Fantasy to reality (advice on healthy polyamorous dynamics)

[ecofriend]

Hi All

A great, mature forum, congratulations everyone. It somehow eluded my awareness for years, and I'm pleased to have finally discovered the vibrant discussions happening here.

I'm a 43-year-old male with a wonderful female partner. Our love for each other is strong, and our intimate life is fulfilling. We're both eager to explore and enhance our experiences, and my partner has already initiated a polyamorous plan to spice things up. Since she put it to action, our love has got even deeper.

In terms of my aspirations, I have long harboured the dream of forming a lasting friendship with a loving couple. In fact, I previously engaged in a relationship in my 20's with a married couple decades ago, both significantly older than myself. The relationship spanned approximately two years.

Reflecting on the past, I've come to value core principles such as good intentions, openness, mutual respect. If dominance is involved, it has to be strictly as part of the play. These remain my top priorities.

What I am looking for is, admittedly, full of paradoxes.
An ideal couple would be straight and mutually faithful, with the man being bi-curious. That said, we would fully unleash our desires once we get to know each other.
Both of them should be sincere, ethical, egalitarian, as I am. Still, I would very much appreciate a chance to act out some spicy role-plays, which might be considered contradictory to this expectation. Here is an example. In the most daring scenario, I would like there to be some element of acted intrigue, sadomasochism, patternality, would want to play their 21+ year-old son whom each of them would secretly seek to offer to the other one. Some element of pressure, so that I could feel being used and have something to oppose.
I would love to get to know the dreams of the two and to help make them come true.

It would be fabulous if we could discover together new territories - whether erotic, creative or intellectual. I would love to spend a weekend, say, once or twice a year, together, whether in some picturesque place - or even at a hotel in London.
As another scenario, it would be great to share a huge bed for 3 days, so that we could explore our fantasies on the verge of sleep. Think of a middle-of-the-night orgy.

No drugs. Very little alcohol - if at all. Instead, considerable amount of caresses and masturbation (tantric, that is) to inspire going beyond the conceivalble.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I wonder how it all resonates with you and if you could share your experience:
1. Is a long-term relationship possible MF-M?
2. How can I, as the single man in such a setting, contribute to healthy atmosphere in such a relationship without imposing too many rules?
3. Is there anything counterintuitive that I should/shouldn't do in relation to the couple and my girlfriend?
4. Can introducing bisexuality and polyamory to such an existing heterosexual, otherwise hermetic relationship (as per the ideal profile) nourish and strengthen it? It would be great to hear from those of you who have managed to achieve that feat.
5. Where to look, apart from this forum? I have done a quick check of the existing dating apps in terms of couples but had an impression they are meant for hookups rather than something I am looking for.
Thanks for reading. Comments and guidance would be much appreciated.

ecofriend

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ecofriend,

You seem to have a clear idea of what you would like and what you are looking for, it sounds like a sweet fantasy, I hope you can find it in reality. A long-term relationship is possible with an FM+M configuration, you just have to find the right people that fit together and are good about communicating. Basically anything is possible (and ethical) as long as you have mutual consent. Every polycule is unique, as is every individual in the polycule. You can try Feeld and OKCupid but both are known to have problems. Honestly, the best way to find your couple is to get out there and meet people in person.

Anyway those are my thoughts.
Kevin T.

 

[icesong]

So basically you’re a male unicorn, seeking a (mostly?) sexual relationship with a straight-ish couple. Definitely there are people looking for that, I’d recommend you do a search on “unicorn hunters” to find some of the pitfalls you may run into. Less so, I think, for you than many - for whatever reason, perhaps patriarchy, I’ve seen a bit less toxicity out of couples seeking a male triad partner than I’ve seen out of ones seeking women. “Comet” relationships (with that kind of once or twice a month tempo you mention) also seem to average a bit healthier somehow - perhaps it’s the limited time that means there’s less time for ugliness to develop.

 

[PolyQ]

Hello ecofriend!

Thank you for taking the time to share this moment of your journey in this space - the fact that you are asking these questions of yourself and seeking information to inform what happens next already shows that you are approaching your journey into poly from a place of respect, for yourself, your partner, and your future lovers.

I have some reflections to share based on my journey as the third person entering an existing relationship. Every polycule is different and every experience of opening up unfolds in its own way - so these comments may or may not resonate with you or with anyone else who has been on a similar journey.

It sounds like you have some very detailed and specific ideas about exactly what you are looking for - spanning things from their queerness (straight/bi-curious), their internal relationship dynamics (mutually faithful - as a side note I would be interested to understand what you mean by that), their personalities and values (sincere, egalitarian), their kinks (roleplay etc), and the activities you would share together (weekends away). While everyone brings their own hopes and desires to any new relationship - poly or otherwise - you might want to reflect on what it would feel like to the third party to sit down, literally or metaphorically, opposite a list like that. How much space are you offering to those opposite to bring who they are you the table? To express their hopes and desires? To explore and evolve in their own queerness, polyness, relationship dynamics, kinks and activities? Wherever and however you meet people I would encourage you to think about the openness, curiousity and space you are offering those opposite to be and explore who they are.

