Does compromise cause resentment?

A

Anxiousmono

New member
As background, my partner (30f) and I (31m) first met in June 2019 and started out as fwb. Within a few months we found ourselves spending most evenings together. Throughout this period we were separately seeing other people and had a couple of encounters with others together. I had a passing interest but she was very active in the social side of the local swinging community.

In November we decided to become 'an item' but carry on as things had always been, an open relationship if you wanted to label it. Something which I have no previous experience of. Due to various circumstances we didn't indulge in meetng others in the immediate aftermath of this decision. On the one or two occasions where we did I found myself feeling somewhat hesitant when with someone else and confused/jealous when she did.

As this all was beginning to come to a head and a likely discussion on the horizon, boom! Global pandemic. This put an end to us being with other people and resulted in us moving in together through convenience & circumstance. Cue two years of us just being us and going through a major life event in each others company.

Now that things are starting to return back to how they were there have been hints at branching out to others again and we have attended a couple of social events for poly people. In doing so I realise that it's not something I can see as part of me in a ltr but I see my partner come alive at the prospect while interacting with like minded people.

I dearly love my partner but in my mind I can only see either myself ending up hurt or her ending up resentful if we decide the relationship has to fall on either side of the divide.
I know if I even bring up the prospect of breaking up she will be heartbroken and say we can continue monogamous, even if it's not what she truly wants and I will end up feeling guilty at restricting her from something which sees her florish.
I'm conflicted in whether the right thing to do is let someone who has been such a big part of my life go or one of us having to compromise our relationship ideals to stay together.

Are we just victims of circumstance that what may have been a 6 month experiment has become a 2 year relationship?
 
It’s interesting because you started out in an open, or fwb, relationship that continued to be open after the label upgraded.

Out of curiosity, if you were to break up and become single again, would you eventually try again with someone new exclusively - or do you think you might return to dating multiple people casually as before? It’s not a trap question - I’m genuinely curious.

P.s. don’t worry, there’s lots of smart people here and I have no doubt one of them will respond with helpful views/reading materials, etc.
 
Bro, just stand up for what you feel about it. If she agrees and realizes that she is miserable y’all will break up anyway.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I think you could be having the needed talks and stop putting it off.

In doing so I realise that it's not something I can see as part of me in a ltr but I see my partner come alive at the prospect while interacting with like minded people.
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Ok, you don't want to be doing any kind of open or poly long term. Like you are fine experimenting or whatever when it's more casual like FWB, but for a long lasting thing, you want something else.

To me this is stuff to sort out early on in the "getting to know you" stage. Certainly before moving in together.

I dearly love my partner but in my mind I can only see either myself ending up hurt or her ending up resentful if we decide the relationship has to fall on either side of the divide.
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Then stop participating in this and end it.

I know if I even bring up the prospect of breaking up she will be heartbroken and say we can continue monogamous, even if it's not what she truly wants and I will end up feeling guilty at restricting her from something which sees her florish.
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And if she offers that? And you recognize it as grief talk?

You could tell her kind but firm "No. I prefer to be broken up."

Because sometimes the last loving thing to do is to part ways. Kind but firm. It's better to linger in the healing space and not in the dragging out a break up space.

I'm conflicted in whether the right thing to do is let someone who has been such a big part of my life go or one of us having to compromise our relationship ideals to stay together.
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If you two want to stay in each other's lives as exes and friends, you can do that. If it's best just exes and not talking any more, you can do that also.

But I think compromise is for popsicles. It is NOT for values.

Like if there's one popsicle left and DH and I both want it. Well, we can compromise and split it. We are not REALLY getting what we want. Because both want a whole one. But not a huge deal because after dinner we can go get grocery and then each gets to have a whole one later in the evening.

Compromising your VALUES? The things you really want and value in your romantic relationships? That's bigger than popsicles. Quite another thing. So don't compromise on those.

Like if one of you wants to be child free and the other one really wants 2 kids. You do not "compromise" and have 1 kid. Doesn't serve anyone well, esp not the kid. Better to part ways because not deeply compatible.

You doing open/poly when you don't really want to in a long term relationship just to avoid a break up?

Or her doing monogamy when she doesn't really want to just to avoid a break up?

Where is the sense in doing that? Each one must be able to say "I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me or goes against my grain. I have to care about my own well being."

As this all was beginning to come to a head and a likely discussion on the horizon, boom! Global pandemic.
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Ok. I can see why pandemic hitting meant pausing dating other people. And maybe accelerated living together. But why did it pause having the needed talk? The people needed for that were/are present. Could catch this up.

Are we just victims of circumstance that what may have been a 6 month experiment has become a 2 year relationship?
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What was out of your control that made you a victim of circumstance?

To me it sounds like there was a conversation that needed to happen earlier on. And then neither one of you followed through with it. Just kicked the can down the road.

NRE lasts between 6 - 24 months. If you are discovering that while there was some initial compatibility, there's not going to be DEEP compatibility because you each want very different things?

It's ok to feel sad and break up. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.

Galagirl
 
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this painful realization.

