Ex wants to talk...
- Thread starter leelee22
- Start date
ManofDiscovery
New member
Wow. I don't think I could even allow those words to leave my mouth, due to the ridiculous levels of internal shame I would experience as a result.
BoringGuy
Banned
Me too. I prefer assertive men, women, people. I fail to understand what is appealing about "having" a relationship with someone who is not in control of their own destiny.
You think he's gonna read that list and say, "Oh. ok. I'll show this to my wife and she'll sign off on the parts that she approves."
Also, if his wife thinks you are a "whore," she should want to meet you so she can decide if you are a good whore or a bad whore.
(Dear Opalescent, and whoever else is triggered by mention of vulgar terminology for sex industry workers and/or automatically associates the paying of money in exchange for sexual acts with victimization: I did not just call the OP a "whore." It was a tongue-and-cheek reference to the Wizard of Oz book, where Glinda asks Dorothy, "Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" Those of you who got it the first time can disregard this safety warning.)
IndieSolo
Active member
Geez, Leelee, it all sounds like more work than it is worth, to be honest. If he's a wuss and kowtows to someone who has control of their relationship, and she thinks you're just a whore who is beneath her, do you actually think you will get what you want and gain any respect for your boundaries? Why even bother meeting? I still think it's a good idea to clearly delineate what YOU will and will not accept as you go forward in any relationship, but the dynamic you have with him seems so disappointing and, really, not worth the effort you're making. Wishy-washy ineffectual men... blarghh!
BoringGuy
Banned
But...but... it could be really good if he would just... change!
It's good you did this.
If nothing else, you have clarified it better for YOURSELF and future dating partners even if THIS ONE is not a repeat run.
There's a reason you broke up with him the first time, after all.
But...take your meeting. See what you see. If it just confirms he's best left as an ex because just NOT compatible, there are still cookies here for you. You articulated what matters to you in a dating partner in writing. You are practicing become more assertive in your OWN communications and negotiations. That's helpful to you in your subsequent dating life, no matter WHO the dating partners turns out to be. So good for you!
GG
If nothing else, you have clarified it better for YOURSELF and future dating partners even if THIS ONE is not a repeat run.
There's a reason you broke up with him the first time, after all.
But...take your meeting. See what you see. If it just confirms he's best left as an ex because just NOT compatible, there are still cookies here for you. You articulated what matters to you in a dating partner in writing. You are practicing become more assertive in your OWN communications and negotiations. That's helpful to you in your subsequent dating life, no matter WHO the dating partners turns out to be. So good for you!
GG
leelee22
New member
Ok, for the record, I am not any kind of whore, good or bad. (BoringGuy, of course I know you've never heard a Justin Bieber song.)
What I am, though, is a person with a very high sex drive. I feel very irritable (ANGRY, even); I have trouble focusing on the things I should be focusing on (work, for example); and I'm not my best self if I'm not getting my sexual needs met. I am also not everybody's cup of tea (who is?), so it's not like i have a long line up out the door of eligible men to choose from.
The relationship i had with this particular guy was not optimal, granted. But it was nice to have someone to have sex with. I find it a major struggle to be all principled and selective when it means I have to walk around feeling like I want to punch a wall because I'm just too horny. So if it is indeed possible to motivate this convenient, pleasant, former lover of mine who actually DID find me to be his cup of tea to change JUST A LITTLE BIT, then it would be worth the twenty-minute conversation.
So yes, I concede, it would be convenient if he would change a bit. And people CAN change; I know it because I have changed enormously in the last ten years. Sometimes even in response to suggestions from people I liked and respected.
What I am, though, is a person with a very high sex drive. I feel very irritable (ANGRY, even); I have trouble focusing on the things I should be focusing on (work, for example); and I'm not my best self if I'm not getting my sexual needs met. I am also not everybody's cup of tea (who is?), so it's not like i have a long line up out the door of eligible men to choose from.
