Ever lose your primary to another relationship?

W

worldsapart

New member
It looks like that's how things are shaping up.... my wife and I - married for >10 years and "officially" poly for the last 6 of those years, though not always practicing - are going through a major family restructuring. Though I did not learn of this until a week ago, she wants to move out with our son to live with her bf of 3 months. I am 100% supportive of her relationship (as she has been with most of mine), specifically because I can tell he is good for her and she is very happy and in love with him. However - and here's where the recent conflict occurred - he does not really want a poly situation in effect, and neither does she. Yet until last week she essentially led me to believe that everything was fine and that her relationship was an integrating new part of our poly configuration (I also have a gf). When the truth came out, she had apparently been placing ads on CL looking for housing for them. She had characterized our relationship to her new bf as "she had *tried* to be poly, for my sake, but she just didn't really feel that way."

As I mentioned, this was all news to me, and did not come out until I came across an open email on her computer. I felt very betrayed and hurt, and we fought for a bit over messenger then later were able to talk more calmly in person about everything. She was "waiting for the perfect time" to tell me about everything - the planned move-out, her changes in feelings and needs, etc. She has been an admitted 'extreme conflict-avoider' in most areas of life due to childhood stuff, and communication has always been difficult at times; so taking this into context mitigated some of my frustration and hurt. But it still hurts, obviously. I devoted so much of my life and myself to her, seriously worked on improving myself and changed myself for her, etc. But what I feel like, at this point, that I was just a 10-year stepping-stone for her to play at something for awhile and then go on to another repeating cycle of serial monogamy. Just wondering if anyone else here could relate or maybe has had a similar circumstance....

:/
 
worldsapart said:
But what I feel like, at this point, that I was just a 10-year stepping-stone for her to play at something for awhile and then go on to another repeating cycle of serial monogamy.
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The poly part of your questions aside:

This is common to feel in the initial stages of a separation, but I assure you that there is a lot more depth to your marriage. There has to be. 10 years is a significant relationship and no mere stepping stone. We all learn, grow and sometimes move on from people with whom we once felt a sweet harmony. Perhaps your wife indeed realizes that poly is not a relationship choice that speaks to her heart after all, but that doesn't diminish the value of your time spent together. You're in tremendous pain right now, but don't doubt for a second that your marriage is an important relationship to each of you.
 
How on earth did she come to be so duplicitious and unrealistic?

Househunting with her bf of THREE MONTHS, behind your back?

Thinking it would be ok with you, or the courts, to move your shared son into a home with some guy she barely knows?

I can't even get past these 2 things.

You say she's always been conflict avoidant. Sure sounds like it! Poly doesn't work without open and honest communication.

Sorry you've been blindsided like this! Wow.
 
Hi worldsapart,

Sorry you are going through this upheaval. All I can think is that maybe your wife has decided that you're polyamorous and she's monogamous and for that reason she should break up with you, and hook up with someone -- her boyfriend as it happens -- who she believes will want to be monogamous with her. But even that, I'm just shooting in the dark. It does seem apparent that she is undergoing a big change of some kind.

How old is your son? Does he want to move out with her? Just wondering.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you everyone for the kind replies and perspective. I think she realizes as well that there has been a lot more depth and investment in our marriage, and I know she values it greatly. But also she has this tendency to "bounce out" when things get stressful or past her fairly low conflict threshhold; if she can't escape somehow, she breaks down. The "duplicitous and unrealistic" comment actually made me LOL, because her duplicitousness - which she readily admits to - has always been a topic of discussion between us. She is a triple-Gemini, if that says anything.... but I am a double-Leo and I do not give up easily if ever, nor am I really going anywhere, so it's more just dealing with bittersweet emotions as they arise I guess.

Our son is 9, and high-functioning on the autism spectrum (pretty typical aspie in some ways), and he has been in on the conversation after it all came out recently. He likes mom's BF, and has been especially happy about her overnights at his house, because he gets to stay home with me and his older sister, and really enjoys the bonding time. We'll be in the same town when they do end up moving, and so the time factor probably won't change too much. There are a lot of messy details to work out obviously, and part of why she wants to move rather than invite the BF into our place and me leave, is because she's grown overwhelmed with the place (it's kind of like a small homestead in some ways, and requires some maintenance) and wants a fresh start. Which also feels like a dick move to me in some ways, because that leaves me and my 18-yo daughter with buku cats and chickens and dogs and having to carry the rent ourselves, but again, I support her pursuing her happiness and I have grown used to "rolling with whatever" in life. It's just what I do.
 
