Distant from me, but still close with her other partner

[ilikecatsandstuff]

Hello. This is the second time I've made a thread here. I need some advice on what to do. My partner has been distant from me ever since we first met up, while at the same time being as close as always with her other partner. I'm not sure what I did wrong. I'm willing to give it a shot until tomorrow, but I seriously think I should ask her afterwards about her feelings and what I should expect. The pain is too much for me. I feel so unimportant to her. Could it mean I have to leave?

 

[Magdlyn]

My partner has been distant from me ever since we first met up, while at the same time being as close as always with her other partner. I'm not sure what I did wrong. I'm willing to give it a shot until tomorrow, but I seriously think I should ask her afterwards about her feelings and what I should expect. The pain is too much for me. I feel so unimportant. Could it mean I have to leave?

Just talk to her, be honest, request her to be honest, and see what the problem is. If she won't do it, consider yourself kinda ghosted and move on. If it's a new relationship, but one person is acting "distant," that usually means that person isn't into the other one, after all.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ilikecatsandstuff,

As far as leaving is concerned, you have to figure out which is more painful. Is it more painful to lose your partner and be alone for a spell, or is it more painful to have a partner who pushes you away and distances you? I would suggest the latter, but I am not the one in this relationship, you are the one who has the feelings and knows what would be worse. In any case, it doesn't sound like your partner is being fair to you. I'm sorry about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I read your other thread. So now you have been dating her for about 3 mos.

If she overshares about her other partner when on dates with you, it's okay to ask her to stop talking about the other partner so much. Dates with you could be about you + her, and not like you being the audience, listening to her perform the "Her + Other Partner" show. That's a boring date. It gets old.

Are you comfortable taking up some space in this relationship? Participating and doing your fair share? Speaking up and advocating for yourself That matters.

I seriously think I should ask her about her feelings and what I should expect.

Yup. Three months in, you need to be having those conversations. It goes both ways. In the "getting to know you" process of dating, you tell her what you are seeking and what you expect from your relationships. She tells you what she's seeking and what she expects from her relationships. You figure out if anything aligns, and if you two are compatible or not.

If she doesn't make the cut for what you're seeking in a healthy poly partner, is not compatible, or, after dating her for a few months and getting to know her, you realize it's kinda meh, it's okay to politely break up, just end things.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Ah, I see you posted once, about 18 days ago, and didn't respond to the feedback people gave you. Now you're still unhappy and back again. Just like your lack of response to the kind people here, you are also seemingly not communicating with your dating partner. Maybe it's time to brush up on your communication skills in general, advocate for yourself, state what you want, ask what a dating partner wants, and get some clarity. Why just sit and suffer?

Is anything we've been saying making sense?

 

[MeeraReed]

An important thing about poly dating is that sometimes people get distracted by the poly part of it and miss the fact that the relationship is just not working. Maybe you and she just don't click.

If you were dating a monogamous woman for a few months and felt she'd been distant from you the whole time, ever since you'd first met, what would you do? You would probably break up with her, or maybe have a talk where you state your feelings, ask why things seem so distant between you two, and then maybe decide to break up, based on her answers.

The fact that she is poly and has another partner is not the problem or the reason for her being distant. I'm sure it feels like that's the issue-- that things are going well with her and her other partner, while things aren't taking off with you. You are comparing yourself to the other partner, wondering what you're doing wrong, why your relationship with her can't be like her other relationship.

But that's the wrong way to think about it. When people date, sometimes they just don't click the same way. Sometimes their feelings don't match. Sometimes their communication styles and interests don't mesh. Sometimes they just don't vibe with each other.

Poly can be hard, because when that happens, you may also see how things are going better in your partner's other relationships. Of course that's very painful! But take poly out of it, and you have a woman you've been dating for a couple months who's been distant the whole time. Sounds like the relationship isn't taking off, for whatever reason. It's not BECAUSE of her other partner. It just is.

I'm sorry.