I would like to get opinions on an ethics question. (Still figuring out “do I need to give up dating poly people, or do I just need to relate differently”?
I’ve been the non-established partner often, and a common thread in my experiences is that when the relationship starts to go deep in new and uncharted territory, this happens:
Person-I’m-with feels something is totally reasonable and appropriate to where we are and offers it. From something in sex to medical support to vacations to an invitation to a barbecue. This gets mentioned to a meta, who freaks out because THEY don’t think it reasonable— and something about it has been something partner-in-common hasn’t taken into account. (Their feelings are obviously valid.) Or alternatively plans are made with me, but there are other expectations partner-in-common didn’t know about, and meta expects that the expectations should have been heard or known (which meta is right about- a check- in was obviously needed, if not anticipated.)
They start discussions. Partner lets me know this is now up in the air, or has been decided a certain way.
Inevitably, I feel that as a betrayal, which no one expects. Or expects and accepts, but see as the best solution to an impossible solution. That often grates enough that it changes the relationship, or highlights this is not the egalitarian relationship I really expect from my partners.
Thinking about it, the only thing that would not feel like a betrayal is this:
“1234567, I’d like to talk to you. Wen I invited you to do x with me, I meant it. I’m finding meta has some feeling about it. This is her side. *Any changes I make will affect you, so it’s really important to me that I know what is important to you in this situation. I’m really sorry to put you in this position, and that I didn’t anticipate the possible conflict. What is important to you in what we agreed, and is there any wiggle room to also meet meta’s needs?”
My questions are twofold: if you were either the meta or partner, how would you feel about that approach and why? (I obviously would feel good in all roles in that.)
How doable would it be? Assume Meta is in a state of freak-out; partner is in a state of fear and dread that this might end their long-standing relationship, and there is some truth in that. Am I asking the impossible of people- or is this a reasonable, if high and mature, standard?
I know this seems to be my boundary, and not negotiable, whether or not it is doable— I’m just wondering if it’s anyone’s modus iperandi, Or any established partners feel it would be welcomed. It seems unusual in poly round me, or at least unexpected. least unexpected.
I assume that it might be wise to communicate MY expectations ahead of time- that I would feel anything else as a betrayal; that I would expect that if there was a unilateral decision made, it wasn’t valid without opening it up to discussion with me, and that most likely, a unilateral decision would be a dealbreaker if that occurred. And that this should be open to discussion by not only me and my date, but anyone in their circle that would be affected by this.
Thoughts?
I’ve been the non-established partner often, and a common thread in my experiences is that when the relationship starts to go deep in new and uncharted territory, this happens:
Person-I’m-with feels something is totally reasonable and appropriate to where we are and offers it. From something in sex to medical support to vacations to an invitation to a barbecue. This gets mentioned to a meta, who freaks out because THEY don’t think it reasonable— and something about it has been something partner-in-common hasn’t taken into account. (Their feelings are obviously valid.) Or alternatively plans are made with me, but there are other expectations partner-in-common didn’t know about, and meta expects that the expectations should have been heard or known (which meta is right about- a check- in was obviously needed, if not anticipated.)
They start discussions. Partner lets me know this is now up in the air, or has been decided a certain way.
Inevitably, I feel that as a betrayal, which no one expects. Or expects and accepts, but see as the best solution to an impossible solution. That often grates enough that it changes the relationship, or highlights this is not the egalitarian relationship I really expect from my partners.
Thinking about it, the only thing that would not feel like a betrayal is this:
“1234567, I’d like to talk to you. Wen I invited you to do x with me, I meant it. I’m finding meta has some feeling about it. This is her side. *Any changes I make will affect you, so it’s really important to me that I know what is important to you in this situation. I’m really sorry to put you in this position, and that I didn’t anticipate the possible conflict. What is important to you in what we agreed, and is there any wiggle room to also meet meta’s needs?”
My questions are twofold: if you were either the meta or partner, how would you feel about that approach and why? (I obviously would feel good in all roles in that.)
How doable would it be? Assume Meta is in a state of freak-out; partner is in a state of fear and dread that this might end their long-standing relationship, and there is some truth in that. Am I asking the impossible of people- or is this a reasonable, if high and mature, standard?
I know this seems to be my boundary, and not negotiable, whether or not it is doable— I’m just wondering if it’s anyone’s modus iperandi, Or any established partners feel it would be welcomed. It seems unusual in poly round me, or at least unexpected. least unexpected.
I assume that it might be wise to communicate MY expectations ahead of time- that I would feel anything else as a betrayal; that I would expect that if there was a unilateral decision made, it wasn’t valid without opening it up to discussion with me, and that most likely, a unilateral decision would be a dealbreaker if that occurred. And that this should be open to discussion by not only me and my date, but anyone in their circle that would be affected by this.
Thoughts?
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