Did I mess up? Girlfriend hurt... thinks I put more effort and money into wife’s Bday

[Dynamicone]

This is my first post but I’ve been lurking and found lots of helpful advice on this site.

So, I hurt my girlfriends feelings last week.
It was her birthday and she was hurt because she felt I put more effort into my wife’s birthday than hers. I love her so much and this is not what I was trying to do, but how it ended up anyway.

Story:

My wife loves birthdays. For my wife’s birthday in December, I got her a nice necklace from a vintage shop worth about $175. I also got her an antique hat pin worth about $50.
We All went out That night and had a nice dinner and cocktails. It was a great time.

That was before covid.

Now for my girlfriends birthday, She said more than once that she didn’t want any kind of party or celebration and I tried to honor that. It’s not like there are many options for dinner or outings now with covid anyway so it made sense. The gift I got her admittedly wasn’t as pricey, but I Feel like put more thought Into findinG it than my wife’s jewelry. She loves slippers so I found her a nice pair of Vintage silk slippers. I thought they were very cool and so her. They were about $70. I told her happy birthday on the day, but I tried to respect her wishes and didn’t do anything else. Now she fees hurt because she’s comparing and I feel like an ass for hurting her. I could have at least wrote her a nice note or got a card or something and I’m feeling so guilty about it. She’s hurt now because she hurt my feelings from not being super enthusiastic about my gift.

Honestly if covid hadn’t come in and ruined everything I know I would have gotten her another gift. And we probably would have gone to a restaurant or something. As a contractor, I’m not making lots of money now.

Did I really mess up or should she have been more understanding and appreciative? I think it is both but I’m not sure. How can I fix it? She’s mostly over it but I can tell she’s a bit down lately and doesn’t want to talk about our future as much or come over as much and I’m just feeling miserable. This is our second year together.

Thank you for your perspective and help.

 

[GalaGirl]

I told her happy birthday on the day, but I tried to respect her wishes and didn’t do anything else.

I don't think you did anything horrible. You respected her wishes. Does she want mind reader-ing or something?

Now she fees hurt because she’s comparing and I feel like an ass for hurting her.

YOU did not hurt her. She is the one hurting herself with the unrealistic comparing.

I could have at least wrote her a nice note or got a card or something and I’m feeling so guilty about it.

So you have room to grow in gift wrapping/presentation. Not the end of the world, dude. Go look up some YouTube for how to make gift wrap pretty.

She’s hurt now because she hurt my feelings from not being super enthusiastic about my gift.

You guys sound really entangled in each other's feelings.

Each person could be responsible for their OWN emotional management.

Honestly if covid hadn’t come in and ruined everything I know I would have gotten her another gift. And we probably would have gone to a restaurant or something. As a contractor, I’m not making lots of money now.

And that's your pandemic reality. What's she want you to do? Go into debt just to buy her bday stuff?

Did I really mess up or should she have been more understanding and appreciative?

I think you did your pandemic best. Which is not gonna be the same as your non-pandemic job secure best. She could have been more understanding and appreciative that you LISTEN and try to respect her wishes. And if she's upset because she wanted mind readering? She could learn to speak PLAIN then.

I think GF is being unrealistic and a bit ungrateful. Because...

1) COVID 19.

2) She SAID she didn't want a fuss.

3) You got her a nice present that matches her personality -- $70 vintage silk slippers.

4) 2 year gf. Well, what were you getting your wife when she was the 1 or 2 yr GF? Probably similar stuff.

5) And life stage/job stage. Because over here? What my spouse or I could afford at 20 is different than we can afford now at midlife for presents. And even so... in pandemic? If one loses their job? That changes available funds again. Or even just ability. I sent my niece a bday card because I can manage to mail that. I don't want to go to a store or a post office right now in pandemic. I CAN print a gift certificate and pop it in some stationary I already have and stamp it without exposing myself to crowds. I'm a chronic patient. I have to be extra careful.

She’s mostly over it but I can tell she’s a bit down lately and doesn’t want to talk about our future as much or come over as much and I’m just feeling miserable. This is our second year together.

Do nothing. Give her space to cool off.

You didn't do bad stuff TO her.

You might have to learn to detach and let people weather out their stormy skies without YOU getting all deep in their stuff.

Like be present, be appropriately sympathetic or empathetic. But don't take it on board for yourself like it's YOUR job or your responsibility or your baggage to carry.

