Does it ever get easier?

Ckemme

Ckemme

New member
I'm a 37f married to a 38m. We've been together for 13 years and began practicing ENM earlier this year. We've done the research, been in both couples and individualized therapy consistely, and set up agreements that we could continue to negotiate and refine. Since then, my husband has fallen deeply in love with a woman in Chicago and is struggling with how to navigate NRE with 1000 miles between them. Meanwhile, I've been dating consistently and having fun making new connections and allowing relationships to evolve as they would organically. It's been hard, emotionally, at times, but we've kept working at it.

Due to some trauma around sex, my husband and I are no longer sexually intimate, which has made our growing sexual relationships with others incredibly challenging at times. We want to have *something* together and we love eachother deeply, but the trauma has taken that possibility off the table for at least the time being. But recently, he told me that he's not sure he wants to be in a marriage without sex... which hurts considering that his needs are being met elsewhere. He also said that he could see himself returning to mono with his new partner if he and I were no longer together - which breaks my heart more than I want to admit.

I'm working on radical acceptance in all aspects of my life but especially with relationships and I know that no matter what, we'll be okay. I'll be okay. He needs to make the decision that's best for him, as do I.

I'm just wondering if poly life gets easier - if the late-night conversations and sobs ever really subside, if it's possible for couples who were once mono to actually build something new in spite of trauma and baggage and societal expectations. Is it possible for committed partners to practice different forms of poly? This is SO hard sometimes, but also SO worthwhile. How long does it take to be able to stop white-knuckling it?
 
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Ckemme said:
I'm just wondering if poly life gets easier
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With respect, your issue here isn't "poly life" so much as the fact you and your husband are trying to solve a major incompatibility through opening your relationship.
It's not always good enough to have some things with one person and other things with another person. There are some things people need with all their partners. I think he's been clear that sexual intimacy is one of those things for him.
 
It's hard to offer advice without understanding more about the trauma and how it has affected you and your h's ability to have sex. I assume your therapists know about what happened. Have they been advising you two about going ahead and having sex with others, falling in love with others, spending any kind of intimate time with others when your actual marriage has this problem?

Was opening the marriage meant to act as a kind of Band-Aid for your troubled marriage?
 
I went through a similar thing with my life partner. sexless marriage for years. We decided to be poly. First lesson I learned was others cannot “replace” your needs that are unmet from other partners. You have needs from each partner, regardless if you are getting that thing elsewhere. I had to end our sexual relationship so that unmet need was no longer a part of our relationship. Then over the next 18 months the relationship had to transition to something else a few more times until we both felt happy in it. It was work and heartbreaking but we are still life partners (non romantic or sexual) that live together and share future goals together. He is a best friend that supports me in my other relationships and in life And I him. I cannot tell you what your future holds, but this was something we both wanted. If either of us wanted something else, then everything would be over.

one factor that was on our side is both of us want to be poly. If either of us wanted to go back to mono, it wouldn’t work. We saw no reason to end a loving, caring partnership when we can find the deeply romantic and sexual relationships we want through poly.

For me, it did get better. But I had to grieve what was, and the fantasies I had of our future. We had to change the structure, completely detangle, and get our autonomy back. He has his room and I have mine and finances are split based on the percentage of income we each bring to the table. We now each have our own money to do with as we wish And I have a second life partner now and wouldn’t want it any other way.
 
Bobbi said:
one factor that was on our side is both of us want to be poly. If either of us wanted to go back to mono, it wouldn’t work. We saw no reason to end a loving, caring partnership when we can find the deeply romantic and sexual relationships we want through poly.

For me, it did get better. But I had to grieve what was, and the fantasies I had of our future. We had to change the structure, completely detangle, and get our autonomy back. He has his room and I have mine and finances are split based on the percentage of income we each bring to the table. We now each have our own money to do with as we wish And I have a second life partner now and wouldn’t want it any other way.
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Basically, all of this for me as well - you can read my blog if you have a lot of time on your hands, but the above quote really does summarize my experience too. (Well, Knight and I haven’t _completely_ given up sex/romance but it’s rare and not the center of our relationship, by far )
 
Hello Ckemme,

Whether it ever gets any easier, depends on if poly is right for you. Also it depends on whether your husband treats you right. Sometimes NRE can lead us to neglect our original partner.

