Everything is so complicated....

J

Justsomeguys

New member
My first post here was about how me and my partner (H) were talking about opening things up to a possible poly-fi triad with a friend (D) we have both grown fairly close to. I hadn't really considered any relationship other than the relationship I was currently in with my partner. I had noticed my D (prior to introducing him to my partner) was very attractive and liked him very much but had never thought of him as anything more than a friend. I had known him for probably 5 years hanging out occasionally and playing games online.

At the end of last year or beginning of this year D came out of the closet (we are all cis/men) He has little to no experience romantically speaking so I may have been a bit premature in bringing things up with him but we can get back to that. I had always kinda figured he wasn't straight but this was the first time he talked to me about his sex life I assumed because he wasn't ready to come out.

So shortly before D came out H and I had began talking about opening things up to playing with other people initially it was just a "lets have some fun with a third person" with possible consideration for me going solo because I am bi and H is gay.

A few months after coming out I approached D about the posibility of having a threesome. We all started hanging out together so D and H could get to know each other better. One night I suggested things move forward and D said he wasn't ready and was worried about feelings getting involved.

Now D hangs out with us on a regular basis and we are all getting closer and a few months ago H broached the subject of polyamory. I started doing some research and H and I kept talking. H wanted us to wait to talk to D until D & H had become closer and maybe until D had been out longer and gotten a better grasp of what he was looking for.

So fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. H is showing some signs of jealousy and is worried I am hiding things from him, I am not. He is dealing with a very high stress job and is not handling things very well. I am pretty sure he has some untreated depression and definitely anxiety. All of this has built up to some somewhat paranoid activity. He has an appointment to talk to a therapist and start working on some of his stress and depression. We talked about things and we decided to put things on hold.

When H brought up the concept of us starting relationships with D I quit putting my guard up and started considering how I felt about D. I have fallen pretty hard, at first I thought it was just infatuation and lust so I tried very hard to control it. As we continue hanging out things are becoming more real. I agreed to put things on hold but the more I think about it the less I want to wait to tell D about my feelings. In all likelihood he will probably shoot me down and say he's not interested and everything will blow up in my face. Before I can do any of that I have to tell H.~~~Let me clarify, I will do nothing without talking to H~~~

So now the whole issue. How do I tell D about my feelings for H without hurting him? How do I bring up the idea of D dating each of us when he has never been in a serious monogamous relationship? The only way either H or I are comfortable with poly is in a poly-fi triad.

I cant lose H, he is my life but I cant ignore how I feel about D anymore.

Fuck I don't know what the point of this post is anymore, i'm rambling and I have lost and found my train of thought so many times that I dont know how to finish this post. Any input would be appreciated. sorry if you spent all this time reading my nonsense and just want that time back.

Why is love such a mess?:(
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

H wanted us to wait to talk to D until D & H had become closer and maybe until D had been out longer and gotten a better grasp of what he was looking for.
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(H) has an appointment to talk to a therapist and start working on some of his stress and depression. We talked about things and we decided to put things on hold.
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I cant lose H, he is my life but I cant ignore how I feel about D anymore.
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If you are unwilling to lose your with relationship with H? Or do things that might cause H to break up with you? Don't do them then.

I suggest you sit with your D crush and do nothing. Feel whatever you feel. Nobody is saying to ignore your feelings. But don't let them run away with you either.

Keep your agreement to wait. Allow H time to get to his appointment and get treated for his depression/anxiety/stress thing. So if this DOES become a thing, all partners are starting out healthy. And not like you (kinda ok) and D (coming to terms being gay and never had relationship) and H (sick with depression/anxiety etc.)

Breaking agreements and damaging trust with H while he is ill? Only to find that D is not interested? Would do what? It would solve YOUR anxiety about not knowing whether or not your crush is returned. But it would bring you NEW problems. Possibly damaged trust with H or even H breaking up with you over it.

Where waiting would do what? Honor your agreements, you still get to hang out with D, and eventually you get to tell about your crush and see where that lands. And if D isn't interested? H is more likely to be around to comfort you. You anxiety about "not knowing" would still get solved, but rocks the boat less.

You are not going to die because having a crush right now feels super uncomfortable/anxious.

If you don't want to risk H breaking up with you? Sit with it and wait would be my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
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You are right of course, I never had any intention to move forward or talk to D without first talking to and clearing things with H. In fact he just got home and we talked and things are much more clear.

Actually with that talk we are going to be talking to D very soon.
 
Justsomeguys said:
We talked about things and we decided to put things on hold.
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While that sounds like a good idea for lots of people, I have seen nothing but problems with this concept. It asserts that we have some kind of switch that we can flip our feelings on and off... or just live unhappily. One of those is nonsense, and the other isn't something lots of people are going to endure for long.

Justsomeguys said:
I have fallen pretty hard, at first I thought it was just infatuation and lust so I tried very hard to control it. As we continue hanging out things are becoming more real.
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It's almost certainly still infatuation.

