Don’t ask, don’t tell….?

I

IconistHolly

New member
Would you consider the practice of “don’t ask, don’t tell” a form of polyamory? I know there are so many styles of polyamory and people practice differently, however on the dating apps it seems there are married people who use this term to enter the polyamory community and they are not practicing ethically. I find many married people looking to cheat and they think a polyam person will help with that 😐 Too many times “DADT” = my wife doesn’t know I’m here 🤦🏼‍♀️
 
It seems that in general, most polyamorous people prefer more transparency than a DADT understanding would allow. People write here about how not knowing the status of their partner(s)' other relationships makes them feel insecure and reduces emotional intimacy. There is a line between the benefits openness and transparency and the discomfort and over-entanglement of TMI, though, of course.
 
I think it depends on the purpose of the policy. My wife sees someone who is married and has children. His marriage has love, but not intimacy. They have a DADT approach to their relationship. It's not swinging. They are allowed to have feelings, etc. They just don't talk to each other about it. My wife is OK with that arrangement, but this guy isn't a high level attachment for her. I'm not sure if that's the best phrase. But he lives in a nother city. They see each other a couple of times a year maybe, and text a bit too. He'd like her to come visit for a weekend (which she is considering), but it's a bit unclear how that will work. I guess she'll stay at a hotel and he'll be able to go do things with her? IDK...not really my business, to be honest. My point is that this arrangement isn't really about hiding; it's more about not being interested in what the other is doing.

OTOH, most DADT policies are more like free passes. Some even include qualifiers like "Only when you are out of town" or "no feelings allowed". These are not so good. Too often, DADT is associated with rules that are meant to protect the primacy of one relationship, which means anyone who joins either partner is already subject to a lot of restrictions. At the very least, it can limit activities (don't go places where I or anyone we know might see you!---that can effectively mean you can't go out and do anything). Personally, I would not date someone with the policy, though I can imagine exceptions for the sorts of cases my wife is dealing with. Even then, I would not allow myself to become too involved with such a person because it just seems too close to cheating for me. I really value the openness aspects of full poly.

ETA: And yes, it's also code in far too many cases for someone who isn't really ENM but is simply cheating.
 
Hi IconistHolly,

DADT exists in polyamory, and in many other relationship styles as well (both monogamous and nonmonogamous). I would not say it is a form/type of poly per se, it is just something that can exist within poly.

DADT tends to be shaky territory, it works for some people but in most cases we don't recommend it. DADT can be a tool to use for cheating, or otherwise practicing nonmonogamy that is not ethical, and not consensual. Although let's say a wife tells her husband, "Do what you want, just don't tell me about it," well then she has kind of given blanket consent. So DADT is generally a gray area.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
IconistHolly said:
Would you consider the practice of “don’t ask, don’t tell” a form of polyamory? I know there are so many styles of polyamory and people practice differently, however on the dating apps it seems there are married people who use this term to enter the polyamory community and they are not practicing ethically. I find many married people looking to cheat and they think a polyam person will help with that 😐 Too many times “DADT” = my wife doesn’t know I’m here 🤦🏼‍♀️
Click to expand...
I am also interested in the poly relationship. But I don't have the thought of stepping out of that. I would like to find quality partners don't want to same my purpose for poly is to be with another partner without cheating. I need somebody and they want sex I want a partners to know and all agree. Anyone in a poly relationship stepping out of that is cheating. What are your thoughts
 
IconistHolly said:
Would you consider the practice of “don’t ask, don’t tell” a form of polyamory? I know there are so many styles of polyamory and people practice differently, however on the dating apps it seems there are married people who use this term to enter the polyamory community and they are not practicing ethically. I find many married people looking to cheat and they think a polyam person will help with that 😐 Too many times “DADT” = my wife doesn’t know I’m here 🤦🏼‍♀️
Click to expand...
That’s called cheating
 
To me, DADT is only a tool that can be used to help establish/enforce personal boundaries. It’s not “part of” any particular thing or way of life. For example, I use it as a policy at work, when I know something is not necessarily wrong or unsafe, but it’s certainly against policy… I turn my head, stick my fingers in my ears and say I’ll be back later to inspect..

Within my poly experience, the use would be limited to details such as, I know where you are and who you are with, but I’d prefer not to know if you had chocolate or vanilla icecream on you adventure. So I won’t ask and I’d appreciate if you didn’t share those details.

