Does loving two people at the same time make me polyamorous?

[Woopy]

Hello, I just signed up because I want to share my story and get some advice/suggestion/ideas.
I'm married for 7 years and I have kept contact with a friend that I met before I met my husband. I felt a special connection with this friend but I never thought much of it until I visited him two years ago in Germany and spent 5 days with him. During this 5 days, I felt some intense unknown emotions and the tension between us: we both felt something towards each other but we restrained ourselves from expressing or showing those feelings. When I went back home, I couldn't stop thinking of him and I felt guilty towards my husband. I married him partly because he's there for me during my darkest time in life and I didn't want to be alone anymore. The feelings I have for him is more of a reliance for a family member or a close friend, but not a romantic attraction. And I don't really like the fact that I'm married, so I never told my new friends about it.
My friend came to visit me, and we got clearer about our feelings for each other. He was also bothered by the fact that I'm married and he thought we couldn't be more than friends. When he heard about polyamory, he thought that he found a solution. He then proposed it to me and my husband, who was strongly annoyed and got really upset. He thought about divorce, but finally decided that he loved me no matter what and he believed that it's all my friend's fault so he kicked him out. I was devastated, I don't want to leave my husband, but I couldn't stop my feelings towards my friend either. My friend was traumatised by what happened, he wanted to create a harmonious relationship between us three, but my husband didn't want to see or talk to him anymore. We kept a very loose contact, he told me we could only be friends now, but I kept dreaming for more. Eventually he called me to end our relationship for good.
I'm trying to make a summary of very long and complicated story, hopefully it's clear enough. I'm very sad because it's the first time in my life someone explicitly wants to end a relationship with me, I think I've fallen in love with him and I dreamed of a different life with him all the time. Now he's not even in my life anymore. I can't talk to my friends about this, they all think I'm cheating on my husband emotionally.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Woopy,

I take it you do not want to leave your husband; what you want is to stay married and to be with your friend. To that end, I suggest you talk to your husband about poly from time to time (e.g., every week or two), and hope he'll change his mind eventually. At the same time, try to contact your friend, and let him know that you are trying for a polyamorous outcome. It might take quite awhile to get there, perhaps a year or two. And it's possible your husband will never change his mind; he does seem to be dug into his current position pretty deeply. But if you're determined to stay married to him, and don't want to give up on poly with your friend, this is really the only option I can think of. It doesn't come with a guarantee of success, but at least you can say you tried. Hopefully others will post on this thread (with contrasting advice).

Hang in there,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[WaywardWillow]

This reminds me a lot of a heart situation I found myself in my early 20s. He was a lot of reason that I ended up being poly.

What I would suggest is basically what kdt suggested in trying to continue to discuss this with your husband. Does he know that you feel the way you described about your marriage? From his reaction, this seems to be an insecurity for him. There's nothing wrong with feeling how you feel about it, though it may hurt your husband and be a journey of understanding on his part. You seem to be very self aware, which is really going to serve you well in this.

I feel for you regarding this situation, as mine was almost reversed and now the guy is married. For the sake of your own happiness, don't let your past choices determine the rest of your life and simply endure because its easier. Even if your husband is uncooporative now, if he loves you the way you deserve this will simply be a growing experience for you both. Remember that you deserve the life you're dreaming of and your husband deserves his too. Maybe that's not each other? And that's okay too.

For the next bit I would simply focus on being as open and honest as possible with your husband. He wanted you as his partner and now this is part of that.

Please keep us updated. I am rooting for you!

 

[Woopy]

Thank you Kevin and WW, for your suggestions and kind support.
I think it's a logical solution to talk to my husband and "wear him down" to accept a poly relationship. We had some talks, but we couldn't reach a common ground yet. He's not really against it, but his idea of polyamory is that he gets to have sex with other women, which totally misses out the point. He told me he couldn't force me to do or not to do anything, but he didn't want to see or talk with my friend(let's call him M) anymore. For me, I don't really want to be married(having the status), but I want to keep the relationship with my husband as he's an important part of my life, while feeling free to meet other people and to be attracted to them without guilt. I secretly wished that my husband and M could swap places. Sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong or just selfish, if I really love either of them, if my desire for M is because that I couldn't have him?
I started to read books on psychology and intimate relationships, but I still couldn't get any answers.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Woopy,

It sounds like you have the right idea of how to proceed. Your husband is perhaps not realizing that polyamory is an emotional state, it is having feelings for multiple people, it isn't just about sex, sometimes it isn't even at all about sex. Have talks with your husband and see if you can clear that up with him.

