Facilitator or valued triad member?

A

Alycat

New member
Hi there

I am new to this site so, please forgive me if this kind of question has been posted before.

I am for the first time ever, involved in a polyamorous situation. It came about after meeting a man who I at first had an affair with, but who at the time, told me he would never leave his wife. No stress.. I wasn't looking for him to do that. He was unhappy in his marriage and as I worked with both him and her, in the same space.. I could see that was very much true. They didn't fight.. they were just dead to each other.

As time progressed, so did our feelings for each other, and soon, he was proposing to me that we work hard together to get his wife onside and propose me joining them as a 'third'. Amazingly, this is actually what happened. At first she was none to happy but, knowing that previously, their marriage had been strained and they appeared to be together on 'principal' rather than any loving relationship, with me now in the picture, he was suddenly happier, more loving towards her and generally, their relationship just seemed to blossom as a result - ergo, she was benefiting from it and that seemed to make it all together more acceptable to her.

The fly in the ointment now though is me. I am really finding I am resenting this position of recent times. As my feelings for him have grown.. and thinking I could do polyamory, now I feel like I can't.. I don't want to.. and why the hell should I be facilitating their 'happy ever after'. Please help me. I accept I am jealous of their new found happiness. I think I feel angry though, because.. when it was first put to me, I was filling a void she wasn't. Now she is.. and .. well, where the hell does that leave me? I don't feel I add any value that she can't provide and yet, he seems reluctant to let me go, even though I have now stated to both of them in discussion, that I am struggling and no longer wanting this polyamorous situation for myself. Sigh.. its all feeling too much after what has already been an extremely hard couple of years for me.
 
I am sorry. Break ups are not fun even when you are the "breaker upper" rather than the one being broken up with.

he seems reluctant to let me go, even though I have now stated to both of them in discussion, that I am struggling and no longer wanting this polyamorous situation for myself.
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If that's where you are at? You wanted out and have told them both you are breaking up and bowing out? Just be broken up. No need to jade. (Justify,argue defend, explain.)

You are simply no longer willing to participate. Done. If you are willing to give details as to why you could but you do not HAVE to.

He could handle his emotional management without you.

Hopefully it does not affect your work life.

I am sorry you struggle right now, but you have the right to stop participating in things that no longer interest you.

Galagirl
 
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I love him GG .. and that's the problem. My love for him has grown and now, its painful for me to see them together. As I said, in the first instance.. it was me filling that 'void' of their 'non loving relationship' but now, that void no longer seems to exist. Do I make him happy and stay, or continue to suffer with my really 'non polyamorous heart' breaking, knowing I will never be his 'it' .. I'll always be the one propping his main relationship up and getting the occasional crumb off the table (or that's the way it feels). Curses for me being so stupid I say.
 
The fact that you love him doesn't automatically make him a good choice of partner. It sounds like you've discovered that in one very specific way you're incompatible.

You need to work out it it's an incompatibility that can be worked on—and I'd advise you to avoid working on it by trying to ease his wife out of the picture—or one that is fundamental enough that you're better off walking away.
 
Honestly sometimes love is not enough and life is too short to be miserable.

If their happiness makes you unhappy and you will never be happy unless he is yours alone then poly is not for you. My advice would be bow out gracefully.
 
I tend to agree with the others - if you can't or don't want to function as poly, bow out. I understand that you love him, but given he would not leave his wife when he was unhappy in his marriage, it's seems very unlikely that he will choose to do so now.

If you leave then either their marriage will continue to thrive or it won't. Not really your responsibility.
 
Btw, "facilitator or valued triad member?" It is all in how you look at it. From a mono perspective or a poly perspective. Nothing wrong with having either perspective, but each will tend to answer that question in a substantially different manner.
 
It is not clear to me what outcome you would like.

If it is to end the relationship, then as GG said you can simply do so (although your work life would likely become more complicated).

If not, then what do you hope for in terms of your relationship with him? You say you feel like you get "crumbs"; is there room for change there? What would make you feel valued, and have you asked for this?

Has your relationship with him changed as his connection to his wife improved, e.g., you get less time, affection, reliability? The only causes of unhappiness that you mention are related to how they interact, rather than your interaction with him.
 
Do You have any feeling for his wife at all or are you just tolerating a relationship with her to have access to him? You could always separate yourself from her. Choose to be in a v relationship with him and have him come to your place instead of going to their place. I think that's a good solution if you want to remain with him and but feel like you are a marital aid for their relationship. If these aren't terms he can agree to then move on.

ETA the reason why i post this as a viable option is it sounded like you were okay being the other woman knowing that he would never leave his wife for you. this is pretty much the same situation except now the wife knows about you.
 
