Dumped by one partner - what to do now

[polydumped]

Hi, I apologize if this has been asked before.

I was in a relationship with a woman "E" for 13 years. About 12 years into that relationship we decided to date other people, she had two other semi-casual boyfriends, I had one more serious other girlfriend "A". Me and E lived together, have mutual friends (for me they are my only friend group), had an apartment together - the whole shebang. We were going to spend our lives together.

About 9 months ago E broke up with me and it completely turned my life on it's head. I had to find a new dingy studio apartment, things got real awkward with all my friends and I was super broken up about the whole thing - crying and drinking waaay too much. This poses a bunch of problems for my relationship with A, which is ongoing. She feels sad and unimportant because of my grieving process, and to be frank I'm not over E yet. It hurts when E sees new people, and A feels slighted because of this - naturally.

What the hell do I do? In a monogamous context it's a big no-no to start new relationships when you're not over an ex, but since the relationship with A was already established I just don't know what the right thing to do is - do we break up? work on it? take a break? I feel so awful that A has to deal with this, and though we love each other I'm not over E yet.

Anybody been through a similar experience? How did that work out?

 

[Magdlyn]

I've been through many breakups while in a relationship with my long term partner. And she has too, on her end. We support each other as we would support each other through any loss, or other hard things like illnesses, financial issues, whatever.

But different people may have issues with supporting their partners who are grieving. It's rough that all your friends who could support you about the breakup are also friends with E! They will have mixed feelings. Isn't there anyone you can ask for help besides that shared friend group? If not, maybe you can get grief support in an online group, or from a poly-friendly therapist. You can also start a journal, either privately, or by writing a blog here in our blogging section. You can ask for feedback there, if you want it.

I think you are saying you have been in same sex, lesbian relationships. The queer community in any one area can seem very small, and the dating pool is such that you end up dating your ex's exes, and things like that. If no one can support you, you'll need to reach outside the confines of your local group, I guess?

Of course, you can do as much self-care as possible to avoid putting too much burden on A. If you're a mess, and will be "no fun" for while, and she can't handle being a shoulder to cry on, you could see each other less for a while, until you get more distance and feel a bit more balanced. You need to take care of yourself, get rest and sleep, eat well, exercise, do some escapist things to take breaks from the pain, etc.

If it's been 9 months and you're still drinking too much, you might need to look at that as a separate issue.

I am very sorry about your breakup. It sounds like it came as a shock.

 

[tdh]

That is tough and can be very sad and tough loss to got through.

I would recommend looking into a non-monogamous/poly friendly therapist to help with the transition. Morning a relationship is normal but it takes time to heal. Also the current relationship still needs support too. And you will need to let people be there for you. Even on a good day that is a lot to maneuver through.

Talking to someone who understands all the dynamics, can listen, and provide a balancing perspective can help

 

[GalaGirl]

I agree with not dating anyone "new" but A was already here. You are not starting new.

I feel so awful that A has to deal with this, and though we love each other I'm not over E yet.

Why are you ADDING to your load? A. signed up to date you, to be with you. Things are going to happen in Life. So if she didn't want to deal with the happy stuff and the sad stuff and the in between stuff of sharing life with you? She wouldn't be dating you.

If this is the first time A watches you navigate grief, that part of is is going to be new. And you will see a new side of A too.

You could ask A. to be patient with you while you grieve the loss of your previous relationship. Breaking up is not a fun thing.

If the loss had been a pet, a friend, or family member that died? Your GF would understand you have to go through a grief process right? And that you being sad about the pet, friend, or the family member doesn't mean A. is not important to you. Maybe telling her that helps.

You could tell her steps you are taking to help yourself move forward. Maybe think about taking and AA meeting. If your drinking is getting to be too much, or even if you just need another safe space to talk to people outside of the friend group.

If A is task oriented, you could ask if she's willing to help you move forward with some simple tasks. Like walking the dog or bringing a meal so you can have a small break from those chores. Helping make the dingy apartment more home-y and less dingy.

At the same time, remember A in INSIDE the system. One comforts in, and kvetches out. Don't overload her.
Talk to your friends, talk to family, think about a grief counselor.

Also make time to focus on (you+A). Spending time on dates with A. She will need breaks from the grief stuff as much as you do. Maybe like a cozy movie nite at home, or board games and take out dinner.

Take it one day at a time.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello polydumped,

In poly, one does not dump one partner (e.g., A) when one has been dumped by another partner (e.g., E). Instead, one asks the one partner for help in getting through the grieving process while one is grieving the loss of the other partner. So you should ask A for extra support while you are grieving the loss of E. Also, to help A not feel put down because of your deep and apparent feelings for E, you need to increase the amount of dates you go on with A. If you have been going out with A once a week, start going out with her twice a week. Do little things to let her know that she is as important to you as ever, even if emotionally you have to be extra focused on E for awhile. A cannot replace E. But she can support you while you grieve the loss of E. Just give her that chance.

