Hey mags
Well the sexual massage although elements of erotic didn't include any sort of test/vaginal massage at all and we didn't have sex in the end!
I didn't realise I hadn't posted about Ivy. Yes I am really upset about that one. She said to me she loves me and she doe,s she s awesome that way, BUT she is not enough into women to explore it sexually. That's cool were going to be BFF and continue to cuddle and see each other etc. I haven't really properly grieved that one which is why i haven't wrote about it. And I won't have any less love between us, just in the way we express it physically. I also told her I won't be able to spend nights in her bed in order to honour her space to have me as platonic because it would be uncomfortable for me physically. I will treat her the same way I did H my high school love, and respect her boundaries. I don't think I will ever stop caring and that's ok. But I do want to make room for an awesome woman who wants it all, physical and emotional, so I am glad I know where I stand with her early on.
As far as trip...he had a really hurtful conversation with me the other day that has made me decide to dump him.
He said, "forgive me for saying this, and shout at me if you like, but I just can't find it in myself to care right now about this issue and fight for you or us, right now P is inconsololable and I won't keep hurting her."
I said: "are you saying you want to take some time apart? I do not want to cause indirect harm? And I won't shout at you, that is not who I am. I need time to process your statement first."
Trip: " no she is fine with what we're doing so far except sleeping over. She feels i betrayed her. I only just found out. I did not find out while you were away, this happened just this last week that she figured out why she was so upset, it isn't you yourself. It's that she feels I betrayed her. I won't keep hurting her."
My take on this conversation, sticks out to the point when he said he
doesn't care. at the end of this conversation he said, but I do still like you. Hollow words. He didn't come to my thanksgiving I invited him to today, he isn't coming to the looser thanksgiving party tomorrow, he made no plans after picking me up for. Air port except that he said he would ,then radio silence. When asked about Christmas or other relationship builds things, like meeting for lunc when I come up to Central, he declines or evades. His answer seems clear to me only he doesn't have the skills to break up with me, so I will with him.
Tonight was Ivy and Graysons combined bday party but I didn't go because I had my girls for the first time since I have been back, so that's nearly 8 weeks without seeing them. We spent the entire day together, and it was lovely and it was my first time unsupervised. I am so fucking happy about that.
I presented them their clothes and gifts from abroad. We went on a walk, made food together, played games...when Rocky stopped by even though he's been really sick, and kept his word, I was so happy. I made a roast dinner, and spent time loving the socks off all of them. I felt so right.
As for my tantric massage the other day, it went really well up until a point. I got to the point of sex and really triggered and freaked out. It's the first time I have confronted having sex with an older man, and by that I mean , someone at least 15 years older than myself. He was kind and gentle and we kept things erotic but platonic. So I have major trigger issues surrounding this that meant I think it was more important to go slow, than to rush towards sex.
I texted the man I met at the train station. We are tentatively meeting up next weekend.
My actor friend is coming by midweek. I haven't yet confirmed, but I am going up to London central on Monday for Ceroc that night with Ria and spend time with IVy we are both going to be studying. He writing and me science. Will be fun!
On that night I may stay with rocky, and then Tuesday morning I am going to Pilates, and Wednesday is possibly actor friend.
I asked Ria out for dinner, we're going to do that sometime in two weeks. Really exciting, she has had such a girl crush on me for awhile, (mutual here) since we met at a kink party in the summer. She also came to my bday party and is coming to my thanksgiving party tomorrow.
I spoke to siren and gale. Siren started a new course on Thursdays in London so I may travel with her on those days and hang out. He partner really wants to be poly and they have both been in the past, but she is struggling with it, and doesn't want it. They have been together 17 years so I can understand her struggle, it's hard! I have been listening to her and offering hugs and cuddles.
I have rock upstairs sleeping right now. I hope he sleeps through the night. We didn't talk about his decision because he's sick as a dog, and has had a collective 10 hours of sleep in the last 3 days, plus has worked for the last ten days straight. He said one of his concerns besides me misconstruing the relationship with his best friend and him, was also that I didn't know how to be in companionable silence with him. I said I do know how to do this, I just don't do it with him often because when I do become silent he talks
then I pointed out maybe it was him who had problems with silence with me and not me lol.
So I said let's try, so I told him about my tantric massage yesterday and asked if I could use it on him what I learned, he asked can we listen to music. I said let's try being silent and calm instead.
So I gave him a full naked massage, after we had played and watched orange is the new black, and basically put him straight to sleep. I started in front, at the feet and worked my way up. He really struggled not to talk and engage with me lol. But I am glad he's so peaceful and relaxed now.
We agreed to reschedule the talk for this week. Truthfully I give up trying to get him to understand himself right now, his actions say he wants me or he wouldn't have been here today
He loves me and my girls to bits I have no doubt about that in my mind.
I proposed a compromise, having read about it in the blogs here, I decided to ask him if he would be willing to commit to a year and we see then where we are. And during that year, we would agree not to break up with each other, and then go foreword from there, after reviewing in a years time. Less commitment for him, and more security for me.
He said it was a really interesting idea and wants to talk more when he's less sleepy.
He also was really pleased with all my work in the gym, but a bit envious because he's been so busy with work,and been sick that he hasn't been able to go in five days. I told him don't worry, ha can always start again when he gets some rest and that he's still super hot to me and hasn't stopped being so in five days lol.
