Disliking Threesomes

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dansemacabre

New member
Hi all. I'm in a closed FFM triad, and have been for over a month now. For reference, I'm the newest member of this triad. One thing I've noticed is I'm really starting to dislike threesomes. It was fun at first but now it just sucks the life out of me. Last night we had a threesome and I felt so weird afterward. I've tried to pinpoint why and I think I've identified a few reasons.

1. It's too much work. I like to be present in the moment with my partner. It's incredibly hard to do that if I ALSO need to be working on my other partner at the same time.
2. I'm never the center of a threesome. My boyfriend has been the center of attention, my girlfriend has been the center MULTIPLE times, and I never have. It gets old.
3. I'm almost always needing to do multiple things at the same time while my girlfriend doesn't need to. Last night, my boyfriend was having sex with her for a WHILE, while I kissed her. She didn't have to do anything while it was happening. But when it came to be my turn, I had to be eating my girlfriend out while my boyfriend had sex with me.

My boyfriend and girlfriend like threesomes but I'd vastly prefer one-on-one time because I don't have much fun with threesomes anymore.

Is it weird to dislike threesomes in a triad? Is something wrong with me?
 
Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place with a question like that. There is already a great deal of information about this threaded throughout the forum, but the long story short is that there is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to always only have threesome sex, and group sex is NOT a requirement for polyamorous relationships. There are other members of this forum who should be along at some point and express their opinions on this in a much more detailed way.

Have you mentioned this to your partners, and if so, what was their response?
 
Never do any kind of sex you don't want to do.

Never do any kind of sex just to please someone else, if it makes you uncomfortable.

Speak up about your wants and needs.

Triads are not the only way to do polyamory. In fact, they are difficult. It's much easier to date one on one. Maybe you're feeling kind of left out, an accessory to your gf and bf's relationship, something they are using to spice things up.

Group sex is not common in polyamory.
 
Welcome!

There is nothing wrong with you, you don't like it and don't want to do it. Simple. Bow out of that kind of dynamic.

You said you are the newest member. Were they a couple before you entered this closed triad? Hence unicorn hunting.
Would you like to date BF and GF separately in a parallel V, or do they come as a package deal? Bring it up to them if you still want to continue seeing them. If not, they are not for you.
 
Magdlyn said:
Never do any kind of sex you don't want to do.

Never do any kind of sex just to please someone else, if it makes you uncomfortable.
Click to expand...
I want to repeat this. You asked "is there something wrong with me?"

Dear lord, no! When you said "when it came to be my turn, I had to be eating my girlfriend out while my boyfriend had sex with me", my fucking skin tried to crawl right off my body. There is nothing wrong with you. Most people would not want to feel that sort of pressure and obligation.

"In order to have the sex you want, you must also have this other sex you do not want" is coercive. It's gross.

The way you feel about the situation you described is extremely normal.

It doesn't sound like this relationship is meeting your needs. Out of curiosity, why is it a closed triad? Was that your decision? Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship? If so... do you want to be in this one? A situation where you feel like an accessory to this other couple's relationship is a pretty raw deal!
 
Albert Ross said:
I want to repeat this. You asked "is there something wrong with me?"

Dear lord, no! When you said "when it came to be my turn, I had to be eating my girlfriend out while my boyfriend had sex with me", my fucking skin tried to crawl right off my body.
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I noticed that too when I re-read the original post.

Albert Ross said:
"In order to have the sex you want, you must also have this other sex you do not want" is coercive. It's gross.

The way you feel about the situation you described is extremely normal.

It doesn't sound like this relationship is meeting your needs. Out of curiosity, why is it a closed triad?
Click to expand...
After only a month?

Albert Ross said:
Was that your decision? Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship? If so... do you want to be in this one? A situation where you feel like an accessory to this other couple's relationship is a pretty raw deal!
Click to expand...
 
LaminarFlow said:
Welcome!

