Equality (throuple)-- what's realistic?

[Vylandra]

I'm in a closed triad relationship with a married couple. We feel a lot of respect and love for each other, with almost no jealousy and if we do have that kind of feeling we can reasonably speak about it. However there is one thing that I find hard to talk about. I'm curious how other closed married triad couples do this in life: the future finances and living arrangements with each other, and how to find some kind of equality in that.

They have a family, share everything together, and have couple privilege. I tried to talk about the future and how we see it, but they give me vague answers. They do want to have a future with me and love me, but the feelings occur to me that they don't want to change much in their lives.

I've read a lot of poly articles and listened to podcasts, but I can't seem to find much on closed triads and how they do arrangements with each other. I read in an article that many married couples make the mistake of seeing themselves as still married and how alignment thoughts need to stop if they have added a third love in their lives to make it successful. What are your thoughts and experiences? Am I being unrealistic to want and desire the same space/role in their lives and equality? I'm feeling insecure about my place in the relationship...

 

[Rechristening]

I don't have experience in this,0 but you are not being unrealistic. It makes sense. You are a closed triad and they are your partners and it sounds like they are being vague; maybe because they're scared about opening up the relationship in the financial direction and don't know how to approach it, or they don't see you as part of their life together in the long term.

Do you live with them? Have you guys introduced each other to your friends and family? If this has all happened, then the financial conversations, agreements and living arrangements are, quite possibly, the ribbon to tie it all together.

(Couple privilege should not be the rule of a triad, unless you all agree on that.)

I'm in the situation of a possible meet-up with a couple and I am thinking of all kinds of things I need to know before I get involved with them, so I am here, watching this space for whatever anyone else has to say. I won't ever be in a closed relationship again, so I won't have this situation to look into, but financial equality is important in my interactions with any possible friends and long-term lovers or partners. It doesn't make sense for me, otherwise.

If I were in your situation, I might want to think about opening up myself to other lovers/partners. If they are not serious about having a closed triad with equality, then seek out relationships that see you as an equal in every dynamic. Think about what makes you happy, as the only rules that apply in your happiness are no longer about what societal law dictates. You know what I mean? Design the relationships you want/desire.

Take care. xx

 

[Bobbi]

The first thing that's jumping out at me is the word "equal." Polyamory is NEVER equal and expecting that or trying to get it is deluding yourself. Love isn't equal. Income isn't equal. Time isn't equal. What you are looking for is equity.

This is the biggest issue when creating a triad from a couple, particularly a married couple. They have a bond, agreements, a life long before you, and kids. They want that unicorn to play with and love together on their terms, without regard to what that person wants or needs. It's a very one-sided and selfish relationship dynamic, where one person is almost always feeling like a third wheel, not quite part of the other two.

You have brought some feelings up and they have avoided really talking about it. They've given you vague answers. They do this because THEY are happy with how things are and THEY don't want to change it. They think if they can push things to the side, hopefully you'll be a good little unicorn and stop asking so they can have the life they want.

I would sit down and force them to give you answers, even if it's what you don't want to hear. Tell them what you envision for the future and what you want and ask if they can do that. If you don't get the answers you want and the actions on their part to make those changes, then end it.

You need to have a say in your relationship. Many couples think that triads are the best way to poly, but in fact they are poly on hard mode and rarely work.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Vylandra,

It can be a tough situation, when a couple is married (the monogamous ideal) and wants to add a woman to their marriage. Legally, you can't marry into this situation and you will always be a "third wheel" in that sense. But there are things they can do to help you feel included. They can make you an equal part of their finances. They can live with you in a situation where you have a fair share of living arrangements. They can give you an equal share with them and their family. They could make changes in their lives. And when you try to talk to them about the future, they can certainly give you concrete answers.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Vylandra]

I don't have experience in this but you are not being unrealistic. It makes sense. You are a closed triad and they are your partners and it sounds like they are being vague; maybe because they're scared about opening up the relationship in the financial direction and don't know how to approach it or they don't see you as part of their life together in the long term? Do you live with them? Have you guys introduced each other to your friends and family? If this has all happened than the financial conversations, agreements and living arrangements are, quite possibly, the ribbon to tie it all together.xx

(Couples privileges should not be the rule of a triad unless you all agree on that.)

