double standard? what should I do?

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shypolysnark

New member
So my wife and I opened our relationship about two years ago now. We have had some hardtimes learning and some really fun times together. My wife now has a boyfriend who she has a deep connection with, and he is super cool and nice. I am happy for her but felt a longing for that kind of new exciting connection. Recently I have developed feelings for my wife and I's good friend. We have a strong connection and after talking about it my friend and I agreed the feelings where mutual
I really haven't explored intimacy and sexual romance yet in poly, just some sexy encounters that werent all that romantic. Now I feel that spark, but after I told my wife she forbid me from getting sexual. What should I do/ what do you all think? I feel like im not being aloud to express my feelings and explore things on my own. I will ultimately respect my wife's wishes because she is my primary, but I am not sure that she has good reasons to forbid me fin this way.
 
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Be patient, especially if this has just happened. Revisit the topic every so often with her, letting her know how you feel. She might change her mind once she's had a chance to get accustomed to the idea.

Do you know her reasons for forbiding you seeing this person?
 
Double standards stink and she has no right. Most will come down hard on her from this forum. Whatever freedoms she enjoys with her boy friend should be your freedom.
 
more info

My wife explained to me that she feels like our friend does not talk to her about her feelings, especially for me. She also says that she feels strange about it because of the close connection we share, and how long we have known each other. But these are reasons why I like her in the first place. My friend and I had made plans to go to a cabin this weekend and just chill and talk. I think my wife is afraid of us being alone together, especially since we both started having feelings for on another.
 
Wife is saying no because friend does not tell wife about her feelings for you? Has wife asked friend about it? :confused:
Feeling strange about it how?

So far these are not reasons. What are your original agreements about being Open? That you both date who you please? Are you breaking any agreements in pursuing this particular friend?

Galagirl
 
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Thats exactly what I told her. I'm also very confused. I asked her to talk to our friend but she doesnt seem willing to do so. I think its awkward for her. Our agreements about being open are that we can date who we please, but must communicate our intentions to one another. We talk alot about our interactions with other people and our candid about our experiences. At the same time we can say no to a partners choice of lovers with good reason, like say they have a drug problem or have abusive tendencies, that was the intention. I have never said no to her yet , I guess I just thought she wouldnt say no to someone I liked.
 
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So she doesn't have a problem with you having a deeper relationship with someone else, just not her friend. That makes sense to me, I don't think I'd like pur friend to get involved either. That's a sure fire way to lose a good friend.
 
So far you have not broken any agreements then.

Is this friend on her messy people list? Have you asked her if that is it?

For instance, on mine I would not want my spouse to date my mother, my sister, my boss, teachers of the kids, etc. Some are permanent. (Mother, sister) while some could change in time (no longer my boss, no longer teaching our kids). There are enough people in the world without going for those. Dating those people can cause a skewed dynamic.

For example... I would not want him to date my boss. If he and my boss get in a fight, and boss takes it out on me at work passive aggressively or fires me? That's is really awkward and messy! Also something that could be avoided by not going there in the first place. Losing income is not something I can afford.

Is that what she struggles to articulate? And it wasn't until you brought it up that she realized this person is a messy person for her? If so, it is a shame. It is also opportunity for you and wife to get clearer on the messy people so you can move on to date. "Druggies and abusers" may not be the only messies you want to identify up front. Then you are not repeating this situation in future. You go eyes open.

Alternately you could tell her you intend to pursue and you are not breaking any agreements in doing so. The friend is not a druggie or abusive, right? Wife is not asking you to consider slowing down or not go there with any reasons you can consider. This uncommunicative stance is not helpful and helps create resentments.

You have to weigh it out for yourself how you want to go.

Galagirl
 
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To me, I think it's fair that she asks you to proceed with caution, and go slowly - even though she has a pretty deep relationship of her own, there will still be insecurities and worries for you both to deal with in you moving toward having a more emotional connection with another, regardless of the fact that your love interest is friends with you both. She might even want to ask the pair of you to consider what happens, in the worst case scenario, if this weren't to work out between the pair of you. What is your exit strategy? How can (at the very least) her friendship with this woman be maintained even if you two are no longer on speaking terms? These seem like sensible worries and concerns to have. However, I don't think she has the right to expect you to not pursue this. Pursue this slowly, pursue this thoughtfully, with care, and compassion, but not to not go there at all. Of course, she has the right to ASK, but you also have the right to say 'no - this does not seem fair of you to ask given our history and our positive track record of making adjustments'.

In your shoes, I would stand up for myself (gently and with compassion). As GalaGirl has already said, so far she hasn't given you any real reasons. Perhaps when you both dig into this enough, you will uncover what those reasons are for her, and maybe then you will have a better view of the situation and be able to decide if those reasons are things that you can work on resolving together or not. But until you understand why she is asking for this, then yes, it's a double standard, and that's not exactly loving behaviour.
 
