My partner and I live in relationship anarchy/polyamory. So far, both of us had only further sexual/romantic relationships, which were small in emotional and time intensity, but I'm wondering about the future.
How do you guys handle the following problem? (Which is actually not a polyamory-relationship problem only, but anyway...) Your partner spends more and more time with friends, other partners, hobbies, job, activism, whatever, and therefore less time with you, but you would like to spend more, not less time with them. I don't want to force anyone to spend time with me, more than the person actually wants to spend with me (especially as I think you feel, if the other one does not really want to and therefore is not really present). But on the other hand, I still feel kind of abandoned or put back. At the same time, if it's the other way around (so I'm the one who wants to spend less time together), I know that I get a bit pissed/childishly dissatisfied when "forced" to spend time with my partner.
And what makes it also additionally more complicated, is when another partnership is the reason for this put back. Then I feel replaced on top of it. I get anxious and jealous.
How to handle this, for yourself, but also as a couple?
It sounds like you're saying this problem is not one you are actually facing, but you fear you will face it at some point? Maybe you know some people for whom it is a problem, and you don't want it to happen to you and your partner/partners?
I can tell you, now that you mention it, is has happened to me in recent years. My long-term nesting partner, Pixi, has become much more socially active since we met. She used to suffer from a great deal of social anxiety, and she is introverted, so she was extremely happy to spend most of her free time with me.
However, soon after we met, she got a job that she loves very much, and it has become more and more a part of her life, with more enjoyable fulfilling activities, demands, opportunities, friends, and responsibilities. This wasn't a problem in and of itself, as often I was able to see her enough, or even be involved in some of her activities, and meet and hang out with her colleague/friends, which we both loved.
Then after we'd been together about 7 years, she finally found one more suitable partner. When she's not out of state at her job (which is most time-consuming from June-September), she spends half her week at Malachi's house. He lives nearby, and I also have a local partner who usually spends that time at my house, so it's not a problem in and of itself. Even when there were times when I didn't have another partner (or two), I feel lots of compersion for Pixi and Malachi, so I never feel "replaced." I know she loves me deeply. I know I provide things for her that he can not and does not.
During the pandemic, we both actually enjoyed having a year or so where we didn't go out much and just got to enjoy each other! (I didn't have another partner at the time, so our bubble/social circle consisted of me, Pixi, Malachi and one of my adult kids. It was so simple.)
However, the straw that broke the camel's back was when Pixi's mother's dementia got much worse a couple years ago, and her father is NOT handling it well, to say the least. I barely saw Pixi from May, 2024 until late September of this year (2025). She spent months and months caretaking her mom in another state. She left their home to go work at her job both summers, and now she's back home. But her mom is still demented and her dad is still being a jerk about it, not doing good caretaking, at all. (He's got mental problems of his own, but is legal custodian of Mom, so Pixi's hands are tied.)
So far, since she got back from her job out of state, Pixi has been extremely exhausted from such a demanding time. She has been staying either here with me, or at the next town at her bf's, which is awesome. There are so many things she does for both households that she's been unable to do. Not to mention things she does for herself, and for me, specifically. She's getting rested and has been taking care of some long overdue jobs around our house. We've been cuddling and talk talk talking...
I understand she wants to spend as much time with her mom as possible before she passes. (Besides the dementia, she is afflicted with cancer and can't sit still for radiation treatment, so it's just a matter of time.) But I miss Pixi, and all she does for me/us SO much! It's really doing a number on me. I feel like part of my heart is missing when she's away. I hate long-distance relationships, always have. I never thought I'd have to deal with being apart from Pixi so much. It's pretty depressing. Sooner or later, she's going to go back there to her parents, and I'm afraid she'll get "sucked into" it all again, and I won't see her for another long stretch of time.
What do I do to cope? I rely on my bf and my friends and my son. I practice my hobbies to distract myself. I take my own responsibilities seriously. I try to see the positives in this phase of my life. It has made me stronger, and more self-reliant, I guess. I know it's a temporary thing. But I don't like it, I'll say that for sure. Sure, Pixi's mom needs help, but I need Pixi's help too. There are things she does for me, ways she makes me happy, that my bf, son, friends just can't do.
Okay, thanks for the vent.