I'm in the situation of a possible meet up with a couple and I am thinking of all kinds of things I need to know before I get involved with them, so I am here, watching this space for whatever anyone else has to say. I won't ever be in a closed relationship again, so I won't have this situation to look into but financial equality is important in my interactions with any possible friends and long term lovers or partners- it doesn't make sense, for me otherwise.

If I was in your situation, you might want to think about opening up yourself to other lovers/partners if they are not serious about the closed triad of equality than seek out relationships that see you as an equal in every dynamic. Think about what makes you happy, as the only rules that apply in your happiness are no longer about what societal law dictates, you know what I mean? Design the relationships you want/desire. Take care xxt

I don't have experience in this but you are not being unrealistic. It makes sense. You are a closed triad and they are your partners and it sounds like they are being vague; maybe because they're scared about opening up the relationship in the financial direction and don't know how to approach it or they don't see you as part of their life together in the long term? Do you live with them? Have you guys introduced each other to your friends and family? If this has all happened than the financial conversations, agreements and living arrangements are, quite possibly, the ribbon to tie it all together.xx

(Couples privileges should not be the rule of a triad unless you all agree on that.)

I'm in the situation of a possible meet up with a couple and I am thinking of all kinds of things I need to know before I get involved with them, so I am here, watching this space for whatever anyone else has to say. I won't ever be in a closed relationship again, so I won't have this situation to look into but financial equality is important in my interactions with any possible friends and long term lovers or partners- it doesn't make sense, for me otherwise.

If I was in your situation, you might want to think about opening up yourself to other lovers/partners if they are not serious about the closed triad of equality than seek out relationships that see you as an equal in every dynamic. Think about what makes you happy, as the only rules that apply in your happiness are no longer about what societal law dictates, you know what I mean? Design the relationships you want/desire. Take care xx

Thank you for your thoughts and answers. They've introduced me to their family, friends and children. They accept me as a part of their family and everything goes well in that area. My male partner could not handle the idea of me with another partner. My girlfriend is more open-minded, I believe. My male partner believes everything comes in a time and place, if the feelings stays this good, but gives no concrete answers how he sees it, just hypothetically for the future. We are 1,5 years together as a triad and I've known him for 3,5 years. So I believe i can ask certain questions at this stage of the relationship for clarity.

I agree with your point of view. I'm new at this and trying to figure it out what's realistic in this form of relationship and if it's enough for my happiness. Still, the monogamous husband-and-wife-mindset rules, I think, in the relationship. That needs to change to make it work. Our triad wasn't planned, so we couldn't think ahead and did everything on our feelings first to discover how things go/develop. We were surprised and overwhelmed by our feelings.

I hope your meeting goes well with the other couple and it's good that you think ahead for the future! Wishing you best of luck and happiness!

 

[Vylandra]

Hello Vylandra,

It can be a tough situation, when a couple is married (the monogamous ideal) and wants to add a woman to their marriage. Legally, you can't marry into this situation and you will always be a "third wheel" in that sense. But there are things they can do to help you feel included. They can make you an equal part of their finances. They can live with you in a situation where you have a fair share of living arrangements. They can give you an equal share with them and their family. They could make changes in their lives. And when you try to talk to them about the future, they can certainly give you concrete answers.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

Thank you for your answer Kevin !

 

[Vylandra]

The first thing that's jumping out at me is the word "equal." Polyamory is NEVER equal and expecting that or trying to get it is deluding yourself. Love isn't equal. Income isn't equal. Time isn't equal. What you are looking for is equity.

This is the biggest issue when creating a triad from a couple, particularly a married couple. They have a bond, agreements, a life long before you, and kids. They want that unicorn to play with and love together on their terms, without regard to what that person wants or needs. It's a very-one sided and selfish relationship dynamic, where one person is almost always feeling like a third wheel., not quite part of the other two.

