Don't know what to do...

Mcphooey

Mcphooey

New member
I'm new to the site and I'm honestly just seeking advice. I'm a married woman and I'm bi. I've always wanted a poly relationship. But I'm from a small town and I didn't even know it was a thing until college, and I've since married and had a child.

My husband is a vanilla as they come. Borderline asexual, really, but he's trying. I've brought up polyamory a few times in our 15-year marriage and every time he shuts me down immediately. Won't even listen. I love my husband very much and leaving him is not an option. I never want that. But I feel like I need more. Like something is missing. I can see the pressure and stress that eats him up trying to be everything for me. How do I move forward? How do I get him to listen?
 
With care... have you listened?

Poly under duress doesn't work. He has made it clear that he doesn't want poly. If you are unhappy with him being mono, do you think it's okay to force him to be unhappy with you being poly?

If you cannot be the mono wife that he wants, then you need to divorce so you both can heal a relationship that no longer works for you and create ones that make you both happy.

It may sound harsh, but I support healthy, happy relationships and very much oppose manipulation, coercion, or even blackmail, to design relationships to your desire.

You had an agreement with your husband. You want to change it; he doesn't. You can either keep your agreement or leave. He is under no obligation to design something new with you.

Just so you understand, you will be ending the current relationship with him, regardless. Poly isn't just something you add to something existing. You have to deconstruct the current relationship and end it in order to create a brand-new relationship with completely different dynamics, rules and a ton of personal and relational work. It's a lot, and EVERYONE involved has to want to build it and do the required work.
 
For all intents and purposes, we have a happy healthy relationship. He works and I'm a stay-at-home mom. He is aware of my sexual orientation and my large number of kinks, desires and preferences, etc. That just isn't his thing. He rarely even thinks of sex.

There is no way we would ever divorce. We love each other very much. I know that if he would give me a chance to talk to him about it, he would be more open. He just sits me down at the first mention.

He doesn't know anything at all about polyamory. I know he immediately sees a threat. I'm not looking for something strictly sexual. I want love and companionship for us both. I want someone to love him as much as I do, and to love me and let me love them. I just don't know how to get through to him.

I'm not trying to force him into anything, and the subject has only been brought up a few times in our marriage. A lot of it has to do with past trauma, etc. But he really doesn't even like to talk about sex. I'm wondering if I just find someone he might be interested in, and bring them around, maybe if they click, bring it up again? I don't know.

Just to be clear, I will never cheat, so I don't mean anything like that.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

You can't MAKE him do polyamory, or whatever else, but neither do you have to do monogamy if you have outgrown it. I see you don't want a divorce, so let's set that aside for now.

Have you asked him to go to couple's counseling? This whole "shutting you down" style of communication is not great for the marriage.

It's fine if he's asexual, but that doesn't mean you have to be. You may still very much want sex and weren't ready to hang up your hat on that.

It may come to a time where you might have to do individual counseling so you become more okay thinking about a divorce and changing to a healthy, divorced coparenting family. You can still love each other in that relationship shape, but that shape frees both of you. He still doesn't have to do any poly things. You get to move on and pursue poly.

Maybe you want to read:

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

One thing at a time. Don't jump the gun. And definitely do not suggest both of you dating the same person or trying to "sell" him on poly.

Ask if he's willing to see a couple's counselor to improve how you talk together. This shutting you down thing doesn't add to "close and connected." It takes away from "close and connected."

I don't know that him becoming more willing to talk about your sex needs, your thoughts, your feelings, your fantasies would be enough for you. Like, you don't have to go around all bottled up any more, and you two could share a fantasy life together that honors both his asexuality and your allosexuality.

You can't put him through poly under duress. But if he's defensive and stonewalling... what is he putting you through? Is it loving behavior to shut you down like that?

Please consider a counselor to help you. You two have tried to talk by yourselves to no avail. It's okay to get help.

Galagirl
 
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We are seeking counseling. I've done many years of therapy for myself and he finally agreed to therapy recently that seems to be helping. He decided to do individual instead of couples because he wants to work on himself first.

Keep in mind we have come a looooong way. Our sex life has been our only issue. He's aware after many many conversations that this is a huge issue. He agrees that it's not working, but he's trying. He really is a good sport.

We do have sex, but it's very minimal. This is something we have struggled with from the beginning. I love him and will stay either way. I am fully willing to stay monogamous and take all that that entails. But I really really want to try. I wish we could talk 1 on 1 so I could explain better.
 
It's encouraging that he's willing to do individual therapy first. Hopefully, once he's ready, you two can move on to couple's counseling next.

GG
 
Hello Mcphooey,

Tell your husband that you need him to listen when you talk about polyamory, and that you need him to stop shutting you down. Since divorce is not an option, you will be in quite a predicament if he won't even let you say that. It sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other in every way, except for this one little thing. Only poly isn't so little. It's a part of who you are.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Mcphooey,

Tell your husband that you need him to listen when you talk about polyamory, and that you need him to stop shutting you down. Since divorce is not an option, you will be in quite a predicament if he won't even let you say that. It sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other in every way, except for this one little thing. Only poly isn't so little. It's a part of who you are.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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Thanks Kevin. It's really not a divorce and be happy situation. He's everything to me.

