Ethical poly? Need advice!

[Lotusflowerbomb]

Starting off with - transparent poly is ethical and cool! Done before, a decade ago, until other party decided to leave.

Fast forward. Newest party insisted they became pregnant in Jan 2023 and was adamant they were due in Sept/Oct. In June they said it was a baby girl and the Dr was checking on their due date. As the summer ended, they said they were really not due until February 2024 and the baby is a boy. (Do the math, they didn’t become pregnant until May 2023. Gender can’t be determined until 10 weeks at the earlier, most times 20 weeks)

The innocent child is not the concern, the integrity and authenticity of the newest party is.

There’s more, but thoughts so far????

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Lotusflowerbomb,

It's clear that this person lied to you (and may still be lying). However, I don't know what this person's reason was/is for lying. What was this (first) lie supposed to accomplish? I'm assuming they had some selfish objective. Even if they did it to "protect your feelings," it's still hard for me to imagine how it would not be better for you to know the truth right from the get-go. Certainly their dishonesty casts into doubt whether you can trust them in polyamorous matters. I'll refrain from further ruminations until I hear more of your story.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

The innocent child is not the concern, the integrity and authenticity of the newest party is.

There’s more, but thoughts so far????

It sounds like the newest party is telling you lies about their pregnancy. Are you the other parent-to-be, or not? Based on the scant info in this post, if it were me:

• I'd end the poly romantic relationship. I can't date a liar.
• If I am the other parent, I'd meet my coparenting obligations, but that's it. Be coparents only.
• If I'm not the other parent, I'm out that way, too.

You are right in that the innocent child is not the concern. They've done nothing wrong.

Galagirl

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

Hello Lotusflowerbomb,

It's clear that this person lied to you (and may still be lying). However, I don't know what this person's reason was/is for lying. What was this (first) lie supposed to accomplish? I'm assuming they had some selfish objective. Even if they did it to "protect your feelings," it's still hard for me to imagine how it would not be better for you to know the truth right from the get-go. Certainly their dishonesty casts into doubt whether you can trust them in polyamorous matters. I'll refrain from further ruminations until I hear more of your story.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks for your thoughts. Not sure what their reason was for lying. I am the other woman who was in a long term relationship with the father. We have children, as well. The other party and I had begun a friendship in summer 2023, with the goal of having a peaceful poly relationship with one man. During that time, she told me she used a “period tracker in June,” but at that time I didn’t think much of it because I was hopeful and not thinking she was someone who would had reason to be dishonest. I’d ask about her pregnancy, relating as a mother-- she’d be vague or elusive about the details. It didn’t come out until months later that she was not as far along as she initially claimed to be, not by a long shot.

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

I a

Sounds like the newest party is telling you lies about their pregnancy.

Are you the other parent-to-be? Or not?

Based on the scant info in this post? If it was me?

• I'd end the poly romantic relationship. I can't date a liar.
• If I'm the other parent, I'd meet my coparenting obligations but that's it. Coparents only.
• If I'm not the other parent? I'm out that way too.

You are right in that the innocent child is not the concern. They've done nothing wrong.

Galagirl

Thanks for responding. The relationship was separately poly, with one man and two women. She told him she was pregnant in Jan 2023, while I was also pregnant. I gave birth in June 2023. Shortly after that, she and I began a friendship to make the poly relationship more of a combined family. During the summer she maintained her pregnancy had been ongoing since Jan and she was in fact having a daughter. She said she was due in late summer/early fall. But then she began making comments about having to see a doctor to check on her due date. As September grew closer she revealed that she was actually not due until Feb and the baby was a boy. She gave birth this past Feb.

Based on her lack of truthfulness, I am choosing to no longer be a part of the poly relationship, because transparency is non-negotiable for me and I feel as though the situation was blatantly deceitful.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Lotusflowerbomb,

All I can figure is that she had some kind of pregnancy contest going, where she could be pregnant before you, or maybe she was trying to score points with him by making him think she had been pregnant for quite a while? I admit that's a long shot, but I just can't think of anything else.

I don't blame you for withdrawing from this relationship.
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me repeat back what I understand so far. You correct me if I get things wrong, okay?

