Some context, I am in an Egalitarian Kitchen Triad Relationship.
I know you said you're having trouble communicating, and will figure this out on your own, but I'll add some more information for the thousands of people who will read this post on the forum.
You are not in an "egalitarian kitchen triad'" relationship yet. You're just talking to two people on the internet. You've never all hung out in a kitchen or living room, or even gone on actual dates.
For everyone's information, kitchen table polyamory means that a poly couple lives together, or spends a lot of time together, and one or both of those partners each have another partner of their own, who comes over to see the partner and gets along well enough with their metamour (the partner of their partner) to hang out comfortably, in a non-sexual context.
For example:
Raya is dating Brendan.
Brendan doesn't live with Raya, but he spends a lot of time at her place.
Raya meets someone else, Tanner, and starts dating them.
Brendan and Tanner meet a few times at Raya's place, and find that they get along as friends.
Sometimes Raya has both Brendan and Tanner over to her place at the same time for dinner, or TV, or game night.
Brendan and Tanner enjoy each other's company and might occasionally hang out together without Raya, go out for a beer or something.
This
might turn into a triad if Brendan and Tanner find they are sexually attracted to each other, naturally, not forcing it in any way. But this is rare.
It started when me and my partner wanted to learn a bit about Poly, and decided we wanted to try it. I had reached out to a Poly friend to ask for advice,
There is much more to do when considering ethical non-monogamy that to just ask one "poly" friend about their experiences. We offer many resources in our Golden Nuggets section-- web articles, books, podcasts, and former archived threads on dozens of topics and issues people before you have dealt with.
and after they had given it, asked to audition. I was caught off guard, as was my partner...
You mean this poly friend of yours asked you to consider them as a lover/partner-- to you? To you
and your current partner, before even chatting with your partner at all? That seems like a red flag.
We decided to try it; the worst that could happen is it doesn't work out.
The worst-case scenarios include everything going so badly that it causes you to lose your friend and maybe even your partner. Most formerly mono couples who open their relationship successfully do at least one year of research-- reading resources, going to workshops, maybe even going to a poly-friendly couples therapist. There's a huge shift involved in a couple's dynamic when they go from monoamory to polyamory.
Now I'm faced with a problem. My feelings towards my friend have grown significantly, but me and my partner agreed that I should wait to act on them till my partner knows my friend better. This is perfectly okay with me. I do not mind. But the issue is that there isn't really a lot of time for them to get to know each other, and so I offered to set up a date night for them (which now that I say it aloud, sounds very odd to someone new to Poly). Regardless, this date would be without me, as both my partner and friend have expressed their attraction for me, and my partner is devoted to me.
I see you don't want a V, you want a triad, where all three people get along equally well, as far as interests, philosophies, lifestyles, and sexual attraction/desire. This is extremely rare. Comfortable Vs are extremely common, while triads may work for a few weeks or months, but usually end because the shared partner prefers one of the couple over the other, as it seems to be in your case.
There is this thing called new relationship energy which can trick you into thinking you get along great and are in love, but this feeling fades after a few months to a year, and then your actual love begins, or the attraction fades and you break up.
It's fine if your friend and partner want to chat online. It doesn't have to be a "date"! It can just be a low-key friendly talk. And it could be a group chat, or video call, including your participation. Why not?
It is very important to me that I don't become a "Glue", and that both of them love each other as well as me.
The common term is "hinge," not glue. And like others said, you can't force your partner and friend to love each other. You can't even assume they will like each other, platonically.
Which leads me to the huge caviat: we are an entirely digital relationship. My friend lives in the Midwest of the US, and me and my partner live in the east coast. I'll be meeting my partner,
Have you never even met your "partner" in real life yet? How far apart do you live?
and moving in, in a few months,
And despite never having met irl, you're planning to move in together quite soon after your first meeting? How long have you been talking online? What makes you think you'd be good roommates/live-in partners right out of the gate?
but at what point we can meet my friend, and when they might move in or closer to us is up for question.
Yeah... that sounds like a huge risk for your friend, to move thousands of miles to be with you and your partner, when none of you have ever even met, or hung out for any amount of time on visits. Sometimes you can like someone online, but when you meet, you find there is no chemistry, or if there is, it fades rapidly. Living together entails a lot more than romantic or sexual feelings.
If anyone has any ideas, that would be just wonderful, and thank you, this means a lot to me. :3
I hear you want to make loving connections, and that is normal and great!
But making big moves like you are planning sounds like everyone is going too fast and taking on big risks.