Once you've spent regular time being romantic and letting some of the gloss wear off of the association, then you can *begin* to wonder whether or not infatuation is clouding your vision.

Note: I'm not saying it doesn't still have value, I'm just suggesting you proceed with your eyes open and unimpeded by rose colored glasses.

Justsomeguys said:
Before I can do any of that I have to tell H.~~~Let me clarify, I will do nothing without talking to H~~~
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Tell him. Live your life. Be happy. There are no do-overs.

Justsomeguys said:
The only way either H or I are comfortable with poly is in a poly-fi triad.
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Real talk: let go of this requirement. Do some reading on these boards about forcing a triad - the prognosis is bad.

Let your associations build according to the two people in them, not according to some arbitrary restriction.
 
Actually with that talk we are going to be talking to D very soon.
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Glad you feel calmer then.

Keep in mind D may NOT want to be in a Closed triad model.

Or even be interested in both of you. What happens if he prefers to date one of you only? And in an Open V thing where he can date other partners too?

Then what? If that's a dealbreaker to one of you? Maybe you just skip talking to D because it's a non-starter from the get go.

Galagirl
 
I imagine you are very excited that H wants to go ahead with talking to D. just be sure that he is not merely consenting instead of actually enthoused by the idea. I think someone grappling with stress, anxiety and depression is in no state to start a relationship, let alone see his partner happily pursuing a crush.

People in the throes of a crush can interpret things in a way most favorable to the relationship they want. I'm sure H has been difficult to cope with and the potential good feelings of romance with D are extra nice to contemplate. BUT, I advise that you slow down and think carefully if what you are planning is really in the best interests of the three of you.

Leetah
 
You're in the very early stages of exploring an open relationship. You say you've considered dating solo since you are bi.

So many many new people come here trying to force a poly fi triad. FORCING TRIADS NEVER WORKS.

The only time triads work is when they happen organically. Even then, the feelings your unicorn (the new person inserted into your couple) has for each individual of the couple will be DIFFERENT.

He may be in love with you and merely fond of your partner. He may fall in love with your partner and NOT you. He may love both of you, or one of you, but not feel desirous of either of you, no matter if he's been out 1 month or 25 years. He may only feel friendship, no lust at all, for one or both of you. He may actively dislike one or both of you over time... etc. That is just how friendship, love and desire works. You can't force lust or love merely by having H hang out with D. Let them be friends, if they want, but don't expect them to fall either in lust or love with each other.

Couples new to open relationships or poly think they can protect their couple by forcing a triad. "We like to share everything." But H might be looking for a different kind of new partner than you are.

And you're bi. Why are you focusing on a poly fi gay male triad? If this doesn't work out with B, your next interest might be female. What then?

I recommend you read the article, So Someone Called You A Unicorn Hunter?

https://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html

It is so technical and sobering it may calm the itch in your pants. (No offense, I often have an itch in my pants. ;) )

Then keep reading here about triads and unicorns. Do a search.

Then read the books More Than Two, and Opening Up.
 
Hi Justsomeguys,

Maybe the first step is to tell D just that you're attracted to him. Hold off on your next step until you see how the first step goes. And keep posting here, so that we can give updated advice. Good luck and hang in there. Hopefully H's therapy session will go well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
lots of talking has taken place.

We are a fairly cautious couple. H knows I am attracted to D and I know he is as well.

the biggest unknown in all of this is D. We are both kinda crazy for him but have been holding off on telling him because we don't want to scare him off. telling a new person who we don't know is poly about our interest is kinda scary especially as he is so new to dating and relationships in general.

This is new for all of us and the fear of rejection is very real.
 
Magdlyn said:
You're in the very early stages of exploring an open relationship. You say you've considered dating solo since you are bi.

So many many new people come here trying to force a poly fi triad. FORCING TRIADS NEVER WORKS.

The only time triads work is when they happen organically.
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This is why we have been taking things verrrrryyy slowly. My problem is my desire to rush things. This is definitely something I understand. We are already all very close with almost weekly cuddling and hanging out several times a week.

The question is how to I take this, so far organic progression, and move it forward without breaking things?
 
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Leetah said:
I imagine you are very excited that H wants to go ahead with talking to D. just be sure that he is not merely consenting instead of actually enthoused by the idea. I think someone grappling with stress, anxiety and depression is in no state to start a relationship, let alone see his partner happily pursuing a crush.

People in the throes of a crush can interpret things in a way most favorable to the relationship they want. I'm sure H has been difficult to cope with and the potential good feelings of romance with D are extra nice to contemplate. BUT, I advise that you slow down and think carefully if what you are planning is really in the best interests of the three of you.

Leetah
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Thanks for your input Leetah, I do appreciate it. I see what you are saying but I have known D for several years and while it started with a crush things have been fairly well tempered with time. Things definitely started with a crush but that was about 5 years ago I long since pushed that down and in the last several months things have moved from friendship to a persistent desire for something more. I'm not sure how to explain it other than to say I'm in my mid 30s and like to think I know the difference. H is around my age and a bit more pragmatic than I am and while D is new to many things he is in his late 20s.

