Explaining a Sort of Poly Relationship to a new Mono Date

S

snugglelover

New member
Hello!

I've been trying to figure out how to explain a unique situation to a mono date (for when I actually start dating) and am looking for advice.

Here's the situation:
My best friend and I love each other, dearly. I'm taking his last name and we plan on buying a house with his girlfriend (who he also loves dearly) and living together and all being a family.

However, it's not quite a polyamorous relationship, exactly.

Despite loving and being attracted to each other, my best friend and I are not together and do not have plans to as we both want different things in the grand scheme of life and his girlfriend isn't interested in a completely poly relationship.

We have few boundaries with each other. My best friend and I love to snuggle in his bed, and I'm always all over him and his girlfriend accepts our situation as she loves us both.

I'm not specifically looking for a poly relationship but would be open to it, though I plan on dating either a mono/poly I can also fall in love with.

I have NO idea how to explain this to a likely mono date, as I suspect most guys would feel threatened or jealous.

Any tips on how and when to explain to a new date that you're in love with another man but are still looking for a 'soul mate'?
 
I think your best bet would be to not date guys who are strictly mono.

How would this new guy fit in with you and this couple? Is your plan to keep it separate? You kind of lost me with you taking his name but you are not together because you have different wants in the long run.
 
Hello snugglelover,

Just wondering, when you say "not together," do you mean that you and your best friend do not have sex with each other? or that you and your best friend are not romantically joined? or both? or something else? Your answer will help determine how you should explain your situation to a new date.

As for when, I would say sometime during the first two or three dates, possibly sooner.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Any tips on how and when to explain to a new date that you're in love with another man but are still looking for a 'soul mate'?
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Could just say that. You are in love with your friend, and share cuddles/house with him. But not sex. He has a GF/lover person you are friends with/share house with.
And you are looking for a "soul mate."


FWIW, I would call it a "polyamorous V" and I would stop calling him "Friend" and call him "Boyfriend." Things like taking his name, sharing a home, getting in bed to cuddle, saying you are IN LOVE with him... I just don't do that stuff with friends. That's "Boyfriend/Nesting Partner stuff" to me. Just not the sex part. And that fits Webster definition.

Definition of boyfriend
1 : a male friend
2 : a frequent or regular male companion in a romantic or sexual relationship
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And you want to find another boyfriend for sharing love/sex/soul (?) mate stuff with.

To me that's "poly enough" to call it polyamorous. And "boyfriend enough" to call him a boyfriend.

But I'm not you. You can call it whatever you want -- just check in with your potential(s) to be sure you are using words in the same way with THEM so misunderstandings don't happen. I'm not a stakeholder. They would be.

Galagirl
 
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vinsanity0 said:
I think your best bet would be to not date guys who are strictly mono.

How would this new guy fit in with you and this couple? Is your plan to keep it separate? You kind of lost me with you taking his name but you are not together because you have different wants in the long run.
Click to expand...

That’s a good idea however I wouldn’t want to necessarily join an existing couple. Our family, as it is now, works so well because I love his girlfriend and know how amazing she is for him.
I’d be afraid of falling in love with someone who already has or may find someone I wouldn’t gel with.

Ideally this new guy wouldn’t be as close to these two as I am but be more than happy to share me. Ideally he would mirror my relationship with my best friend’s girlfriend: He’ll love them but won’t be IN LOVE with them. If that makes sense.

lol I understand I’ve lost you it’s not exactly conventional.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello snugglelover,

Just wondering, when you say "not together," do you mean that you and your best friend do not have sex with each other? or that you and your best friend are not romantically joined? or both? or something else? Your answer will help determine how you should explain your situation to a new date.

As for when, I would say sometime during the first two or three dates, possibly sooner.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Well, we don’t have sex, and refer to each other (playfully) as married.
We don’t consider ourselves dating or ‘together’ in that way, though we are definitely committed to being a part of each other’s lives for life.

I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bromance but that might be the closest descriptor I can think of.

I would say sooner as well so someone has an early opportunity to decide if that’s something they can do. I plan on being best friends before committing to anyone so they would hopefully have plenty of time to see how he and I interact and if they still want to move forward.
 
GalaGirl said:
Could just say that. You are in love with your friend, and share cuddles/house with him. But not sex. He has a GF/lover person you are friends with/share house with.
And you are looking for a "soul mate."


FWIW, I would call it a "polyamorous V" and I would stop calling him "Friend" and call him "Boyfriend." Things like taking his name, sharing a home, getting in bed to cuddle, saying you are IN LOVE with him... I just don't do that stuff with friends. That's "Boyfriend/Nesting Partner stuff" to me. Just not the sex part. And that fits Webster definition.



And you want to find another boyfriend for sharing love/sex/soul (?) mate stuff with.

To me that's "poly enough" to call it polyamorous. And "boyfriend enough" to call him a boyfriend.

