Emotionally monogamous and physically polyamorous?

Melxx101

New member
I am a bisexual woman. How come when I am with a man I want to be with a woman and when I am with a woman I want to be with a man? I just want to be in a relationship with one person but I would love for my partner and I to have threesomes. I feel like I am emotionally monogamous and physically polyamorous. Does this make me polyamorous?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If you want only 1 sweetie, to me that means you are monoamorous.

If you want more than one lover, to me that means you are polysexual.

Polyamorous means "many loves." You don't sound like you want more than 1 sweetie to love. You want to love your 1 sweetie while having the option for recreational threesomes on the side.

Like... "monogamish." Mostly monogamous, but with some room for sexual encounters with others.

Galagirl
 

tdh

Member
It is common we confuse sexualy, emotional, and relationship desires as all being the same. The common thread in culture is they should be the same. I should only want X or fit into box Y but I find that isn't really true.

As GalaGirl already pointed out, your sexual needs might be different then your partner relationship needs. There are many ethical ways to have these types of relationship that could be monogamish, open or even swinging.

Also it might be worth considering if the desires may or may not be needs. That is something you would need to discover for yourself. Humans tend to crave newness for continued sexual attraction in any relationship.

I just learned about Freysexuality which is someone who experiences attraction to someone until they actually meet them. A person who identifies as Frey might find one night stands or short sexual relationships much more preferable than long term sexual relationship. However that same person emotionally, nesting or long term relationship might be quite mono or poly or something else.
 

icesong

Moderator
What they said! And honestly those desires can change - for the first decade I was non monogamous in any sense, I thought I was emotionally monogamous until I fell in love with someone...
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Melxx101,

When I read your post, I get the impression that you might be polyamorous. Like you might do best in a three-person setup (a triad), with you, and one man, and one woman. Where sometimes the three of you have threesomes. The question is, would that fix your problem of wanting the opposite gender of whichever person you are with?

Keep us posted as your situation evolves.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

starlight1

Member
Definitely these things can be like this, and can change! I just found out while im still sexually attracted to both sexes im romantically attracted to women and friendly attracted to men. But it used to be the opposite! So don't get too hung up on the labels and just be you.

As galagirl said, 1 romantical love monoamorous. 2+ romantical love polyamorous.

I'd probably fall into polysexual for men, and polyamorous for women. And demi sexual for all! Lol.
 

Melxx101

New member
If you want only 1 sweetie, to me that means you are monoamorous.

If you want more than one lover, to me that means you are polysexual.

Polyamorous means "many loves." You don't sound like you want more than 1 sweetie to love. You want to love your 1 sweetie while having the option for recreational threesomes on the side.

Like... "monogamish." Mostly monogamous, but with some room for sexual encounters with others.

Galagirl
Well isn’t monogamish a part of polyamory? So then polyamory means that you have to be romantically and sexually into multiple people and not just sexually into multiple people?
 

Melxx101

New member
It is common we confuse sexualy, emotional, and relationship desires as all being the same. The common thread in culture is they should be the same. I should only want X or fit into box Y but I find that isn't really true.

As GalaGirl already pointed out, your sexual needs might be different then your partner relationship needs. There are many ethical ways to have these types of relationship that could be monogamish, open or even swinging.

Also it might be worth considering if the desires may or may not be needs. That is something you would need to discover for yourself. Humans tend to crave newness for continued sexual attraction in any relationship.

I just learned about Freysexuality which is someone who experiences attraction to someone until they actually meet them. A person who identifies as Frey might find one night stands or short sexual relationships much more preferable than long term sexual relationship. However that same person emotionally, nesting or long term relationship might be quite mono or poly or something else.
Wow... I never heard of Freysexuality. That is most definitely something that I could identify sexually as. I know for a fact that my partner needs are different from my sexual needs. Like I emotionally want to be with just one person and sexually I want to be with multiple people. Like you said, there are many ethical ways to have that type of relationship.
(monogamish, open or even swinging.) So back to my original question, would this make me polyamorous? And what is the difference from ethical non monogamy and polyamory? Is there a difference?
 