As for M, in theory at least you could date M, your husband would not have to see or talk with him in order for that to happen. But you do need your husband's consent before proceeding, so that part will have to be slowly negotiated with him. I don't know if part of the reason why you're interested in M is because he's like the forbidden fruit? Only you can answer that question.

You might find Poly FAQ to be an interesting read, maybe your husband could read it as well. Good luck!

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I want to keep the relationship with my husband as he's an important part of my life, while feeling free to meet other people and to be attracted to them without guilt. I secretly wished that my husband and M could swap places. Sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong or just selfish, if I really love either of them, if my desire for M is because that I couldn't have him?

I am going to guess. I might guess wrong.

It sounds like basically you aren't "in love" with your husband. You married him 7 years ago because you were tired of being alone and he was there through a dark time. He was handy.

While he's "in love" with you, you think of him more like someone you would rely on... like a close family member or friend. You care for him, but aren't in love with him. You also don't tell friends you are married because you don't really want to be married.

Maybe you are starting to feel bad about marrying him under this guise. Esp if he is "in love" with you and has done nothing "wrong" -- he's been a loyal, steadfast husband.

But at the same time... maybe you are done with a "marriage of convenience" and are outgrowing it. Getting healthier than you were back then. Maybe back then when you got married you thought "love" just wasn't on the table for you. So may as well marry a nice man and make do because that is better than being alone. Only you know what you were dealing with in that dark time. But maybe you want something more from life now and you discovered that love and attraction IS possible for you. And... it's just not here with this husband.

Rather than drag it out for the both of you, how about radical honesty?

Right now? You sound like you are coming at poly like it might be a "bandaid" so you can keep the husband around, and maybe assuage your guilt around the origins of that relationship or maybe feeling bad you aren't as into him as husband is into you. While still giving you avenue to pursue M or people like M.

I'd encourage you to pause on the M thing and the poly thing and just boldly deal with the thing that is true no matter what -- you don't want to be married.

If you can tell internet strangers this stuff? You can tell it to husband.

1) I don't want to be married. I may or may not be up for poly, but I know I don't want to be spouses any more. I want to talk about a peaceful divorce.

2) I would like to maintain a relationship with you. I prefer if you were my good ex and we could be friends too. I understand you might not be up for that and prefer just good exes and not being friends after divorce.

3) You are mad at M because you think he started the whole thing or put the idea in my head, but really I've been struggling with my attraction to other people all along and just not saying anything. I am not "in love" with you. I love and care about you but I what I feel for you is like a family member or friend. I'm sorry I wasn't more honest and up front about that. I was confused and trying to figure myself out. Whether it means I'm poly or not, I don't know yet. I do know I don't want to be married any more.

And clear the whole married thing up FIRST, and THEN see what comes next.

Maybe you pursue M and works out just you two. Or you and M move on to polyshipping. Or you meet someone else entirely.

But however that part of your new life turns out? You get ON with living your new life and this time living it more honestly, more authentically.

If that means you and husband wind up good exes and friends? Great. If it means the season has passed, and you drift apart? Bummer, but at least it is a more honest relating and you are both free to pursue more compatible people for the next chapter of your lives.

When you talk to him about divorce, don't even bother "padding" it by saying that you want him to stop being your husband and want him to be your "boyfriend" or "lover." Whether you move on to open/poly relationships or not? If you just aren't into husband like that, don't drag it out. Don't pussyfoot and just rip the bandaid off.

Do not "wear him down" with poly talk either just so he says "ok" so you stop pestering. That's not a great way to behave.

If it turns out you and husband are better off with different partners? You both are not really suited for each other any more? It's ok to let that go and start a new chapter of your life.

You deserve a relationship where you are in love with the person and the are in love with you back.

Husband deserves the same -- to be in love with a person who is in love with him back.

If the marriage shape doesn't fit right here? It's ok to end it in favor of a shape that fits you and husband better. Maybe that's "good exes" shape. Maybe it is "good exes and friends" shape. But no point in staying in "married shape" that you KNOW feels wonky.

Could stop dreaming about a new life and actually take actions to achieve it.

I can't talk to my friends about this, they all think I'm cheating on my husband emotionally.

Do you not want to talk to your friends because it's true about the emotional cheating and you don't want to own it yet?

I encourage you to talk to your friends and ask for what you need -- non-judgement, support, patience, and kindness during a confusing time and pending divorce while you figure out what you want. If you have crap friends? Well, don't talk to them and add it to the list for your new life -- making better quality friends.

