SierraValley356
New member
I feel at a bit of a loss and I'm not quite sure I am doing the right thing.
I am the hinge within a poly V. I (28F) have my fiance and NP Kevin (32M) and my other partner Tyler (31M). Kevin and I have been together over two years, and Tyler and I had been together about 9 months. Tyler lived 2 hours away, so the long distance made things quite difficult.
Kevin and I went into our relationship knowing we wanted an ENM/open/poly dynamic. Admittedly we went into it a bit blind, being new to it, and we both started our journey to find other partners at the same time. I found easier success in finding a partner than Kevin did, which seems quite common for guys vs gals. I found Tyler quite early on and we hit things off very easily. There was some jealousy from Kevin, which caused some issues early on, but we were able to work through them and we settled into a bit of a routine. I would go and visit Tyler every other weekend, and on our off weeks Tyler would come and visit for a night after work. I have a pretty normal 9 to 5 job Monday through Fridays, while Tyler works a job that is 24 hour shifts, so he works 2 or 3 days a week. He works other odd jobs to help fill in his other days.
During my work days, Kevin also worked the same hours. He works a very hands-on job, so he isn't able to text during the work day. Kevin and I usually get up and head out, and then we spend time together after work. But our evenings often include running errands, doing laundry, making dinner, and other miscellaneous household upkeep. True dedicated time together is a few hours in the evenings usually and then our weekends, in which we do spend quite a few hours with household upkeep and other general life items.
My time with Tyler is a lot more limited because of the long-distance aspect, but is more dedicated to our time together. We generally spend the whole time exploring or relaxing together when we are together.
I try my best to be a good hinge, though I know I fail at times. I also do my best to split important trips equally among my two partners. Tyler has expressed feelings of unhappiness regarding me going on trips with Kevin, or not getting to go with me on things first. Kevin also had some unhappiness about who got to do what with me first in the beginning, but that was not as much of an issue towards the end. We got to a point where Tyler would express unhappiness about not being able to attend a trip with me because Kevin was going, or feeling like he was in second consideration for trips that we both wanted to do.
I felt this was not true, as I had planned two very large trips with Tyler, and so I was trying to find some other smaller, but still meaningful trips for Kevin and me, since his job has black-out dates and so he frequently only has weekends to travel, instead of being able to take extended time off for vacations.
This made it so I would get really nervous to plan trips because it would upset Tyler, and Tyler did not feel safe telling me about said trips because it would make me upset with him. I think those feelings he is expressing aren't actionable since Kevin also deserves to have trips with me. So these comments only really serve to upset me. But Tyler insists he shouldn't be afraid to share his feelings. I agree he should be allowed to share them, and I need to work on my emotional enmeshment when my partners are sad or disappointed. But I also feel concerned at the precedence this seems to set. Towards the beginning of the relationship, if I planned a trip with one, it kinda became expected that I would plan a trip with the other to "make up for it." I was doing my best to break that mold, because I didn't want my partners constantly trying to one-up each other, and I couldn't do every activity in the world twice. Kevin settled into it and was not pressing for more trips than I want to give, but Tyler always seemed to want more plans and more trips.
The next big hurdle we have faced is expectations of time and communication. Tyler and I communicate pretty much throughout the day because both of our jobs generally allow us to text in our downtime without issues. Sometimes if I have a busy workday I won't be able to text much. Tyler has expressed some unhappiness on these days that we didn't get to talk much, which I understand.
But constant communication is a bit of a high bar to try and reach, and Tyler generally would want a phone call or more messages the next day to try and make up for the lost communication. We had been trying to do phone calls once a week on my way home from work (I really hate being on the phone, but I do know phone calls are important to him) but my work has been excessively busy because it is audit season, and I have been liking my drives home from work to decompress in quiet or with some music on. Admittedly, I have been scatterbrained, so I haven't been making the calls a priority lately. And I generally feel bad taking phone calls in the evening, since that is typically time I dedicate to Kevin since we haven't really spoken all day.
Tyler also likes when I send him selfies, but I tend to get awkward looks from my coworkers taking selfies at work, and I don't like to take selfies in front of Kevin. I worry that Kevin will wonder why I'm sending selfies to Tyler but I don't send any to him. (This is all on me. It's an assumption I am making.) And Tyler would also like audio messages so he can hear my voice. He will frequently send me audio messages while he's driving. They are easy for me to listen to at work since I have my ear buds in. But it's a very different story trying to make audio messages. I can't really make audio messages at work, and making them at home in front of Kevin seems a bit awkward.
So, I ended up calling things quits with Tyler. Because of the long distance, I just don't think I have the capacity to meet Tyler's needs. I don't really feel capable of setting boundaries with him because it always feels like the goal line will move or if I'm having a bad week (or month because of audit season) I will have him upset at me for not spending more time messaging, calling, sending selfies as he would like me to. I feel this is an incompatibility that we won't really be able to compromise on, but he disagrees. I feel like I am already tapped out and my cup is empty trying to fairly distribute my time to my partners but it never feels like enough. When I have expressed this, he has insisted he isn't asking for that much more and we can definitely compromise and find a solution. But I don't have any more to give. I am consistently running myself out of spoons trying to manage this dynamic and I am exhausted trying to be fair to both my partners and be a good hinge.
Tyler believes I ended things without trying and we could have made it work. I don't personally see a way of being able to meet his needs with the distance and my other commitments at this point in my life. I feel so torn. I feel like I am doing the right thing and he will be able to find someone who can meet those needs, but he insists this breakup was a rash decision.