Lots of us, if not all of us, made certain decisions during the pandemic about living situations. Other people (poly or mono) also began living with partners just to have access to them, when in a non-pandemic situation they would have continued living apart and dating as usual. Just because you made this decision during the pandemic does not mean you made a lifelong commitment. And it certainly does not mean you must compromise your core values, even if you just discovered a core value of yours is to be monogamous with a serious partner, and your gf realized she could make a serious commitment to you while continuing to have other relationships (maybe casual or, who knows, even other serious commitments).

Perhaps you could each go back to living separately now. Maybe stop dating, maybe not. Maybe over time you could reassess the situation as you live and evolve. Maybe someday you could get into a serious relationship and still date others... with her or with others.

You could try reading the book Opening Up, which is a great resource for information and strategies on all kinds of open relationships, for solo poly people or partnered ones. It's also loaded with ideas for relationship skills even if you are mono and want a good solid honest relationship with just one person some day.
 
Hello Anxiousmono,
Here's some reading material:
It seems to me that at one time, you were okay with your partner seeing other people. Something changed. Something about becoming "an item" made a difference. Can you identify what changed and how? If you can, there might be hope of starting a new kind of relationship with her, a mono/poly relationship or maybe even a poly/poly relationship. If you can't, then breaking up might be the kindest thing to do for both of you. When compromise violates your core values, it is going to cause resentment.

The two-year pandemic was just a coincidence. I think your partner spent that time exclusive to you simply because the pandemic gave her no choice. I don't think it was because she was okay with monogamy.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Although you started off as FWB, in simplistic terms it sounds like you have a monogamous heart and she has a polyamorous heart. You can make compromises out of romantic devotion but it will store up problems. Resentment may be among them.

Please consider letting go now that the two year pandemic freeze is thawing. You will both be better off in the long term and ultimately that's what you'd both want for each other.
 
Anxiousmono said:
I dearly love my partner but in my mind I can only see either myself ending up hurt or her ending up resentful if we decide the relationship has to fall on either side of the divide.
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Sometimes we don't get to keep the things that we love, in the way that we are used to having them.

All you can do is be honest, be kind, while making your flourishing your ultimate priority.

Anxiousmono said:
I know if I even bring up the prospect of breaking up she will be heartbroken and say we can continue monogamous, even if it's not what she truly wants and I will end up feeling guilty at restricting her from something which sees her florish.
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This sounds like you two both value coddling and "not rocking the boat" over having healthy boundaries.

My recommendation is to flip this. Decide on healthy boundaries based in the reality of who you are and what you value, express them clearly and patiently, and be a safe audience for them to do the same.

All we do when we coddle and avoid rocking the boat is live inauthentically and this is where the resentment will invariably start to build.
 
Thanks for all the kind words and insights, different takes on things always helps me.
By nature we are both very confrontation averse which probably hasn't helped things.

I have nothing against casual relationships and experimenting in various forms and have enjoyed both but it's not something I see being part of a long term relationship. This is also my first LTR so I haven't had previous experience to gauge things against, everything has been new.

We have a busy couple of weeks but after that I think there will be a big chat needed.
 
It's good that you are preparing to have the talk that you need to have. It sounds like the difference for you is that it is an LTR, when it was casual (FWB), then you felt that a certain amount of fooling around was appropriate. I can understand why you had a change of heart about that, I hope you and your partner will be able to have that talk, and rearrange your relationship as necessary.
 
@Anxiousmono

In my personal experience, compromise did cause resentment.

I was involved with a married poly woman. Our relationship eventually ended on not the best of terms.

The Wife and Husband had rules set up:

1) The Wife couldn't have overnight sleepovers with me.
2) The Wife didn't have to divulge any details of her time with me.

This worked out fine early on in our relationship. She would come over to my place mid-morning and leave at midnight.

But over time it was evident that the Husband was getting jealous. He would ask the Wife about what we did. Out of frustration she would tell all the graphic details. This didn't sit well with him.

The Wife wanted to change their agreement. She wanted to sleepover with me and tried to negotiate down from once a week to once a month. He wouldn't budge. She felt that he broke their rule of divulging details, so she should be allowed overnights with me.

I was getting frustrated by this as well. I wanted to spend more time with her. It got to the point where she would break the agreement and stay overnight with me when he was out of town. She of course didn't tell him about it.

Overall, these compromises just ended up making all of us feel resentment towards each other.
 
IvanTrentBrown said:
@Anxiousmono

In my personal experience, compromise did cause resentment.

I was involved with a married poly woman. Our relationship eventually ended on not the best of terms.

The Wife and Husband had rules set up:

1) The Wife couldn't have overnight sleepovers with me.
2) The Wife didn't have to divulge any details of her time with me.

This worked out fine early on in our relationship. She would come over to my place mid-morning and leave at midnight.

But over time it was evident that the Husband was getting jealous. He would ask the Wife about what we did. Out of frustration she would tell all the graphic details. This didn't sit well with him.

The Wife wanted to change their agreement. She wanted to sleepover with me and tried to negotiate down from once a week to once a month. He wouldn't budge. She felt that he broke their rule of divulging details, so she should be allowed overnights with me.