I do better with things in chronological order. I also do better with using nicknames, just to make writing easier. I'm going with generic plants, but would be happy to change to something else, if you prefer. There are some parts I'm not clear on. Maybe you'd be willing to fill some of that in, but it's okay if you don't feel like it.

PEOPLE

• There's you -- Lotusflowerbomb. You have more than one kid with the hinge. It was a long-term relationship of ___ years.
• There's the man who is the hinge -- let's call him "Tree."
• There's the other lady -- let's call her "Rose." She has one kid with Tree, the hinge.

RELATIONSHIP MODEL

• This was a poly V. It used to be parallel (?), but then you tried to make it a combined family/KTP thing. Now you're broken up (?).

ISSUES

• Rose and Tree started dating on ____.
• Rose told Tree she was pregnant in Jan 2023, while you were also pregnant.
  • Rose also told you about it? Or Tree told you? Or both told you?
  • You were aware those two were trying to conceive. That didn't beak any shared agreements. (??)
• You gave birth in June 2023.
• Shortly after that, you and Rose tried to become better friends in order to build a combined larger family.
• As a recent mom yourself, and tying to be friendly, you'd ask Rose how her pregnancy was going/how she was feeling.
  • She’d be vague or elusive about the details.
  • It came out later she lied about being pregnant with a boy, with a pregnancy that started in Jan 2023.
  • It turned out she was pregnant with a girl, and that pregnancy actually started in June 2023.
    • Did Tree know and help her lie to you? Or was Rose lying to Tree also?
    • Rose gave birth Feb 2024 to a little girl.
• You value transparency and honesty in your poly relationships.
  • You did not get that here from Rose. She was lying to you.
  • Was Tree lying to you also?
  • As a result, to enforce your personal boundary?
    • You've decided to not be friends with Rose anymore.
    • You've decided to drop out of the poly V and break up with Tree; you're only coparents, and no longer involved romantically.

Is that how it went?

What advice would you like?

I think you did fine. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. You don't have to put up with lies or weirdness in your poly relationships.

Is it now about detangling and separating things and setting up coparenting with Tree? Is that what you need help with?

Galagirl

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

I do better with things in chronological order.

I also do better with names just to make writing easier. I'm going with generic plants.

PEOPLE

• There's you -- Lotusflowerbomb. You have more than one kid with hinge. It was a long term relationship of ___ years.
• There's the man who is the hinge -- let's call him "Tree."
• There's the other lady -- let's call her "Rose." She has one kid with hinge.

RELATIONSHIP MODEL

• This was a poly V. Used to be parallel (?) but then you tried to be a combined family/KTP thing. Now you're broken up (?)

ISSUES

• Rose and Tree started dating on ____.
• Rose told Tree she was pregnant in Jan 2023, while you were also pregnant.
  • Rose also told you about it? Or Tree told you? Or both told you?
  • You were aware those two were trying to conceive. That didn't beak any shared agreements. (??)
• You gave birth in June 2023
• Shortly after that, you and Rose tried to become better friends in order to build a combined larger family.
• As a recent mom yourself, and tying to be friendly, you'd ask Rose how her pregnancy was going/how she was feeling.
  • She’d be vague or elusive about the details.
  • It came out later she lied about being pregnant with a boy, with a pregnancy that started in Jan 2023.
  • Turns out she was pregnant with a girl, and that pregnancy actually started in June 2023.
    • Did Tree know and help her lie to you? Or was Rose lying to Tree also?
    • Rose gave birth Feb 2024 to a little girl.
• You value transparency and honesty in your poly relationships.
  • You did not get that here from Rose. She was lying to you.
  • Was Tree lying to you also?
  • As a result, to enforce your personal boundary?
    • You've decided to not be friends with Rose anymore.
    • You've decided to drop out of the poly V and break up with Tree. You're only coparents, no longer romantically involved.

Is that how it went? I think you did fine. our consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. You don't have to put up with lies/weird in your poly relationships.

Is it now about detangling and separating things and setting up coparenting with Tree? Is that what you need help with?