Seek a therapist for extra support through a hard time in addition to the friends or instead of the friends.

But sooner or later you have to actually start living your life authentically right? If you want things to get better? Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

Galagirl

 

[Woopy]

While he's "in love" with you, you think of him more like someone you would rely on a close family member or friend. You care for him, but aren't in love with him.

Wow, you're really good, what you said is 100% correct, it's as if you know me personally.
To add some background to the story, my husband is the first person with whom I had a relationship. I went through a lot of body-shaming throughout my childhood and adolescence and adulthood (in the country where I came from, there's no such thing as politically correct) and I had extremely low self-steam. I've never had anyone merely expressing any interest in me and I always believed that I'd die alone. I left my country to travel the world, hoping to find the meaning of life and my calling. When I first met my husband, he's also on a world tour. I didn't say no to him when he asked me out, and we got together really fast even though he's not my type at all. I was lonely, insecure and completely broken inside at that time, and he saved me from possible suicidal attempts. He's kind, patient and funny, and he made me happy, we travelled around for over a year and had the best times of my life. He never thought of getting married one day, and I was the insecure one and I believed that marriage's a safety net even though I had never really thought about its meaning and the responsibility in it. All my family and friends thought that he's the best thing that ever happened to me, that I was so lucky to have him. He asked me to marry him, I felt that I'd never have someone who'd love me like he did, so I said yes, even though I couldn't imagine the future with him. I also jumped at this opportunity to leave my country for good, to stay in his, where there's less jugement, more freedom.

He took care of me as he said he would, I haven't worked much since I got there except for some part-time jobs as I had to take languages classes and I eventually enrolled in the university. I was depressed since the first year I arrived, I guess my heart knew that it wasn't right to marry him, but my head didn't know yet. I was not happy, I felt that this's not the life I wanted. I even went to see a therapist, who told me that I had a choice, that I always do. I tried to socialise, to do more sports, to make new friends... it worked, to an extent. But there's always this secret question hiding in my head: do I really love him? I don't know the answer, and I'm also afraid to know. I don't know what love is, I had many crushes in the past, but I've never really loved someone, so I couldn't tell. Life went on, we made more friends, we travelled to more countries each year, and I'm currently studying for my master's degree. We had fights as well, but then we always get back together. He respects me and is always there for me. He's even learning my language so that he can talk to my mom. I feel bad because I couldn't do the same for him. I feel reluctant to meet his family even though his mom lives only 30 minutes away.

He can be a good life partner, but he's not my soul mate. He couldn't connect with me in a deeper level, his world is simple and easy, but mine is dark and complicated. I realised that slowly, I stopped sharing things with him as he couldn't understand. There's commitment and intimacy in our relationship, but no passion. We had some serious talks last year, where I told him that I loved him as my best friend, but not as husband. He refused to accept, and he insisted that I loved him, it's normal that passion faded away. And he's ok with it, even if I only love him a little bit, because he couldn't imagine his life without me. I suggested that we're going to be separated one day, he didn't disagree, maybe he believed that this day would never come.

On one hand, I feel that I'm becoming too dependant on him, that I have to grow to be my own person; on the other hand, it's going to be painful for me and specially for him to end our relationship. I shouldn't have married him when I was a mess in my life, I used him as an escape from the real life, and now it's catching up with me. I still haven't found the meaning of life nor figured out what I wanna do, I wasted a good part of my life running in circles. Maybe my biggest problem is not my marriage, is myself. Maybe I don't deserve happiness because it's me who single-handedly destroyed everything.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey now. Everyone deserves happiness. We live and we learn. Our mistakes are opportunities for growth and progress. What we need at age 21 is not the same thing we need at 30, for example. It's OK to outgrow a partner and to admit it. He's still a great guy, and you'll always be grateful for his help. But maybe you've just grown apart. That's not fun to admit, but there is nothing bad or wrong about it.

It has not been my experience that passion dies in a long term relationship. It can wax and wane, but just outright dying is not a given. If you're "in love" you'll know it! You won't need to question it. It will just be obvious.

If you needed a life raft coming from a country with deeply-held misogyny, where you were barely able to survive, much less thrive, that's OK.

Keep growing! Life is ever-changing. That is the only constant.

