Did I change? What am I?

[Firegirl]

Hi,

I need some advice about my situation and I hope to find it here.

I have two partners, a cis male and a cis female. Both are monogamous. I always have been poly, I think, but spent my life so far being with men in monogamous relationships. I also have ADHD, which could be part of the problem, but I don't know.

My bf was first a bit shocked and overwhelmed, but then okay with me being also with a woman. I feel that our relationship has become stronger because I then could share everything I am with him. I had been friends with my gf for a couple of years. We started our relationship some months ago. Being with a woman was new to me, but it felt very natural to me and the whole situation felt right.

Of course, both of them can have other partners, but they don't want to. They both like each other. Occasionally, all three of us went swimming with the kids, etc. I always struggled a bit with how to be fair with quality time, what to tell the one person about time spent with the other person, etc. But I felt like it all worked out and both of my partners were happy.

Then I got pregnant. It was planned, but we all were very surprised, because it was so fast. I have no kids with my actual bf yet, but I have a kid from a previous relationship. My gf knew that we wanted to try and have a kid. But because it happened so fast, we could not work out everything in advance. I also thought a lot could be discussed during the pregnancy.

My gf has two kids with her previous wife. She told me that she was anxious, because her wife changed during the second pregnancy and turned away from her. I assured her that this would not be the case with me. I was very sure about my feelings for her and it was the truth back then.
We talked a lot about her role in the kid's life and her main concern was about "intruding on our new family" with her wishes. But I was totally ready to share everything with her and my bf was also okay with her "being on the team."

It all started with me being nauseous and feeling sick. I didn't want to engage sexually with her, but also not with my bf. I considered it to be normal in the first weeks. I only wanted to be home and felt very bad physically and emotionally. I live with my bf and he took good care of me. I am feeling better now, but I feel like I avoid my gf, and I have to admit that my feelings have changed. I feel very bad about it. Of course I still see her and kiss her and snuggle. But if I am honest, I feel pressured to do so. I still like her a lot. I am afraid to be open about it with her. I am afraid that it might not come back. Or maybe I am overreacting, and it will come back when I feel even better and more like myself? I am also very concerned that it all was not real and only a shiny little fling. But it did not feel like that.

Please share your thoughts, I would be very grateful.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's common for our libidos to ebb and flow during pregnancy. But do you still desire your bf, but not your gf?

Sex drive during pregnancy: Understanding libido changes

Among the many changes that women experience during pregnancy, they may notice that their sex drive increases or decreases in different trimesters. Learn more about sex drive changes and the safety of sex and masturbation during pregnancy here.

www.medicalnewstoday.com

 

[Firegirl]

Thank you so much for your answer. I desire both of them in a way, but not very much compared to the time before pregnancy. It's more like I don't want to act on it with her. With him... twice since April. But with him I am relatively sure it will be okay.

It is like she does not feel safe for me. I am very(!) sensitive about boundaries and she always has been demanding and a bit careless. I could easily deal with it before the pregnancy. But now I am extra protective of my body. My bf gives me enough space and control to feel safe during this time. My gf told me she wanted to wait until she could touch me, too. In the beginning of the pregnancy I offered to her I could do some things (back then I wanted to!), but she refused. She meant well, but for me it was pressure. I talked about it with her, but I am not sure she fully understands.

I feel very disconnected from her in every way.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Firegirl,

Pregnancy is infamous for being a time of change and transition. You honestly can't tell where your feelings for your girlfriend will go, and whether your desires for her will come back. I think that you can still love her as a friend, even if the romance goes away. But that's all hypothetical right now, you can't predict where your hormones will go over the next nine months. Also things will be different after your baby is born, you have a child from a previous relationship, so you know how intense things are with a baby, how much time and energy is required to care for a baby. You are just going through a lot of changes, I guess is my point.

It sounds like you have been willing to touch your girlfriend, but she wants to touch you? Also you said that she has always been demanding and a bit careless. Are those traits something she could work on? Perhaps it would help if she was a little more easygoing and careful. Is she willing to work on that? and if she is, maybe that would help you feel better about her touching you, but I don't know.

Hopefully things will work out with her.
Kevin T.

 

[Firegirl]

Thank you. Yes, I know about these changes, but I am shocked about my changed feelings. If it was only for sex, I would not be concerned. I am not sure if this path is still open for me. There is so much pressure going on, some of it only in my head, I suppose. She is very careful now. She only snuggles and kisses me gently. But I don't want to do anything more than that. To be honest, I have to force myself into kissing her. But then it feels okay or even good. But that's not enough for me. I know these feelings from when I was a teenager, having my very first experiences with boys, and that really did harm me. I only want to do what I truly want to do.

But how do I tell her that without her being totally devastated? It's like her worst fear coming true.

Also... what if it's just a bad hormonal phase?

But I feel like I am faking my relationship and I don't like that.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Firegirl,

It can be quite a shock when your feelings change, and these aren't just sexual feelings, these are the romantic feelings you had. It can be quite disorienting when you don't know if you are still into women, I take it that is one of the things you are unsure about right now.