The idea of polyamory is new my experience with relationships is not. I'm not trying to say I know everything but I do know the difference between a crush and more stable feelings.
 
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Maybe the next thing to do is, talk to D about polyamory as a general concept, without getting into your feelings for him just yet. You will have to tell him about your feelings eventually however, if you want things to move forward. That's love; love is always a risk.
 
I do wish that more people would come out as poly long before they fixate on some fantasy object.

I feel vaguely creepy giving advice how to sneak up on some unsuspecting person, get them attached as a friend, draw them further in, then suddenly spring it on them, "A-HAH, you fool, I am polyamorous!! & now I expect you to demonstrate that you truly care about me & that you haven't just been cruelly misleading me!! Mwaaahahhahah!!!

:(
 
Ravenscroft said:
I do wish that more people would come out as poly long before they fixate on some fantasy object.

I feel vaguely creepy giving advice how to sneak up on some unsuspecting person, get them attached as a friend, draw them further in, then suddenly spring it on them, "A-HAH, you fool, I am polyamorous!! & now I expect you to demonstrate that you truly care about me & that you haven't just been cruelly misleading me!! Mwaaahahhahah!!!

:(
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I don't think you understand the situation. We have always been monogamous. Friend has gotten very close to both of us and so we started talking about what that meant for us. Now we want to talk to our friend about our feelings.

How is that anything like what you described?
 
Justsomeguys said:
I don't think you understand the situation. We have always been monogamous. Friend has gotten very close to both of us and so we started talking about what that meant for us. Now we want to talk to our friend about our feelings.

How is that anything like what you described?
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Ravenscroft can be a little cranky sometimes.

You say "friend," but you're both attracted to him. And want to have a threeway sex thing, right? Ideally?

So it's not just he's just a platonic friend... you see him as a potential lover. So it's not just, "We want to tell a friend we are considering poly," it's, "We want to be poly-- with THIS guy. Time to see if he wants to transition to lover."
 
From what I can gather, many, many people absolutely DO NOT know they are "poly" or even have the ability to be in love (or love, in the romantic sense) more than one person at a time - until it happens.

I was one of these people till last year, aged 48. Therefore there is no "coming out as poly before..." anything, for people who had no inkling until.

Perhaps that is a super obvious statement, but just thought I'd put that out there since there appears to be some confusion.

Regardless, Justsomeguys... I concur with Magdlyn in that, now that you and your partner have both acknowledged your separate feelings of love and attraction for your mutual friend, you'd be wise to see what he thinks about polyamory in general and how HE would feel about potentially being in this sort of relationship, before going there regarding your joint interest in him personally, or your confession might backfire spectacularly IF he doesn't feel the same way about one or both of you, or if the very idea of poly freaks him out.
 
lunabunny said:
you'd be wise to see what he thinks about polyamory in general and how HE would feel about potentially being in this sort of relationship, before going there regarding your joint interest in him personally, or your confession might backfire spectacularly IF he doesn't feel the same way about one or both of you, or if the very idea of poly freaks him out.
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While I understand where you are coming from I think it would be almost completely impossible to broach the subject without him jumping to some pretty obvious and likely correct conclusions.
 
Magdlyn said:
Ravenscroft can be a little cranky sometimes.

You say "friend," but you're both attracted to him. And want to have a threeway sex thing, right? Ideally?

So it's not just he's just a platonic friend... you see him as a potential lover. So it's not just, "We want to tell a friend we are considering poly," it's, "We want to be poly-- with THIS guy. Time to see if he wants to transition to lover."
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Honestly while 3 way would be fun we both understand that may not be something he is interested in. I certainly don't expect him to jump in the sack because I makes a startling confession of feelings. As others have said he could not even be interested in me like that but ready to bang H's brains out. Yeah that would hurt but I think I could handle that.

However it comes up I definitely think he will need some time to consider things. If he immediately wants to jump right in that may actually raise some concerns right there. H and I have been talking about this for months after all.
 
Crankiness? Cool; let's run with that.

An individual person having an interest or a thought or a feeling... no big thing. Happens multiple times a day for some of us.

IME, to be anything suitable for polyamory, that person would have the willingness & introspective ability to consider whether it's a passing fancy, or a serious interest that will inherently affect the tenor of the two-person interaction. If so, that person will then have the metaphoric BALLS to address these feelings to the other person -- else (again) it ain't anything consonant with polyamory.

When two people talk about feelings toward a third person, it's conspiracy. By definition. Making plans based upon a two-to-one mindfuck is DEFINITELY conspiracy.

The need to support conspiracy -- as proof of "love" -- is nonsense Romanticism carried mindlessly in from Monogamist thinking.

In short: now that a few thousand people know about this, & will until the Internet shuts down, it's kinda LONG past time to speak to the "third wheel" about it.
 
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