Disentanglement vs showing interest

D

DavidR

New member
My wife has recently asked to open up the relationship and started seeing someone ( if you want the whole story, it's in the '23 years monogamy' thread elsewhere on the forum ). I'm getting better at dealing with the anxiety, and enjoying the newfound bond we have.

Looking for some measure of emotional stability, I have come to realise that disentanglement is really the way to go for me, at least in the short term. I have asked her partner not to contact me, which he respects, started looking at my wife as an independent person again, and am taking steps to improve my independance and selfrespect as an indvidual ( started working again, doing my hobbies, spending time on my own, getting into counseling ).
I'm considering not asking about how things are going between them, and asking my wife to only tell me something if there are major things she wants to talk about and/or needs empathy for. That way, it would help me make abstraction of it to some degree and not depends as much emotionally on whatever is going on between them. On the flipside, I do want to know what's going on in her life, and I do ( most of the time ) enjoy talking with her about it. I worry sometimes that if disentangle too much, I may end up coming across as cold / disinterested in her, or not caring.

Any of you have experience / thoughts on this ?
 
These are more "thoughts" than "experiences", so take with an appropriate grain of salt, but:

I think disentangling is not about caring less about the other person's life, it's about participating less in the other person's life.

When you've been highly entangled (like, in a typical monogamous marriage) I'm sure it's common to act as your spouse's primary source of emotional support.

But that isn't actually necessary — it's always helpful (dare I say, healthy) for people to have multiple sources of emotional support; friends, family, therapists/counsellors, etc.

If you and/or your spouse don't have these other sources — or if you can't turn to your current sources because, say, they wouldn't approve of your open relationship — part of disentangling involves both of you finding new sources of emotional support that are not each other.

You can make it clear that, while you're interested in her life, she needs to wait to share details about her partners until/if you ask for them. And while you care very much about her, your own emotional wellbeing requires you to hold strong boundaries around what she tells you about her other partners.

You can hold boundaries in a caring way, for example, "It sounds like you've been having a hard time with your other partner. I'm so sorry, that sucks. If you'd like, I can help you figure out who you can confide in about it. But I have to ask you not to share the details with me."
 
Hi DavidR,

I think the thing to do, is to tell her that it can be hard for you to hear about what's going on between her and her new boyfriend, and that as a result, you have decided to disentangle from that, and just want her to tell you the really major stuff about the boyfriend. This way she knows you aren't being cold, you just need some disentanglement from her situation with her boyfriend. As is so often the case in poly, the secret is to communicate what you are feeling, and why you are doing what you are doing. This way she doesn't have to guess. She knows how you feel.

I'll just add that disentanglement is usually what is recommended in poly. Not that you have no ties with your spouse, just that you and your spouse have individual lives separate from each other. The idea being that you are not a "coupleblob." You are autonomous beings, and do not own each other; rather, you own you, and she owns her. You seem to be already on the road to doing that, so kudos, and keep up the good work.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm considering not asking about how things are going between them, and asking my wife to only tell me something if there are major things she wants to talk about and/or needs empathy for. That way, it would help me make abstraction of it to some degree and not depends as much emotionally on whatever is going on between them.
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It's ok to have some personal boundaries like that.

EX:

I didn't get what my friend saw in the shallow, vain, annoying Cookie. Mostly Cookie lived to put down my friend. I decided I didn't have to be friends with Cookie. And I didn't have to be involved in their dynamic. Or hang out with them together. I told my friend ONCE to stop trying to get me to be pals with Cookie cuz I didn't like her. I could hang with my friend, I could listen to minimal about Cookie, but I didn't want to hang with Cookie or deep details about them.

It was fine to tell me about Cookie so long as it wasn't "The Cookie Show."

Like if I ask how the weekend was?

Friend going "Cookie and I went to the open mic. Cookie says she liked the band. Cookie had chicken wings. She said they were meh. Cookie wants to go again next month." Cookie this and that centers COOKIE. It's "The Cookie Show." BORING. If I wanted to know all that I'd be friends with Cookie. But I'm NOT and do not care.