We did do some playing around when we were dating, mostly at parties, and mostly me, but he was okay. From all accounts, he even enjoyed himself. He's a very logical person. His brain is basically a computer and I'm neuro-spicy and hypersexual.

I know poly isn't little. It's very big. I know it's not an instant fix to my problems either. I'm willing to start small. He's just so bullheaded and freaked out to talk about anything. I just don't know how to break through to him. I know he has the potential to thrive, as does our relationship, within the poly lifestyle.

Are there movies or TV shows I can subtly introduce him to? He won't read my books. What other ways can I slowly educate him and open his mind. if directly talking won't work?
 
Mcphooey said:
Thanks Kevin. It's really not a divorce and be happy situation. He's everything to me. We did do some playing around when we were dating, mostly at parties and mostly me but he was ok. From all accounts even enjoyed himself. He's a very logical person. His brain is basically a computer and I'm neuro-spicy and hypersexual. I know poly isn't little. It's very big. I know it's not an instant fix to my problems either. I'm willing to start small. He's just so bull headed and freaked out to talk about anything. I just don't know how to break through to him. I know he has the potential to thrive, as does our relationship, within the poly lifestyle. Are there movies or TV shows I can subtly introduce him to? He won't read my books. What other ways can I slowly educate him and open his mind if directly talking won't work?
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I agree that therapy, both solo and then couple's, is needed. Something in him taught him to shut down, don't open up. It's even possible there's a lot of shame around sex... not only doing it, but talking about it. Religion is usually a big factor in this. That also may or may not be playing a factor in being asexual.

Poly can be a good solution for unmatched sexual desires, but both people have to want it. Right now, he can't even have a discussion about it. I'm sorry you struggle.

The best you can do right now is therapy. Find a good poly therapist, at a minimum, one that can deal with religious trauma, if that's a possibility. The last thing he needs is another Christian continuing the shame. Sad, but it happens. Christian therapists push their beliefs on clients all the time.

I'm not sure adding movies or shows to subtly introduce him is the right move, especially if you've brought it up and he so forcefully says no. He may see what you are trying to do and resent you for pushing it on him.
 
Welcome, I'm new here too, but not to poly. Your husband sounds a bit like my first husband. I am not bi, but I am poly. I think counseling is really the way to go here. Maybe counseling for you first, to learn how to communicate what you need to.
He is probably thinking his world, which is very set and has been on a certain path, is about to crumble. I get it.
You are certainly in a tough spot, and so is he. He needs reassurances that your life with him won't change-- if that's even possible.
I am divorced. Many reasons, but my sexual needs were one of them. The sexual needs were an expression of other emotional needs not being met, even though my ex is a nice guy for the most part. We just grew in different directions. We did couples counseling and we were encouraged to have sex more, and given some fun exercises, etc. But . . it didn't really work.
We divorced. I was able to find partners. I married one of them and then divorced. It's been a series of fun love and heartbreak for me.
He has never dated again. After some bitter times we are now friends, and our kids are grown.
I have no regrets about the divorce. I could not have lived that life where I felt boxed in. But, some choose to not explore their sex needs with others in favor of the marriage. It's all about choice.
I do wish we didn't have no-win situations.
 
Bobbi said:
I agree that therapy both solo and then couples is needed. Something in him taught him to shut down, don't open up. It's even possible there's a lot of shame around sex...not only doing it but talking about it. Religion is usually a big factor in this.

That also may or may not be playing a factor in being asexual.

Poly can be a good solution for unmatched sexual desires, but both people have to want it. Right now he can't even have a discussion about it. I'm sorry you struggle.

The best you can do is therapy right now....find a good poly therapist... At a minimum one that can deal with religious trauma if that's a possibility. The last thing he needs is another Christian continuing the shame. Sad, but it happens. Christian therapists push their beliefs on clients all the time.

I'm not sure adding movies or shows to subtly introduce him is the right move, especially if you've brought it up and he so forcefully says no. He may see what you are trying to do and resent you for pushing it on him.
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Yes, his past trauma is why he shuts down, and we both have issues related to the church. (Is kind of wild that you picked up on that.) I've been in therapy for years and he's just started.

The thing is, he knows it's not normal, and that it's an issue. He wants to be different and has truly made good progress so far.

We communicate and work so well on every other level.

You're right-- there's a lot of shame around sex for him. I want him to be happy. I'm not sure if there are poly therapists around us, but I'd be very interested in seeing one. He's not ready for couple's therapy yet.

