Doubts about possible poly relationship

[Sheishadow]

Hi, I'm new to the community, but I was looking for a place to share my story and get support in a (maybe) tricky situation of mine:
I've always been monogamous, even if for several reason my best friend doubted it for a while. Now, I'm in love with a married woman, and we are thinking of coming out to her husband. She says she still loves him, and she hopes the three of us will be able to manage a polyamorous relationship. I'm hopeful about that, mainly because I don't want her to suffer being coerced to choose between me and him; on the other side, I'm worried, because in Italy polygamy and poly couples in general are not accepted, not by the law, not by society, and we will never be able to expose our relationship: the chances are highly in favour of the fact that I will be a secret for the rest of my life, 'cause I'm not institutionalised. How can I cope with this fear of mine? Do you know others in my same position?

 

[azurebonds]

I’m making the assumptions that the husband has no idea that their wife is in love with another person and that polyamory has never been mentioned to them before. If these are true, then the husband is likely going to view the relationship as adultery and may feel that they’ve been polybombed. It may lead to a divorce or an end of your relationship if exposed, but I personally dislike hiding things like this, so it’s really up to your particular moral compass.

My situation is similar in that I am the husband in the marriage and I fell in love with another person. The primary difference is I was open to my wife about the relationship developing as it developed. So, she was more open to polyamory due to her involvement from the beginning.

 

[Sheishadow]

I’m making an assumption that the husband has no idea that their wife is in love with another person and that polyamory has never been mentioned to them before. If these are true, then the husband is likely going to view the relationship as adultery and may feel that they’ve been polybombed. It may lead to a divorce or an end of your relationship if exposed, but I personally dislike hiding things like this, so it’s really up to your particular moral compass.

My situation is similar in that I am the husband in the marriage and I fell in love with another person. The primary difference is I was open to my wife about the relationship developing as it developed. So, she was more open to polyamory due to her involvement from the beginning.

First of all, thank you so very much for your reply and for sharing your story.
Yes, her husband is currently unaware of the situation, they have talked about the possibility of a third person involved recently, but it was in a joke context: she is almost certain he will be more opened than we think, but I tried to cool her down, saying that hypothesis are different from reality, so talking about that as a possibility is not an effective clue of his good disposition.
I must clarify, for the sake of complete information, that we live 3:45h by train distance, so our relationship is not physical at the moment. We will hopefully come out to him at the end of the month when I go and visit, but I'm asking myself if this is the real solution, of merely a palliative for bigger problems. And I know you cannot answer my existential doubts, but it's still good to have a safe place to share and people willing to listen.

 

[azurebonds]

She may, depending on the dynamics of the relationship, want to have a serious conversation with her husband about trying polyamory and mention that she has met someone online that she’d be open to exploring with. That way everything is in the open. Then the husband can make an informed choice about what he wants from the relationship.

I think it’s better for them to discuss initially alone, as it’s their marriage. Your presence in that discussion will likely suggest that your relationship is further along than it is and could result in conflict.

 

[Evie]

In the past we used to regularly warn people about poly bombing their spouses with someone "waiting in the wings". But let's face it, that's so often the motivation that it's already too late anyway. But it does mean that there's a lot for the spouse to deal with - that they are the "last to know" and it may feel like there's been an affair already, as well as pressure to accept the situation with that new person rather than both spouses deciding to open up together and THEN looking to each meet new people.

So, could you wait? Let her broach that conversation with him about them both being able to meet new people and then keep waiting for a respectable amount of time until she starts to mention you? Yes, it's a little deception, but she's already been lying by omission, could you stay in the wings for another 6 months or so while they do some work on adjusting to being open (if he even agrees to this) and he starts to date himself?

