hi Newbiewife,

I see what you mean about things being a right mess. The first guy is cheating on his wife, the second guy wants you to leave your husband. And feelings are involved with both men. Can I ask, the colleague has developed feelings for you, have you also developed feelings for him? I know with the trek guy the feelings are mutual. Anyway, both of those situations are a mess.

I hope the various posts here are helpful to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Emm said:
It seems like you and your guys are seeing only two possible options; sex with no feelings and you stay with your husband, or sex plus feelings and you leave hubby for them. That means that from their point of view as soon as there are feelings your divorce is automatically on the table.

There is another option, which you need to make clear to them up front: Sex is ok, feelings are ok, and you're staying with your husband so they need to be on board with that not changing. Don't try to ban feelings, accept them with the stated expectation—clearly understood by your new partners—that their development in a new relationship doesn't mean you've lost them in your older relationship. If a new guy isn't willing to respect that then it's up to you to put your foot down. Don't let them think that they can try to win you away from hubby by pulling some kind of cheesy rom-com-inspired "one true love" crap.
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This is my thought process exactly. They think that once feelings develop, they need to wrangle you away from your husband in order to keep seeing you. If you and your husband were okay with actual polyamory, then maybe they could see a way forward that doesn't involve you leaving your husband.

I'd straight-up tell your husband that you aren't okay with non-monogamy if feelings are banned. And also that whatever he's hiding from you he needs to come clean about.
 
Newbiewife said:
So I am in a pickle....


I've also realised... that even though my husband and i agreed to do it I immediately started keeping things from him... such as my first one being my collegue.. and that I've kept in touch with the second one.
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why where there some agreements made that you violated ??

My husband is currently messaging a girl in another state. He is constantly on his phone.. she sends him nude pics.
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this doesn't sound too odd ....are you suggesting this is a problem for you ??


Do people normally keep in contact with their hookups?? Are there rules to doing this and if so what are They??
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I've never heard of any specific rules for contact with hook ups so I tend to think NO :). Which is good then you can't break them. :D


All of this craziness has definitely had me tempted to pack up and leave... I've been showered with attention from another man and it feels so good... I tried so hard to fight the feelings but I have fallen for him. We have children that will be affected by this choice.
I'm slightly confused 2 yrs ago you lost the spark in your marriage and you thought having outside relationships would put that back ??? Other than dating other men what have you done to recapture that spark ?


I'm not sure that hubby and I have anything left for each other... I feel empty toward him. But whether this is because of my being in contact with another man, I'm not sure.
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I haven't read the other comments so I hope this isn't redundant but I'd put the horse down. Life's too short to spend with someone you feel empty/ nothing for. And chances are he's picked up on that and it's created its own death spiral. At least you got lots of options. Good luck to you.
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Thanks for the constructive advice.. it has really helped give me a lot to think about and discuss with my husband. Very helpful group of people. Xx
 
I think the advice here from experienced polyamorists has been nice and consistent.

I want to emphasise that, for many if not most people, despite our apparent present "hook up culture" of this phase of the sexual revolution that started in the late 1950s, feelings follow sex.

You were inexperienced at sex and relationships when you married at 19. So you thought, "At some point, despite being married, I will want to have sex with other men." It didn't occur to you that what you'd really desire was the romance, the connection, the fondness approaching love, that would follow the sex.

It can be very very heady to get showered with NRE (new relationship energy) love and hot sex and attention from a new person, after years of being in a relationship that has gotten humdrum with kids and chores and bills and all that day to day stuff. We take our spouse for granted, we forget to date and make special times that lead to hot sex and renewed bonding and flutters of those feelings we first had for them.

So, it sounds like your marriage got stale and somehow you had the idea having sex with others would... make you feel sexier and therefore hot for you husband again? Make him a bit jealous and possessive and want to reclaim you sexually and romantically?

Some of the best advice I got when my long term marriage was struggling and I was getting hot attention and cyber sex from another man was: don't leave your husband FOR another guy. Leave your husband, if you must, because it's good for YOU. Because there is no way to predict how the new relationship will work out. It might only last a few months. New guy may turn out to be a douche. And then you'd split from him, and you're also split from your husband, and wondering what is wrong with you for fucking things up so royally.

Spend time considering if you can rekindle things with your husband, if you even want to. Divorce him if there is nothing left between you, and your reckon you'd be better off as friends (maybe), and good co-parents.

As for your h being protective of his phone, it seem natural. That's his lifeline to his new interest. You shouldn't be reading his texts. You may not even want to be informed they have progressed to sending nudes.

But for now, it seems you and husband need to have several heart to hearts. You need to decide if you just want to renegotiate your understandings: that "sex only" isn't working, and you want to transition to true polyAMORY. Or you're totally bored or continually irritated, with each other, grown apart, and want to separate and divorce.

As for your cowboy colleague, he's cheating on his wife. Dump him. If he wants to divorce her FOR you, my above advice holds for him as well. At least go "no contact" with him for 40 days. (Working together will suck but keep things professional only.) Block his number so there can be no calls, no texts. No stalking his FB or twitter either, and definitely no meeting in person, outside of the bare minimum required at work.

Take a break from Trekkie too, no contact 40 days. Your marriage is foundering. You've put 12 years into it, you can take 40 (or more) days to come clean about everything with Hubby, and see where it all stands, for real.

Hubby could also choose to go no contact with his female interest, at least for a while, to work on your much needed renegotiation. You could request that. It's up to him though.
 
Thank you magdlyn,
You are absolutely spot on with everything you've said. Perhaps 40 days will give me a clearer answer for what I want with my husband - at the moment I'm torn between trying harder or just leaving.
We are off on a family holiday to bali on monday so this may help.
Actually the biggest issue with my husband is the sex... and for me thats a big one. He refuses to give oral sex and thinks womens wet stuff is gross... and so are periods. To me this is childish and it makes me really angry. I've heard "gross" and "yuck" many times over the years about my vagina! Last time he said it I turned around and lost it at him. I've tried so hard to tell him what i want in the bedroom... doesnt want to use toys, doesnt like to be adventurous. So for me taking on a lover who literally adores the vagina and gives me everything and anything I want sexually really brings back that resentment towards my husband.
After so many years of this i think he's not going to change, and ive openly told him that I'm upset at our sex life and the lack of spice... he is very selfish in the bedroom.

As for the nude pics - that doesnt bother me in the slightest. Its more the protectiveness over the phone. I've never snooped and never will so I guess it had me questioning whether he is creating a relationship with someone and also not being open about it with me. I saw the nude pics because I happened to look over when we were both sitting on the couch. Usually he makes sure I can't see the phone.

We have had some small conversations over the last few days, but havn't yet had a whole lot of time without someone else being in the room with listening ears so I am hoping to sit down with a couple drinks in Bali for a proper chat.
 
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Wow. I would certainly not be willing to go mono with someone with that attitude towards sex, probably wouldn't be willing to sleep with them unless they had, I don't know, a cock blessed by Thor himself, and would most likely try and transition the relationship to a friends/coparenting one at best. Clearly YMMV but that's not salvageable, to me.
 
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