Don’t want anyone to get hurt

R

ReinaDeLosTigres

New member
So recently I had an old flame from college reach out to me via social media. I was excited to hear from him as I liked him a lot and have thought about him since then. The conversation started out platonic and that was cool but then it became apparent he wanted something more. However, he told me he’s married and when I asked about his situation he said they have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell arrangement“ and he has a girlfriend. I encouraged him to talk about it and be more open with his wife. He was like “remember we have an agreement not to talk about it”

I feel like there are red flags flying all around with this guy but we have always connected so well. Side note: A few years after college we reconnected and had dinner as friends. It’s tough for me because in my experience nobody really has a “don’t ask don’t tell thing” it is just what they say so they can cheat on their partner without the partner knowing and them feeling bad about it.

I don’t know what I’m really asking but how would you handle a situation like this? If it was someone that I didn’t know that approached me and told me this I would tell them to get lost but I really am torn.
 
Hello ReinaDeLosTigres,

Probably the #1 disadvantage to having a don't-ask-don't-tell arrangement is, that there's no way to confirm that with the spouse. I guess you are just going to have to decide how much you trust this guy. Would he lie about a DADT arrangement? I guess it's maybe a hopeful sign that he admitted to you that he already had a girlfriend. Now it's your turn to decide whether you want to be in a DADT situation. If you do, you will not be able to contact his wife. It really comes down to how much you trust him, I know you said he was an old college flame, and that you have thought about him since then, so, maybe that says something about whether you trust him? I guess you could start dating him but do so warily. Ultimately it's up to you. Hopefully this post gives you some food for thought.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I don’t know what I’m really asking but how would you handle a situation like this? If it was someone that I didn’t know that approached me and told me this I would tell them to get lost but I really am torn.
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Well... do you expect MORE from the people you know than you expect from strangers? If you would tell a stranger to get lost because you notice red flags and you don't like the DADT thing?

Could tell this guy the same thing.

Could say "That's nice. Let me know if it changes from DADT. I don't do DADT things. I prefer all parties know what's going on. Nice hearing from you."

And let it go since you don't want anyone to get hurt. Then YOU don't get hurt. And you leave the well being of the other people to the other people.

I mean, you were living your life already without this guy in it. So no big if you carry on your life without him, right?

At least, that's what I would tell myself and do in that situation. Some ex coming around here kinda putting feelers out? Not interested. They are an ex for a reason, and if it seems red flags? I'm really feeling my midlife. I have no patience/room for drama.

Galagirl
 
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ReinaDeLosTigres said:
So recently I had an old flame from college reach out to me via social media. I was excited to hear from him as I liked him a lot and have thought about him since then. The conversation started out platonic and that was cool but then it became apparent he wanted something more. However, he told me he’s married and when I asked about his situation he said they have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell arrangement“ and he has a girlfriend. I encouraged him to talk about it and be more open with his wife. He was like “remember we have an agreement not to talk about it”

I feel like there are red flags flying all around with this guy but we have always connected so well. Side note: A few years after college we reconnected and had dinner as friends. It’s tough for me because in my experience nobody really has a “don’t ask don’t tell thing” it is just what they say so they can cheat on their partner without the partner knowing and them feeling bad about it.

I don’t know what I’m really asking but how would you handle a situation like this? If it was someone that I didn’t know that approached me and told me this I would tell them to get lost but I really am torn.
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Suppose you had reliable confirmation that his wife knows as much as she wants to know and this is an ethical arrangement, what then? Is that arrangement compatible with what you want?

I used to have a kinky relationship with someone where I was their Domme and we engaged in some impact play and other intimate activities alongside a friendship. They had a DADT with their spouse to allow them to meet their kink needs without infringing on the traditional set up of their family. It was a nice relationship but the DADT limited how we attached we could become to one another. They could never really be a partner when sticking to the DADT meant a level of discretion that doesn't gel with how I grow with a person.

That wasn't an obstacle in that relationship but later down the line, it did become an obstacle with other people with DADTs who expected full partnership where I could not provide it under those conditions.
 
ReinaDeLosTigres said:
It’s tough for me because in my experience nobody really has a “don’t ask don’t tell thing” it is just what they say so they can cheat on their partner without the partner knowing and them feeling bad about it.
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I don't know if it's tough on you because of the DADT policy (which definitely can work for some people) or because you don't want to be sharing in the first place. What if indeed they do have a working DADT agreement? Would you be super cool with having a romantic sexual relationship with your old BF? Would you be super cool with getting closer with him again, knowing that he is married? Is a polyamorous relationship what you want?

Don't focus on whether he is trustworthy, focus right now on what you want. Is this kinda-sorta relationship what you want? Is DADT with a married man what you want? People dance in and out of the truth when we, ourselves, are not on stable and solid ground about what is important to us. Get clear and proud about what you want in a relationship and you'll attract solid people with whom you don't have to decipher anything, it will be obvious.
 
What about the girlfriend?
Is she also DADT or would she want to know if he has another hook up or relationship. He's only said that the DADT is between him and his wife.
 
I would call this a yellow flag. DADT is an actual thing, but it could also be a cover for cheating.

When I first met my wife she was in a DADT with her then husband. I was fine with that because I knew who he was and had seen him around so I knew she wasn't cheating. When she and I became nesting partners we were mono for a bit. When we decided to open our marriage she wanted DADT and I said no....for this very reason. It's way too suspicious and I imagined being turned down by every woman I tried to date...lol

You are the only one who knows this guy and knows whether or not he is trustworthy enough to believe. Go with your gut.
 
I feel like there are red flags flying all around with this guy but we have always connected so well
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If it was someone that I didn’t know that approached me and told me this I would tell them to get lost
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ReinaDeLosTigres' gut sees red flags. To me that means "skip it."

Reina -- ultimately it is up to you what you want to do.

Galagirl
 
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