The relationship i had with this particular guy was not optimal, granted. But it was nice to have someone to have sex with. I find it a major struggle to be all principled and selective when it means I have to walk around feeling like I want to punch a wall because I'm just too horny. So if it is indeed possible to motivate this convenient, pleasant, former lover of mine who actually DID find me to be his cup of tea to change JUST A LITTLE BIT, then it would be worth the twenty-minute conversation.
So yes, I concede, it would be convenient if he would change a bit. And people CAN change; I know it because I have changed enormously in the last ten years. Sometimes even in response to suggestions from people I liked and respected.
Hey Leelee, no worries. I am one of the horniest people on the planet. When I broke up with my ex-husband, even though we were getting along like crap, we were having daily intense sex. I was used to it.
Then I went three months without a partner! I was soooo horny, and not likely to meet eligible men at my job. There was a postman that came in every day and I was half thinking of asking him if he were single! lol
Then someone told me about OKCupid, and within weeks I had a serious (sexy) gf, as well as men of all ages figuratively lining up around the block to ravish me.
I'm not everyone's cuppa tea either (I was 54 and full figured then, even older now), but I found OKC was good for me for both finding a real relationship as well as more casual play-partners of every age and shape and size. At some points I had four partners at once...
Then I went three months without a partner! I was soooo horny, and not likely to meet eligible men at my job. There was a postman that came in every day and I was half thinking of asking him if he were single! lol
Then someone told me about OKCupid, and within weeks I had a serious (sexy) gf, as well as men of all ages figuratively lining up around the block to ravish me.
I'm not everyone's cuppa tea either (I was 54 and full figured then, even older now), but I found OKC was good for me for both finding a real relationship as well as more casual play-partners of every age and shape and size. At some points I had four partners at once...
leelee22
New member
So, this long-awaited conversation with the former beau has not yet happened yet, due to various fairly legit delays on both sides. It is now scheduled for this coming Wednesday. I am getting impatient, but trying not to get my hopes up.
What has been interesting is that ever since he asked to talk, he has been making an effort to write me emails now and then, light little missives about the general goings-on in his life. The thing is, chatty emails are not this guy's thing. He's an in-person person and doesn't really connect through electronic means. In fact, he's often offline for days at a time. So this is something he is doing on purpose because he thinks I'd like it.
I find that interesting. And one of the things that stuck with me most from when we split up was that he said, "I feel sad about this, because you are the first real friend I've made since I moved back here." He lived in Europe... six years ago!
Anyway, should my pitch to try to get him to buy into my version of poly fail, and I think it's more likely to fail than to succeed, perhaps I will try to keep this man as some sort of friend. It would be nice to have a poly friend to compare notes with.
What has been interesting is that ever since he asked to talk, he has been making an effort to write me emails now and then, light little missives about the general goings-on in his life. The thing is, chatty emails are not this guy's thing. He's an in-person person and doesn't really connect through electronic means. In fact, he's often offline for days at a time. So this is something he is doing on purpose because he thinks I'd like it.
I find that interesting. And one of the things that stuck with me most from when we split up was that he said, "I feel sad about this, because you are the first real friend I've made since I moved back here." He lived in Europe... six years ago!
Anyway, should my pitch to try to get him to buy into my version of poly fail, and I think it's more likely to fail than to succeed, perhaps I will try to keep this man as some sort of friend. It would be nice to have a poly friend to compare notes with.
Malfunktions
New member
I think GalaGirl's on to something with the printing it out and handing it over. I have no ability to voice feelings so I write my feelings in texts to my SO. He gets the texts and takes over the emotional train with what I mentioned in another post, our emotional bingo.
He goes though feelings and I say yay or nay on if I feel them.
Either way, IMO, it needs to be addressed.
He goes though feelings and I say yay or nay on if I feel them.
Either way, IMO, it needs to be addressed.
leelee22
New member
Had the conversation with the ex. Going to need to have another one, or a series of them.
It was lovely to see him, and he was very interested in hearing about all the things I'd read and learned about polyamory. Neither of us had done any of this reading and learning before our relationship. He was interested in hearing about all the models of open/poly relationships and the differences between them and my preferences.
