Disentanglment; step 1

J

jayblue122

Member
I thought that was very interesting and an angle I have not seen before. It could be a very helpful step for many couples, and well worth thinking about for single people.
 
That was one I wish I had written - that disentangling was something that was somewhat challenging for Knight and I, given how early we met and the fact we had not only been together for ages when we went poly but shared a career and a hobby for a lot of years...
 
I don't know that disentanglement would solve everything, but in many cases it would probably help.
 
This was very helpful in my case. My wife and I disentangled way too quickly which resulted in all sorts of problems. Taking baby steps seems to make far more sense.
 
Great article about relationship health in general. In the recovery world, we call this concept loving detachment. It's something that every recovering addict and co-dependent thinker needs to learn, but it's something that just about everyone could use a brush-up on. On this forum, we see sooooo many couples proudly proclaim that they share everything and are open & honest about everything and have so much love to give and want to give it together because they share everything. Then they flounce when we gently or not-so-gently suggest that sharing everything ( including a shiny new romantic relationship) is not only impossible, it's really, really creepy and and unhealthy. Living one's own independent life is a mind set and a skill that more experienced poly people develop over time, one that many people in monogamous relationships don't think about much until some emotional bomb (poly bomb, affair, etc.) seemingly drops out of nowhere and does the dirty work for them - it serves to declare that this couple is indeed two separate people.

A couple doesn't have to latch onto poly to learn the very important element of disentanglement in order to have a healthy relationship.
 
In the recovery world, we call this concept loving detachment. It's something that every recovering addict and co-dependent thinker needs to learn, but it's something that just about everyone could use a brush-up on.
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I agree with FallenAngelina. It was nice to read the article in a poly context, but I think it is basic skills everyone could understand and work to have under their belts.

A couple that is "joined at the hip?" That isn't healthy or "true love." Books and movies might encourage that, but those are works of fiction, not reality. The people in the couple need to be able to go out and do stuff on their own, or with other friends. Not always be with the partner.

They need to know that when you become part of a couple, you are still you, the individual. You do not subsume yourself to the relationship and become "all couple."

  • There is the 1st person. "Me." I do things on my own. There are things I am responsible for -- just me. There is "me time." (This person is an individual)
  • There is the 2nd person. "You." You do things on your own. There are things you are responsible for -- just you. There is "you time." (This person is an individual)
  • There is a "we" part where the couple does some things together, is responsible for some stuff together. "Our time" or "our shared responsibilities." (These people are a couple or dyad)

They are all those things at the same time.

It's like the letter "H" -- the couple is holding hands, but also stands on their own two feet. Healthy interdependence. If they have to stop holding hands or break up? There they are. Still standing on their own two feet. Emotionally resilient. They can do healthy independence or healthy interdependence. They want to be together because they want to. Not because they NEED to.

Not all enmeshed like the letter "A" couple where they are holding hands and propping each other up in various ways instead of learning how to stand on their own two feet or learning how to do healthy interdependence. More like... I'm doing your jobs for you and you are doing mine for me. Instead of each one developing their own skills and doing their own jobs and co-owning the shared jobs. Messy personal boundaries.

If for some reason we have to stop holding hands or break up? Everyone and everything has all been one big soup. I don't know where I end and you begin. It was codependence / enmeshment mess. So it ALL comes crashing down when it falls apart.

Like "regular" break ups are bad enough, but if you are a letter "H" type, you know how to stand on your own two feet you can weather it out. Single load bummer.

But for letter "A" people, break ups are more than a break up. There's the break up load to process. (Bummer 1). Plus realizing that actually, they don't even know HOW to process it because all their jobs used to be done by the other person -- the one that left. NOW what do they do? (Bummer 2).

So I'm not sure they were ready to be in a healthy couple, much less in a healthy poly network. "Doing poly" shines a light on all the weak spots that were already there.

If people can sort some of that stuff out before they try poly it might help make the transition time a bit easier to take.

Galagirl
 
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All my previous relationships were codependent. I like to blame the codependent modeling I got from my mom and every romantic film, book or song I ever came across growing up. They culminated in a codependent relationship with an addict. It was very "romantic". It ended in tragedy.
I had started learning about boundaries during that relationship and came into my marraige healed from that codependency. Happy to report that enmeshment is not an issue I am dealing with, but the worry that I'm too detached often crosses my mind, like where's the balance?
So, overall I like the article. I don't like step 4, how do you place boundaries on how fast or slow a relationship is allowed to develope? Seams to me that if dates are agreed upon then what happens on them should be up to the discretion of the one on the date. Isn't that where trust comes into play? Isn't that what all the communication is leading up to? Step 4 felt arbitrary to me.
 
I really enjoyed this article -- thanks for posting!
 
I liked this article and think it's excellent advice in general - not just as a stepping stone to poly.

I've always been really independent and found that when I was single for years that I was really happy that way. When I eventually allowed a boyfriend back into my life, I was keen that everybody understand I was still a whole person. People who refer to him as my other half are reminded that I don't have another half - I'm a person all on my own. People who invite me to something and then are surprised when he isn't with me are reminded that they would need to invite him too if they want him to consider going along to whatever it is. People who invite him and expect me to turn up are often surprised that I'm not there - and he's happy to explain to them.

We don't live together and don't have plans to.

We have our own friends. Some are friends that are friends to both of us - but not all.

We don't share many hobbies - each of us has real passions that the other isn't interested in.

This just seems to me to be a good way to go about life. It's good - feels like the freedom I had when I was single with somebody wonderful who I love very much also around to spend time with me much of the time.

This is not a stepping stone to poly, however. I don't want more than one of that kind of relationship. I find it needs more work to maintain in a healthy way than platonic friendships do - and I'm not willing to do any more of that kind of work. Nor am I willing to do the juggling and emotional work that I'm sure would ensue if my boyfriend had other partners. I see that some folk really love to be poly and find it freeing. I doesn't feel that way to me so I'm not willing to participate in it.

Nevertheless, it seems to me that trying to remain separate from romantic partners is a good thing to do. :D
 
It's interesting, because now I think about it, although neither of us are particularly active in dating others at this point in time, this has probably been the greatest benefit of opening up our relationship, as we were pretty codependent before in retrospect.

I guess it kind of happened the other way around in our case - the separate dating led to developing more independent lives and a greater respect for each other's time. Either way, I'd say our relationship is more healthy now than it was before.
 
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