Tree and I have been together for over 10 years, several children. My most recent pregnancy began 10/2022; I gave birth 6/2023.

I was aware Tree was involved with Rose, but my understanding was that they were NOT trying to conceive. The Jan "pregnancy” was a surprise and unplanned. It caused issues between Tree and me. Rose was aware of the issues it caused. Tree maintains that he was under impression that the pregnancy that began in Jan 2023 was legit. He was told the baby was a boy.

Rose and I began our friendship in summer 2023, after I gave birth to my daughter. She maintained that she was carrying a baby girl and was due in late summer Sept/Oct. She made several comments that, in hindsight, supported a lack of honestly. In Sept, Rose shared with Tree that her due date was actually Feb and the baby was actually a boy. Tree shared this information with me. He was upset and said he was also lied to, but ultimately decided to look past the untruths for the “sake of the child.”

My question is, does anyone else sees this situation as deceitful and grounds enough to end the entire situation, including not wanting to merge my family with this individual, regardless of our children being siblings?

(There are other lies and weird situations that have occurred.)

I believe so. Even though some say my feelings are based on jealousy, I can assure you that is not the case.

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

Tree and I together for over 10 years, several children. Most recent pregnancy began 10/2022, gave birth 6/2023.

Was aware Tree was involved with Rose but my understanding is that they were NOT trying to conceive. “Jan pregnancy” was a surprise and unplanned. Caused issues between Tree and I. Rose was aware of the issues caused. Tree maintains that he was under impression that pregnancy since Jan 2023 was legit and was told the baby was a boy.

Rose and I began friendship in summer 2023, after I gave birth to my daughter. Maintained that she was carrying a baby girl and was due in late summer Sept/Oct. Made several comments - that in hindsight - support lack of honestly. In Sept, Ross shared with Tree that due date was actually Feb and baby was actually a boy. Tree shared this information with me. Was upset and says he was also lied to but ultimately has decided to look past the untruths for the “sake of the child.”

My questions is if anyone else sees this situation as deceitful and grounds enough to end the entire situation. Including not wanting to merge my family with this individual regardless of our children being siblings.
(There are other lies and weird situations that have occurred)

I believe so, even though some say my feelings are based on jealousy and I can assure you that is not the case

The children having a relationship is fine, but I don’t allow my children to be around ANY adult when their character is in question, and I don’t know who they authentically are.

Rose and I had not spoken for 5 months. She reached out randomly, attempting to love bomb the relationship between us, and in the same breath asked to move into my home for a “few weeks” while she found a new place to live. That showed a lack of character and “user” tendencies-- especially because she had not cared to maintain our relationship until she felt a need to benefit. For context, we are both in our mid-thirties and I have children ages from teenage years to infant.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info. So, updated, it it looks like:


PEOPLE

• Lotusflowerbomb. Mid-thirties. You have kids with Tree ranging from infant to teen. It was a long-term relationship of ___ years.
• "Tree" -- the man you both date, the hinge in this V
• "Rose." She has one kid with Tree.

RELATIONSHIP MODEL

• This was a poly V. Used to be parallel (?) but then you tried to be a combined family/KTP thing and are now broken up (?)

ISSUES

• Rose and Tree started dating on ____.
• Rose told Tree she was accidentally got pregnant in Jan 2023. It was unplanned.
  • You were aware those two were dating. But this unplanned pregnancy caused issues between you and Tree.
  • Rose is aware it caused issues.
• You gave birth in June 2023.
• Shortly after that, you and Rose tried to become better friends in order to build a combined larger family.
• As a recent mom yourself, and tying to be friendly, you'd ask Rose how her pregnancy was going/how she was feeling.
  • She’d be vague or elusive about the details.
  • It came out later in a series of lies that...
    • She lied about the accidental pregnancy in Jan 2023 and being pregnant with a boy.
    • Sept 2024: Rose tells Tree that her due date was instead actually Feb 2024, and still a boy.
      • Tree was upset over being lied to, but ultimately decided to look past the untruths for the “sake of the child.” (Does that mean Tree was still dating Rose?)
    • Rose gave birth Feb 2024 to a little girl.
• You value transparency and honesty in your poly relationships.
  • You did not get that here from Rose. She was lying to you.
  • Was Tree lying to you also?
  • As a result, to enforce your personal boundary?
    • You've decided to not be friends with Rose any more.
      • You believe she's a user who lacks character.
      • You two haven't really spoken in 5 mos, since May 2024.
      • She stopped talking to you until she wanted something again.
        • Rose has started reached out randomly.
          • Trying to love bomb you
          • Trying to move in for "a few weeks" while seeking a new place to live.
    • You've decided to drop out of the poly V and break up with Tree. You and Tree will be exes and coparents, but no longer involved romantically.
      • Tree says you dropping out is based on jealousy. (Does Rose say that too?)
        • This is not the case. There has been other weird stuff.
    • You have no issues with the half-siblings spending time together.
    • You DO have issues leaving your children in Rose's care due to all the lies.