Out of curiosity, how did you meet her at that distance? Surely not a dating app if they've never had the opening up conversation?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sheishadow,

Polyamory per se isn't expressly forbidden in the United States, however we do have old local laws forbidding adultery that haven't been taken off the books. That aside, polyamory is generally frowned upon, and many/most polyamorists have to be in the closet about it. I am kind of in that situation myself, I am in an MFM V, but I can't broadcast my relationship with the female, and I have to present myself as just a friend. Whether this state of affairs will ever change, I don't know. But I can sympathize with your situation. It was really hard on me in the early years. I did get used to it after a while, but it still isn't ideal. You have to decide whether you want to be a secret for the rest of your life.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Polyamory per se isn't expressly forbidden in the United States, however we do have old local laws forbidding adultery that haven't been taken off the books. That aside, polyamory is generally frowned upon, and many/most polyamorists have to be in the closet about it. I am kind of in that situation myself, I am in an MFM V, but I can't broadcast my relationship with the female, and I have to present myself as just a friend. Whether this state of affairs will ever change, I don't know.

It is changing bit by bit, but mostly in progressive urban areas, mostly coastal areas, but you name it, Boston, NYC, LA, San Francisco, Seattle Washington, Portland Oregon, Asheville North Carolina, etc., etc.

And it's much easier to "come out" when one is older and no longer as dependent on familial approval. Your parents might be elderly and clueless, or even deceased. If you get along with siblings, they are probably already used to your odd ways, and the ones that you don't get along with don't need to know, because you probably rarely if ever see them.

Also, not all polyamorous people are married, so the adultery question is moot.

Sheisshadow, I feel for you. Polyamory is a new word. I think the general concept is age old in France, where having mistresses or openly-secret lovers has been a tradition for centuries. I am not sure about Spain, but there is an interesting movie that takes place in Spain, called VickiChristinaBarcelona, where there are relationships involving "Vs" and triads. Check it out. I know those countries aren't Italy, but they are kind of nearby.

You can consider yourselves pioneers. Women are no longer "owned" by their fathers and husbands, but old habits die hard. If your love/friend's husband doesn't take the news well at all, she might be headed for divorce. However, some people react negatively to being poly-bombed at first, but come around gradually over a year or so.

I guess it depends on how traditional her husband is, and perhaps how religious. (Personally, with all the child abuse priests dish out, I don't take the Catholic Church's stance on adult relationships as at all valid.) (Edited to add: second progressive pope in a row was just elected, so bravo for that.)

Have you actually met your friend yet? A long-distance relationship is hard and can feel slightly "artificial," as it takes place a lot in the imagination, if you know what I mean.

 

[Sheishadow]

In the past, we used to regularly warn people about poly-bombing their spouses with someone "waiting in the wings." But let's face it, that's so often the motivation that it's already too late, anyway. But it does mean that there's a lot for the spouse to deal with-- that they are the "last to know," and it may feel like there's been an affair already, as well as pressure to accept the situation with that new person, rather than both spouses deciding to open up together, and THEN looking to each meet new people.

So, could you wait? Let her broach that conversation with him about them both being able to meet new people, and then keep waiting for a respectable amount of time until she starts to mention you? Yes, it's a little deception, but she's already been lying by omission. Could you stay in the wings for another 6 months or so while they do some work on adjusting to being open (if he even agrees to this), and he starts to date himself?

Out of curiosity, how did you meet her at that distance? Surely not a dating app, if they've never had the opening-up conversation?

Hi, thanks for replying.

In short, one year ago we met on IG, 'cause we are both pagan and started to share moments of our journeys. From November/December on, the communication intensified and we ended up chatting all day, everyday. I'm bisexual, and at a certain point she started to question herself about that, without telling me I was involved in her wondering.

In March I went in northern Italy for a conference and we decided to meet, as we were really closed but never properly met. I stayed at her house, and her husband willingly chose to let us sleep together.

One week later I left, she was exposing to me her feelings.

The point is, for what she says, she is not into letting me go, so she wants to open up to him, giving him the choice to go for poly, an open relationship, or whatever it makes possible for me to fit the scheme. Otherwise she will divorce.

She has already half planned that, if he agrees, once I will be able to move, I'll move in with them to live all together. That will be wonderful, but the problems about institutions and recognition will still persist.