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I know it hurts right now. I am very sorry. :(

Fwiw, I think you made the best choice for you so you can be free of suffering over time. Choosing to continue to suffer and stay in something that you know is not really for you and is also not really meeting your needs just to remain in his orbit? Not healthy.

The only way I know to feel better is stop and let time heal you. Not all choices in life are win or lose. Some are more like this choice stinks (staying) and this choice stinks (breaking up) so which stinks the least? I think you made the right choice in breaking up.

How can forum people help during the first few days post break up? What are you doing for comfort and self care? Did you need to write out your story in a journal to help you process? What you loved and will miss? Do you have local friends for support?

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you

Thank you... some really good bits of advice to come out of this. What do I want .. someone asked. I wish I could answer this concretely. If I could have a wish come true.. one moment, it would include his wife and all three of us co-habitating happily. Inclusion is one thing that is really important to me but, I am often excluded from family things.. and that hurts, . .. a lot. If she would allow me more access ... I would feel better about things.

At other times, I wish I could have him completely to myself but, always tempered in the back of my mind that I know this really would not be successful. It would require him to make a decision which would hurt him beyond words.. and I don't want to do that to him.. or her. I'm so confused. I have never done polyamory before and I would like to think I can make it work ... some days I feel strong and confident I can.. others, I feel completely miserable (like if I feel I am not getting enough attention, or a decision has been made which impacts me but I haven't even been apprised of before the outcome is announced). There are so many variables and new situations come up all the time. I feel exhausted and emotionally not able to keep up with the bouncing ball. I might add I was widowed last August.. so my grief is still relatively new .. and I don't wonder if I have thrown myself into something which at this point of my journey is just too difficult for me to navigate given my background.
 
Alycat said:
I might add I was widowed last August.. so my grief is still relatively new .. and I don't wonder if I have thrown myself into something which at this point of my journey is just too difficult for me to navigate given my background.
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Oh ugh, I am sorry your for your loss. Yes, your grief is still going to be fresh and it will magnify issues. I was involved in a long term (over two decades long) FMF emotional triad, sexual vee. Our hinge died in August, and I got involved with a couple way too fast - the following January. Unfortunately unlike the triad that had dissolved due to death, there were multiple issues with that. I had a hard time telling where I may have just had a case of raw nerves due to grief, and where there was really problem. Turns out the problems were not just raw nerves on my part. We did not last a year and the couple is now divorced.

It's been 4 years since I was widowed and I am just now starting to feel normal.

All of that said, I think it sounds like there are things that need to be discussed with your couple. Sometimes long term couples operate in ways out of habit and inadvertently exclude their 3rd. Google "couple privilege." See if that pertains to what you are feeling. And then talk to them about it. They may work with you to correct the issues - especially if they are behaving in ways out of habit with no intent to exclude.

In the short lived triad, it turned out that the exclusion on the part of the wife was intentional. But I doubted myself - first because of the grief issue, and second because I did not realize anyone could be so passive-aggressive.

So yeah, try do some analysis and see if you can get to the root of the matter.
 
Thanks BB. Looked up that term 'couple privilege' and yes, I think you are right. I feel there are definite areas of exclusion set up by the wife ... she is very controlled in her emotions, and cool, calm and collected in most things. I often wonder if the 'exclusion' I feel over certain matters is a form of passive aggression on her part but I don't have the experience nor the language to put it out to them for consideration in a suitably articulate way. Instead.. I end up sounding churlish and unreasonable.

Then the guy, of course, says to me.. discuss whatever with her.. when I vent my unease or unhappiness to him, re her. I don't always feel I can because I don't trust her sufficiently to believe she will address my concerns in a fair way. The more I think about this.. the more fearful I become about finding a way forward.
 
Well, don't dismiss what you are feeling. I did too lomg to my detriment. It didn't help that the husband didn't see it. Not because he was in denial, but because their personal communication was so poor, and she often misled us both.

You are a bit disadvantaged being so new to poly. I wasn't, and knew how it was supposed to work. I thought we would hit bumps in the road and work them out. It never occurred to me that someone would operate solely in her own self interest including to the detriment of her husband.

So it is hard for me to gauge what is going on in your situation. Maybe instead of talking initially, you could write out your concerns? That way it gives you a chance to present them in the most rational way possible instead of having to communicate verbally and being overcome by emotion?
 
Good advice BB. I do find I get overwhelmed and writing it down, as you say.. takes out some of the emotive content and allows you to say things much more clearly.

I sincerely would like things to work out - however that looks, either all together or me, bowing out gracefully. I have no wish to hurt others.. or to be hurt in return. Time will tell .. x
 
I'm sorry for the grief you're dealing with in regards to your late husband. Did the affair start in the wake of his death? If so, perhaps your grief caused you to accept a situation you'd normally not be in?