You have brought some feelings up and they have avoided really talking about it or giving you vague answers. They do this because THEY are happy with how things are and THEY don't want to change it. They thing if they can push things to the side, hopefully you'll be a good little unicorn and stop asking so they can have the life they want.

I would sit down and force them to give you answers, even if it's what you don't want to hear. tell them what you envision for the future and what you want and ask if they can do that. If you don't get the answers you want and the actions on their part to make those changes then end it.

You need to have a say in your relationship. Many couples think that triads are the best way to poly, but, in fact, they are poly on hard mode and rarely work.

Thank you, Bobbi, for your thoughts! I get that is never going to be fully equal, with their history, marriage and other stuff. But I hope that they can acknowledge the privileges that they share and see my perspective and we can talk about it to make it more like one household and a little bit more equal, at least.

I agree it's poly in hard mode. I don't know much about how couples last in a triad. I believe every situation is unique and depends on how well you can communicate with each other. Still figuring things out on that part and how I feel about it. It's not about our love for each other, but if we manage to overcome the practical issues in the future. I will ask them.

Thank you.

 

[Warmknights]

The future finances and living arrangements with each other and how to find some kind of equality in that. They have a family, share everything together, and have couple privilege. I tried to talk about the future and how we see it, but they give me vague answers. They do want to have a future with me and love me, but the feeling occurs to me that they don't want to change much in their lives.

I cannot speak from an experienced point of view, although, it must be asked how you can exist not making provisions for what a standard setup would bring. It sounds one-sided to me, from your description. If it all goes wrong, where does that leave you, compared to how you would be left if a gay or straight relationship ended? You need some form of - forgive the term- prenup, to set out any future conditions, as you are all in it together. You are, after all, in a relationship together. You're not just some disposable marital aid.

 

[Warmknights]

I cannot speak from an experienced point of view, but it must be asked how you can exist not making the provisions for what a standard setup would bring. It sounds one-sided to me, from your description. If it all goes wrong, where does that leave you, compared to how you would be left if a gay or straight relationship ended? Some form of - forgive the term- prenup is needed to set out any future conditions, as you are all in it together. You are, after all, in a relationship together. You're not just some disposable marital aid.

Sorry if that last sentence was a bit strong, but some people really want to have their cake and eat it!

 

[Magdlyn]

One big reason why triads don't work is that the unicorn has very few rights. You didn't confirm that you all live together. But let's say you do.

Do you have your own room?
Do you have a right to redecorate common areas a bit, or add utensils you like in the kitchen or tool box?
Do you share finances, or does the couple share finances and you're on your own?
Do you pay rent and utilities?
Are you considered part of the family? Do you have visiting rights if someone goes to the hospital? Can they visit you?
Are you often left babysitting their kids?
Have they both met your friends and family?
Are they out as poly to their social circles?
Do you get individual dates with each partner, or are all your dates and sex threeways? Do they get one-on-one sex/dates but you do not?
Do you get an equal share in household decisions?

What else, specifically, do you want in the relationship?

I think after a year-and-a-half relationship, it's definitely time to look at the relationship escalator and see if you're all on the same floor and want to travel to the same floor.

If you don't live together, maybe you don't even WANT equality. But everyone deserves FAIRNESS.

 

[Vylandra]

The first thing that's jumping out at me is the word "equal". Polyamory is NEVER equal and expecting that or trying to get it is deluding yourself. Love isn't equal. Income isn't equal. Time isn't equal.

What you are looking for is equity.

This is the biggest issue when creating a triad from a couple, particularly a married couple. They have a bond, agreements, a life long before you, and kids. They want that unicorn to play with and love together on their terms without regard to what that person wants or needs.

It's a very one sided and selfish relationship dynamic where one person is almost always feeling like a third wheel. Not quite part of the other two.