QUESTION YOU WANT HELP WITH:

• Does anyone else see this situation as deceitful and grounds enough to end the entire situation
• Including not wanting to merge my family with this individual, regardless of our children being siblings?

MY RESPONSE

If it were me, I do think this is deceitful. I'd dump both Rose and Tree if Tree still wanted to date Rose after all this. I'd be kind to RoseChild if I bumped into her somehow. But I would not want a huge blended family any more. I'd do parallel families instead.

I'd have no issues with TREE taking our kids to play at his home with their half-sibling RoseChild (or siblings plural, if he has more kids by Rose). But I want some actual coparenting/child support agreements worked out first before he takes kids on his own.

I will not be babysitting for Tree if he needs help with RoseChild.

I will not be hosting Rose or RoseChild in my home. I won't be hosting Tree either.

I am willing to coordinate pick up/drop off for playdates, at the most. And really, I'd rather drive to the nearest McDonald's or Starbucks or something to do that, than deal with Tree or Rose on my porch.

Over time I might relax on that, but 2024 has been tumultuous, and I'd want strict boundaries for at least a year, for some space and separateness to heal in.

So, I still think you did fine, and you are right to end it with Rose.

Are you already broken up with Tree, or still thinking about it? All you need to do to break up is to say, "I don't want to do this any more." You don't have to justify it to him or "have a reason he finds good enough."

Does Tree still wants to date Rose after all this, or only take care of his coparenting responsibilities?

Galagirl

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

Thank you for more info. So updated it it looks like...


PEOPLE

• Lotusflowerbomb. Mid 30s. You have kids with Tree ranging from infant to teen. It was a long term relationship of ___ years.
• "Tree" -- the man you both date and is the hinge in this V
• "Rose." She has one kid with Tree.

RELATIONSHIP MODEL

• This was a poly V. Used to be parallel (?) but then trying to be a combined family/KTP thing and now broken up (?)

ISSUES

• Rose and Tree started dating on ____.
• Rose told Tree she was accidentally got pregnant in Jan 2023. It was unplanned.
  • You were aware those two were dating. But this unplanned pregnancy caused issues between you and Tree.
    Rose is aware it caused issues.
• You gave birth in June 2023
• Shortly aftert that you and Rose tried to become better friends in order to build a combined larger family.
• A recent mom yourself and tying to be friendly, you'd ask Rose how her pregnancy was going/how she was feeling.
  • She’d be vague or elusive about the details.
  • It comes out later she lied about being pregnant with a boy with a pregnancy that started in Jan 2023. It can out in a series of lies.
  • Sept 2024: Ross shared with Tree that due date was actually Feb and baby was actually a boy.
    • Tree was upset over being lied to, but ultimately has decided to look past the untruths for the “sake of the child.”
  • Rose gave birth Feb 2024 to a little girl.
• You value transparency and honesty in your poly relationships.
  • You did not get that here from Rose. She was lying to you.
  • Was Tree lying to you also?
  • As a result? To enforce your personal boundary?
    • You've decided to not be friends with Rose any more.
      • You believe she's a user who lacks character.
      • You two haven't really spoken in 5 mos. (Since May 2024).
      • She stopped talking to you til she wants something again.
        • Rose has started reached out randomly.
          • Trying to love bomb you
          • Trying to move in for "a few weeks" while seeking a new place to live.
    • You've decided to drop out of the poly V and break up with Tree. Only coparents but no longer involved.
    • Tree says you dropping out is based on jealousy. (Does Rose say that too?)
      • It is not the case. There has been other weird stuff.
    • You have no issues with the half siblings spending time together.
    • You DO have issues leaving your children in Rose's care due to all the lies.

