Needadvice2023
New member
Hello everyone,
I have been all over looking for advice, as my relationship has gotten to a really bad place. On the one hand, I feel I am to blame for all of this, but on the other, I feel disrespected and replaced.
I will try to keep this quick and to the point. My spouse and I have been poly for about 5-6 years now, married for 13, together for 15. It started with sexual encounters to gain some freedom and experiences, as we'f married young and had never gotten to experience much. His experience was harder than mine. As I have noticed with many poly men, it’s harder to find partners willing to enter this lifestyle. I am pansexual and very much a sexual person. He discovered that he is deeply demisexual.
About 14 months ago, he met his current gf. They clicked immediately and he began bringing her around the family and friend group more and more. Everyone seemed to get along and things were fine, some jealousy here or there, and NRE, but it was talked about or handled.
Some boundaries we had laid down were crossed. We talked it out.
He pushed some things on me: letting her move in, hiring her as an employee, and going public with their relationship. I will admit I caved on these things and did not put my foot down, partly due to wanting him to be happy, but also to not be perceived as the difficult or jealous spouse. It was poor communication at the time. I admit that. Mind you, though, we had always functioned on a hierarchal dynamic and had always kept things very private prior.
Within 6 months she had completely assimilated into our life, home, work, everything.
About 5 months into that relationship, I met a partner who quickly became my bf. This was completely new to me, as my relationships were mostly fwb or strictly sexual and kept far from the family or main dynamic. This relationship was amazing, I had never clicked so well with another person. We went through our NRE. I was really happy with him.
My husband immediately lost it. He became angry and jealous and would do everything to start fights or arguments. We stopped being intimate or spending our time together that we would set aside. The communication all but stopped. It was 3 months of this, until my partner had to leave for work and we broke it off. (We remain very close friends.)
Ever since my bf and I broke it off, my husband has slowly been replacing me with his gf. He no longer takes my feelings into account. So many boundaries have been crossed, I can’t even list them all. He has stopped confiding in me or talking to me beyond work-related things. I’ve been pushed out of my own spaces and made to feel often as if I’m a stranger in my own home.
I’ll admit I’ve been petty at times, and angry, but always in response to how I feel I’m being treated. I’ve even brought up countless times how I feel I’m being replaced by her, and I’ve been gaslit, told I’m crazy, or that he could never love anyone else like he loves me.
Well, a few weeks ago, we got into a huge fight. He essentially told me he wants to be with her, and that, while he loves me, he’s not in love with me. Also, he opened up communication and admitted he was wrong in so many places the last year (as did I). But now he wants to be with his gf and be happy. After months and months of fighting, he wants to go to a non-hierarchical dynamic and work on our stuff on the side.
While selfish and unfair in a way (I admit), I suggested that we should put poly on hold and focus on our relationship, going to therapy, and our family (we have a child). That it would take time, but we could get over this and rebuild. He does not want to do this. I have told him I never consented to a non-hierarchical system and it’s not fair now for me to be pushed into this, when it’s not what I want. I never wanted many things he did with his gf, but he pushed me into them and made me out to be the bad guy if I didn’t let these things happen (such as her moving in or going public to our family).
Right now, we have agreed to separate. I see no other logical outcome. We both want different things in our lives.
I feel if I did turn to non-hierarchical poly just to keep the family together, that he would become jealous again if I found someone. I feel guilty and horrible asking him to become monogamous again, but I see no other way to fix the relationship than to focus on each other and heal together. I feel he used poly to find a new partner and effectively replaced his spouse when faced with jealousy.
I just need advice, as what I’ve gotten has been 50/50 or is coming from people who have no experience in a poly relationship. I also want to note that his gf and I had no problems with each other until my bf came around. Then she took his side with the anger and jealousy and since had been petty, malicious, and ugly to me.
My gut says to separate, divorce and start over, but I still love my husband. We have built 15 years and a family together! Am I wrong for wanting more or not wanting to try and fix it on his terms, that I don’t want? Be honest, please.