I suppose the thing to say to your girlfriend is that you are going through some changes, and you hope it's only temporary, but in the meantime, you don't want to force anything. And maybe tell her that the snuggles are still good, but you just want to take a break from the kissing for a while.

I hope your feelings for her will return in due time. I can see that things are very difficult right now, and I feel bad for you. I also feel bad for your girlfriend, but you have to be honest with her, don't you think? It's not like you are doing this on purpose.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

My female partner has ADHD. We are very tight emotionally, but our sex is fairly rare. We've been together 15 years. I have a very strong libido, but her sex drive has really waned over the years. She has a male partner too, of 10 years, and from what she tells me, they rarely have sex anymore either.

She is on meds for anxiety/depression, and on estrogen for a hormonal imbalance, and I think it effects her libido. I understand ADHD can also affect the ability to have sex because it causes distractibility. My gf loves to kiss and cuddle, but then again, she's not pregnant.

Are you being treated for your ADHD? I am not a doctor or therapist, so all I can tell you is what I see in my gf's behaviors.

I have always had male partners who have helped fulfill me sexually. I see that your new gf doesn't want another partner, but it's possible she might want to branch out if your ADHD, your pregnancy, or your infant when it comes limits your ability or desire to be intimate.

It's kind of you to be concerned because she had another partner who rejected her during her second pregnancy, and you don't want to be "the bad guy." But you didn't expect this to happen. And gf knew you and your bf were trying to conceive when you and she switched from being platonic friends to being lovers. She took the chance with you anyway. You made assurances you really couldn't guarantee, because you weren't expecting this to happen.

Luckily you'd only been lovers for a few months before this happened. It's not the end of the world if a new partner doesn't work out. Initial compatibility doesn't always lead to long-term compatibility.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am going to lift these up so you can see them closer together.

My gf told me she wanted to wait until she could touch me, too.

It sounds like GF is ok with dialing down sex and other physical things while you are pregnant.

She is very careful now. She only snuggles and kisses me gently. But I don't want to do anything more than that.

It sounds like it's going at the pace it needs to be right now. She's limiting it to snuggles and being gentle with the kisses. You don't want to do more than that right now. So how about being ok with it there until you are past the pregnancy, and a little further along into pregnancy recovery?

To be honest, I have to force myself into kissing her. But then it feels okay or even good. But that's not enough for me. I know these feelings from when I was a teenager, having my very first experiences with boys, and that really did harm me. I only want to do what I truly want to do.

If you need to scale back even from the snuggles and kissing sometimes? You want NOTHING? You could HONOR that. Cut yourself a break while pregnant.

When I was pregnant, I was all over the map, anti-touch, anti-smell, anti-sounds, even! I felt like Ms Jekyll/Ms Hyde sometimes!

Also... what if it's just a bad hormonal phase?

You could give yourself permission to be a hormonal mess then. Have an authentic pregnancy with mood swings and weirdness and all it is gonna be. Each pregnancy is its own story.

Warn your partners that you are all over the place, and ask for some grace. Try not to be TOO horrible, but if you are having a wackadoo day, have it. Sometimes resisting just makes it harder or makes it last longer. If you get the weepies and want to cry at cat food commercials, have the weepies then. (That was one of mine, and so weird. I don't even have cats!)

But how do I tell her that without her being totally devastated? It's like her worst fear coming true.

Also... what if it's just a bad hormonal phase?

But I feel like I am faking my relationship and I don't like that.

How about taking it week by week, with less judgement of yourself, your feelings and your thoughts? During pregnancy, there's a WHOLE bunch of things going on, with hormones, feelings, sensations, and more. You might not feel like your usual self, and you are NOT. You are pregnant.

For cuddles or sex, you might consider "colors," like in kink. Only here it would be giving the weather report on the pregnancy vibe, because it can turn on a dime.

• Green = good to go
• Yellow = Proceed with caution
• Red = Stop to check in. Might adjust and continue, might stop.
• Black = STOP. Abort mission. Just nope. None. No questions asked.

You might also consider a weekly or monthly RADAR.

RADAR — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com

Thank you partners for their patience. Cut yourself and each other some slack during this pregnancy.

I hope your pregnancy unfolds as gently as possible. Mine were puke-fests, nausea, bed rest, almost lost the baby, drama kind of things. I had some postpartum depression too. I might be excited about sex one moment and lo! Black! Abort mission! Because here's sudden puke! And that is NOT a turn on by any stretch of the imagination. It's a mood killer.

Be gentle with yourself right now.

Remember it's ok to break up. If you just aren't feeling it anymore, that may have happened even without the pregnancy. So don't be in a rush to blame it on that. Sometimes people we initially date do not turn out to be a long-term match. All you can do is be honest. But don't jump the gun or freak out either. Be intentional. Go easy on yourself with all the pregnancy changes going on. Tell your docs what is going on and ask if any meds need changing as the pregnancy moves along.

Galagirl