I still think you are right to end it with Rose.

Are you already broken up with Tree? Or thinking about it?

Does Tree still wants to date her after all this? Or only do coparenting responsibilities?

Galagirl

Tree and I are on edge. He doesn’t want to end it with either of us. I am adamant that I am not comfortable in a relationship with someone whose character and motives are in question for me. (No one is perfect. However, these are major red flags.) Especially her, knowing the Jan "pregnancy” caused a riff between Tree and me, and it was actually all a lie that she maintained until it became true.

There is a whole web of lies that I could go into detail about, but won’t right now.

Of course, when I mention my concerns to Tree, he can sometimes be defensive, as if I’m speaking out of jealousy, or as if I am calling him stupid for believing her lies. I realize I’m not the best messenger, given my position in his life. He hasn’t really told any of his family nor male family members about her or the child. My guess is because he knows their sentiments would be the same if they knew the full truth, as well.

Long story short, while I want to separate myself, Tree doesn’t want to end our relationship and claims he is “still getting to know her.” (He's known me since 2011, her since 2021.) He maintains their relationship to be in his kid's life. I call bs and don’t want to be a part of the circus. Lol.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

Tree and I are on edge. He doesn’t want to end it with either of us. I am adamant that I am not comfortable in a relationship with someone whose character and motives are in question for me.

It doesn't really matter what he wants. All YOU need to do to break up and not do this poly V, if he's going to keep dating her, is to decide: "I don't want to do this anymore."

If you are not sure, you could tell Tree you want a trial separation for a year, and perhaps do couples counseling to see if you two can reconcile or if this is best ended. Unless you already KNOW this is best ended, and it's just him having trouble accepting your decision and going through the break-up stages of grief in which case he might want to talk to a counselor just for him. As the soon-to-be-ex (STBX), you don't have to help him with his break-up grief. You have your own break-up emotions to manage. If you need support, you can get a counselor for just you. The older children might need family therapy, as well. Even if this isn't a legal divorce, it's similar enough, if the parents are splitting up.

Long story short, while I want to separate myself, Tree doesn’t want to end our relationship and claims he is “still getting to know her.” (He's known me since 2011, her since 2021.) He wants to maintain their relationship to be in his kid's life. I call bs and don’t want to be a part of the circus.

Correct. It's not your circus.

Just because Tree can't be decisive about his next choices, doesn't mean YOU can't make up your mind on things and be decisive about YOUR next choices. You are allowed to have your limit of tolerance and your dealbreakers. It sounds like you've hit a bunch of them. So break the deal.

Galagirl

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

Thank you for more info. So updated it it looks like...


PEOPLE

• Lotusflowerbomb. Mid 30s. You have kids with Tree ranging from infant to teen. It was a long term relationship of ___ years.
• "Tree" -- the man you both date and is the hinge in this V
• "Rose." She has one kid with Tree.

RELATIONSHIP MODEL

• This was a poly V. Used to be parallel (?) but then trying to be a combined family/KTP thing and now broken up (?)

