Family struggle with poly and monogamous

Artsy

New member
My husband and I opened our relationship a long time ago, at the beginning of our relationship. Unfortunately we started on bad terms.


Our relationship was going south and he offered this up as a solution. I agreed because at the time, I'd do anything to work on our relationship. The problem was, I've always been strictly monogamous. So when we decided to do this, I felt like I kind of lost a bit of myself in the process.


And of course jealousy was a big part. He got happier but he didn't want to work on any of the issues I was having so things only got worse. The woman he started seeing kept asking him to leave me for her, and over time it got so bad, he almost agreed. And then I got pregnant. I guess he "came to his senses" and he stopped seeing her and agreed to close our relationship, he agreed it was the best for our child.


Fast forward to when our son was born, he and I both fell into a depression, his was due to work, mine was postpartum. Unfortunately he left me to deal with it alone, and the baby. I grew so tired and lonely that after 2 years, I agreed to open our relationship up once more.


This time around it was much better, we were very open and honest, and understand on both sides. But then, very recently, he met a woman, and got very attached, very quickly. I discussed with him how it made me feel uneasy, especially when he choose to spend time with her over me and his son, often.


I started getting the feelings I was before, when we first started this journey. And no matter what I asked him to do, whether it was spend a little extra time with us or to be home when I need him, he fought with me, tooth and nail. So finally I asked him what he wanted and he told me he wants something permanent with her like he has with me.


And tbh I'm not even close to being ready for something like that. But he told me that's the only way he'll be happy.


So for the sake of our son and love for my husband, do I just let him have what he wants and try to find a way to live with it? And how much of myself do I have to lose just to be happy with him?


And if I choose to be ok with this, how do I get him to understand that our son and I come first and are important too?
 
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SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
You can't make someone understand that you think you and your son should be most important to them. And the worst part is that even if they believe they are treating you with that level of significance, it might not be in the way you want. They'll show it in their way which may not be of any benefit to you.

Poly isn't something you do to fix unviable relationships. Those rules you mentioned in the other thread are a sure fire way to expedite any issues.

My gut says you and your husband need to split up as your relationship is not a loving one any more even if you do love each other. Do not get anyone else involved.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry you struggle.

I mean this kindly, ok?

So for the sake of our son and love for my husband, do I just let him have what he wants and try to find a way to live with it? And how much of myself do I have to lose just to be happy with him?

And if I choose to be ok with this, how do I get him to understand that our son and I come first and are important too?

Why would he put you first when YOU don't even put you first? :(

I want to ask you why you aren't living true to the things YOU value? Why do you keep trying to shape yourself around what husband wants even though you know doing that makes you "lose yourself?" Do you want to THRIVE in your romantic relationships or just survive them?

Why do you ignore you? Don't you matter too? :(

You are strictly monogamous. You were having issues and not getting what you need from this relationship. You went against your own grain hoping agreeing to Open would make husband happy and he'd become more willing to work on issues between you. Did that happen? Nope.

I don't know why you guys were TTC is things were rocky but ok. Here comes baby. Then you were dealing with postpartum and baby on your own, because he was having his own depression. You aren't getting what you need from this relationship so you agree to Open again. Again hoping that if he was happier Open, he would get around to working things out with you.

Still not really worked out and now it is going a bit fast with the other woman. And he's STILL not spending the time you want with you as a romantic partner and kid(as family). Spending time with you on this side of the V has to be fought for "tooth and nail."

If you are being taken for granted? If you don't get what you need from the relationship?

What are you getting out of participating here like this?

And tbh I'm not even close to being ready for something like that. But he told me that's the only way he'll be happy.

Well, then you can tell him you no longer want to do Open. You guys want different things in life so best to break up. He has to find a way to be happy without you in the romance mix. Just around as his coparent. Just as you have to find a way to be happy without him as a romantic partner. Just as a coparent. Maybe that works out better for both.

Sometimes the last loving act is to let go. Because there has to be a point were you say "I love you, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

Start putting YOUR health and YOUR well being first.

Poly isn't a bandaid for relationship that just don't work. :(

Galagirl
 

PinkPig

Member
Staying together for the sake of our children isn't doing our children any favors. BTDT. My children are adults now. They all have told me that they wish I'd left their father when they were younger. IMHO, the best thing we can do for our children is to be our authentic selves so they can learn to do the same. We can't do that when we're bending ourselves into pretzels. You and your partner are incompatible.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
They all have told me that they wish I'd left their father when they were younger. IMHO, the best thing we can do for our children is to be our authentic selves so they can learn to do the same.

My spouse is an adult child of divorce and he says the same thing. All the siblings saw the writing on the wall and rather than "stay together for the children" they would have all been better with the parents ending it sooner rather than dragging on for more years with the fights behind closed doors. The kids could hear everything. Living in that house was rough.

Plus... what happens when the child is adult and needs to know how to leave with grace? How's that get modeled?

Galagirl
 

icesong

Member
Also an adult child of a pretty horrific should-have-been-divorced situation. If you two are miserable together - or even if one of you is - you owe it to everyone not to stay in that situation.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Artsy,

I think at this late date you need a compromise. You need him to give a little for once. Like say, "I will consent to you having something permanent with her, *if and only if* you start putting me and our son first." Don't just let him steamroll over you with his talk of, "I won't be happy any other way." You say, "And I won't be happy unless you start giving a little every time you take a little." Marriage is supposed to be a two-way street.

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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