I have been all over looking for advice, as my relationship has gotten to a really bad place. On the one hand, I feel I am to blame for all of this, but on the other, I feel disrespected and replaced.
I will try to keep this quick and to the point. My spouse and I have been poly for about 5-6 years now, married for 13, together for 15. It started with sexual encounters to gain some freedom and experiences, as we'f married young and had never gotten to experience much. His experience was harder than mine. As I have noticed with many poly men, it’s harder to find partners willing to enter this lifestyle. I am pansexual and very much a sexual person. He discovered that he is deeply demisexual.
About 14 months ago, he met his current gf. They clicked immediately and he began bringing her around the family and friend group more and more. Everyone seemed to get along and things were fine, some jealousy here or there, and NRE, but it was talked about or handled.
Some boundaries we had laid down were crossed. We talked it out.
He pushed some things on me: letting her move in, hiring her as an employee, and going public with their relationship. I will admit I caved on these things and did not put my foot down, partly due to wanting him to be happy, but also to not be perceived as the difficult or jealous spouse. It was poor communication at the time. I admit that. Mind you, though, we had always functioned on a hierarchal dynamic and had always kept things very private prior.
Within 6 months she had completely assimilated into our life, home, work, everything.
About 5 months into that relationship, I met a partner who quickly became my bf. This was completely new to me, as my relationships were mostly fwb or strictly sexual and kept far from the family or main dynamic. This relationship was amazing, I had never clicked so well with another person. We went through our NRE. I was really happy with him.
My husband immediately lost it. He became angry and jealous and would do everything to start fights or arguments. We stopped being intimate or spending our time together that we would set aside. The communication all but stopped. It was 3 months of this, until my partner had to leave for work and we broke it off. (We remain very close friends.)
Ever since my bf and I broke it off, my husband has slowly been replacing me with his gf. He no longer takes my feelings into account. So many boundaries have been crossed, I can’t even list them all. He has stopped confiding in me or talking to me beyond work-related things. I’ve been pushed out of my own spaces and made to feel often as if I’m a stranger in my own home.
I’ll admit I’ve been petty at times, and angry, but always in response to how I feel I’m being treated. I’ve even brought up countless times how I feel I’m being replaced by her, and I’ve been gaslit, told I’m crazy, or that he could never love anyone else like he loves me.
Well, a few weeks ago, we got into a huge fight. He essentially told me he wants to be with her, and that, while he loves me, he’s not in love with me. Also, he opened up communication and admitted he was wrong in so many places the last year (as did I). But now he wants to be with his gf and be happy. After months and months of fighting, he wants to go to a non-hierarchical dynamic and work on our stuff on the side.
While selfish and unfair in a way (I admit), I suggested that we should put poly on hold and focus on our relationship, going to therapy, and our family (we have a child). That it would take time, but we could get over this and rebuild. He does not want to do this. I have told him I never consented to a non-hierarchical system and it’s not fair now for me to be pushed into this, when it’s not what I want. I never wanted many things he did with his gf, but he pushed me into them and made me out to be the bad guy if I didn’t let these things happen (such as her moving in or going public to our family).
Right now, we have agreed to separate. I see no other logical outcome. We both want different things in our lives.
I feel if I did turn to non-hierarchical poly just to keep the family together, that he would become jealous again if I found someone. I feel guilty and horrible asking him to become monogamous again, but I see no other way to fix the relationship than to focus on each other and heal together. I feel he used poly to find a new partner and effectively replaced his spouse when faced with jealousy.
I just need advice, as what I’ve gotten has been 50/50 or is coming from people who have no experience in a poly relationship. I also want to note that his gf and I had no problems with each other until my bf came around. Then she took his side with the anger and jealousy and since had been petty, malicious, and ugly to me.
My gut says to separate, divorce and start over, but I still love my husband. We have built 15 years and a family together! Am I wrong for wanting more or not wanting to try and fix it on his terms, that I don’t want? Be honest, please.