 

[Woopy]

Hey now. Everyone deserves happiness. We live and we learn. Our mistakes are opportunities for growth and progress. What we need at age 21 is not the same thing we need at 30, for example. It's OK to outgrow a partner and to admit it. He's still a great guy, and you'll always be grateful for his help. But maybe you've just grown apart. That's not fun to admit, but there is nothing bad or wrong about it.

It has not been my experience that passion dies in a long term relationship. It can wax and wane, but just outright dying is not a given. If you're "in love" you'll know it! You won't need to question it. It will just be obvious.

If you needed a life raft coming from a country with deeply-held misogyny, where you were barely able to survive, much less thrive, that's OK.

Keep growing! Life is ever-changing. That is the only constant.

Thank you Magdlyn for your kind words. You're right that it's hard to admit it, and it's also sad when all he wants is to grow old with me.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for airing out some.

FWIW, you sound like you know what you want and don't want. Just maybe feeling bad about it because maybe you felt like you were using husband. When really it's that you've grown apart.

On one hand, I feel that I'm becoming too dependant on him, that I have to grow to be my own person; on the other hand, it's going to be painful for me and specially for him to end our relationship

You know what? Nothing stops you from growing old together as good exes and friends if you both want that.

I get that contemplating changes can feel scary, and sometimes there's a price to admission. In this case the pain of a break up because no break up, even when the best choice? Is gonna be FUN like "Yay, cookies!" But there CAN be good break ups that are respectful, mutual, and let both people move on to things that fit them better and are more compatible. Sometimes the last loving act of a marriage is to let it go with grace.

Don't keep staying in the marriage that doesn't fit you from some sort of misplaced loyalty or duty or wanting that "safety net" thing. Or fear of change. Especially if the price of admission is too high because you walk around in a depression all the time from doing stuff you really don't want to be doing. You are selling out your mental health for "safety net" when really you could learn to stand on your own feet and support yourself and be your own safety net. You don't have to be a wife/dependent.

Your therapist is right. You always do have choices.

In the end? You know you don't want to be married to this husband because you aren't in love with him. You married him and have been doing "empty love" for a while and are growing tired of that. Maybe some "Liking" and at times "liking + committment" so it feels like companionate. But largely going through the motion of marriage. Which depresses you. So you looked to distractions so you could still keep the "safety net." And... they are getting old.

It's ok to want something else for your next chapter.

Maybe you aren't quite ready to put that into ACTION just yet, but you sound like you are ready to just start calling it what it is. You already told husband last year that you aren't in love with him. He sounds like he's in denial or maybe starting to digest/accept that. You sound like you've been digesting that for a while though and not happy living like this.

I believe feelings ensue after behavior. So if your behaviors have revolved around participating in a marriage you really don't want to be in? Then of course it starts to feel blah after a while.

If you want to feel something different? You have to change your behaviors.

Your personality may run more "dark" than your husband's. That you may or may not be able to help depending on what your therapist says and what your medical plan is. Some people need to take anti-depressants.

But being married to someone you like but don't love doing a kind of "meh" marriage? Where is the pleasure in that? That IS something you can help. You can stop doing that behavior and stop being married.

Maybe you finish your degree and you and husband part ways peacefully. You start living on your own. See if that feels better.

I shouldn't have married him when I was a mess in my life, I used him as an escape from the real life, and now it's catching up with me.

So maybe it's time to make changes then? See if the situational depression lifts or reduces because you remove some of the things that depress you. Even if married to a nice enough man? You aren't happy doing meh marriage. You sound like you are just going through the motions.

But there's always this secret question hiding in my head: do I really love him? I don't know the answer, and I'm also afraid to know.

You are not in love with your husband. You have been saying so in these posts. You told him as much.

Maybe it's ok to start owning that and saying it to yourself plain to yourself like "I love him enough like a friend or relative. But no. I am not IN LOVE with him. It is what it is."

Is it that you are afraid to "know it" and "own it" because then it means you have to reflect on your life and maybe make change?

I still haven't found the meaning of life nor figured out what I wanna do

The meaning of life is what you make of it. Each chapter of life will have it's charms. The charms of childhood is different from teens is different from 20s, is different from 30s, 40, 50s and beyond.

If so far what you've been making of it is some travel, being married for a safety net, and moving countries, and master's? And that was ok enough THEN but not what you want NEXT?

Maybe it's ok to finish the master's and plan something else for your next decade, your next chapter.

I wasted a good part of my life running in circles.

Call it a learning experience. Sounds like you want to be done "running from" stuff -- the family and country of origin, fear that you wouldn't find someone else to love you, etc.

