Do you let jealousy keep you from events?

[IndieSolo]

You mentioned that you have only been seeing Finch for four months. So, you two are still in the very beginning stages of getting to know each other. And you started this thread saying that you felt flattered and excited that Finch asked you to attend a convention with him, but knowing that he also intends to meet up with Hawk had you worried and wondering if something about them being there together would trigger you and prompt you to leave the event.

I was surprised by your later post stating that Finch is your sub, but I guess that dynamic is "in the bedroom" only? Because it seems like he is calling the shots, very much in charge, and just doing whatever he wants to do. And there's nothing wrong with that, if your D/s dynamic does not apply outside of the BR or a scene. But your initial post painted a picture of yourself as uncertain and somewhat insecure about being there and you were questioning whether he really wants you there or not.

To me, that sounds like you don't yet have a good handle on what the relationship is between you, which is perfectly understandable at this early stage. However, your doubts and feelings of disappointment seem to me to also suggest that you were either hoping things are further along or different than they actually are, or you are confused about some aspects of the relationship. Or maybe that you don't feel you can fully be yourself with him?

By the way, is the convention a kink-oriented event?

Anyway, if I were you and feeling this level of worry and insecurity around such a new relationship, I would probably pull back, slow down, and find ways to ground myself and get out of my head. I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you first came across as a little bit lost in trying to figure it out. In your later comments you sounded more accepting, yet still rather resigned. It all sounds a bit too complicated for this early on in a relationship, so my advice is to slow your roll and be kind to yourself. Imagining myself in your shoes, I'd probably decline to go to the convention and hopefully give myself the time and space to clear my head, to connect with and be around the people and things in my life where I feel the most secure. And I'd likely not see Finch, or see him less often, until I felt more grounded and sure of myself.

In the end, it doesn't matter whether you attend this thing or not, and it doesn't matter whether Finch saw it as a date or just an outing with others. What matters most is your well-being, your relationship with yourself, and that you trust yourself to make the right choices when it comes to taking care of YOU and finding the best, most authentic expression of who you are in the world.

 

[MeeraReed]

It doesn't sound like it's worth going to this particular convention for you, at this time. Why put yourself through the stress?

If Finch's invitation made you realize that you'd very much like to go to a kink convention [I assume that's what it is] with Finch, but that you'd rather not deal with Hawk being there with Finch also, maybe you could plan for you and Finch to go to a different future event as a date night/weekend for just the two of you? If there's one that won't be overshadowed by Hawk & her fan club.

Otherwise, it sounds like you need to focus on your one-on-one dates with Finch for now.

(Regarding the definition of polyamory, I don't define it as strictly as other people do. I just define it as being able to date multiple people, where "dating" can take whatever form the people in the relationship want. Love happens slowly for me, and I can enjoy dating people that I care about where we don't fall into deep romantic love. I may never end up in a situation where I have multiple loves, but I will always have a polyamorous relationship structure where I can form multiple dating-type connections (and where there's no rule AGAINST falling in love, as with swingers).

But, I lean more toward relationship anarchy in that I don't shape my life around romantic relationships specifically. I have also identified as solo poly in the past, less so now.)

 

[Tinwen]

I was surprised by your later post stating that Finch is your sub

I was also wondering. I thought it is usually the sub who will fall faster and harder. But maybe it's overshadowed by the less common gender dynamics in this case.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for your insight. I do understand solo poly (my partner Raven is), so I was just being a bit rhetorical. Based on your reply I'd also consider my relationship structure as polyamorous. I just don't understand why others would suggest it isn't.

Well, this kind of judgement seems to be common on Reddit, or so I've heard. There's a poly police force there, enforcing the "one true poly" law. We're not cliquish here. We're adults. Polyamory isn't a competition for cool points.

There are many forms polyamory can take. I, personally, am open to how people create their own groupings, understandings, ways of sharing, ways of growing together. Love is love, as people like to say about the gays.

I admit I am against forced triads and unicorn hunting. I have trouble with swinging, as I don't like sport sex personally, and I don't enjoy voyeurism or exhibitionism. It does nothing for me. In fact, it can make me anxious and even slightly depressed. (It seems to me that a lot of exhibitionists have low self esteem, and want/need the dopamine hit of external validation.) I've tried group sex probably 10 times, so I gave it a good try, but it's just not my cup of tea. I don't care for kink "scening" either. But I know many people do. And that's okay.

As long as everyone is transparent, but doesn't share TMI (this takes skill); doesn't lie, either actively or by omission; plays safely; is polite and respectful, it's fine by me. However, people can lie, omit facts, take off a condom without the others partner's knowledge or consent; intrude on a scene; drug a drink; triangulate partners, and so on. There's the rub. The more casual players you involve, the more sketchy behavior and broken trust and misunderstandings you open yourself up to.

Trust is key. It's even more important in kink, where things can get physically dangerous, require hospitalization, cause permanent harm, or even be life threatening,