Don't Like Any of My Partner's Lovers At All!

[Jyuki]

Lately I dislike all of my primary partner's lovers. Either their personalities really annoy me or I find them really unattractive (or both!). I'm actually really bothered when he goes out with them or has sex with them (especially in our apartment, which is kind of small). Last night he had sex with this woman, and I was in the other room, and whenever I heard anything, it was like that gross feeling when you're a kid and you hear your parents having sex (well, the woman was old enough to be my mom). We've been together 7 years and been poly the whole time, and even though he has different taste in women than me and and I've never really clicked with his other lovers, it has never been this bad. I wouldn't say I'm jealous in the conventional sense of the word, but it does make me feel bad that he's spending time and having sex with these very unappealing women in a way that feels similar to jealously. Our mutual friends have all agreed with me about how they feel about his lovers - they usually say something before I do, because I don't want to be too harsh. I've let him know that either I don't think they're attractive or I find them annoying, but I'm not sure if I've really let him known the extent to which I don't like them because I don't want him to feel bad and I don't want to seem too judgmental. I'm not really sure what to ask advice on in particular... I guess just how do I deal with really not liking your primary partners' lovers? Has anyone had similar experiences? I don't want to limit him, but I feel bad when he goes out with them and uncomfortable when he brings them home.

I'm new hear, thanks!

 

[Inyourendo]

How about 1. You dont meet them 2. He doesn't bring people into your personnel space.

My husband doesn't bring his lovers around me or our home. The couple times he absolutely had to bring someone over it was only during a time I wouldn't be there which quite honestly I still didn't like. Th women my husband screws are also very unattractive for the most part so I understand about that. My boyfriend is thoroughly grossed out by the people my husband screws he's asked not to hear about it because he almost feels like by proxy he's sleeping with them too. It doesn't bother me because as a woman I understand the need to d eel desired so I think it's sweet that he can provide a service to these women. They get to have sex with a sweet goood looking. And quite honestly it's kind of shitty to judge someone's worth by the way they look. My husband obviously had found some redeeming qualities about these women.

 

[MightyMax]

You do realize that your metamours aren't there to be sexually pleasing to you? They are there to have fulfilling intimate relationships with your husband. If you don't want them in your space, negotiate that, but the way you seem to suggest you're entitled to be sexually pleasing to you is actually quite sickening.

 

[sparklepop]

Only look at your discomforts and what you can do to change them. There is absolutely no need to tell your partner that you think his other lovers are unattractive. Have you delved inside yourself and asked yourself why you feel the need to do this? I ask this on a genuine level. Do you feel better about yourself in some way when you do this?

Do you ever have a tendency to think that your partner should do things the way you do them? I'm not just talking in the poly sense, but in the broader sense. Sometimes we can see partners as an extension of ourselves, which actually reflects possession issues and/or boundary issues. It's something you may want to think about.

In any case, I'll outline your feelings as I understand them, along with examples of how you could deal with these.

I'm actually really bothered when he goes out with them

If imagining your partner with them makes you queasy, you could ask not to meet any of his future partners, because you don't need the visual.

Last night he had sex with this woman, and I was in the other room, and whenever I heard anything, it was like that gross feeling when you're a kid and you hear your parents having sex (well, the woman was old enough to be my mom).

You could suggest that he gets hotels or goes to his lovers' houses from now on. If this isn't possible, you could make your own arrangements to be out of the house when he's there with someone.

I guess just how do I deal with really not liking your primary partners' lovers?

You simply accept that you and your partner are two separate entities with separate tastes. Maybe you like olives and he hates them. Maybe you love to watch Mad Men and he can't stand it. Unique, personal tastes are the very thing that makes people who they are. Accept your partner for his.

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Yes, I've disliked my metamours, and yes, I've found some of them unattractive. When I don't like a metamour, I try not to be around them. When I think they are physically unattractive, I keep that to myself because voicing it is plain rude and likely to hurt both my metamour and my partner. I don't speak about others in ways that I would hate to be spoken about.

I don't want to limit him, but I feel bad when he goes out with them and uncomfortable when he brings them home.

It is not your place to limit him, so simply don't. Set your own boundaries if you are uncomfortable.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

If this is jealousy -- could this help -- esp page 5 & 6?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

You don't sound jealous though. You sound grossed out. I can't think of a delicate way to ask this, so apologize in advance.