There is nothing wrong with you, you don't like it and don't want to do it. Simple. Bow out of that kind of dynamic.

You said you are the newest member. Were they a couple before you entered this closed triad? Hence unicorn hunting.
Would you like to date BF and GF separately in a parallel V, or do they come as a package deal? Bring it up to them if you still want to continue seeing them. If not, they are not for you.
Click to expand...
Yes, they were a couple before this. I like dating both of them, separately and together. I'm just struggling a lot with the things I posted about.
 
dansemacabre said:
Yes, they were a couple before this. I like dating both of them, separately and together. I'm just struggling a lot with the things I posted about.
Click to expand...

That's okay, and totally normal.

Seems there is a lot of imbalance of intimacy and attention from your partners and only trying get their OWN wants and needs met and treating you like second fiddle in an established setting. Please bring it up you feel neglected and this is not how you want things to go.

How are they making you feel special? Are they listening to the things that you want to do for dates? Have they even asked or are they expecting you just to join their set-up like a toy?
 
I sympathize. It is a lot of work. I'm kinda over it, but the women want it that way. I travel often, so they have opportunities to be a couple, but when I'm home, it's always three. I don't want to hijack your thread, I just wanted to say that the way you feel is normal.
 
Hello dansemacabre,

There's nothing wrong with you, it is normal to dislike threesomes in a triad. Mutual consent is of utmost importance in deciding to have a threesome, you should not have to do it if you don't like it. You could have a discussion with your two partners about why threesomes are rubbing you the wrong way. Or you could just tell them you don't want to do threesomes anymore. It's totally up to you, don't let them pressure you into anything.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
SquishyHusk said:
I sympathize. It is a lot of work. I'm kinda over it, but the women want it that way. I travel often, so they have opportunities to be a couple, but when I'm home, it's always three. I don't want to hijack your thread, I just wanted to say that the way you feel is normal.
Click to expand...
You never get to have one-on-one sex or dates with either of your partners? I didn't realize...
 
Magdlyn said:
Never do any kind of sex you don't want to do.

Never do any kind of sex just to please someone else, if it makes you uncomfortable.

Speak up about your wants and needs.

Triads are not the only way to do polyamory. In fact, they are difficult. It's much easier to date one on one. Maybe you're feeling kind of left out, an accessory to your gf and bf's relationship, something they are using to spice things up.

Group sex is not common in polyamory.
Click to expand...
This ..
 
Magdlyn said:
You never get to have one-on-one sex or dates with either of your partners? I didn't realize...
Click to expand...
(This isn't directed at Mags, this is supporting her question.)

4 relationship in a triad:

A+B
B+C
C+A
A+B+C

If you are anything else, in my experience, it begins to breed resentment. This includes fucking configurations. If it's always the original couple in the primary receivership... you are an object of sex.

Sorry to be blunt. Your choices are to:
- Set boundaries, have individual relationships and individual fucking, as well as be the centre of attention.
- Suffer through being the third.
- Stop it now before you get in too deep and it hurts more.

I am threesome positive and have been in many triads. My words are my based on my experience as the cis male in those threesomes. They are fun, but need to be balanced in a way that satisfies all four relationships. Without balance, someone is getting fucked (in the not-fun way).
 
Understand how you are feeling. It can be exhausting.

I was in a triad briefly a long time ago. It dissolved and went in the direction of a parallel relationship with both partners. So it is possible, if both of your partners value their autonomy. And every dyad different, as well. If they see you as a +1 to add what is missing for them only, I don't see it working out. Hope this helps. Good luck.
 
What if you were always eaten out when they had sex?

It sounds like the other two are not as experienced as you. Teach them. “The best lovers take care of others.” If they are not open to tri-equally-satisfying sex, then heck yes, weed out one of the distractors and get upgraded from voyeur or masseuse to full lover. Good luck.
 
Would you want to date other people and still date them? Triads don't have to be closed.