Had been in a similar situation of sorts last year, when my allegedly polyfriendly partner found someone and decided to dump me. He regretted it immediately and we went through a rough patch and he broke off with her. We had been going through rough times and he felt overwhelmed by our situation as well and wanted a fresh start. He too has communication issues and tends to avoid confrontations as well. This leads to him also being easily influenced by new factors and making decisions based on incomplete thinking through (for lack of a better descriptor).

I can see that you have accepted her choices and support her anyway, though it has blindsided you and hurt you very badly. All I can think of at this point is that there is a good reason NRE is a tricky time to do things like move in with someone. Three months is a fairly new relationship to be gambling so much on. Unless she had been looking to exit your marriage for a while and took the chance when she got it, it is really fast moving, particularly given an existing marriage and kids to disrupt. It sort of reminds me of our situation where it was easier to break off the existing relationship than have a very difficult conversation on what he really wanted. Even his brief "break off" that lasted 24 hours devastated him and still sends him into unconditional apologies. Perhaps what she really wants is to have one on one time with her NRE away from the monotony of daily routines? Do you think she'd have been able to broach a conversation of this sort if she needed it?

I would suggest that you speak with your partner directly about the relationship between the two of you (as opposed to her new relationship being monogamous and her moving out). What does she feel about you? Does she still feel attracted to you, etc. It won't be an easy conversation to bring up, given her actions, but when you have a 10 year relationship, heartbreak and broken family on the other side, it doesn't harm to make extra effort to be sure that she wishes to leave you and is not just taking the easy way out of a difficult communication. If she does love you, perhaps this is more a phase. If on the other hand, she does not love you... well you've accepted that eventuality anyway.

If possible in your situation, I'd recommend counselling. Not to save marriage or that sort of thing, just to help think things through clearly and ensure communication.
 
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After 3 months she is still in NRE with a guy who doesn't want poly. She will probably end up regretting her decision. I say this as a guy who used to be a serial monogamist. I dated someone who tried to convince me to leave my wife. I almost went there but realized I wasn't thinking straight.
 
So just a bit of an update on the situation, she without a doubt wants a divorce because she and her new guy want to get married as soon as they can, so that's what I'm doing tomorrow, dealing with getting that whole messy ball rolling. Everything I completely did not want to happen, seems to be happening. The lessons that will emerge from all this I'm sure will be enormous for me, so I guess there is that silver lining.... :/

I've come across several more pieces of information (because she doesn't ever delete her browsing history on our shared family PC, and well, it's the only way that I can ever get *any* information...) which are particularly troublesome and worrying to me, regarding her new relationship. I made the decision to sit on it quietly and just see what comes of it - if she can go a decade without really honestly communicating with me, I can probably force myself to keep quiet about some things for a short while, lol.

A bit of salt in the wound: what I was excitedly experiencing as strong compersion for her and her new bf for the past few months before the truth came out, and was also incredibly happy because I thought it was finally that new and beautiful dimension of depth that was starting to grow in our relationship... she interpreted as "being clingy and seeking/giving attention lately, because I think he realizes on some level that he is losing me".

Um...... :(
 
This is horrible and crazy. Your partner is way out of my league to comprehend or comment on.

I guess the ball is out of your court and the sooner you can put all this behind you, the faster you can begin healing. :(

It does sound like there will be major lessons given how completely something this big blindsided you.

Hang in there.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really don't understand the urge to get married and move in with someone who you've only been seeing for 3 months - that seems like utter madness to me - but I commend you on how you are handling it all. If she wants a divorce, then yes, your best move is probably to make that as easy and painless as possible. The one issue I would not let her have her own way on though is in having sole custody of your son, and definitely speak to a lawyer to try to figure out the best way to avoid being financially taken to the cleaners here. Regardless of whether you agreed in principle to her dating others, she has cheated on you, and left you. I know you might not have many rights as a father in a divorce case in the USA, but do put up a fight to get whatever you do have.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Let me recap the highlights so I know I got it right. You correct me if I get anything wrong, ok?