You have brought some feelings up and they have avoided really talking about it or giving you vague answers. They do this because THEY are happy with how things are and THEY don't want to change it. They thing if they can push things to the side, hopefully you'll be a good little unicorn and stop asking so they can have the life they want.

I would sit down and force them to give you answers, even if it's what you don't want to hear. tell them what you envision for the future and what you want and ask if they can do that. If you don't get the answers you want and the actions on their part to make those changes then end it.

You need to have a say in your relationship. Couple's think that triads are the best way to poly but in fact they are poly on hard mode and rarely work.

Thank you, Bobbi, for your thoughts!

I get that is never going to be fully equal with their history, marriage and other stuff. But I hope that they can acknowledge the privileges that they share and see my perspective and we can talk about it to make it more like one household and a little bit more equal, at least. I agree it's poly on hard mode. I don't know much about how long couples last in a triad. I believe every situation is unique and depends on how well you can communicate with each other. I'm still figuring things out with that part and how I feel about it. It's not our love for each other, but if we manage to overcome the practical issues in the future. I will ask them.


Thank you.

 

[Vylandra]

The first thing that's jumping out at me is the word "equal". Polyamory is NEVER equal and expecting that or trying to get it is deluding yourself. Love isn't equal. Income isn't equal. Time isn't equal.

What you are looking for is equity.

This is the biggest issue when creating a triad from a couple, particularly a married couple. They have a bond, agreements, a life long before you, and kids. They want that unicorn to play with and love together on their terms without regard to what that person wan

One big reason why triads don't work is that the unicorn has very few rights. You didn't confirm that you all live together. But lets say you do.

Do you have your own room?
Do you have a right to redecorate common areas a bit, or add utensils you like in the kitchen or tool box?
Do you share finances, or does the couple share finances and you're on your own?
Do you pay rent and utilities?
Are you considered part of the family? Do you have visiting rights if someone goes to the hospital? Can they visit you?
Are you often left babysitting their kids?
Have they both met your friends and family?
Are they out as poly to their social circles?
Do you get individual dates with each partner, or are all your dates and sex threeways? Do they get one-on-one sex/dates but you do not?
Do you get an equal share in household decisions?

What else, specifically, do you want in the relationship?

I think after a year and a half relationship, it's definitely time to look at the relationship escalator and see if you're all on the same floor and want to travel to the same floor.

If you don't live together, maybe you don't even WANT equality. But everyone deserves FAIRNESS.

It's a very one-sided and selfish relationship dynamic, where one person is almost always feeling like a third wheel., not quite part of the other two.

You have brought some feelings up and they have avoided really talking about it or giving you vague answers. They do this because THEY are happy with how things are and THEY don't want to change it. They thing if they can push things to the side, hopefully you'll be a good little unicorn and stop asking so they can have the life they want.

I would sit down and force them to give you answers, even if it's what you don't want to hear. tell them what you envision for the future and what you want and ask if they can do that. If you don't get the answers you want and the actions on their part to make those changes then end it.

You need to have a say in your relationship. Couple's think that triads are the best way to poly but in fact they are poly on hard mode

One big reason why triads don't work is that the unicorn has very few rights. You didn't confirm that you all live together. But lets say you do.

Do you have your own room?
Do you have a right to redecorate common areas a bit, or add utensils you like in the kitchen or tool box?
Do you share finances, or does the couple share finances and you're on your own?
Do you pay rent and utilities?
Are you considered part of the family? Do you have visiting rights if someone goes to the hospital? Can they visit you?
Are you often left babysitting their kids?
Have they both met your friends and family?
Are they out as poly to their social circles?
Do you get individual dates with each partner, or are all your dates and sex threeways? Do they get one-on-one sex/dates but you do not?
Do you get an equal share in household decisions?

What else, specifically, do you want in the relationship?

I think after a year and a half relationship, it's definitely time to look at the relationship escalator and see if you're all on the same floor and want to travel to the same floor.

Hi Magdlyn,

We do not live together. I'm paying my own bills and I run my own household. I do not have kids. I don't have to watch their kids. They are already in puberty. We do no live near each other, and sometimes with the children's schedules and distance it is difficult to meet up.