ISSUES

• Rose and Tree started dating on ____.
• Rose told Tree she was accidentally got pregnant in Jan 2023. It was unplanned.
  • You were aware those two were dating. But this unplanned pregnancy caused issues between you and Tree.
  • Rose is aware it caused issues.
• You gave birth in June 2023
• Shortly aftert that you and Rose tried to become better friends in order to build a combined larger family.
• A recent mom yourself and tying to be friendly, you'd ask Rose how her pregnancy was going/how she was feeling.
  • She’d be vague or elusive about the details.
  • It comes out later in a series of lies that...
    • She lied about the accidental pregnancy in Jan 2023 and being pregnant with a boy
    • Sept 2024: Rose tells Tree that due date was actually Feb instead 2024. Still a boy.
      • Tree was upset over being lied to, but ultimately has decided to look past the untruths for the “sake of the child.” (Does that mean Tree is still dating Rose?)
    • Rose gave birth Feb 2024 to a little girl.
• You value transparency and honesty in your poly relationships.
  • You did not get that here from Rose. She was lying to you.
  • Was Tree lying to you also?
  • As a result? To enforce your personal boundary?
    • You've decided to not be friends with Rose any more.
      • You believe she's a user who lacks character.
      • You two haven't really spoken in 5 mos. (Since May 2024).
      • She stopped talking to you til she wanted something again.
        • Rose has started reached out randomly.
          • Trying to love bomb you
          • Trying to move in for "a few weeks" while seeking a new place to live.
    • You've decided to drop out of the poly V and break up with Tree. You and Tree will be exes and coparents but no longer involved romantically.
      • Tree says you dropping out is based on jealousy. (Does Rose say that too?)
        • It is not the case. There has been other weird stuff.
    • You have no issues with the half siblings spending time together.
    • You DO have issues leaving your children in Rose's care due to all the lies.

QUESTION YOU WANT HELP WITH

• Does anyone else sees this situation as deceitful and grounds enough to end the entire situation?
• Including not wanting to merge my family with this individual regardless of our children being siblings?

If it was me?

I do think this is deceitful. And I'd dump both Rose and Tree. I'd be kind to RoseChild if I bump into her somehow.

But I would not want a huge blended family any more. I'd do parallel families instead.

I'd have no issues with TREE taking our kids to play at his home with the half sibling or siblings if he has more kids by Rose. But I want some actual coparenting/child support agreements worked out first before he takes kids on his own.

I will not be babysitting for Tree if he needs help with RoseChild.

I will not be hosting Rose or RoseChild in my home. Coordinating pick up/drop off at the most, and really I'd rather drive to the nearest McDonald's to do that than deal with her even on my porch.

Over time I might relax that, but 2024 has been tumult, and I'd want strict boundaries for at least a year as I live into the break up and sort things out with Tree about coparenting.

So I still think you did fine. And you right to end it with Rose.

Are you already broken up with Tree? Or thinking about it? All you need to break up is "I don't want to do this any more." You don't have to justify it to him or "have a reason he finds good enough."

Does Tree still wants to date her after all this? Or only do coparenting responsibilities?

Galagirl

Thank you for helping to validate my gut feelings. 2023 & 2024 have been tumultuous, indeed.

Rose actually moved out of state in Jan 2024 before giving birth to their son (whom she previously claimed was a girl, even though scientifically she couldn’t have known the gender, given her true pregnancy timeline; and it was a boy).

She has been looking for a new living arrangement since June 2023.

She moved in Jan 2024 back to her home state, and gave birth in Feb 2024. This was due to her inability to secure living arrangements locally. I also think this was irresponsible and contrary to wanting to start a family with a man who was already established in the state where we live.

I often had disagreements with Tree because I felt like he should’ve done more to help someone pregnant with his child.

Anyway, they have maintained a long-distance relationship since.

This is what led to her asking to live in my home in May 2024. I did not want it to turn into a squatter situation, and kindly just said “it was not feasible.” She then lashed out and shared that she and Tree had previously discussed it and “he told her to ask me,” as if it was an orchestrated arrangement. She said I should’ve put my insecurities to the side because he wanted her there and wanted his family together. He claims he didn’t think I would say yes anyway, and thought it would be a good opportunity for her and me to begin communicating again.

(I’m the sole homeowner.) At that time, I felt they tried to pull a fast one on me, so I ended all contact with her, and he and I officially separated.

Tree makes mention of us all one day living together under one roof, meaning I'd rent out the home I own, and our six kids and I would move into a larger home with him and her. I completely disagree with that. Either way, those are only dreams, and no steps are being taken to accomplish that on his end.

While Tree has never spoken to both of us at the same time, it feels like triangulation, because there are often “he said, she said” comments that seem malicious and divisive from her when she felt the need to lash out and create doubt about Tree's motives.