Thank you for your input. It's truly awesome to be able to speak to like-minded people
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
Welcome, I'm new here too, but not to poly. Your husband sounds a bit like my first husband. I am not bi, but I am poly. I think counseling is really the way to go here. Maybe counseling for you first, to learn how to communicate what you need to.
He is probably thinking his world, which is very set and has been on a certain path, is about to crumble. I get it.
You are certainly in a tough spot, and so is he. He needs reassurances that your life with him won't change-- if that's even possible.
I am divorced. Many reasons, but my sexual needs were one of them. The sexual needs were an expression of other emotional needs not being met, even though my ex is a nice guy for the most part. We just grew in different directions. We did couples counseling and we were encouraged to have sex more, and given some fun exercises, etc. But . . it didn't really work.
We divorced. I was able to find partners. I married one of them and then divorced. It's been a series of fun love and heartbreak for me.
He has never dated again. After some bitter times we are now friends, and our kids are grown.
I have no regrets about the divorce. I could not have lived that life where I felt boxed in. But, some choose to not explore their sex needs with others in favor of the marriage. It's all about choice.
I do wish we didn't have no-win situations.
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Thanks, Birdie. He is currently in therapy, which was a huge step for him. I've done years and have no issues communicating anymore. I did before therapy. He is a bottle it up kind of guy and has a lot of things to uncork and work through. I gave him the option of couple's or individual, and he chose individual.

He said he knows that he's messed up and wants to get himself straight before we move on. I'm more than okay with that. I'm a very patient person. I just need help figuring out how to broach the subject without getting shut down immediately. Baby steps are best with him. He's a thinker. He has to process it in tiny bits. He literally will do this for every decision ever. Is there a different way to say it? A more subtle way? I just don't know.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Its perfectly normal to be momogamous. He doesnt want to be poly. You dont want to split up. You agreed to a mono marriage. Just leave him alone about it. You chose this guy and dont want to leave him so stop trying to change him
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I'm not trying to change him. I'm fine with being in a mono relationship with him. But I would like more. I literally haven't even mentioned poly to him in years. But also, don't think I'm just suddenly wanting to be poly. He knew when we started dating that I was bi and poly. I don't think he's immediately shutting down poly just because it's poly. This is pretty much alllll sexual talk. I have a very hard time getting him to open up about any of it.
 
GalaGirl said:
That's encouraging that he's willing to do individual therapy first. Hopefully once he's ready, you two can move on to couple counseling next.

GG
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That's the plan. But like I told some other people, I haven't even brought it up in years. He's so hard to talk to about anything sexual. I was looking for ways to broach the subject more subtly, not just go, "Hey, I want other people to join us," ya know?
 
Mcphooey said:
I'm not trying to change him. I'm fine with being in a mono relationship with him. But I would like more. I literally haven't even mentioned poly to him in years. But also, don't think I'm just suddenly wanting to be poly. He knew when we started dating that I was bi and poly. I don't think he's immediately shutting down poly just because it's poly. This is pretty much alllll sexual talk. I have a very hard time getting him to open up about any of it.
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You knew you were bi and poly in college, yet married a vanilla asexual. He has consistently shut down any talk of poly. You still married and stayed with him. If you're fine being mono with the guy you married in a mono marriage, then stop bringing up this thing he has repeatedly said no to.

I think you might be more "messed up" and need therapy to learn that no means no. Nobody owes you a polyamorous relationship. You should have married a poly partner.
 
Can't help who you fall in love with. He was a virgin when we met. And yes, we both knew this was an issue before being married and chose to marry anyway.

I'm not trying to force anything on him. I don't think anyone owes me anything, except maybe a little respect.

That being said, if you're not going to be helpful and just degrade me for seeking advice on an app specifically designed for this purpose, please refrain from responding. I'm just trying to get input, dude.
 
Mcphooey said:
Can't help who you fall in love with. He was a virgin when we met. And yes, we both knew this was an issue before being married, and chose to marry anyway. I'm not trying to force anything on him. I don't think anyone owes me anything, except maybe a little respect. That being said, if you're not going to be helpful and just degrade me for seeking advice on an app specifically designed for this purpose, please refrain from responding. I'm just trying to get input, dude.
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Yes, and some of that input is that it would be abusive to try and keep pressuring a mono, vanilla, asexual to be poly with you. The right thing to do is forget about polyamory and commit to your marriage, or divorce your husband and find a compatible poly partner.
 
THERE IS NO PRESSURE. All I want is a conversation and ideas on how to approach this. Have you never had to talk to someone about being poly that had no clue what it meant? Or had preconceived ideas about it? Or has taken 15 years to get to the point where he might be receptive to conversations like this soon? I want to be prepared.
 
Mcphooey said:
THERE IS NO PRESSURE. All I want is a conversation and ideas on how to approach this. Have you never had to talk to someone about being poly that had no clue what it meant? Or had preconceived ideas about it? Or has taken 15 years to get to the point where he might be receptive to conversations like this soon? I want to be prepared.
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But this isn't the first time you are raising it. You said he knew you were poly. You said you raised it a few times over 15 years, and he has said no. That's different than someone raising it for the first time.
 
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