Explaining poly to someone new

[rhea]

Hi! I'm sort of in a hard situation and needing some advice from whom has much more experience that me
How do you explain it to someone new and non poly, when you are currently in a relationship? What are some issues/topics that really need to be adressed (afraid of missing something)?

I might add that i've actually kinda screwd up in this new relatonship, I wasn't honest right away about what she was getting into (she know now, but more talking is needed), i wasn't prepared on how to navigate in such a situation - i've learned from it tough, it pains me that it was at the expense of someone's feelings. So far I only know that it's hard for her to wrap her head around this new concept, and it's something that she only sees working in a merely sexual relationship - not what any of us is looking for.

 

[FallenAngelina]

We are talking about this very thing in this thread right now, rhea. Most people do equate "multiple relationships" with casual sex and limited emotional involvement. Sharing someone's love is indeed a mind stretching concept for the vast majority. You can explain the concept of poly to someone, but she won't really understand unless she gets involved - and whether she does depends on her and on how you present yourself. Sounds like she is hurt to discover that you're not exclusive with her and don't intend to be. How long have you been dating? How far in were you when you told her about your other relationship(s)?

 

[rhea]

We are talking about this very thing in this thread right now

Haven't noticed, thanks!!

You can explain the concept of poly to someone, but she won't really understand unless she gets involved

It's what we've agreed on, I guess she needed time to process this new information, which I understand. Hoping not to get hurt :/ but I guess that's a risk in any relashionship (so lets have multiple relashionships xD)

Sounds like she is hurt to discover that you're not exclusive with her and don't intend to be. How long have you been dating? How far in were you when you told her about your other relationship(s)?

That's true, and we've talked a lot about this today and both feel better about it. Quite recently (2 weeks) and we haven't slept toghether, but I should have told her right away, i know now..

 

[kdt26417]

Hi rhea,

There is a really good link for explaining, in a way a newbie can understand and appreciate, what poly is and how it works. The link is, Poly FAQ. Check it out.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[rhea]

I appreciate your answers. Just an update, it actually went well and after giving her some space she says she feels confortable with the idea, so we are still dating and getting to know each other better

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Probably the least conspicuous way to disclose your status is just casually mention your other partner, using words like "girlfriend" or "husband," in context. Bonus if you can find an opportunity to use the word "polyamory/ous" and open up an actual dialogue about your lifestyle.

Other than disclosing that you're seeing other people, I don't know if there are any specific issues you need to bring up, at least from an ethics perspective. The easiest way to dodge that bullet is ask them if they have any questions or concerns. That puts the onus back on them, and they can't get mad if you don't disclose something they didn't ask about.

From a health perspective, it's the same questions you'd ask any potential partner... Do you have any transmittable infections and when's the last time you were tested? Do you use condoms when you sleep with other people? Is there anything you think I'd want to know?

 

[rhea]

Actually I later realized that what I wanted was a way to explain poly that would ensure it wouldn't sound crazy. Then I realized that's not something that's entirely in my hands... all i can do is tell it how it is, then it's up to the other person. But i deffinetly have to never repeat this delay on disclosing the kind of relashionsip I expect, mentioning it casually deffinetly seems a good way of doing it...

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Yes. No-one who talks to me for more that 5 minutes socially could ever fail to hear something about my husband, talk for another 10 and it is clear that our "roommate" is more than a friend. Technically we are in the closet but really bad at it.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Yes. No-one who talks to me for more that 5 minutes socially could ever fail to hear something about my husband, talk for another 10 and it is clear that our "roommate" is more than a friend. Technically we are in the closet but really bad at it.

There's "in the closet" and there's just "not making a big fuss about it." Like, straight mono people aren't hiding anything, but they aren't running around telling everyone about it either. They just take it for granted. Similarly, I just take it for granted that I'm polyamorous and pansexual, and I treat it like something I don't have to "disclose" because it's "not a thing." I guess that's more for interacting with friends or professionals... it's definitely a "thing" to potential partners.

Buuut even then... when you've only gone on a couple dates with someone (even if you hook up), and they don't ask if you're dating anyone else, I say that's completely on them. In this day and age, it's not like people are going around being chaste until they're in committed exclusive relationships. I think it's fair to take it for granted that everyone is sleeping around, and if anyone has an issue with that, they have the responsibility to ask about it. It's not unfair to expect someone to bring up being "exclusive" if that's something they're concerned about. Now, I say it's not unfair, but it's not wise either, just for practicality sake. More important than what's "fair" and "for granted" is "what they're going to freak out about" and anything you can do to avoid freakouts is generally a good idea.