I am really happy that I decided to post on here for advice, as often I don't feel I have anyone to talk to who is in a similar relationship. I think that we will have to discuss who messy people are further, you are right about that. At the same time I have also been shying away from having experiences due to what I perceive as my wife's mixed feelings, and I think those feelings are stemming from jealousy mostly. I think that this is something that I desire to explore and am going to communicate that with her. After all when I had initial reservations about her boyfriend she stood up to me and called me out for being insecure, which was totally true. That actually helped me to grow a lot, so maybe this is something that she also has to face.
 
There's "forbids" as in "I'm the boss of you and you're not allowed," and there's "forbids" as in "You can do what you want, but this has so much shit-hitting-the-fan potential that the fallout will be completely and utterly not worth it. Choose wisely."

There was a time, my husband wanted to fuck my best friend. It just seemed like a bad idea to me, although we hadn't made any agreements about vetoes or messy lists at the time. They both believed they'd be able to have a sexual relationship without any feelings that could "go sideways" and affect our friendship. I'm not capable of detaching my sex from my emotions, so I couldn't get my head around it, and said as much.

He would tell you that I said he "wasn't allowed" though I never saw it that way. I just expressed, honestly, that I would probably be really upset if it happened.

Ultimately I decided I could deal with it if this was something they both really wanted, and if they were sure it wouldn't interfere with our friendship in any way... and ultimately he decided the risks outweighed the benefits. And her sister told her she was crazy for even considering sleeping with her best friend's husband, so that was the end of that.

In your case, this isn't "just sex." You'd like to pursue a sexual and romantic relationship. The vast majority of romances don't work out, and then what happens to your friendship? What position does that put your wife in? Will she still feel comfortable being friends with someone, if the relationship goes so sour that you hate the friend? Are you prepared to lose her as a friend, and for your wife to lose her as a friend, in the event that it doesn't work out?

I'm guessing this is less about "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and more about the messy list, as Gala pointed out. That being said, a romantic relationship is as risky as a sexual one, however some people don't recognize sexless love as legitimate, and thus aren't so threatened by it. I would point out to your wife that supporting romance without sex doesn't really protect anyone from anything.
 
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At the same time I have also been shying away from having experiences due to what I perceive as my wife's mixed feelings, and I think those feelings are stemming from jealousy mostly.
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Then you are not exploring experiences you would like, and not giving her opportunity for growth. Growth happens just outside the comfort zone. If you both agree to Open and that both can date, you not getting on with it means her never getting over whatever she needs to get over because it never comes up to BE gotten over. YKWIM?

After all when I had initial reservations about her boyfriend she stood up to me and called me out for being insecure, which was totally true. That actually helped me to grow a lot, so maybe this is something that she also has to face.
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Yup.

You don't have to be unkind about it, but don't shy away from having the conversations that need to be had here.

Galagirl
 
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shypolysnark said:
At the same time we can say no to a partners choice of lovers with good reason, like say they have a drug problem or have abusive tendencies, that was the intention.
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I'm wondering why you would need to even have this agreement. Wouldn't each of you already steer clear of addiction-riddled and abusive relationships? Or is the fear that the other wouldn't be able to see what the spouse can see? I'm not sure what the purpose of a veto for "good reason" would be if both people are capable of good reasoning already. (Actually, I don't see the purpose of veto at all, really.) As others are pointing out, all these efforts of controlling love are not really achieving their intended purpose.
 
I think the fact that she's a friend is a bs excuse. If the relationship sours the friendship doesn't. Unless of course your wife or the friend treat each other shitty from jealousy. You said that your wife's boyfriend is a great guy and you're becoming friends. So if they breakup you may lose a friend in him. If everybody is kind to each other and fair there is no need for any friendship to end.
 
Hi shypolysnark,

Re (from OP):
"I will ultimately respect my wife's wishes because she is my primary, but I am not sure that she has good reasons to forbid me in this way."
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You realize, you're basically saying your wife's primariness takes precedence over doing the right thing, unless I misunderstood? I'm just sayin' ...

I guess I'm with graviton on this one. Even if the friend you're growing closer to wasn't a friend initially, she would soon become a friend which quite possibly means friendship with your wife as well.

Anyway, I hope guys can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Is your wife really "forbidding" anything or is it more like you dating her friend is a hard limit that if you choose to break she will choose not to continue a relationship with you? She can't stop you from doing anything, the only person she has control over is who she chooses to be in a relationship with. How does her friend feel about starting a relationship with you against your wife's wishes? If my friend pursued a relationship with my partner knowing I didn't approve she would no longer be a friend of mine. Are you okay that this might potentially destroy their friendship or that the relationship between them could be strained thus spilling over to both your relationship with wife and friend?
 
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