Is the reason you dislike these people so much because your respect for your partner's choices takes a ding? You would like to continue to hold him in high regard, but can't when he's choosing partners like this? Especially since your BF and friends also seem to think he's choosing icky people to keep company with and it isn't just you?

What is it that makes them unappealing to you? Rough or boorish manners? Poor character? You worry about them stealing something if they come to your house because they seem shady? Something else? And him choosing to hang with people like this turns you off? Then it is simply a turn off. And figuring out if you can live with it or not. NOT jealousy.

We used to be friends with a poly woman a long time ago. We went on a double date. It was weird because the guy spent most of his time trying to get into her pants, and she kept using us for a "shield" while simultaneously egging him on. We didn't sign up for that and took off as soon as possible -- leaving them to their weird. They dated a while, and broke up later with drama. She cited a mean streak, being shallow, being vain as reasons. Stuff we and other friends saw all along. Thing is, she dated more people like that. More drama and drama break ups. Just attracted to walking messes. We do not know why. Some people just seem to enjoy chaos manufacture.

I wanted to like her, but I couldn't when she was picking bad company to run around with. I couldn't hold that behavior in high regard. My respect for her judgement went down. Because it wasn't like a mistake in judgement. It was intentionally choosing to hang with a lot of screwy people. I don't have to like her partners, but I don't have to hang around them either waiting for new drama to hit. I like being drama free.

We don't hang any more and certainly no double dates. Friendly when we run into each other at events but no special pains to hang out. That's me as a casual friend though. I can only imagine what it is like when it is your partner.

You could ask him what he finds attractive to try to reach understanding if that helps you make peace with it. But if he's choosing bad company it just is what it is. He chooses to keep bad company. You accept this is how he rolls.

Then you have to decide how close in proximity you want that to you.

You could try minimizing your exposure. Ask that he not bring them to the shared home for instance. See if that helps you feel better.

But if that doesn't work, you may have to consider eliminating your exposure. You could ask him to keep better company. Knowing that he doesn't have to meet your request just because you asked. He could choose otherwise.

If there are no changes and you continue to dislike it? Since you cannot control his preferences, his behavior or who he wants to hang out with? You may have to bow out so you can be free of it.

I can't think of anything else.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

They're his lovers, not yours, so what you think about them is irrelevant.

 

[Emmy37]

The only thing I would suggest is to ask that you not have contact with them but as far as picking them for your partner, you really can't. Neither can his friends.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

My partners have the right to like whomever they like.

I have the right to not to associate with people that I don't like.

Which includes limiting the amount of time that people I don't like are welcome in my house (my safe haven, my cave).

The girl that Dude dated, briefly, before Lotus was - not my cup of tea. We hung out with her on a few occasions - the four of us went to dinner once, she met us for drinks with another friend and his new girl, she visited one evening, she and MrS went out to a show that they both would enjoy and Dude wasn't available and I wouldn't like the show.

But she was not my cup of tea - as either a friend or whatever. And I don't generally want to be around people that aren't my cup of tea. We had next to nothing in common. I can be civil and "social acquaintance friendly" for only a very limited amount of time (as an introvert being around people outside of my "inner circle" exhausts me). I'm sure she is a wonderful person - there are lots of wonderful people, I don't need to be friends with all of them.

He was welcome to spend as much time with her as he wanted - as long as it was not at my house. Yes, that would limit the time that he would spend with me - I'm OK with that. Because she was sexually unappealing to me I did NOT want any details of their intimacy other than, if applicable, safer sex agreements had been honored. Frankly the thought of them together was a turn-off.

Now, Lotus, on the other hand, is something really special. We all like her immensely. She is welcome in our home, bed, lives - whenever she wants. We are all at home at her house as well and get along with her husband and friends. I don't need to know intimate details of their time together either, but I am less touchy about it.

I know I am more a "family style" type poly (after all, I live with my husband and my boyfriend) - but that doesn't mean that I can auto-magically adopt just anyone into my "chosen family".

 

[LovingRadiance]

Thus far I have only liked one of the women Maca's chosen.
My choice has been to not be around the others.
They aren't the type of people I would generally associate myself with anyway.
He tends to go for bar-hoppers & I am anything but.

So I just don't spend time around them.

I agree with others; he has a right to be attracted to whomever he's attracted to-you have a right to not engage in activities of any sort with whomever you don't want to.