Having said that, there is a saying about poly: "First year forming, second year storming, third year norming." You are still in your first year, and have been having some storming. There is hope that norming is in your future.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
Hi!

Of course advice about a topic that involves a trauma can only go so far, but it's possible that this may help...

A lot of times we treat intimacy and sex as being the same thing, and in fact they aren't, at least intimacy is much, much more than just sex. What struck me in your opening post was the sentence about your husband being unsure that he wants to be in a marriage that doesn't involve sex. It is *possible* that this can be worked around by finding a love for different kinds of shared intimacy.

There was a point early in our marriage that my wife admitted that she doesn't always feel sexual, specifically that the idea of sex itself, penetration, isn't always there for her as a desire. I, as a "classically-trained" cis man, didn't digest that well, and there was a period of emotional unrest about it on my end. But we talked about intimacy, about what really got our heartstrings pulling for each other, and I was able to adapt my way of seeing our shared life. We certainly aren't celibate, but when it is late and we are watching tv and she suddenly gets a pillow, leans it against me and lies down, I know she's going to spread her hair out for me to run my fingers through while we watch our show, and I know it is going to warm both of our hearts. Because her love language is quality time, mine is touch and voila, an intimate connection that fills our hearts without having to move to anything sexual.

So I can be quite sexual when I go on a date with my poly partner and quite intimate with my wife, and there is no longer a feeling of something missing anywhere.

The trick for you, OP, is to find the ways to get you both to feel the intimacy of your joined life and, and this might be the hardest part... figuring out how to get a partner to feel it, too. If he's classically trained like I was, it can involve a bit of work, but it IS possible. Best of luck.
 
I can relate to a lot of what has been said here but I will just share that the end of a marriage doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship.

During my poly journey I found that I did not want to be married to anyone. So we ended the marriage, it was no big deal.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

We want to have *something* together and we love eachother deeply, but the trauma has taken that possibility off the table for at least the time being.
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There is nothing wrong with ending the marriage and over time? Becoming exes and friends if you both want that. And what you would share is a loving friendship. Maybe that relationship shape is a better fit for this chapter of life?

I know that no matter what, we'll be okay. I'll be okay. He needs to make the decision that's best for him, as do I.
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Yes. You will both be ok. And you can make the decision that is best for you. So can he. Even if it means disbanding the marriage.

This is SO hard sometimes, but also SO worthwhile. How long does it take to be able to stop white-knuckling it?
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Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone. You have to go beyond what you were previously comfortable with in order to grow. But hopefully it is a comfortable and chosen uncomfortable. You WANT to be doing this. It stretches you and you KNOW it will and you WANT that.

But "white knuckling it" doesn't sound great. It sounds like maybe you don't really want it. It's taking on too much too fast. Possibly trying to do things that go against your grain, doing something that is not right for you.

Could any of that be happening here? This is not actually growth but you bending all into pretzels just trying to hang on to this marriage?

Polyamory is not the "bandaid" for a marriage that simply needs to disband. It's not meant to be used to help enable you two to hobble along avoiding dealing with the marriage issues because you "get your needs met elsewhere."

Each relationship inside a larger polyship? Could be a whole and healthy relationship on its own. And not like you date Apple to make up for whatever you don't get with Banana. Apple probably wants to be dated for their own self and not like some "Banana crutch." And Banana probably also wants to be dated for their own self and not like "I need an Apple crutch so I can avoid talking to you about our problems/avoid a break up."

If the marriage shape doesn't fit any more? It's ok for it to change. Save the people and their well being. Not preserve the relationship shape and have the people just "going through the motions" or suffering.

I encourage you to think about how much longer you want to give this before making a call. "White knuckling" doesn't sound great. :(

Galagirl
 
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