YKWIM? Maintain better personal boundaries.

Galagirl

 

[Dynamicone]

Thank you galagirl.
I feel like less of a bad guy now, but still a bit guilty.
Problem is I try my best to make things as equal and fair as possible.
My girlfriend is mono and I basically had to win her over and convince her that she wouldn’t be loved less or be my second fiddle. She agreed to date me exclusively with the goal of her moving into our home soon and is being a family.
I’m scared that if I don’t keep things equal and fair between them, she’ll start feeling second and leave me. I understand why she’s be hurt seeing me spend so much on my wife and put in so much “effort”, but I just wish she would see it was a circumstance... pandemic and her saying she didn’t want a celebration that caused this. Not that I don’t care. Now I’m so stressed that she felt second and is pulling away from me. I don’t view her that way. I really love her just as much. I’m not extremely broke so I could afford another small item or to make her dinner or something... I just thought the slippers would be enough.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Don't fall into the trap of always having to give more and more to make up for being poly.

Idadvise that you pause right now and make sure she knows what having a poly partner means. You cannot keep everything equal all the time. Moving in altogether might not be a healthy choice. You need to be flexible with your expectations.

Before you know it, all your time will be spent proving to her that she is loved to the detriment of everyone else in your life. Stop now.

 

[GalaGirl]

My girlfriend is mono and I basically had to win her over and convince her that she wouldn’t be loved less or be my second fiddle. She agreed to date me exclusively with the goal of her moving into our home soon and is being a family.

When you say "mono" -- what kind?

Like she is monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and monogamous (wants to participate in 1:1 relationships only)

Or like she is monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and relationship shape flexible (could do either monogamy with just 2 people, or be like an end point person in a V or N or similar?)

I’m scared that if I don’t keep things equal and fair between them, she’ll start feeling second and leave me.

Why does that scare you? Sometimes relationships don't pan out. Monogamous ones, poly ones, kink ones, etc. Why is there fear here for you? Not everyone one dates is destined to be a long haul runner.

I'm not devaluing what you two have shared... just saying not everyone you date is gonna be a life long thing. It is natural to come to a point in a relationship to assess "Ok, so what is this? What are we doing here?"

I understand why she’s be hurt seeing me spend so much on my wife and put in so much “effort”, but I just wish she would see it was a circumstance... pandemic and her saying she didn’t want a celebration that caused this.

And have you asked her straight up? If she has adjusted her expectations to pandemic conditions? Does she understand you are trying to do what she says? But if she does mixed messages like saying one thing and but really secretly wanting another -- that doesn't help anyone?

How does she even know how much money you spend on other people's bday stuff?

Not that I don’t care. Now I’m so stressed that she felt second and is pulling away from me. I don’t view her that way. I really love her just as much. I’m not extremely broke so I could afford another small item or to make her dinner or something... I just thought the slippers would be enough.

TBH? I think taking the time to REALLY talk things out would do better for the relationship than shelling out for restaurant dinner or another gift. That's just kinda glossing it over or putting a patch bandaid on it to me.

Love alone is not enough to make a relationship go.

People can be initially compatible, but then after the NRE wears off? They may or may not be deeply compatible. You mentioned this being 2 years in -- well... maybe the NRE is wearing off?

You can only offer a dating partner X things. It's either going to be enough for them or not.

If it's just not enough for her, and she's going to take it like "I'm treated second best" rather than "I appreciate the effort, but this isn't enough. It doesn't meet my needs for what I want in a relationship." Like taking it PERSONALLY rather than SITUATIONALLY?

It's not fun to have keep "proving" your love and have to keep jumping through hoops to prop someone else up because they keep comparing what the other partner gets and kicking their own bucket over. That could get to be a drag for YOU. It's not your job to be someone's endless "prop-them-upper" because they choose to be in a relationship model that goes against their own grain and doing that hurts them. Acting out at other people is not the solution. Accepting this is not the right fit and bowing out is better.

If she had to be "convinced" to be here -- now that its been 2 years maybe it's time to assess. NRE has presumably worn off. Is this not really what she wants to be doing? Is this not joyful for her? I would ask her to reflect and decide if she really wants to be here or not. Because if she's going against her own grain to be involved with you when she actually prefers to be in a monoamorous and monogamous thing? It doesn't seem kind to keep this going.