 

[Sheishadow]

Hello Sheishadow,

Polyamory per se isn't expressly forbidden in the United States, however we do have old local laws forbidding adultery that haven't been taken off the books. That aside, polyamory is generally frowned upon, and many/most polyamorists have to be in the closet about it. I am kind of in that situation myself, I am in an MFM V, but I can't broadcast my relationship with the female, and I have to present myself as just a friend. Whether this state of affairs will ever change, I don't know. But I can sympathize with your situation. It was really hard on me in the early years. I did get used to it after a while, but it still isn't ideal. You have to decide whether you want to be a secret for the rest of your life.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

Hi, thanks for sharing your story and for understanding what's really worrying me right now. I'm just afraid that we will never be able to eat at a restaurant, or share time with friends all together without raising questions, that could lead to discrimination or worse.

 

[Sheishadow]

It is changing bit by bit, but mostly in progressive urban areas, mostly coastal areas, but you name it, Boston, NYC, LA, San Francisco, Seattle Washington, Portland Oregon, Asheville North Carolina, etc., etc.

And it's much easier to "come out" when one is older and no longer as dependent on familial approval. Your parents might be elderly and clueless, or even deceased. If you get along with siblings, they are probably already used to your odd ways, and the ones that you don't get along with don't need to know, because you probably rarely if ever see them.

Also, not all polyamorous people are married, so the adultery question is moot.

Sheisshadow, I feel for you. Polyamory is a new word. I think the general concept is age old in France, where having mistresses or openly-secret lovers has been a tradition for centuries. I am not sure about Spain, but there is an interesting movie that takes place in Spain, called VickiChristinaBarcelona, where there are relationships involving "Vs" and triads. Check it out. I know those countries aren't Italy, but they are kind of nearby.

You can consider yourselves pioneers. Women are no longer "owned" by their fathers and husbands, but old habits die hard. If your love/friend's husband doesn't take the news well at all, she might be headed for divorce. However, some people react negatively to being poly-bombed at first, but come around gradually over a year or so.

I guess it depends on how traditional her husband is, and perhaps how religious. (Personally, with all the child abuse priests dish out, I don't take the Catholic Church's stance on adult relationships as at all valid.)

Have you actually met your friend yet? A long-distance relationship is hard and can feel slightly "artificial," as it takes place a lot in the imagination, if you know what I mean.

Hi, yes, we have already met, but at the time she wasn't ready to express her feelings for me, so she did one week after I had left.
The point is that pioneering can be harsh, especially if it influences the way people at you workplace see you, and I don't want him (who has a good job position) to lose his job or be mobbed.

 

[Evie]

Okay, so you're saying that overall you're less worried about his reaction than you are about the social outcomes? That he has already given you guys the green light to do some sexual exploration when you were visiting. That privately, he probably wouldn't mind their relationship shape changing into a V to accommodate you, with his wife as the hinge. But publicly, it would be concerning to be seen together regularly, even as "friends" and that appearing to be too close to the married couple could be condemned by other people.

I'm not sure of your age or wishes when it comes to family, but this choice - to be with her while she is with him - would likely mean you wouldn't have your own children. You would likely never be able to introduce her to your parents, siblings, friends or coworkers as your love. And if you are considering moving to be with her, you are likely leaving behind your existing friends. Sure, it's only a few hours away, but not being able to meet with old friends spontaneously whilst being in a new place can take its toll.

For the relationship you dream about to be sustainable, you would probably need a high level of independence. And to stay open to meeting someone else (who ideally would not object to you retaining a relationship with this woman).

I suggest this pros/cons video as it gives a lot to think about.

 

[Magdlyn]

In short, one year ago we met on IG, 'cause we are both pagan and started to share moments of our journeys. From November/December on, the communication intensified and we ended up chatting all day, everyday. I'm bisexual, and at a certain point she started to question herself about that, without telling me I was involved in her wondering.

Oh, so now I am picking up that you are a woman. Is that right? Your username and the mention of being bisexual, and your friend possibly being bicurious, seems to indicate this is a FF relationship.

BTW, I am pagan too. Happy Beltane, if you celebrate!

In March I went in northern Italy for a conference and we decided to meet, as we were really closed but never properly met. I stayed at her house, and her husband willingly chose to let us sleep together.