But I'm not you. You can call it whatever you want -- just check in with your potential(s) to be sure you are using words in the same way with THEM so misunderstandings don't happen. I'm not a stakeholder. They would be.

Galagirl
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I do like how you put that, when I try to say the same thing I tend to ramble.

I wouldn’t refer to him that way, as although his girlfriend loves me, I don’t ever want her to feel that I’d ever be a threat or try to get between them, as I don’t know her thoughts on polyamory and do not want to overstep any boundaries.
 
I wouldn’t refer to him that way, as although his girlfriend loves me, I don’t ever want her to feel that I’d ever be a threat or try to get between them, as I don’t know her thoughts on polyamory and do not want to overstep any boundaries.
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All the more reason to talk to the stakeholders and "calibrate" vocab use so you are all using them in the same way, understand each other, and minimize misunderstandings.

How can you stay within her boundaries if she has not told you what they even ARE? :confused: You are supposed to be a mind reader?

Could ask her what they are, rather than worrying about overstepping. Esp before taking his name, buying a house together, etc. Sort out these basics first.

Galagirl
 
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snugglelover said:
That’s a good idea however I wouldn’t want to necessarily join an existing couple. Our family, as it is now, works so well because I love his girlfriend and know how amazing she is for him.
I’d be afraid of falling in love with someone who already has or may find someone I wouldn’t gel with.

Ideally this new guy wouldn’t be as close to these two as I am but be more than happy to share me. Ideally he would mirror my relationship with my best friend’s girlfriend: He’ll love them but won’t be IN LOVE with them. If that makes sense.

lol I understand I’ve lost you it’s not exactly conventional.
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You are already entangled with an existing couple. My question was do you plan on having this future soulmate move into the house with all of you? It sounds like you do. I agree that you will have a hard time explaining all this to a mono guy. It might be hard to even find a poly guy who is okay with being expected to deal with all that. I'm sure there are guys out there who would be okay with it. It will probably take awhile to find someone though. It's always harder when one has specific requirements.
 
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snugglelover said:
Well, we don’t have sex, and refer to each other (playfully) as married.
We don’t consider ourselves dating or ‘together’ in that way, though we are definitely committed to being a part of each other’s lives for life.

I wouldn’t necessarily call it a bromance but that might be the closest descriptor I can think of.

I would say sooner as well so someone has an early opportunity to decide if that’s something they can do. I plan on being best friends before committing to anyone so they would hopefully have plenty of time to see how he and I interact and if they still want to move forward.
Click to expand...

A bromance? Are you male? Are you gay? Are you looking for a man to be one on one partners with?

I don't get why, if you and your best friend are attracted to each other, you don't have sex, aka, "aren't together," in your parlance. I guess maybe the gf is fine with snuggling and loving actions, but somehow draws a line at kissing and boning? Do you and your friend actually get aroused when snuggling? How do you deal with the evidence of each other's erections and other signs of arousal? How does the gf deal with it?

There seems to be a LOT of murky thinking, and coyness around actions and words here. It's extremely confusing.

You love your best friend and find him sexually attractive, and vice versa. You consider yourselves married, to the point you are planning to take his last name. You plan to keep living together. Yet, out of some sort of consideration for his gf, you don't have sex with him. You don't admit you've already found your soul mate (as it seems to me)! You don't want to be entangled with a couple, yet you are. You don't want your potential new bf to be already entangled with someone in a couple, but you're already, for all intents and purposes, in a triad.
 
Hi snugglelover,

Possibly you could say to a new date, "I have a close friend and we are close in just about every way except that we don't have sex." Or something to that effect. Brevity is good, when you're introducing a concept that is new to the other person. Brevity and clarity.

I am wondering ... if your close friend didn't have a girlfriend, do you think you might then have sex with him? that is to say, is his girlfriend the main reason you don't have sex with him? I apologize if I'm prying, but I was just wondering.

You do have an unusual situation.
With respects/regards,
Kevin T.
 
People who struggle with communication will probably struggle with polyamory.

More bluntly: people who suck at communication will probably suck at polyamory.
________________

I really believe that whenever someone uses the word "dating" they ought to define precisely what they think the word means. For instance, is it four long nights a week of crazed fucking? or a monthly meetup at Starbucks? or moving in together & not intending to marry?

If I'm publicly hanging out regularly with a female friend, the subject of who each of us is being intimate with (much less why) might not come up at all, & I don't see where it'd need to.

Something that doesn't fit neatly into one generic pigeonhole or another isn't somehow exempt. You get all snuggly with your boyfriend; the fact you haven't (yet...) had sex is immaterial, particulary to someone who only knows about monogamy. You have an intimate relationship, & ought to own up to that rather than looking for every "yes but" that might exist.

And if Future Guy's potential freakout is the problem, why is it that you seem to be avoiding the idea that maybe you could date non-monogamous guys.

...or is that because you want one set of freedoms FOR YOU, & to impose one-sided monogamy on HIM?
 
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