He tells me that his GF was not delighted that he and I had broken up. She had a kind of non-reaction. He feels that their relationship is "getting worse" again, because he's not happy.
He considers that the biggest challenge for him is that when it comes to their relationship being open, there is "nothing in it for her." She is mono, straight, and close to asexual.
I told him that I had come to the realization that poly cannot work unless each person (not just the members of the open couple) is getting all their needs met, or at least working toward that. We tried to talk through what each person's needs are... mine, his, and hers, and what the "ideal world" would be for each of the three.
The stumbling block is always that her ideal world is: for him to hurry up, get older, and grow out of his libido, so that she won't need to have sex with him, and he won't need sex partners.
One thing he said toward the end that was interesting was that he was sad that I walked away at a time when he felt that our relationship was "progressing". Whereas, having been told their terms and what was permitted, my view of our relationship was that there was no potential for any kind of progression. I saw it as a dead-end street. But he was hoping he'd be able to convince his GF to loosen her rules as he demonstrated, over time, that her trust in him (and me) was justified.
I would like to talk with him some more.
It was lovely to see him, and he was very interested in hearing about all the things I'd read and learned about polyamory. Neither of us had done any of this reading and learning before our relationship. He was interested in hearing about all the models of open/poly relationships and the differences between them and my preferences.
He tells me that his GF was not delighted that he and I had broken up. She had a kind of non-reaction. He feels that their relationship is "getting worse" again, because he's not happy.
He considers that the biggest challenge for him is that when it comes to their relationship being open, there is "nothing in it for her." She is mono, straight, and close to asexual.
I told him that I had come to the realization that poly cannot work unless each person (not just the members of the open couple) is getting all their needs met, or at least working toward that. We tried to talk through what each person's needs are... mine, his, and hers, and what the "ideal world" would be for each of the three.
The stumbling block is always that her ideal world is: for him to hurry up, get older, and grow out of his libido, so that she won't need to have sex with him, and he won't need sex partners.
One thing he said toward the end that was interesting was that he was sad that I walked away at a time when he felt that our relationship was "progressing". Whereas, having been told their terms and what was permitted, my view of our relationship was that there was no potential for any kind of progression. I saw it as a dead-end street. But he was hoping he'd be able to convince his GF to loosen her rules as he demonstrated, over time, that her trust in him (and me) was justified.
I would like to talk with him some more.
BoringGuy
Banned
Well technically, it's possible for a male to experience erectile dysfunction, yet still be horny and want sex with men/women/whatever. But yeah, that is pretty twisted that people aspire to a future where the "ideal" is for one's partner to be as miserable as oneself.
Why the OP wants to be part of this, I do not understand.
Yes, you're right. ED does not equal lack of libido. I misspoke. Growing out of any interest in sex... when does that happen for a guy? In his 80s? Death?
As I said, I was in this exact same scenario once, bi guy, jealous wife. I was however, finally allowed to meet her, and after I did, that is when wifey brought the veto hammer down, and hubby was told he could only have men, and no feelings allowed! I was actually so repulsed by their dynamic I was glad to be well out of it all.
IndieSolo
Active member
It sounds like she was not present, correct? So, you were still hearing about her needs through him? Hmmm.
And he stays with her because...??? Oh, yeah, she must be such a kind, generous, loving person to feel this way. WTF?
I wonder why you want to see him again. It's very clear to me that she still has him by the short hairs and you will always be frustrated and dissatisfied in any relationship with him. Seriously, gather up all your self-esteem and take the high road the hell outta there as fast as you can. You're wasting time and energy on a situation that obviously will never give you what you want, when you could be open to other possibilities out there. Y'know, when one door closes, another door opens...
leelee22
New member
Well, maybe it reads that way (that I'll never get what I want from this guy), but the conversation didn't feel that way at all.