Upthread you said your relationship wasn't physical, so when you said you were allowed to sleep together, you mean actually sleep? The husband let his wife sleep in bed with her female friend? And you did, but there was no sex? Kissing maybe?

One week later I left, she was exposing to me her feelings.

One week after you left, your friend told you she loved you in a romantic way?

The point is, for what she says, she is not into letting me go, so she wants to open up to him, giving him the choice to go for poly, an open relationship, or whatever it makes possible for me to fit the scheme. Otherwise she will divorce.

She's only been really into you since last November/December, but she would divorce her husband to be able to be with you?? How is their marriage? Not great? No kids?

She has already half planned that, if he agrees, once I will be able to move, I'll move in with them to live all together. That will be wonderful

The usual wisdom in polyamorous circles is not to make any drastic moves during NRE (the new relationship energy, or infatuation period). You're generally not in a rational state of mind. It would be better to move near her, if you want, get your own place, date normally for a year or so. (I know you two-cyber chat a lot, but that's not like actual in-person dating.) And you can't even date unless the husband joyfully consents to opening their marriage, without being coerced. That is the first and biggest hurdle. He agrees to polyamory, or they get divorced.

You could meet her family and friends as a new friend. If your relationship works out, you could eventually tell trusted people that this is a romantic relationship.

Her husband agreeing to all this is a big unknown? And he can't have any shadow of a doubt at work that his wife might be dating someone else (either male or female), or risk losing his job? Then it would probably be best to not move in with them, even 12 months from now, unless you could really just be passed off as a platonic roommate.

but the problems about institutions and recognition will still persist.

Yes. Most people "come out" selectively.

 

[Sheishadow]

Oh, so now I am picking up that you are a woman. Is that right? Your username and the mention of being bisexual, and your friend possibly being bicurious, seems to indicate this is a FF relationship.

BTW, I am pagan too. Happy Beltane, if you celebrate!

Upthread you said your relationship wasn't physical, so when you said you were allowed to sleep together, you mean actually sleep? The husband let his wife sleep in bed with her female friend? And you did, but there was no sex? Kissing maybe?

One week after you left, your friend told you she loved you in a romantic way?

She's only been really into you since last November/December, but she would divorce her husband to be able to be with you?? How is their marriage? Not great? No kids?

The usual wisdom in polyamorous circles is not to make any drastic moves during NRE (the new relationship energy, or infatuation period). You're generally not in a rational state of mind. It would be better to move near her, if you want, get your own place, date normally for a year or so. (I know you two-cyber chat a lot, but that's not like actual in-person dating.) And you can't even date unless the husband joyfully consents to opening their marriage, without being coerced. That is the first and biggest hurdle. He agrees to polyamory, or they get divorced.

You could meet her family and friends as a new friend. If your relationship works out, you could eventually tell trusted people that this is a romantic relationship.

Her husband agreeing to all this is a big unknown? And he can't have any shadow of a doubt at work that his wife might be dating someone else (either male or female), or risk losing his job? Then it would probably be best to not move in with them, even 12 months from now, unless you could really just be passed off as a platonic roommate.

Yes. Most people "come out" selectively.

Oh dear, happy Beltane!

We shared the bed as they didn't have a proper guest room, and he slept on the sofa. When I was there and we were alone, I confessed to her I was catching feelings out of honesty, and she was very kind, but said it couldn't be. We just hugged in the night. One week later my departure, she was like "I must tell you, I can't hide it anymore, I didn't know what to do when you told me about your feelings, because I feel the same, but I panicked so I played it safe".

They can't have kids, but they're cool about it. After we came out to each other she analysed her marriage and found out several problems she confronted him about. They are trying to solve them, but if they didn't she would divorce anyway. She loves him, but love is not enough.

My moving in won't be in a shirt period of time, because I'm attending a PhD,.so I have another two-years-long work to do where I live. Giving the chance he reacts positively, we would travel once a month in turn, but I won't be able to hide it from my mother, 'cause she lives nearby and she'll be odd about a friend of mine coming so often or me going there so often.

Anyway, thanks for getting me explaining it a bit more in detail, I know it seems foolish but here we are.