Maybe you are ready to "run to" stuff -- being on your own, dating who you want to when you want to, learning to stand on your own two feet, chasing your own happiness.

Maybe my biggest problem is not my marriage, is myself. Maybe I don't deserve happiness because it's me who single-handedly destroyed everything.

Maybe it is that THREE things are a problem.

1) You have a problem with yourself because the habit of picking "safety net" kind of choices from whatever fear or to please others or to run away from things. Then these choices (while "safe?") end up being boring, self limiting, or depressing. You don't feel proud of the choices. So it feels hard to hold yourself in high esteem for doing behavior like that.

Rather than picking "reasonable risk" things to encourage you to grow in the direction you want to go. Attempts which may or may not pan out... but at least you were taking a chance and gaining experiences and skills. And you might feel prouder of taking that chance. So you can hold yourself in better esteem because you are out there living life trying rather than just settling or giving up.

2) You have a problem with your marriage because you don't love your husband and don't really want to be married to him.

3) You struggle with "deserving happiness." Ok. So who taught you that some people deserve it and some just don't deserve it? Rather than people go create their own happiness when they feel like it? Maybe it's ok to change your mind on that belief too.

You could give yourself permission to NOT be responsible for the whole world. Your husband has a choice. Just like you have choices. You told him last year that you love him as a friend and not a husband. If he didn't want to believe it or listen? Or he stuck around from fear of changing to something new? That's his choice.

If you are not quite ready to start making changes, that's fine. Could own it. "I know that this is not what I want. I'm not quite ready to start making changes, but I know this is not what I want."

If you ARE ready to start making changes? Get on with taking the next baby step.

What feels like the destruction of a marriage might actually be you growing as a person and becoming healthier and not needing all this "safety net stuff" any more. For a seed to get to grow and become a flower or tree? Well, the seed casing has to be destroyed to let what is inside out! Snakes shed their old skins as they grow. Hermit crabs look for bigger shells as they grow and leave the old one behind.

Maybe you want to forgive yourself for not being well back then and making the best choice you could under those past circumstances.

Maybe you want to forgive yourself for getting better and needing NEW things now, so the "old shell" doesn't fit any more.

Maybe you decide it is ok to make new choices that better reflect who you are TODAY and what you know about yourself TODAY. You might not know EVERYTHING about the world, but you know this meh marriage is not for you.

So... you could reflect and then decide what you want to do next.

Maybe instead of spending time running away from things or running in circles in your life... it's finally ok to give yourself permission to run toward your happiness? At least make enough change so you are FACING the right direction this time, even if not ready to start running towards it full blast?

It's ok to be at the beginning of the steps. You sound like you are moving form "I can't do it" to "I want to do it." Here's a picture.

Adams' Apples Class News: Which Step Have You Reached Today? | Growth mindset quotes, Quotes for kids, Classroom quotes

Mar 16, 2017 - Adams' Apples Class News: Which Step Have You Reached Today?

www.pinterest.it

Something to think about maybe.

Galagirl

 

[Woopy]

Thank you so much Galagirl, for giving me some courage. I've been costumed to this life and I noticed how coward I've become. What an irony, I came here in the pursuit of freedom and happiness, but now I don't have either, and I even lost my courage. I choose to do my internship in a different city, so I can have space for myself to think and live by myself for 6 months, to see how it goes. I just called my husband to tell him that I don't want to be married anymore, he still believes that I'm in love him as he couldn't distinguish love someone and in love with someone. He also expressed concerns over my residential rights here, but agreed to divorce when we go back to the country where we got married, even though he thinks it's not necessary as it's just an administrative status, we never had any ceremony, we don't even have rings. It might take a while with the covid situation, but I think we're making some progress. Meanwhile, I'll focus on my plans for the future and try to figure out a way to approach the life I want.

 

[GalaGirl]

Well look at that! You are actually further along the staircase over at "I'll try to do it."

And you had a starter plan which takes some courage. Don't sell yourself short.

• You are going to work on your master's and do the next part of that by doing your internship in a different city. That way you can be on your own for 6 mos to see how it goes.
  
  
• You told husband you don't want to be married any more. You plan to get the divorce when you next visit the country where you both got married. You plan to look into how your residential rights might be affected by this decision.
  
  
• You will spend some time thinking out your next steps in your future plans and how you want to approach your next chapter.

So good for you and husband working things out for how to disband and detangle with some grace.

So hopefully after the divorce is final, you both do end up at "good exes and friends" if you both want that.

Galagirl