What it seems like to me instead is that this couple are beginners. He (I'll call him Tim) said to his girlfriend (I'll call her Anna), "I want to have another partner who is a woman, not a man." She agreed, thinking he'd have a hard time finding a girlfriend and so she didn't really have to worry about it; and then bam, he found me very quickly. They didn't get around to doing the talking that they should have done, back when they should have done it. She preferred (and still prefers) to ignore this completely and not think about it. He hates to bring the subject up, because it just upsets her for no good reason, since there's nothing in it for her.
We are all the same age (mid-forties). And we are all pretty similar personalities; introverted, conflict-avoidant, polite. He actually thinks that Anna would feel less resistant if she met me, but she doesn't want to, and no-one is going to force her to.
He tells me that when it comes to my complaints about my needs not being met, that he never really took the time to think about my needs at all. He was just so excited that Anna consented to this, and so he jumped in blindly. We met, I agreed to go out with him, he took my agreement at face value, and now that I've told him "Oops, no," that I don't like the terms, he is open to thinking about my terms, and to try get Anna to listen to them.
But of course, that's a challenge, because she's not interested in hearing about any of this. I'm his problem, not hers. And while Tim's motivated to keep me happy and keep me around, Anna couldn't give a flying f*ck.
So he has asked that I be a little tolerant, and let their talking catch up to my thinking, because they are new to this poly thing and don't yet know what they're doing.
I think that sounds sincere and honest, not hopeless.
What it seems like to me instead is that this couple are beginners. He (I'll call him Tim) said to his girlfriend (I'll call her Anna), "I want to have another partner who is a woman, not a man." She agreed, thinking he'd have a hard time finding a girlfriend and so she didn't really have to worry about it; and then bam, he found me very quickly. They didn't get around to doing the talking that they should have done, back when they should have done it. She preferred (and still prefers) to ignore this completely and not think about it. He hates to bring the subject up, because it just upsets her for no good reason, since there's nothing in it for her.
We are all the same age (mid-forties). And we are all pretty similar personalities; introverted, conflict-avoidant, polite. He actually thinks that Anna would feel less resistant if she met me, but she doesn't want to, and no-one is going to force her to.
He tells me that when it comes to my complaints about my needs not being met, that he never really took the time to think about my needs at all. He was just so excited that Anna consented to this, and so he jumped in blindly. We met, I agreed to go out with him, he took my agreement at face value, and now that I've told him "Oops, no," that I don't like the terms, he is open to thinking about my terms, and to try get Anna to listen to them.
But of course, that's a challenge, because she's not interested in hearing about any of this. I'm his problem, not hers. And while Tim's motivated to keep me happy and keep me around, Anna couldn't give a flying f*ck.
So he has asked that I be a little tolerant, and let their talking catch up to my thinking, because they are new to this poly thing and don't yet know what they're doing.
I think that sounds sincere and honest, not hopeless.
IndieSolo
Active member
The fact that his girlfriend agreed to poly only because she thought it would never come to fruition, and then pretends it isn't happening, and chooses to ignore your existence, should tell you something. SHE DOES NOT ACTUALLY CONSENT!!! She will likely never be okay with it, and she will always try to keep him from any emotional involvement whatsoever. Her agreement was obviously a manipulation, done out of fear of losing him, but it was not a willingness to consent. SHE DOES NOT WANT POLY. And it isn't poly if all parties do not want it.
No matter how hot he is, besides the fact that he doesn't seem able to make his own decisions, do you really want to get involved with someone whose partner is not fully consenting and okay with it? Seriously? Don't you have enough self-esteem to walk away from a trainwreck when you see it? Oh, wait a minute -- you are refusing to see it. Oh well, I guess if you want to keep the blindfold on while you walk off the edge of a cliff, no one can stop you. Good luck with that.
No matter how hot he is, besides the fact that he doesn't seem able to make his own decisions, do you really want to get involved with someone whose partner is not fully consenting and okay with it? Seriously? Don't you have enough self-esteem to walk away from a trainwreck when you see it? Oh, wait a minute -- you are refusing to see it. Oh well, I guess if you want to keep the blindfold on while you walk off the edge of a cliff, no one can stop you. Good luck with that.
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