But...a few things.
You worked with them both and started an affair right under the other's nose. You think you could find a way to be happy in this on some days. He would like you to build with her by taking your struggles to her, but you don't trust her with your feelings. Would you think she has any reasons to trust you? You can see plenty of reasons for her to play exclusions and passive aggressive tactics? That would seem likely both in what you expect out of her specifically AND in what you'd expect out of people in general. You were a party to that happening to her at the starting point. It is in your character to behave as you now suspect she is. When the affair came to light, you were fine with her being the one struggling to accept. And perhaps she felt then how you feel now?
It would seem you two have much in common now. Is there no way to use this to work towards a meeting of minds for healing? If not, maybe its time to look inward to why you're okay creating this kind of turmoil for others now that you know a slice of how it feels. Maybe its time to move past this and your grief to a healthier relationship even if its with someone new?
 
Hi Alyct, welcome to the board, and polyamory.

I usually love GG's advice, but I think lately she is jumping to the "go ahead and break up" conclusion a bit too rapidly.

Let's recap. You lost your husband recently (my sympathies).

You work with a married couple.

You started up a secret affair with the guy, who told you his marriage had become a loveless mere formality. You were OK with being his bit on the side, a mere mistress, hidden, not able to be publically his gf.

Your bf's love for his wife rekindles as you relit his fire.

He was (finally) ethical and told his wife about the affair and she was kind enough to let it continue as an open poly relationship, with her husband as the hinge of a V.

But now you aren't content with the "scraps." You want more equality.

So, what to do, besides just breaking up? Think about your needs for validation and feeling valued. Speak up about them making decisions that affect you, but without allowing you input in the decision-making process.

Think about your needs. How many days a week do you want of bf's time? Do you want overnights, weekends together, vacations, to be introduced to his family and friends as his gf (being out)?

Try to put yourself in your metamour's place. It can be hard (to say the least) to have an affair and an offer of poly sort of thrown at you, when you thought your partner was being faithful. Their relationship has become more intimate because of the long talks they have had about you and a poly configuration now in their lives.

You were "a bit on the side" when your relationship was a secret (unethical) affair. You maybe didn't feel ready to be someone's serious gf, his primary. But now you've decided you want more involvement.

Please read this article for more information on how to go about being a secondary. Even if you have hopes for being a perfectly equal partner, that is in the future until all 3 of you figure out your needs and work with each other to meet them.

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
I dunno. Your posts don't strike me as someone who wants poly as part of their life. You strike me someone whose affair had unexpectedly good consequences in terms of possibly resurrecting a marriage. But it doesn't seem to be what you want for a serious relationship. Time to bow out.

I hope one of the takeaways for you is to behave ethically in relationships. You probably won't get so lucky in terms of fallout again.
 
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I agree with Opalescent.

There's this vibe of "my heart just isn't in it any more" here to me.

I feel exhausted and emotionally not able to keep up with the bouncing ball. I might add I was widowed last August.. so my grief is still relatively new .. and I don't wonder if I have thrown myself into something which at this point of my journey is just too difficult for me to navigate given my background.
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My deepest condolences. :(

Grief and mourning takes a while to process. I think you could be right in considering those things as you assess your present "willing and able" in all this.

Maybe it was too soon to try this on.

Maybe it was with the wrong people. Given that it began as a cheating affair -- That doesn't sound like auspicious beginnings for ethical non-monogamy.

Maybe "primary-secondary" is not a model you enjoy, but a different model you could. Or maybe you just enjoy one-on-one relating the best.

These are things only you can answer for yourself though.

Galagirl
 
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Alycat said:
I might add I was widowed last August.. so my grief is still relatively new .. and I don't wonder if I have thrown myself into something which at this point of my journey is just too difficult for me to navigate given my background.
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Oh Alycat... you are not alone. I'm just over 26 months out.

Poly is hard. It's harder when you're actively going through grief. And for ME, grief was harder the 2nd year - the protective layer of numbness was gone and I was suddenly having to deal with emotions and feelings without the ability to numb it out.

Do you have support for the grief? The widowhood? Some sites you may want to check out are sslf.org, thewiddahood.com and campwidow.org. Amazing sites that have helped me immensely.

Back to poly. Do you feel supported by them in your grief? or are they a "happy place" where you can go and forget about the loss? Do they enrich you and give you a place to be you in all that entails? or is it a matter of having to find a safe place to be your whole self outside of the relationship?

If you love him and want a "family unit" with them - then tell them! Have a conversation with her and him together. Get to know her. Ask to be included - don't assume that they know how you feel or that they don't want you there - perhaps they think you don't want anything more and wish that you did?

If you want to talk about widowhood/poly and navigating those waters (not that I'm an expert in either, by any means) I'm all ears. I'm working through my own poly situation as a widow... although we're the "couple" and have brought a 3rd into our lives.

((((HUGS)))))

You are not alone.
 
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