I'm very sorry that E broke up with you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello polydumped,

In poly, one does not dump one partner (e.g., A) when one has been dumped by another partner (e.g., E). Instead, one asks the one partner for help in getting through the grieving process while one is grieving the loss of the other partner. So you should ask A for extra support while you are grieving the loss of E. Also, to help A not feel put down because of your deep and apparent feelings for E, you need to increase the amount of dates you go on with A. If you have been going out with A once a week, start going out with her twice a week. Do little things to let her know that she is as important to you as ever, even if emotionally you have to be extra focused on E for awhile. A cannot replace E. But she can support you while you grieve the loss of E. Just give her that chance.

I'm very sorry that E broke up with you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Kevin, it sounds like polydumped has been very dependent on A for support over the breakup with E. It sounds like she has told A how much it hurts when she, polydumped, sees E with new partners.

It's been 9 months since the breakup, and it actually sounds like A is becoming burnt out by polydumped's grieving process. I'd imagine the over-drinking is also hard to witness, not fun. To me, it seems like the OP could reach out more to other supports, rather than depending on A to listen to her distressed feelings, and see her drunk and depressed. I think Karen's idea of AA is a good one. Actual one-on-one therapy is an option, as is an online grief-support group.

More dates with A, where the OP does not mention E, could help, if the OP is even interested in them. Of course, no one should be "going out and seeing friends" right now, unless you're lucky enough to be living in NZ or something... But at home dates, nice dinners, watching a funny movie, playing some video games or board games together, doing projects or crafts, or going for long walks, could help.

 

[polydumped]

To all the people talking about getting help from a therapist, I think that's good advice probably. I've been procrastinating getting help, rationalizing it by telling myself it wouldn't help since the relationship constellation is unorthodox, and that I'd get the same kind of negativity I've been getting from people around both me and A's friends.

A's friends aren't privy to the fact that me and E were together, so all they see is a guy clearly not over his ex. Besides that, being a guy with more than one girlfriend carries with it all the baggage of being perceived as a womanizing pig, though finding a therapist that's poly-friendly would be very nice.

If it's been 9 months and you're still drinking too much, you might need to look at that as a separate issue.

Definitely. The situation with that is untenable.

If the loss had been a pet, a friend, or family member that died? Your GF would understand you have to go through a grief process right? And that you being sad about the pet, friend, or the family member doesn't mean A. is not important to you. Maybe telling her that helps.

I agree with this advice, and have tried explaining it in a similar way, using the analogy of a parent passing away, and how that doesn't mean you love the remaining parent any less. I'm unsure of whether or not it helps.

Kevin, it sounds like polydumped has been very dependent on A for support over the breakup with E. It sounds like she has told A how much it hurts when she, polydumped, sees E with new partners.

I definitely have. I've been struggling with how to be independent, I'm 29 now and haven't been without a close partner since I was 15. I recognize that I'm very dependent on A in a way that she does not deserve. I think you're correct in your assessment of both that behavior and my drinking too much being a problem that's burning A out.

Thanks to all of you for answering, it feels reassuring knowing that the end of a relationship with one partner does not necessarily mean the end of one with another. I'll work on my apartment, A is in fact very task oriented and I think she'd be happy to lend a hand. I'll scout for a poly-friendly therapist and try to lessen the load on A, and definitely try to focus completely on her when we meet.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad you are willing to try therapy.

I've been procrastinating getting help, rationalizing it by telling myself it wouldn't help since the relationship constellation is unorthodox, and that I'd get the same kind of negativity I've been getting from people around both me and A's friends.

There are professionals who know and understand about poly. You might include that in your Google search.

You could try the directory.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

And you could ask if the potential therapist if they are familiar with

https://www.communitysolutionsva.org/files/What_Psychology_Professionals_Should_Know_About_Polymory.pdf

https://www.counseling.org/docs/default-source/vistas/counseling-the-polyamorous-client-implications.pdf?sfvrsn=9

and how many other poly clients they have had.

You are hiring them to help. Interview them and do the first session(s) to see if it is a good fit or not. Expect any professional you hire to help you to BE professional. Just like with primary care, dentists, eye doctor, and so on? If you don't like a new doctor? Quit seeing them, keep searching, and find another one you like better!

A's friends aren't privy to the fact that me and E were together, so all they see is a guy clearly not over his ex.

Well... you are not over your ex and the break up yet. So? It is what it is at this time. You are allowed to be a person in progress.

Besides that, being a guy with more than one girlfriend carries with it all the baggage of being perceived as a womanizing pig, though finding a therapist that's poly-friendly would be very nice.

