Dilemma

M

Mikel

New member
What to do?? Married man here. Like many my wife and I started by opening up our marriage to the swinger scene. It was fun, but didn't take me long to realize this was not for me. The wife on the other hand had no problem with it. We didn't jump around we stayed with 1-2 couples, but ultimately in the swinger scene it's about the sex. There was no relationship per say other then the sex. I am sure many have gone through the same thing. So after some discussion we decided we wanted more so I thought. The relationship part so to speak. Well that did not work out so well. She was OK when it was just sex, but when we start to form a relationship beyond that she is overcome by jealousy.
I am without a doubt Poly, and want that in my life, she says she can't handle it, "lets just have sex". Crazy right??
Has anyone else had this happen, how does one deal with this. Ultimately we are married for life we are each other perfect match other then this one thing. Does one just give up on the idea. Any advice? Can one overcome the jealousy? or is it a lost cause. :)
 
Hi Mikel,

Maybe poly just isn't your wife's cup of tea. It's not for everyone. When you say she is "overcome by jealousy" it doesn't sound hopeful that she can change in that area. But, in case it helps, here's a few more links you can try:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Does your wife even want to get over these jealousy attacks? Maybe she doesn't even want to try to be poly. Only way to find out is to ask her.

I've definitely heard from more than a few people who started out as swingers but then transitioned into poly. So you're not alone in finding out that swing isn't your own cup of tea.

Can you and your wife do some stuff separately? Can she go to a swing event while you go on a poly date? Something else to consider (and ask her about).

Good luck, sounds like quite a dilemma!
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Ya but

I am just confused, it's ok if we swing and have sex with others but not have a more meaningful relationship.

I guess she is threatened by that but not if it's just sex
 
Well, that's a thing; it does happen. Sometimes people feel more threatened by emotional intimacy than they do by physical intimacy. Other times people feel more threatened by physical intimacy. It just depends on the person. Everyone's different. That's why we have swingers as well as polyamorists.

Can you accept your wife as she is? Even if you don't understand her, can you accept her?

Do you and she have many discussions about these things? If so, how do those discussions usually go?

There is no absolute right or wrong here. Polyamory is right for some people, swing is right for others. Your wife likes swing. That's okay. You like poly. That's okay too.
 
Mikel, exactly... She is threatened by the idea of you having an *emotional* relationship with any other woman. Sex is just bodies doing stuff that feels good; it doesn't always mean anything other than "hey, this feels good."

Emotions, on the other hand, can get away from someone pretty quickly in some cases. I belong to an "adult dating" site (which is where I met both Hubby and Guy). I've been a member there for seven years now, and in that time, I have seen 8 swinger couples' marriages completely implode because one of them crossed that line between sex for fun and having feelings for another partner. And that's 8 couples just in my geographic area, and those are only the couples I'm personally aware of.

Having "swinger sex" doesn't have to mean NO emotional connection. You say you stayed with one or two other couples. Was there no friendship between you? Friendship is an emotional connection, just not as intense a one as love.

When Hubby and I decided to open our marriage, because of what I'd witnessed with those other couples (and I know some folks here will jump on me because of this), we made an agreement that if either of us started having stronger feelings than friendship for another sexual partner, we would immediately cut ties and cut off communication with that person. Initially, Hubby said we couldn't even become friends with another partner, it had to stay purely physical, but I pointed out that if we didn't at least like hanging out with someone there wouldn't be much point in sex with them.

When I started recognizing that my feelings for Guy were deeper than friendship, I did cut ties with him for a little while. Hubby was the one who told me to restore the friendship, at least. And Hubby was the one who ultimately said "You love Guy, and I'm okay with that."

If your wife isn't okay with you *loving* someone else, it may be because she's afraid you would leave her for them. Most people are less likely to leave a marriage for pure sex than they are for an emotional connection.
 
Mikel,

I am without a doubt Poly, and want that in my life, she says she can't handle it, "lets just have sex". Crazy right??
Click to expand...

No, not crazy.

Polyamory is not for everyone, just as monogamy and swinging isn't for everyone. Being polyamorous does not mean being more enlightened than anyone else. It's simply a different way of living life - no better or worse than any other.

I would urge you to listen to your wife and avoid pressuring her. Perhaps also work on compassion and understanding - just because you don't get why she feels that way, doesn't mean your way makes more sense than hers.

In fact, it seems quite understandable to me that someone might be ok with sex, but not ok with love.

If you really are intended to be partners for life, that does mean exactly that: working as a team. It is not about imposing what you want, nor about imposing what she wants.

You could attempt a trial period in which you and your wife agree to research poly. 6 months, say. A year, if necessary. You could agree that you stick with swinging (or be monogamous) for that time, and that you will honestly review at the end. If, after that time, you still have polarised viewpoints, a decision will be made about whether you are compatible for the future or whether one of you is willing to sacrifice the relationship model you want.

Finally, this will only work if your wife wants to try. If she doesn't, there's really nothing wrong with that. Jealousy can be largely overcome, or can at least ease. It is possible. However, it takes a lot of work, patience, and understanding.

If your wife likes the sound of a research period, you guys could start by looking for resources. MoreThanTwo.com is very helpful. Google Poly Weekly - a blog with hundreds of podcasts on poly issues. Opening Up is a very good book, so I've been told.
 
I'm a huge believer in research. Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, and Sex at Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha have been godsends since my husband fell in love. I found The Ethical Slut a little too in-your-face for my taste, but the expert I went and talked to recommended it, too.
 
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