I was getting frustrated by this as well. I wanted to spend more time with her. It got to the point where she would break the agreement and stay overnight with me when he was out of town. She of course didn't tell him about it.

Overall, these compromises just ended up making all of us feel resentment towards each other.
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That doesn't sound like compromising. That sounds like agreeing to unhealthy rules and then breaking those rules. A compromise is a meeting in the middle (can be closer to one side than the other, but still in between somewhere). None of that happened there.
 
Anxiousmono said:
Thanks for all the kind words and insights, different takes on things always helps me.
By nature we are both very confrontation averse which probably hasn't helped things.

I have nothing against casual relationships and experimenting in various forms and have enjoyed both but it's not something I see being part of a long term relationship. This is also my first LTR so I haven't had previous experience to gauge things against, everything has been new.

We have a busy couple of weeks but after that I think there will be a big chat needed.
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That sounds really stressful! Hubby and I actually started dating in high school, but I did a lot of dating around the couple of years beforehand. Without those experiences I think it would be really hard to define what I want and need out of a relationship. Even after opening up to polyamory, I had to date around a bit before figuring out what I want and need from additional partners in my life. First serious relationships so often don't work out because of the amount of growth that (rightfully and necessarily) occurs as you learn to relate.

I love that you're trying, and you've gotten some great advice from others. Good luck!
 
AnxiousMono said:
We have a busy couple of weeks but after that I think there will be a big chat needed.
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Glad you plan to catch up the needed conversations. Might also consider working on the conflict avoidance thing.

Why does conflict resolution have to be scary or hard or bad? It's just having to work something out. Which is reasonable from time to time in a relationship.

IvanTrentBrown said:
Overall, these compromises just ended up making all of us feel resentment towards each other.
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I could be wrong, but you seem to be using the other definition of the word. Not like "we came to a compromise" like "we negotiated to meet in the middle." But more like "I have compromised my agreements" like a breach of the agreements.

When someone compromises oneself by not being a person of their word? Cheats on their agreements with others rather than holding them up, renegotiating them, or giving the heads up that they no longer agree to do X any more?

Behavior like that makes it so others think they cannot trust them to be up front and honest. So... yeah. Fertile ground for resentments to grow.

Galagirl
 
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Update:
We had a conversation and I made my points on how its monogamy that I would like and as expected. She said that we can do that and the various accounts etc can all be got rid of but I don't know if I can be content with her giving up so much without always feeling guilty about depriving her of something so significant.
 
I'm glad you both talked.

To me it doesn't sound like you are depriving her of anything.

You stated what you are willing to do: Monogamy. You don't want any poly stuff.

Based on that info? She is making HER choice. She prefers to let poly dating other people go, and stick with monogamy. Rather than let the relationship with you go and pursue polyamory on her own. You have to trust that she's being honest with you about that and she really can let it go. She's not just saying whatever just to avoid a break up.

Just like in any other monogamous relationship? People sometimes stay together. People sometimes break up. If she changes her mind about being in a relationship with you later down? She is free to bring it up at a later point in time. You can do same if you change your mind about being a relationship with her.

I think you could make peace with each one of you being responsible for your own choices.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Anxiousmono,

Thank you for that update. It sounds like the tragedy is playing out according to the script you envisioned. She finds out that you can't live with open/poly, and then to avoid breaking up with you, she agrees to sacrifice open/poly, resulting in you feeling guilty for taking away something so important to her. And maybe later on, she will start to resent you for making her compromise her core values and give up her happiness.

I am not sure what the solution is. I guess you are kind of in a position where you have to do what GalaGirl suggested, you have to assume your partner is sincere about her willingness to give up open/poly, you have to assume that she isn't doing it just to avoid a breakup. If she is, then the onus is on her to come clean with you about it later on, and to accept that breaking up is the kindest thing the two of you can do for each other.

I hope both of you can find happiness in life.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Anxiousmono said:
Update:
We had a conversation and I made my points on how its monogamy that I would like and as expected. She said that we can do that and the various accounts etc can all be got rid of but I don't know if I can be content with her giving up so much without always feeling guilty about depriving her of something so significant.
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I wonder if it helps with the guilty feelings for you to appreciate that you are giving her a gift here - the gift of clarity. You know your comfort levels and have expressed that clearly. It's up to her how she responds.

I assume you have also told her about your fears (that she would agree to monogamy but grow to resent it) and that you expected you would feel guilty.

I wish you the best in this next period of discovering whether a closed dynamic works for both of you.
 
Yes compromise can breed resentment, but it doesn't have to.
For now, it seems that you have both agreed to close things. In the event that it becomes too big of a compromise for your partner:
You said that you don't see poly in your life. That doesn't necessarily mean it can't be a part of your partner's life. My husband knows that he can see other people if he wants to, but hasn't taken advantage of that and has said he doesn't really see himself ever doing that (but who knows!). There are quite a few examples on this page of mono practicing partners w poly ppl. The question would then be if you would be okay with that compromise? But I'd cross that bridge when you get there.
As long as you keep an open line of communication with your partner, there's no need for you to feel guilty. Things change.
 
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