Someone else's perception is a problem for you how? Someone from A's friends calling you names? Something else?

Try to be kinder to yourself as you navigate through all this.

Finding a therapist, getting a grip on the drinking, spending time with A in more constructive ways and not overloading her with your grief stuff, settling into the new home -- that's plenty as it is on your plate without taking on board other people stuff too.

Just because someone brings you their baggage doesn't mean you have to oblige and carry it around for them.

Galagirl

 

[polydumped]

Well... you are not over your ex and the break up yet. So? It is what it is at this time. You are allowed to be a person in progress.

Someone else's perception is a problem for you how? Someone from A's friends calling you names? Something else?

This becomes an issue putting extra pressure on A. She's not comfortable telling friends and family about my history with E, so when her friends see her supposedly monogamous partner not over his ex they advise her to end the relationship and move on.

Nobody's calling me names to my face, though I hear quite a bit of "I heard X told Y that Z thinks you're a..." etc, and A hears these things too and they influence her feelings towards me. At least that's what I think is happening, she's not said explicitly that it does but I can tell it makes her sad to hear that stuff.

Thank you for the links! I'll check to see if I can find a similar directory for Sweden where I live, and I'll read through the information about counseling.

 

[GalaGirl]

This becomes an issue putting extra pressure on A. She's not comfortable telling friends and family about my history with E, so when her friends see her supposedly monogamous partner not over his ex they advise her to end the relationship and move on.

I see that as natural consequences of her choice.

It is A's choice to not be "out" as poly to her friends and family. So not knowing the whole story? They are going to tell her whatever. It's on A. to either

• ignore what they say
• decide to be out so she doesn't have to be hearing stuff (and in doing so, risk hearing NEW stuff)

You can be sympathetic and you can care, but ultimately? It's not your issue to deal with. It's not like you can go ahead and out her for her. That's rude, and she might not like it.

Nobody's calling me names to my face, though I hear quite a bit of "I heard X told Y that Z thinks you're a..." etc,

WHO is telling you this hearsay? A.? Someone else? If you don't care to know, you can tell the person (whoever it is) not to be repeating things to you. If Z has something to say to you, they can tell you directly. You get to create and maintain your personal boundaries with people. You don't have to engage with gossip.

...and A hears these things too and they influence her feelings towards me. At least that's what I think is happening, she's not said explicitly that it does but I can tell it makes her sad to hear that stuff.

So sometimes in sharing life with A. you will see her sad. Just like sometimes you will be sad. Feelings happen.

A. gets to create and maintain her personal boundaries with people. If listening to people tell her this stuff makes her sad? Well, she can change behavior so some new feelings can ensue. Like telling the people to STOP repeating this stuff at her. Or out herself as poly. Or something else.

I am not unsympathetic. It's hard when one lives somewhere and/or interacts with people where they don't feel entirely safe or comfortable being who they are and living how they live.

At the same time? You cannot be taking on board all of A's stuff for YOU to carry around. You have your own stuff. It cannot ALL be your stuff.

Some of the stuff is your personal responsibility and only you can do it. That's your stuff. She can encourage, sympathize, etc. But she cannot do it FOR you. Right now you main thing is healing from the break up with E. and not overloading A with it. And stop with the drinking.

Some of the stuff is her personal responsibility and only she can do it. You can encourage, sympathize, etc. You you cannot fo it FOR her. If she's struggling with her friends and family because she chooses to be in the poly closet and they do stuff that bugs her? She either remains silent, tells them to cut the behavior out, outs herself as poly, or figures something else out. This is not stuff you can do FOR her.

Some of the stuff is "our shared stuff." BOTH of you have a shared responsibility to attend to that stuff. At this time? It sounds like part of "our stuff" us making the time to date each other and spend time together that ISN'T overshadowed by grief, the gossipy friends, etc.

Thank you for the links! I'll check to see if I can find a similar directory for Sweden where I live, and I'll read through the information about counseling.

GL with seeking a good counselor! I hope they are better able to aid you.

Galagirl

 

[3908]

Hello polydumped,

In poly, one does not dump one partner (e.g., A) when one has been dumped by another partner (e.g., E). Instead, one asks the one partner for help in getting through the grieving process while one is grieving the loss of the other partner. So you should ask A for extra support while you are grieving the loss of E. Also, to help A not feel put down because of your deep and apparent feelings for E, you need to increase the amount of dates you go on with A. If you have been going out with A once a week, start going out with her twice a week. Do little things to let her know that she is as important to you as ever, even if emotionally you have to be extra focused on E for awhile. A cannot replace E. But she can support you while you grieve the loss of E. Just give her that chance.

I'm very sorry that E broke up with you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

great advice!