Melxx101

New member
What they said! And honestly those desires can change - for the first decade I was non monogamous in any sense, I thought I was emotionally monogamous until I fell in love with someone...
What had changed for you once you fell in love with someone?
 

Melxx101

New member
Hello Melxx101,

When I read your post, I get the impression that you might be polyamorous. Like you might do best in a three-person setup (a triad), with you, and one man, and one woman. Where sometimes the three of you have threesomes. The question is, would that fix your problem of wanting the opposite gender of whichever person you are with?

Keep us posted as your situation evolves.
Regards,
Kevin T.
I have thought about a triad relationship and I don’t know if I could be emotionally involved with two people at once...But sexually, I know that I could definitely be with multiple people at once.
 

Melxx101

New member
Definitely these things can be like this, and can change! I just found out while im still sexually attracted to both sexes im romantically attracted to women and friendly attracted to men. But it used to be the opposite! So don't get too hung up on the labels and just be you.

As galagirl said, 1 romantical love monoamorous. 2+ romantical love polyamorous.

I'd probably fall into polysexual for men, and polyamorous for women. And demi sexual for all! Lol.
Like I asked gala girl, So then polyamory means that you have to be romantically and sexually into multiple people and not just sexually into multiple people? What does polysexual and demi sexual mean?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
What's the difference ethical non monogamy and polyamory? Is there a difference?

What's the difference between clam chowder and soup? Clam chowder is a kind of soup. Not all soups are clam chowder.

Polyamory is a type of non-monogamy. Not all non-monogamous relationships involve polyamory. There could be swinging or BDSM or...

Here's a visual aid.


Well isn’t monogamish a part of polyamory?

Not to me. Because you could be monogamous most of the time but up for casual sex threesomes once in a while. But you don't have to be in love with your threesome partners.

Polyamory to me means many loves. You don't even have to share sex with them.

Maybe this helps you some.


There are other lists.

I think the main thing is that you and your partners are using the words in the same way so you avoid misunderstandings.

Galagirl
 
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icesong

Moderator
What had changed for you once you fell in love with someone?
What led up to it was that I was in a very vulnerable spot in my life for a lot of reasons. That partner brought a bit of magic to a life that I kind of hated right then and we had more in common and spent more time together than any of my previous sex-only or sex-and-friendship partners. SO falling in love - or at least limerence? - was nearly inevitable.

*Being* in love with someone else other than Knight started prying open a lot of our codependence. We spent our late teens and all of our twenties completely entangled with each other to the degree that in a zillion ways I had no idea who I was outside that relationship. And while I still loved Knight and wanted our relationship to last, I also wanted, at that point, to figure out who *I* was vs. who *we* were. HipsterBoy was in a lot of ways the beginning of that process. (And that led to some less than ideal choices on my part, which I'm not proud of - mostly pressuring Knight to stay in a relationship that was bad for him in order to maintain my relationship with my partner... quads are *hard*.)

After, though... after was hell but it was also what I consider to be a Kintsugi season in my life. When that partner and I split I felt like I broke inside... but after a lot of work I'm all sparkly and gold in those spots. ;-)

Seriously, though, at this point I can't imagine being wrapped up in a single person enough that I'd be happy monogamous, emotionally OR physically. The biggest thing is in a lot of ways I feel like my partners bring out different sides of me and I *love* that I can explore all those parts of my identity without *losing* anything or anyone.
 

starlight1

Member
Like I asked gala girl, So then polyamory means that you have to be romantically and sexually into multiple people and not just sexually into multiple people? What does polysexual and demi sexual mean?
Poly- amory = many- loves (romantic)
Poly sexual= many sexual partners (romantic or not)
Demi sexual= a sexual preference of not sexual until you know the person extremely well. Rather than go on a date 1-2 weeks later sleep together that happens in a lot of casual dating. More like friends/dating for months for me before sex happens now.
Others might have a different view of demi sexual but thats my take. I need to feel romantically attached and mentally /heart trusting the other person first now a days.
 
Fascinating read; from someone in a poly relationship (hetero, but my GF is bi) and who's realized he's bi with the right people (leans mostly towards a demisexual side; the right guy turns me on, most don't)... the definitions and spectrum is amazing.
 
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