Regardless of what Tree wants to do, I just can’t see myself turning a blind eye, or the other cheek rather, to continue to be lied to and manipulated. Even if she and I don’t speak, I’m not comfortable sharing with her anymore, given the experience thus far.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for airing out.

Tree sounds like a sloppy hinge. He's not stepping up for the mother of RoseChild. Then he "passed the buck" with this:

she then lashed out and shared that she and Tree had previously discussed it and “he told her to ask me,” as if it was an orchestrated arrangement.

He's basically allergic to taking personal responsibility on both counts.

She said I should’ve put my insecurities to the side because he wanted her there and wanted his family together.

Funny how he can't just set her up in a flat and be a hinge who lives in two homes, with RoseFamily over there, and LotusFamily over here.

Funny how she can't just get it together and set up that flat herself, and invite him to live with her part time.

He claims he didn’t think I would say yes.

So he wanted to tell her "no," but left it for YOU to do for him? Again, allergic to taking personal responsibility.

He thought it would be a good opportunity for her and me to begin communicating again.

WHAT? After all the lies, it's going to "make nice" between you when Rose says she wants to live in your house?

You don't sound insecure to me. You sound like the most secure and solid parent there. You also sound like the sanest one there, amid all the wacky.

I’m the sole homeowner.

So basically, Tree wanted to invite Rose to live here. Tree sent HER to do the talks with you, instead of doing it himself, leading her to think it was a done deal. So if it panned out, great for him. But he didn't have to do the talks with you. He'd just get the benefits.

Or if you told her no, he didn't have to tell her no. He didn't have to do that talk with Rose. So that works out great for him TOO, because he didn't have to do it and he'd get the benefits.

So weird, this hinge who fobs off his hinge jobs on the other two.

At that time, I felt they tried to pull a fast one on me. So I ended all contact with her, and he and I officially separated.

I agree this is all weird sounding. You don't have to be involved in weird things. And you have enough actual kids of your own. You don't need to become a "parent" to RoseChild, Rose, and Tree on top of it!

Is Tree moved out already, or working on it?

GG

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

I hope you feel better for airing out.

Tree sounds like a sloppy hinge. Not stepping up for the mother of RoseChild. Then "passing the buck" with the whole


thing. Basically allergic to taking personal responsibility on both counts.



Funny how he can't just set her up in a flat and be a hinge who lives in two homes. He has RoseFamily over there. And he has LotusFamily over here.

Funny how she can't just get it together and set up that flat herself. And invite him to live with her part time.



So he wanted to tell her "No" but left it for YOU to do for him? Again, allergic to taking personal responsibility.



WHAT? After all the lies, it's going to "make nice" between you when Rose says she wants to live here in your house?

You don't sound insecure to me. You sound like the most secure and solid parent there. You also sound like the sanest one there amid all the wacky.



So basically Tree wanted to invite Rose to live here. And sent HER to do the talks instead of him. So if it pans out, great for him. But he didn't have to do it.

Or if you told her no? He didn't have to tell her no. So that works out great for him TOO. Because he didn't have to do it.

So weird. This hinge who fobs off his hinge jobs on the other two.



I agree they are trying to pull a fast one. And you have enough kids of your own. You don't need to become "parent" to RoseChild, Rose, and Tree on top of it!

Is Tree moved out already? Or working on it?

GG

Tree has moved out. He says he hasn’t told Rose that he is no longer living here. He even once said that he didn’t tell her because then she’d want to make arrangements to cohabitate with him. I am thinking now he wants his own place alone, or to invite her or me in, versus working together. Idc, I have my own home.

I agree - I was very offended that he didn’t just tell her NO to begin with, and instead wanted me to play “the bad guy” by being the one to say no. I'm also not sure why he thought such an uncouth thing like asking to live with someone after not speaking for months would help a relationship. Smh.

Even after knowing about her pregnancy “scandal,” and the excuses she made for how the timeline shifted, I chose to move forward and still made an attempt to be friends with her. When she moved out of state the relationship ended, until she reached out again in May.

Since then, he and I still coparent, including him staying the night occasionally to help with the morning school-day rush. But I don’t fully trust him, nor his ability to make sound decisions when it comes to the people he partners with.