  • Your wife wants to to move out with son to live with her bf of 3 months.
  • She wants a new start because she's overwhelmed with your homestead/all the animals.
  • She wants a divorce because she and her BF want to get married as soon as they can.
  • She has this tendency to "bounce out" when things get stressful or past her fairly low conflict threshhold; if she can't escape somehow, she breaks down.
  • She's been participating in polyamory for the last 6 years and now claims she only did it for you. She's not really into it.
  • Her duplicitousness has always been a point of contention.
  • You feel devalued and hurt.

I think it is normal to feel hurt. It doesn't sound like she's ever been an "honest and up front" communicator if "duplicity" has always been a problem and she does whatever to avoid dealing with conflict resolution.

Until last week, she let you think everything was find in your poly world when really she was planning to bail.

Not really being into poly and doing it for 6 years? That's screwed up behavior. Not only for herself -- putting herself through something she dislikes to avoid something else she dislikes (conflict resolution) for so long. But for you – leading you to believe it's all ok when it isn't for so long.

That's a LOT to take in for you.

If she's hell bent on divorce, I'd say make the arrangements as peacefully and quickly as possible.

I think marrying a guy I've only known 3 mos is too soon -- but it's her life, and she can make her own choices post-divorce.

For you? I suggest counseling to help give you extra support through the divorce process and to help you heal from this experience. It's a whopper!

Also perhaps to help you review this

I devoted so much of my life and myself to her, seriously worked on improving myself and changed myself for her, etc.
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I do not give up easily if ever, nor am I really going anywhere, so it's more just dealing with bittersweet emotions as they arise I guess.
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she interpreted as "being clingy and seeking/giving attention lately
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You will still have to co-parent son and look out for him. But could it be possible that you come on too strong in relationships? Get too wrapped up in the other person? Have difficulty letting things go?

Do those things contribute to her already not wanting to do conflict resolution? Like she doesn't like doing it in general from her own lack of skills... but dreads doing conflict resolution even MORE with you because what you bring to the table is that tenacity -- unwillingness to let things go? So it makes it even more tempting to just skip it?

I wonder why you didn't make improvements in yourself for YOU. Rather than to please someone else? :(

I hope things get better for you over time as you deal with all this mess. I really do encourage counseling though. I think this problem is more than internet people can help with and you sound like you really could use some extra support from a professional.

I truly am sorry you are having to deal with this. So disheartening to find out your partner is not what you thought. You knew about the duplicity but you didn't know it could go this deep/so far. Misleading you for 6 years is not loving behavior. :(

Galagirl
 
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No point in dragging out the inevitable, but you must protect your son. Your soon-to-be ex is making some rash decisions that will effect him profoundly. You have just as much right to your son as she does; don't EVER forget that.
 
GalaGirl, yeah you pretty much captured it. I do come on strong in relationships, or at least I still did when she and I first got together, and one of the things that our lopsided dynamic has shown me is that other people do not necessarily (or even usually) experience me the way I experience myself. This bit of self-awareness, combined with other ways in which she kind of forced me to confront some darker tendencies in myself - not to mention getting my own mental health in better check - are things that I will forever be grateful for. I think the reason I change more within relationships, is that left to my own devices I honestly never usually find a problem with myself. I only experience myself in relation to others, and so it's that dynamic and the feedback it produces which causes me to want to change or alter certain things. Since entering college and studying psychology, this realm of self-transformation has really opened up to me. But before, I was literally just co-existing with my own self-experience and the flow of my life, as chaotic as it was at times, and accepting it as immutable. My soon-to-be-ex has repeatedly described me as "a force of nature", and I suppose her disposition would be more akin to a flower petal or butterfly. Which is beautiful, and which is part of why I was drawn to her, combined with her very alluring romanticism and a certain innocence that she has. But now I can see how there were many fundamental incompatibilities at work.
 
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