Friend going "Cookie and I went to the open mic. Cookie liked the band but not the chicken wings. I liked the nachos I got and I think you would like the wings because I know you like spicy. I had a nice time. If you ever want to try that monthly open mic, you and I could go. Or maybe you want to do something else? " That centers my friend and me. Cookie is not center stage.

Can you tell the difference?


On the flipside, I do want to know what's going on in her life, and I do ( most of the time ) enjoy talking with her about it.
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So ask about her life. So long as she's centering HER and doesn't make the all about the meta. Like "The Meta show."

If some major thing happened you need to know about her other relationship, fine.

But most of the time (you + her) time is about (you + her) right?

Not like (you sitting around listening to her go on and on about (him +her) stuff). Gushing AT you about her partner is not talking WITH you.

I worry sometimes that if disentangle too much, I may end up coming across as cold / disinterested in her, or not caring.
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If she has that concern? She's not able to speak up and ask what's going on with you?

Some long term couples share "everything" from habit. But here's the thing. You aren't the only couple any more. Every dyad needs it's own time/space/privacy. Not wanting to be inundated with (him + her) stuff is normal. Wanting to have your own (you + her) time is normal. And it is ok to say "Hon, you are oversharing (you+him) stuff. I prefer you talk to him about that and not me."

That doesn't mean you don't care about her or her well being. It means you care about YOURS.

Disentangling doesn't mean you don't care about her at all or are cold.

Disentangling means having a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries. Not being joined at the hip, codependent, or all up in each other's biz.

It's maintaining independence
  • You deal with (you) as your individual self.
  • She deals with (her) as her individual self.
It's maintaining both your relationship and healthy interdependence to whatever degree you both want it to be:
  • (you+her) as a couple
It's staying out of the dyad you are NOT in and expecting them to deal with it.

  • (Her + Him) as a couple

It's maintaining a healthy enough meta relationship with him.

  • (you + him)

Basic polite when you happen to bump into each other as they come and go is good enough. You don't have to be tighter than that with your meta. You don't have to hang out together. You aren't the one dating him. You probably have your own friends, family and perhaps other partners to keep up with.

Maintain your calendar and safer sex practices.

If you and meta happen to "click" as friends? Then you let that independent friendship grow as it will. But you don't have to force it just cuz she dates him.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks Albert, Kdt and Galagirl for your incredibly thoughtful reactions. I feel grateful for the existence of this forum, as it has offered me wisdom and insights during some rough spots.
 
No problem, I'm glad we have been able to help you.
 
DavidR said:
I'm considering not asking about how things are going between them, and asking my wife to only tell me something if there are major things she wants to talk about and/or needs empathy for. That way, it would help me make abstraction of it to some degree and not depends as much emotionally on whatever is going on between them. On the flipside, I do want to know what's going on in her life, and I do ( most of the time ) enjoy talking with her about it. I worry sometimes that if disentangle too much, I may end up coming across as cold / disinterested in her, or not caring.
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And when you discussed this plan/request with your wife, did she have any thoughts or objections? I think you’re doing exactly the right thing for yourself. I wouldn’t worry about coming across as cold or disinterested or anything else. You do you to make this work. Actions have consequences and everyone has to adjust to the new dynamic. You’re entitled to whatever response you have. If it comes off a little cold and disinterested… oh well, tough break. It’s not your job to make her outside relationship better for her. Everything comes with a cost.

IF you‘re worried about a hypothetical signal you might be sending, don’t. With the new game comes new rules, and everyone is responsible for their own emotional responses. Many people will suggest upon opening a marriage that the old marriage's practices and customs are dead and a new marriage/relationship is forming with the salvaged materials. Grieve the loss and build what you need to be happy. If that’s being completely disinterested/uninterested in your wife’s other relationship, other than scheduling and the like, that’s OK.
 
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