I've posted before regarding my husband wanting a open/monogomish relationship with a BD/SM partner. He was communicating with a woman without my consent or knowledge and when he told me he wanted to meet her all hell broke loose. We have talked and are going to relationship counseling, which has helped a lot. But this woman is willing to wait for six months or longer for what ever reason. This makes me very uncomfortable and I feel pressured to resolve my feelings, what I want and even if I will agree. This could take months or years. I don't know if they are communicating still but they must be if she is willing to wait and I feel like I cannot trust him. He has also told me very little about this woman, either downplaying it to just a BDSM partner or describing as little as possible. Do I have the right to ask questions about her and do I have the right to tell him to let her go, that waiting is not an option. Even if I do consent to a relationship outside of our marriage I do not feel comfortable with her. Was she not upset that I didn't know about the relationship and she is willing to wait even if it causes the other partner pain? Does she not care about everyone involved? If so, why would my husband want to be with someone like that if I am the priority, as he's been telling me over and over again? And it is not fair to her to give her false hope. I think he's being selfish with allowing her wait, like he has this little golden toy he can look at and keep to himself. I think I know the answer to my question, I would just like some validation.
Do I ask my husband to cut ties with possible paramour?
- Thread starter jantjen91
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This sounds hard. I'm sorry you are going through this. 
I'm glad you got a counselor to help, though.
Okay, she can do that. She gets to decide how she wants to spend her time.
Nope, there's no pressure on you. You can go ahead and take months or years. You get to decide how YOU want to spend YOUR time.
It's on her if she wants to keep waiting that long, or if she wants to wait some, and then changes her mind later on and decides to bail. The same for your husband.
You don't have to be pressured by her, by him, or by yourself. The process takes as long as it takes for you in counseling. I know sometimes holding that boundary can be challenging, one called, "No. I will not let people rush me through my decisions." But do it anyway. You don't have to be hurried just because other people have ants in their pants or something.
And if people rush you for an answer, you get to say, "All right, if you want an answer TODAY, then the answer is, "No, thanks. I am not up for this. I vote no confidence in your hinge skills. If you are all ants in the pants to go there NOW, go there without me. I prefer not to jump in blind into things. And if this is how you are as a hinge, I'd rather save myself the trouble and grief."
You could bring up the trust issues in counseling and address them there.
Yes. You are not a minder reader. You can ask/request whatever you want. He may or may not comply. But if he started some kind of cheating thing with her, it's fair to say, "All right, I'll go there. But part of the price of admission is dropping your cheating-affair partner."
Fair enough. If this started as a cheating kind of thing, I could see that.
I can't answer that. I'm not her. It is possible he lied to her, too, but she's so besotted she's willing to overlook it and wait forever. Or... she doesn't care. People are people.
I think that, in your grief after the cheating, it's normal to go through some kind of "Why? Why?" thing as you work through the shock/denial stage of grief. But it's not productive to spend too much energy on her and her thoughts/feelings. You don't have to care about her.
I can't answer that. I'm not him. He could be telling you the truth, or he could be telling you whatever in the moment -- maybe he's so desperate to keep both relationships. Maybe he likes the ego strokes of her hanging around like a lost puppy. I just don't know.
You aren't the one doing that. If she's the one hanging around on false hope, that's her making poor choices. People are free to think dumb things and do dumb stuff. *shrug*
How do you even know she's "willing to wait?" Hubby told you?
If he's doing behavior like that to her, you are going to look at him differently, maybe losing respect/love for him.
I validate to you that you get to feel all your feelings.
I validate to you that cheating sucks.
I validate to you that you DO NOT have to rush your own decisions just because other people have ants in their pants.
I validate to you that you do NOT have to be doing hinky business.
I validate to you that if hubby or Lady is pressuring you to decide things, you CAN decide to opt out, rather than be railroaded into poly under duress.
Galagirl
I'm glad you got a counselor to help, though.Okay, she can do that. She gets to decide how she wants to spend her time.
Nope, there's no pressure on you. You can go ahead and take months or years. You get to decide how YOU want to spend YOUR time.
It's on her if she wants to keep waiting that long, or if she wants to wait some, and then changes her mind later on and decides to bail. The same for your husband.
You don't have to be pressured by her, by him, or by yourself. The process takes as long as it takes for you in counseling. I know sometimes holding that boundary can be challenging, one called, "No. I will not let people rush me through my decisions." But do it anyway. You don't have to be hurried just because other people have ants in their pants or something.
And if people rush you for an answer, you get to say, "All right, if you want an answer TODAY, then the answer is, "No, thanks. I am not up for this. I vote no confidence in your hinge skills. If you are all ants in the pants to go there NOW, go there without me. I prefer not to jump in blind into things. And if this is how you are as a hinge, I'd rather save myself the trouble and grief."
You could bring up the trust issues in counseling and address them there.
Yes. You are not a minder reader. You can ask/request whatever you want. He may or may not comply. But if he started some kind of cheating thing with her, it's fair to say, "All right, I'll go there. But part of the price of admission is dropping your cheating-affair partner."
Fair enough. If this started as a cheating kind of thing, I could see that.
I can't answer that. I'm not her. It is possible he lied to her, too, but she's so besotted she's willing to overlook it and wait forever. Or... she doesn't care. People are people.
I think that, in your grief after the cheating, it's normal to go through some kind of "Why? Why?" thing as you work through the shock/denial stage of grief. But it's not productive to spend too much energy on her and her thoughts/feelings. You don't have to care about her.