Usually, it's the established couple that wants a closed triad. Great for them--they don't have to deal with the emotions of each of them dating other people besides their shared girlfriend.

Being closed is often a bad deal for the "shared" girlfriend.

Especially with a couple who is actually quite bad, sexually, at having healthy and mutually satisfying threesomes.

I don't mean that dating other people would solve your problem here. You should talk to your partners about wanting one-on-one sex with each of them, or at the very least, about improving the dynamics of the threesome sex.

I get where you're coming from. Personally, I don't even like doing 69 because it feels like I can't enjoy receiving oral sex while I have to be exerting energy giving oral sex at the same time...and I can't enjoy giving the oral sex (which I like doing on its own!) because I also have to be concentrating on receiving it. It's not a sex act I get a lot out of. But, I explained that to my long-term partner, who LOVED 69, and we agreed to only do 69 very occasionally and for short durations, which was fine with me.
 
Skadi said:
Understand how you are feeling. It can be exhausting.

I was in a triad briefly a long time ago. It dissolved and went in the direction of a parallel relationship with both partners. So it is possible, if both of your partners value their autonomy. And every dyad different, as well. If they see you as a +1 to add what is missing for them only, I don't see it working out. Hope this helps. Good luck.
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I definitely am a +1 to them. It's become more obvious the longer we date. They straight up said they wanted a girlfriend because our boyfriend works all the time so there's no one with our girlfriend, and they thought another girlfriend was a solution.
 
MeeraReed said:
Would you want to date other people and still date them? Triads don't have to be closed.

Usually, it's the established couple that wants a closed triad. Great for them--they don't have to deal with the emotions of each of them dating other people besides their shared girlfriend.

Being closed is often a bad deal for the "shared" girlfriend.

Especially with a couple who is actually quite bad, sexually, at having healthy and mutually satisfying threesomes.

I don't mean that dating other people would solve your problem here. You should talk to your partners about wanting one-on-one sex with each of them, or at the very least, about improving the dynamics of the threesome sex.

I get where you're coming from. Personally, I don't even like doing 69 because it feels like I can't enjoy receiving oral sex while I have to be exerting energy giving oral sex at the same time...and I can't enjoy giving the oral sex (which I like doing on its own!) because I also have to be concentrating on receiving it. It's not a sex act I get a lot out of. But, I explained that to my long-term partner, who LOVED 69, and we agreed to only do 69 very occasionally and for short durations, which was fine with me.
Click to expand...
I've been wanting to date other people because this relationship really isn't giving me what I need. In fact, I've been feeling generally depressed and anxious for the past few weeks and I 100% attribute it to the relationship. They wanted it closed and I was fine with that, until these things started coming up.

There's way more I could go into that's got nothing to do with sex, but this relationship really has me in a bad position. I get plenty of one-on-one sex with my girlfriend, but not much with my boyfriend. When my boyfriend and I do have sex, I rarely get the luxury of using the bed (even though there's no boundary keeping me from it). I always have to do it on the couch. But has my girlfriend EVER had to use the couch? Not once.

So I'm not sure if dating other people would fix it, or if I should just leave altogether. A piece of me wants to have a conversation about this stuff but there's an even bigger part of me screaming at myself going "WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THEM WHEN THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TREATED?"
 
dansemacabre said:
I've been feeling generally depressed and anxious for the past few weeks and I 100% attribute it to the relationship.

screaming at myself going "WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THEM WHEN THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TREATED?"
Click to expand...

This pretty much sums it up. Perhaps time to leave. Really unhealthy, they're not your people.
 
dansemacabre said:
So I'm not sure if dating other people would fix it, or if I should just leave altogether. A piece of me wants to have a conversation about this stuff but there's an even bigger part of me screaming at myself going "WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THEM WHEN THIS IS HOW YOU'RE TREATED?"
Click to expand...
It has only been a month few weeks. You owe them no explanation except perhaps "This relationship is not working for me and I don't see it going anywhere."
 
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