They don't want any more children. That's a little hard for me. I love children, but was never in the right relationship for it. I can put that aside if the relationship is good and evolving. I'm already at a certain age (40) that makes it more difficult, and they are a little older.

We've met each other friends and family. We're out in our closed circle of friends and family. We do one-on-one dates with no issues. When I was just in the triad we had a very bad crisis and that impacted me a lot. I stood by them when most new partners probably wouldn't have and endured a lot. So for my part I proved my love and how loyal I was, standing by them. We evolved quickly from happy on clouds New relationship energy to real serious and heavy stuff to survive the storm.

We could not talk about where the relationship was going for a while and I've waited patiently. But now I want to know where we going with our lives and I'm still figuring out what's possible and if it could be a little near what they have or can build up to. They have been together since puberty and never dated seriously at this age. I don't think they understand fully how dating relationships work at this age. I'm not 17 to wait and see and have all the time in the world feeling when you're young to wing at it. Thank you for your time and thoughts.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

They have a family, share everything together, and have couple privilege. I tried to talk about the future and how we see it, but they give me vague answers. They do want to have a future with me and love me, but the feelings occur to me that they don't want to change much in their lives.

I think it's good you maintain your own household. In your shoes, I'd keep it that way. Most of the older couples I know do. They already did the marriage thing, the kid thing, and now they just want a life companion. They take turns sleeping over and helping at each other's houses, but they maintain their own households. Nesting isn't part of their deal.

What might change is moving to be closer together, like getting apartments or houses in the same complex.

Do not mix finances in any big way; a small way -- maybe, like saving up together for a vacation, but nothing big.

I suggest you talk to your partners about the relationships menu.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp

If you want to get married, it can't be with either or them. They are already married. So if that is something you want, I also suggest you rethink your closed triad. I am not sure why you promised to be closed in the first place. It's okay to change your mind on that and inform them that you want to date outside the triad to seek a marriage partner, or just because you want to.

They don't want any more children, so that's a little hard for me, I love children but was never in the right relationship for it.

You can have kids with another dating partner, or adopt. It doesn't have to be with them.

I read in an article that many married couples make the mistake of seeing themselves as still married and how alignment thoughts need to stop if they have added a third love in their lives to make it successful. What are your thoughts and experiences? Am I being unrealistic to want and desire the same space/role in their lives and equality? I'm feeling insecure about my place in the relationship.

They ARE married. They get to enjoy all the benefits of marriage, like filing taxes jointly, being each other's "next of kin" for hospital and other things, legal standing, inheritance, on and on.

Some couples divorce to level the playing field. Some groups talk to a lawyer about forming an LLC.

But you are NOT the "add on." They did NOT add you to their relationship; three other relationships were created.

Red + Blue existed before you and continues to exist. Just that, instead of only:

• Red + Blue

There is now:

• Red + Blue
• Red + you
• Blue + you
• Red + Blue + you -- getting along okay enough for basic polite.

NO group hang-outs, NO group sex. Neither of those are required in polyamory. Some people do it, but it is NOT required.

Talking about it like you were the "add on" to their relationship smacks of couple privilege and like (Red + Blue) always comes first. It doesn't. You will NOT ever be equal in the sense that they met first. That can't be helped. And it's not like they should break up to let the other dyads "catch up" in years.

Each dyad DOES deserve to have its own time and privacy, and be treated well/fairly though.

So we could not talk about where the relationship was going for a while and I've waited patiently. But now I wanna know where we going with our lives and I'm still figuring out what's possible and If it could be a little near what they have or can build up to

What would you want to change? Write it out. Then have the needed talks. See if your wants align with Red's wants and with Blue's wants. Ask for specific things. Go over the relationship menu together and tick the boxes for yourself. Red does it for Red. Blue does it for Blue. There could even be colors -- green for yes, yellow for maybe, red for no. Then compare what aligns and what does not.

Galagirl