Events/holidays in a parallel poly relationship

C

Camila

New member
I’m curious what other people have done or what is reasonable in a parallel relationship when it comes to holidays and family events. We tried being a throuple and it didn’t work out, and now we are completely parallel. Wondering what works for others and what’s fair to ask for.
 
Hello Camila,

Generally my suggestion is to take turns, e.g., Person-A and Person-B together for Thanksgiving one year, Person-A and Person-C the next year, and Person-B and Person-C the next (if those two are involved with each other). Which I know is like a three-year cycle, which is a long time, so say whoever isn't getting Thanksgiving will get Christmas -- something to that effect.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
 
You can rotate, like Kevin said. Depending on if people can hang out or not, I'll sometimes host and leave it up to my partners if they want to attend or not. I usually host Thanksgiving, and all are welcome, but not required to attend. We are parallel, but cordial enough to be in the same space for special events. This has gone well and we've had positive experiences.

Also, talk to your partners. You might find one prefers a Christmas Eve celebration and one prefers Christmas Day; one wants Valentine's Day and one wants 4th of July. It might work itself out without trying, or maybe you'll just need to figure out one holiday per year.

Camila said:
What’s fair to ask for?
Click to expand...
It's fair to have a conversation about your preferences (what you would like), to see if there are any must-haves (what's important to you, like your birthday, anniversary) and about what you are willing to do (what you can live with, compromise), knowing that there are others involved.

If something is of particular importance, let them know and why. It won't guarantee you get it, but at least others can be given the chance to accommodate.
 
I think taking turns makes sense. Also, a lot of extended family events are on alternative dates vs the actual holiday so some balance might be possible if the person that is in 2 relationships and feasibly attend events with both partners. If it is the person with 2 partners whose family is hosting something... yeah. Take turns or decide who would enjoy which event most.
 
Personally, I’d rather not have someone doing something out of fairness, whether it’s a date or a holiday event. And I’ve had it happen in both. The time, energy and money involved for someone to host my holiday celebrations is too great for people to show up out of feeling obligated or for fairness. I'd have the tough conversation about who cares and who doesn’t, what’s important and what's not.
 
This is not specific to poly - blended families, families with partnered adult siblings. Be flexible and realize that you are not obligated to attend every event you are invited to. For instance, I don't go to weddings, funerals, baby showers, bridal showers etc., for anyone other than my immediate family. My family is incredibly flexible, so we just always plan to do our get-togethers the Saturday before or after the holiday, so people are free to do the holiday with their in-laws, by themselves, or not at all. We celebrate all of the spring birthdays when we get together around Easter and the fall birthdays around Thanksgiving.

I think similar sorts of general flexibility can work for poly peeps too. Kids' stuff comes first, if applicable, then adults can request the holidays or days that are meaningful for them personally. Easter is my least favorite holiday. I don't do Valentine's day, my birthday or anniversaries. I like 4th of July! And the School Bus Demolition Derby at the County Fair the 3rd Wednesday in August!

JaneQ
 
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