I can't answer that. I'm not him. He could be telling you the truth, or he could be telling you whatever in the moment -- maybe he's so desperate to keep both relationships. Maybe he likes the ego strokes of her hanging around like a lost puppy. I just don't know.
You aren't the one doing that. If she's the one hanging around on false hope, that's her making poor choices. People are free to think dumb things and do dumb stuff. *shrug*
How do you even know she's "willing to wait?" Hubby told you?
If he's doing behavior like that to her, you are going to look at him differently, maybe losing respect/love for him.
I validate to you that you get to feel all your feelings.
I validate to you that cheating sucks.
I validate to you that you DO NOT have to rush your own decisions just because other people have ants in their pants.
I validate to you that you do NOT have to be doing hinky business.
I validate to you that if hubby or Lady is pressuring you to decide things, you CAN decide to opt out, rather than be railroaded into poly under duress.
- Take a year trial separation. He does whatever on his side at his flat. You do whatever on your side at your flat. You work with a counselor to either reconcile or split.
- If you already know it would be a split, you work with the counselor and other professionals on a separation agreement/divorce/whatever else is required in your case.
Galagirl
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We are going to marriage counseling. He was the one that told me this woman wants to wait. But he's told me that that lifestyle is indefinitely on hold for him. The problem is that I think about her all the time. What is she like? What does she know about me? What does she have that I don't? It's killing me.
Did he tell you that in a counseling session? You could have a boundary called, "I will not discuss her outside of therapy sessions."
I think it was unkind of him to tell you that she's waiting on him. He's "on hold" with considering poly, so whether she waits on him or not has nothing to do with you. She can make her own choices for how to cope at this time.
All him telling you did was make you ruminate on her. You could have lived without knowing what she is/is not doing right now.
You could ask him all that in a counseling session. And you could ALSO ask him:
- I agreed to marriage vows/marriage agreements. You broke the deal. That doesn't mean I have to automatically sign up for any NEW deals with you. What's your new offer to me?
- Since you cheated on monogamous agreements, what's changed? How would I believe you can keep any new poly agreements?
- How would you prevent this from happening again in future?
- What trust-building behaviors do you plan to do/are doing?
I know the emotions are hard, but the actions are simple. And therapy gets expensive.
In a counseling session uou have every right to tell him something like:
"I consider this cheating. I might be willing to consider changing our shared agreements to something monogamish, or poly, or similar, but not with the cheating-affair partner in the network, or waiting in the wings. Dumping the affair partner is a prerequisite to my considering.
And even after deep consideration with a counselor, I reserve the right to say, "No, thanks. Not doing that with you," because after consideration I may find it's still not my cup of tea.
If he won't dump her, save yourself the bills and the time/energy spent on consideration work and preparing to open/do poly. Just skip it all.
There is nothing wrong with monogamy if you prefer that. If he no longer makes the cut for what you want in a monogamous partner, he doesn't make the cut, then.
There is also nothing wrong with deciding he's too unreliable and too flaky of a hinge to deal with. And you'd rather break up and heal from this, then move on to explore polyamory with BETTER BEHAVING people than these two. If he doesn't make the cut for what you want in a poly partner, he doesn't make the cut then.
You don't have to put up with hinky. You don't have to lower your standards.
Galagirl
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If you are going to ask questions, ask at the the next counseling session. She's already too much on your mind in the form of thoughts you can't help thinking. When you catch yourself thinking about her, note it, and tell yourself, "No, I'm not giving you my brain space. You can wait until the counseling session." Maybe keep notes in a notebook or on Google Doc or whatever. You can't let her take up your "brain space" 24/7.
There's no need to give her the "air space" or "talk space" when you are at home by bringing it up and talking to hubby then either. Leave it for your counseling sessions. That may be a more productive conversation with the counselor's help, anyway.
Put some limits or "containers" on it. It cannot be at all hours of the day, or at random. I get this is a stressful time for you, but you also need BREAKS from all this, times for REST. You need to live a normal life too -- eat dinner, wash the dishes, watch TV, do your hobbies, etc.
I encourage you to stick to your routines -- work on time, eat on time, sleep on time, or at least lie down. When THIS part of life is all up in the air, you may find comfort in other parts of your life being steady.
Galagirl
There's no need to give her the "air space" or "talk space" when you are at home by bringing it up and talking to hubby then either. Leave it for your counseling sessions. That may be a more productive conversation with the counselor's help, anyway.
Put some limits or "containers" on it. It cannot be at all hours of the day, or at random. I get this is a stressful time for you, but you also need BREAKS from all this, times for REST. You need to live a normal life too -- eat dinner, wash the dishes, watch TV, do your hobbies, etc.
I encourage you to stick to your routines -- work on time, eat on time, sleep on time, or at least lie down. When THIS part of life is all up in the air, you may find comfort in other parts of your life being steady.
Galagirl
Part of my problem is we we don't have a joint session for three weeks. We had our first session last week, and she wants to meet with me this week and my husband the next, to learn our individual perspectives. I don't know if I can wait three weeks. And I'm tired of our tiptoeing around each other.
Hi jantjen,
Because your husband was cheating on you, you have the right to tell him he can't have an open marriage with you unless it's with someone else. He doesn't get to keep his cheating partner. You certainly have the right to ask questions about her. She obviously doesn't respect you or your marriage, and neither does your husband if that's the kind of woman he wants to go out with.
Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.
Because your husband was cheating on you, you have the right to tell him he can't have an open marriage with you unless it's with someone else. He doesn't get to keep his cheating partner. You certainly have the right to ask questions about her. She obviously doesn't respect you or your marriage, and neither does your husband if that's the kind of woman he wants to go out with.
Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.