Am I doing the right thing? Was there a chance to make this work?
I am the hinge within a poly V. I (28F) have my fiance and NP Kevin (32M) and my other partner Tyler (31M). Kevin and I have been together over two years, and Tyler and I had been together about 9 months. Tyler lived 2 hours away, so the long distance made things quite difficult.
Kevin and I went into our relationship knowing we wanted an ENM/open/poly dynamic. Admittedly we went into it a bit blind, being new to it, and we both started our journey to find other partners at the same time. I found easier success in finding a partner than Kevin did, which seems quite common for guys vs gals. I found Tyler quite early on and we hit things off very easily. There was some jealousy from Kevin, which caused some issues early on, but we were able to work through them and we settled into a bit of a routine. I would go and visit Tyler every other weekend, and on our off weeks Tyler would come and visit for a night after work. I have a pretty normal 9 to 5 job Monday through Fridays, while Tyler works a job that is 24 hour shifts, so he works 2 or 3 days a week. He works other odd jobs to help fill in his other days.
During my work days, Kevin also worked the same hours. He works a very hands-on job, so he isn't able to text during the work day. Kevin and I usually get up and head out, and then we spend time together after work. But our evenings often include running errands, doing laundry, making dinner, and other miscellaneous household upkeep. True dedicated time together is a few hours in the evenings usually and then our weekends, in which we do spend quite a few hours with household upkeep and other general life items.
My time with Tyler is a lot more limited because of the long-distance aspect, but is more dedicated to our time together. We generally spend the whole time exploring or relaxing together when we are together.
I try my best to be a good hinge, though I know I fail at times. I also do my best to split important trips equally among my two partners. Tyler has expressed feelings of unhappiness regarding me going on trips with Kevin, or not getting to go with me on things first. Kevin also had some unhappiness about who got to do what with me first in the beginning, but that was not as much of an issue towards the end. We got to a point where Tyler would express unhappiness about not being able to attend a trip with me because Kevin was going, or feeling like he was in second consideration for trips that we both wanted to do.
I felt this was not true, as I had planned two very large trips with Tyler, and so I was trying to find some other smaller, but still meaningful trips for Kevin and me, since his job has black-out dates and so he frequently only has weekends to travel, instead of being able to take extended time off for vacations.
This made it so I would get really nervous to plan trips because it would upset Tyler, and Tyler did not feel safe telling me about said trips because it would make me upset with him. I think those feelings he is expressing aren't actionable since Kevin also deserves to have trips with me. So these comments only really serve to upset me. But Tyler insists he shouldn't be afraid to share his feelings. I agree he should be allowed to share them, and I need to work on my emotional enmeshment when my partners are sad or disappointed. But I also feel concerned at the precedence this seems to set. Towards the beginning of the relationship, if I planned a trip with one, it kinda became expected that I would plan a trip with the other to "make up for it." I was doing my best to break that mold, because I didn't want my partners constantly trying to one-up each other, and I couldn't do every activity in the world twice. Kevin settled into it and was not pressing for more trips than I want to give, but Tyler always seemed to want more plans and more trips.
The next big hurdle we have faced is expectations of time and communication. Tyler and I communicate pretty much throughout the day because both of our jobs generally allow us to text in our downtime without issues. Sometimes if I have a busy workday I won't be able to text much. Tyler has expressed some unhappiness on these days that we didn't get to talk much, which I understand.
But constant communication is a bit of a high bar to try and reach, and Tyler generally would want a phone call or more messages the next day to try and make up for the lost communication. We had been trying to do phone calls once a week on my way home from work (I really hate being on the phone, but I do know phone calls are important to him) but my work has been excessively busy because it is audit season, and I have been liking my drives home from work to decompress in quiet or with some music on. Admittedly, I have been scatterbrained, so I haven't been making the calls a priority lately. And I generally feel bad taking phone calls in the evening, since that is typically time I dedicate to Kevin since we haven't really spoken all day.
Tyler also likes when I send him selfies, but I tend to get awkward looks from my coworkers taking selfies at work, and I don't like to take selfies in front of Kevin. I worry that Kevin will wonder why I'm sending selfies to Tyler but I don't send any to him. (This is all on me. It's an assumption I am making.) And Tyler would also like audio messages so he can hear my voice. He will frequently send me audio messages while he's driving. They are easy for me to listen to at work since I have my ear buds in. But it's a very different story trying to make audio messages. I can't really make audio messages at work, and making them at home in front of Kevin seems a bit awkward.
So, I ended up calling things quits with Tyler. Because of the long distance, I just don't think I have the capacity to meet Tyler's needs. I don't really feel capable of setting boundaries with him because it always feels like the goal line will move or if I'm having a bad week (or month because of audit season) I will have him upset at me for not spending more time messaging, calling, sending selfies as he would like me to. I feel this is an incompatibility that we won't really be able to compromise on, but he disagrees. I feel like I am already tapped out and my cup is empty trying to fairly distribute my time to my partners but it never feels like enough. When I have expressed this, he has insisted he isn't asking for that much more and we can definitely compromise and find a solution. But I don't have any more to give. I am consistently running myself out of spoons trying to manage this dynamic and I am exhausted trying to be fair to both my partners and be a good hinge.
Tyler believes I ended things without trying and we could have made it work. I don't personally see a way of being able to meet his needs with the distance and my other commitments at this point in my life. I feel so torn. I feel like I am doing the right thing and he will be able to find someone who can meet those needs, but he insists this breakup was a rash decision.
Am I doing the right thing? Was there a chance to make this work?