 

[GalaGirl]

Tree has moved out. Says he hasn’t told Rose that he is no longer living here. Even once said that he didn’t tell her because then she’d want to make arrangements to cohabitate with him. I am thinking now he wants his own place alone or to invite her or I in, versus working together. Idc, I have my own home.

Yup. Check out. Tell him not to overshare TMI details.

How Tree runs his new home or his continuing relationship with Rose, you are out of all that. You don't have to know this stuff. You don't have to deal in Rose anymore.

Since then, he and I still coparent, including him staying the night occasionally to help with morning school-day rush

Keep it to that, coparenting only.

I don’t fully trust him, nor his ability to make sound decisions when it comes to the people he partners with.

It's fine that you don't fully trust him. He made some choices. Natural consequences follow.

After all this tumult, why would you trust him to the same level? It's okay he's on lower-level trust now.

I don't trust a toddler to go across the street to get the mail. I'd trust a middle schooler to do that. But I don't trust them to stay alone in the house for a week. It's okay to have "levels" of trust. Sometimes people move up and you trust them with more things. Sometimes they move down and you trust them with less things. You used to trust him to a high level and now it's lower level only. That's fair. He might not LIKE it, but it is fair. YOU get to decide where your trust levels are.

You also don't have to trust in his ability to make sound decisions when it comes to the people he partners with. You aren't his partner like that anymore.

I'm sorry though. 2023-2024 sounded full of wacky. I'm glad you are getting you out of it now. I am hoping your 2025 turns the corner and is less tumultuous.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

I'm finding myself shocked that it was believed that someone only 3 months pregnant was getting away with saying she was 7 months along. I mean, it can be rare, but most 7-months pregnant women LOOK obviously pregnant. I'm also wondering if it all was a manipulation to get Tree to not use any protection. Why, when you are already pregnant, right? Then that act of deception was on purpose to actually get pregnant. The only problem was, it took a few months.

If I were Tree, I wouldn't want anything to do with a calculating person like that. All of this sounds too much. I'm just shocked she got away with it and you both still have her around in one way or another.

I totally get you not trusting his judgment of partners. I wouldn't.

You do you, create your own boundaries regarding yourself and your children, and own it.

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

I'm finding myself shocked that it was believed that someone only 3 months pregnant was getting away with saying she's 7 months along. I mean, it can be rare, but most 7-months pregnant women LOOK obviously pregnant. I'm also wondering if it all was a manipulation to get Tree to not use any protection. Why, when you are already pregnant, right? Then that act of deception was on purpose to actually get pregnant. The only problem was, it took a few months.

If I were Tree, I wouldn't want anything to do with a calculating person like that. All of this sounds too much. I'm just shocked she got away with it and you both still have her around in one way or another.

I totally get you not trusting his judgment of partners. I wouldn't.

You do you, create your own boundaries regarding yourself and your children, and own it.

Your points are valid. To answer your question, the other party is overweight. I recall summer 2023 when I asked how many weeks pregnant she was, she kinda spat out “24 weeks” and didn’t make eye contact with me. I remember thinking her response was odd. As a mom myself, I know most mothers beam to share how many weeks pregnant they are. Anyway, because of her physique/weight, there was no way I could deny if she was 24 weeks or not. (And at that time, I had no reason to think she’d be lying.)

 

[Lotusflowerbomb]

Your points are valid. To answer your question, the other party is over weight. I recall summer 2023 when I asked how many weeks pregnant she was, she kinda spat out “24 weeks” and didn’t make eye contact with me. I remember thinking her response was odd, As a mom myself, I know most mothers beam to share how many weeks pregnant they are. Anyway - because of her physique/weight, there was no way I could deny if she was 24 weeks or not. (And at that time, I had no reason to think she’d be lying)

When she said she was 24 weeks in June/July 2023, she was actually only approx 6-8 weeks pregnant

 

[Evie]

I'm also wondering if it all was a manipulation to get Tree to not use any protection. Why, when you are already pregnant, right? Then that act of deception was on purpose to actually get pregnant. The only problem was, it took a few months.

I second this.