DADT to me is about healthy communication rather then a lifestyle.
 
In my experience it means the husband doesn't know. That was two out of millions of people though, so I'm not going to say it's a universal red flag. Surely some people are happy that way, and figured out how to make it more wholesome than it sounds. Heck, some couples stay together forever barely talking to each other at all, so who knows?
 
SarahD said:
To me, DADT is only a tool that can be used to help establish/enforce personal boundaries. It’s not “part of” any particular thing or way of life. For example, I use it as a policy at work, when I know something is not necessarily wrong or unsafe, but it’s certainly against policy… I turn my head, stick my fingers in my ears and say I’ll be back later to inspect..

Within my poly experience, the use would be limited to details such as, I know where you are and who you are with, but I’d prefer not to know if you had chocolate or vanilla icecream on you adventure. So I won’t ask and I’d appreciate if you didn’t share those details.

DADT to me is about healthy communication rather then a lifestyle.
Click to expand...
From what I've seen, what you're talking about is, you don't want "too much information," TMI.

I've seen DADT situations where one partner is dating someone new, but their long term partner barely wants to acknowledge this. Say there is a man with a female partner, and he has a wife. The wife doesn't want to know, when her husband goes out, that he is indeed going out to see his gf. He'll just say he's going out, and per the wife's wishes, leave her in the dark as to whether he's seeing his gf, or other platonic friends, or just going to the gym alone, or whatever.

Or, conversely, a wife dating another woman may not want her husband to know anything about gf, barely tells her husband her gf's first name, won't say a word about the relationship or how it's going, and will only grudgingly admit that they were in the process of breaking up.

So, the partner who wants DADT is basically almost in denial that there's a third person involved at all.
 
Would you consider the practice of “don’t ask, don’t tell” a form of polyamory? I know there are so many styles of polyamory and people practice differently, however on the dating apps it seems there are married people who use this term to enter the polyamory community and they are not practicing ethically. I find many married people looking to cheat and they think a polyam person will help with that 😐 Too many times “DADT” = my wife doesn’t know I’m here 🤦🏼‍♀️
Click to expand...

Like that? To me it is either being used to cover up cheating. Or the spouse knows the other spouse sees other people but "doesn't want to know about it" like denial, doesn't want to accept or acknowledge this is happening, etc.

Neither way is healthy sounding relationship to me, and neither way is consenting polyamory to me. It's people being kept in the dark or people under duress.

If people are actually good with practicing polyamory and all parties consent and all that? And the "DADT" is more like "Glad you have another partner you like, but please don't go just whoosing your lalas at me or telling me TMI details. Obtain consent first" then that's just trying to practice relationship hygiene and having good personal boundaries.

Some things I want to know -- like calendar and changes in risk profile/safer sex practices.

Some things I don't mind knowing. Like you had a nice time on your date with your other partner and you think I might also like the new Italian restaurant.

Some things I'd rather skip. I'm not a kid in middle school. I don't need to gush or be gushed at. Like "OMG! And then what? You got to the restaurant and held hands?! OMG! And then what? The waiter brought the spaghetti dinner? And then what? He drove you home? OMG! And then what? You kissed?!"

Oversharing things at me from the sky turns me off.
 
When I met my last NP (who was monogamous but open minded) I was not dating anyone else but she knew I was polyam. Eventually I met a couple I was interested and when having the conversation with her she asked for a DADT dynamic. At first it was fine and I just wanted to respect her boundaries but very quickly it made me uncomfortable and made me feel like I was doing something wrong when I wasn’t. We tried to move to a just not “TMI” arrangement but ultimately I realized that for me I really need a level of openness with my partners where I can comfortably tell them anything and vice versa.

I’m not going to say DADT can’t work and serve anyone but it feels to me that those dynamics are a way to prevent having the sometimes difficult discussions with your partner that are an integral part of developing healthy poly/ENM relationships.
 
I think that's an important distinction. DADT vs. TMI. You can set up boundaries about what details you do or don't want, but the full "I don't want to know if you are seeing someone else" feels wrong for me. Maybe it works for some! But to ME, it would feel like cheating. I also want partners I can share important things with, and a relationship is an important thing to me. DADT seems to work for swingers, but I don't like hiding my emotions from my partners.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top