She gets upset. You get upset. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And if she gets this upset with "wife gets X and I get Y" bday comparisons... is it really a good idea to live together where the comparing could be going on 24/7? You might not be compatible for cohabitation or kitchen table poly.

I could be wrong. But to me you sound like you have problems bigger than bday presents. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

It's been my experience that one should never believe it when a woman says she doesn't want anything special done for their birthday... lol

But I agree with GalaGirl. This is a hurt of her own making. I'm not sure how it became a thing in our society to make everything a test. Maybe it's easier to react than to be proactive by communicating ones needs clearly.

It's easy to blame the girlfriend for this little dust up. The best thing is to hear her. She's looking for reassurance.

 

[Dynamicone]

Thank you everyone.

She is monogamous to me. I asked her to do this. So is wife, so I fee lots of pressure sometimes.
My girlfriend is amazing though and she’s worth it. I’m not going to give up on her or just toss her aside because it’s difficult at times.

Problem is..I spent a lot of time “wooing her” and I Made some big promises. Like the only thing she would be sacrificing would be a dumb piece of paper. So she is monogamous to me and we are hoping she will grow to love the idea of us being a family. I do feeL pressure to Meet all her needs, but that is my own doing. I don’t want some complex poly life, I just want my small family and is to be Faithful to each other. I think we are so close to that happening and I can’t give up.
I do go back and forth between thinking, I could of at least bought her some roses and a little cake or something, to wishing she could have just been happy with my gift and birthday wishes. Express gratitude? But when I look at it from her point of view I understand why she would think I care more about my wife.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think there's TMI going on here, as well as expectations for things that may be too hard to do.

First of all, I love vintage, and I think it's great you got your girls vintage presents. Points for that.

But no one needs to know how much you spent. Your wife shouldn't know what you spent on her, much less your gf know what you spent on your wife! And vice versa. The gf shouldn't know that the slippers were $15 or $70. As long as they were bought with her taste in mind, why should amount spent come into it? (Personally, I love a good bargain at the thrift store and would much rather spend $15 than $70 haha.)

These women aren't your children, where you try to spend say, $150 on each kid for Christmas. They're grown ass women. So, stop telling either one of them how much you spent on them or on the other. You can't buy love. You don't show love on a birthday by spending X amount of dollars.

Secondly, I'm a woman, but if I tell someone I don't want a fuss on a birthday (not that I EVER would!), I'd expect no fuss. Some people truly do hate to have a birthday party thrown for them! So, tell her you took her at her word. Polyamory can't survive with dishonesty and those kinds of head games. Pffft.

Speaking of NRE, the saying goes, for any relationship, you spend the first year forming, the second year storming, and the third year norming. So, maybe the "storming" part came a bit late because of polyamory or distance.

I'd recommend against moving this woman into your shared home with your wife. That's a much bigger deal than a little old birthday gift and (lack of) party. While it seems MFM Vs can work out fairly easily, women seem to be more territorial. More competitive about decorating and housework, cooking, and all that. Unless your SO's have just simply hit it off great, and really enjoy each other, cohabiting might be a bad idea. Maybe gf lives rather far away now. She could move much nearer but maintain her own place.

Add in to that, when women cohabit, they tend to cycle together. Imagine 2 SO's having PMS together. Ugh. lol

Personally, I've been living poly for quite some time, and neither my nesting/anchor partner or I ever wanted to have one of our OSOs move in. We don't want a triad, and we want to be able to walk around the house naked, and show affection for each other spontaneously. It just wouldn't work to have someone else living here that was only sexually involved with one of us.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Dynamicone,

I think my advice would be to apologize to your girlfriend, like say to her that you're sorry you hurt her feelings, then ask her what you can do to make things up to her. Kind of put the ball back in her court. Then, in the future, you'll know a few things to do differently:

• Don't bother asking your girlfriend whether she wants a party/celebration for her birthday. Just do one.
• Spend (close to) the same amount on birthday gifts for your wife and your girlfriend.
• Don't tell either of them how much you spent on their gifts.
• Get your wife and girlfriend nice notes or cards or something like that for their birthdays.

At least that's what I reckon I'd do if I was in your shoes. You can adjust my advice to your situation as seems best to you. I'm sorry your feelings and your girlfriend's feelings got hurt. I don't think you messed up per se, you just had a misunderstanding about what your girlfriend wanted/expected.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.