Disturbed

Samizdat

New member
My former fiancé was having sexual relations with her other partner. That third partner details his enjoyment of having sex with men who are “undetectably” HIV positive in a lengthy blog post via Medium. Even if these men had low viral loads and were on prophylactic medications, did I have any right to both of them telling this so could give my full, informed consent? This has really disturbed me and affected my health since learning of this, experiencing feelings of panic and violation.


From her other partner's blog:
"A month into the slut run, I decided I had to go to the doctor. I had seen gay dating profiles with PrEP, the HIV prophylactic that cuts chances of infection to near-zero. Thinking that was a bridge too far and the stuff of Grindr hookups, I ignored it. But as I continued, I noticed that the men who said they were on PrEP were a lot more put together than those who didn’t. They knew what they were doing, responded clearly, and were great in bed. They also seemed to be taking cues based off whether I myself was on PrEP, and being more attractive to sex gods was a definite plus. Then I also slept with an Undetectable man (HIV present but no traces detected), and decided I didn’t like feeling nervous about it, so off I went. I got my vaccinations updated to include monkeypox and Hepatitis A, and a blood test later I was scarfing the daily horse pill that has revolutionized safety in casual gay sex....The next time I slept with another Undetectable man, it was marvelous. It was just a health condition we had already both addressed for ourselves, and it was wonderful to share that experience with him. I would later go on to throw a straight woman out after a sleepover so I could take him to Equality Illinois’ annual Pride brunch..."
 
Hello Samizdat,

Your ex-fiancée should have informed you of the risks her other partner was taking. HIV is a very serious disease. Exposing you to it without your knowledge is totally irresponsible and unfair. I guess this other partner was taking some precautions, as were the men he was sleeping with, but you should have had the opportunity to decide for yourself what precautions were adequate. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
At least she's already your ex, so we won't have to keep telling you to break up with her.
 
They should have disclosed to her (although they are not required to if medicated and undetectable, but they should out of full consent) and she should have notified you that she was having unprotected sex with someone positive, medicated and undetectable. Then you could choose if you want to use a condom or not with her.

although HIV is not transmissible with undetectable viral load and therefore there’s no need to legally disclose, hiding that from a partner is a fast way to erase trust and end the relationship.
 
I'm now aware of the science and statistics that goes with low viral loads and the medications, but here's the thing, I have no way of knowing his level of responsibility with his medication regime and screening other partners or how often those partners are screened. The number of variables that could go wrong...
 
You are more likely to get another STI. Wait 6 weeks after last contact, then get the battery of tests to soothe your soul. I know it can be stressful, but try not to let it get to you.
 
I'm now aware of the science and statistics that goes with low viral loads and the medications, but here's the thing, I have no way of knowing his level of responsibility with his medication regime and screening other partners or how often those partners are screened. The number of variables that could go wrong...
This is why I won’t have unprotected sex with anyone who has unprotected sex with others….my boundary
 
The likelihood or level of risk isn't the point, no? I should have been informed of all relevant information to give full consent. Instead it was made for me..
 
You can keep stewing on it, or you can let it go and move forward. But I understand right now you are looking for validation from internet strangers as part of your healing process.
 
The likelihood or level of risk isn't the point, no? I should have been informed of all relevant information to give full consent. Instead it was made for me..
If she knew and didn’t tell you, then yes, I agree. The right thing to do is to get informed consent.

He is not responsible to make sure you have consent, as he doesn’t have a relationship with you.

The problem you have is with her. If she never talked about their sexual histories with him, then be thankful she’s your ex.
 
I'm very sorry this happened this way. It sounds like the break-up was for the best.

This has really disturbed me and affected my health since learning of this, experiencing feelings of panic and violation.

Yes. If she deliberately lied/did lies of omission and kept you in the dark, it's a gross violation of consent.


The likelihood or level of risk isn't the point, no? I should have been informed of all relevant information to give full consent. Instead it was made for me.

Yes, she could have told you that her risk profile had changed before sharing sex with you again (assuming she knew and her other partner didn't keep HER in the dark).

And at the same time, you could be actively asking before you share sex with people. "Since the last time we shared sex, has anything changed in your risk profile? For me on my side there has been..."

Both people should check in. People can still lie to you, but you are at least actively asking. Then you can make informed choices to go ahead and share sex again, with or without condoms and other safer sex practices in place; or limit your sexual activities to less risky ones and wait for a new round of labs and follow-up labs; or not share any kind of sex until a new round of labs and follow-up labs have been done.

Galagirl
 
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