Fairly new and struggling

[dismalunicorn]

Hi all,
I’ve become part of an already established, long term relationship. I’m a lesbian and in a relationship with the female partner (her “primary” partner is male). We are all good friends, we get on very well, and we all have the same interests.

My partner and I keep reaching bumps in the road which seem to be affecting the relationship. She has called things off two times already. It appears she sometimes struggles to maintain two relationships. Meanwhile, I tend to battle with high jealousy from time to time and I get this feeling that it’s becoming detrimental. I don’t want to mess things up.

It’s not all bad though. When things are good they are SO GOOD. They have kids and they are fantastic and we call get on so well. My partner has described me as “the missing puzzle piece” in their family. I really want to make sure this works out. How do I proceed? How do others tackle the jealousy?

 

[Magdlyn]

I’ve become part of an already established, long term relationship. I’m a lesbian and in a relationship with the female partner (her “primary” partner is male). We are all good friends, we get on very well, and we all have the same interests.

My partner and I keep reaching bumps in the road which seem to be affecting the relationship. She has called things off two times already. It appears she sometimes struggles to maintain two relationships.

Can you be more specific about what seems to be bothering her?

Meanwhile, I tend to battle with high jealousy from time to time and I get this feeling that it’s becoming detrimental.

It sounds like this is your first poly relationship. Jealousy is normal. It stems from fear of loss. And then there is envy, or FOMO, too.

I don’t want to mess things up.

It’s not all bad though. When things are good they are SO GOOD. They have kids and they are fantastic and we call get on so well. My partner has described me as “the missing puzzle piece” in their family. I really want to make sure this works out. How do I proceed? How do others tackle the jealousy?

Please see our list of helpful resources here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

On there is at least one link about jealousy.

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is

www.kathylabriola.com

But I suggest you also read up on what to expect when dating someone who is already part of an established couple. There are several articles linked about that.

Finally, all people new to poly, in my opinion, should read the books Opening Up and Polysecure. They will give you a great foundation as you explore this new way of loving.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings dismalunicorn,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Here are some more jealousy links:

• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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