You might also want to think, and spend some time discussing with your partner, what function you are looking for this new relationship to perform within your existing relationship. You mention your partner 'initiating a polyamorous plan to spice things up'. Initiating a new relationship for the purpose of spicing up an existing relationship can have very significant impacts on how the new relationship unfolds. What if it doesn't have the effect you are looking for? What if it does for one of you but not the other? What unspoken expectations and limitations might you be bringing into your new relationship that hinge on something they can't control (i.e. how it effects your existing relationship), and how will you communicate with them about that.

I hope this helps
Good luck!

 

[Evie]

Have you tried Fetlife?

 

[ecofriend]

@Kevin
Thank you for your reassuring words. I appreciate the hint about Feeld; I was not aware of this platform. However, if it presents any issues, I will stick to the forum formula, which seems more suitable, at least for now.

@icesong
Thanks for providing the lingo. It is good to have this named, and I will, indeed, need to do some reading.

The matter is much more delicate than people may prefer to think, and you are spot on in terms of risks being there also for the unicorn, apart from the risks for the existing relationship. A sense of justice is something not to be taken lightly, and I agree it is not about equal distribution. In PA context, it is about love, isn't it?
Looking at the good of all the other parties feels the right thing to do, and ideally, everyone would advocate for the good of others primarily, which is what makes it both beautiful and tricky.

Indeed, seeing people less often does minimise manifestation of bad traits. As for my motivation, it is not even about the depth of the integration but whether or not you see yourself as a family member - a completely different category - of the couple long-term. Intimate friendship carries, potentially, so much intensity that I would not even want to ask for more. If you do, you end up getting something else. Family is a completely different set of dynamics. In that respect, I am finding it it almost unthinkable I might want to go this route at all, but this is what might make me a "unicorn", it turns out.
That said I did mention family 'entanglements' indeed, so let me clarify just in case, I was thinking screenplay rather than a proper adoption
And I would be delighted to participate in other people's scenarios which are totally different.
Congratulations on your lasting relationships.

@PolyQ
Openness, curiosity and space
That is a valid point. Indeed, I have specified my wants in much detail. Whereas I did in order to let people get an idea of who I am and what I am after, I reflect I may have come across as needy.
To fix the balance, I am very much curious of both the man and the woman in terms of their desires, also beyond the 'currently conceivable', and by opening up I would like to encourage the couple to lower get creative as well. Whether I would be so prescriptive in contact with the couple I am looking for, I think I will now be more attuned to the voicings of their desire, thank you.

Cherishing what you have
I totally agree on the needs, nuances and threats polyamory brings to an existing relationship, which consists for three persons now. So far, things have been going smoothly in that both of us appreciate that opening up has enriched it. In terms of 'justice', we agree that our common and individual rights have been given proper definition and attention.
In terms of ramifications, it is working beautifully in that I do not know the guy, so we do not even need to worry whether he and I could make good friends because that is not in the agenda. I know who he is, and I trust he knows just enough about me, but my girlfriend and I have done the thinking to prevent us all gravitating into something none of us would have probably ever wanted in the first place. I know this may come across as cool calculation but it might be the surest safeguard there is where desire transforms people by design.

Opening up my side adds further to the complexity of it all for sure. Now that we are on a new plateau (in terms of challenges, not sensations), moving further creates new risks and we on the lookoout.

I think this matter is much deeper than described and at the end of the day having done our part to the limits of our abilities, all we can do is enjoy what you have and hope for the best

Thank you for your comments pointing at some of my potential blind spots. Combined with the story you shared, your remarks have sent chills down my spine. We are all playing with fire, in a sense. Best of luck.

@Evie
Fetlife - to be honest, that space looks to me like hell... too scary for me. That said, I do appreciate the hint; maybe in twenty years, although my present me would hope not

 

[Magdlyn]

Have you tried Fetlife?

I am surprised you're scared of Fetlife to the point where you think you can't face it for 20 years, if ever. Your parents/son scenario is pretty out there, and might shock a lot of people too. lol Nothing wrong with age play, I do it too. My partner and I are switches and we do both DD/lg and Mommy/son play (with each other; we don't have threesomes). It's erotic and healing, as good kink should be.

You don't have to delve into every kink known to man on FL to take advantage of its benefits. You can just do a search for age play type dynamics in the search bar for kinks and see how others have dealt with making their age play dreams come true, found partners, dealt with difficulties, enjoyed the ride, etc.

 

[ecofriend]

@Magdlyn
Point taken, thank you. Will take another look.

@Evie
Sorry, it must have been this combination of black and red on that forum - as opposed to white and blue here - that dominated my first impression. And 20 years is a long time, as noted by Magdlyn We all evolve.

 

[Magdlyn]

@Magdlyn
Point taken, thank you. Will take another look.

@Evie
Sorry, it must have been this combination of black and red on that forum - as opposed to white and blue here - that dominated my first impression. And 20 years is a long time, as noted by Magdlyn We all evolve.

Ah, it was just those colors that scared you? Black, the darkness of night (or the dungeon). Red, the color of passion (or perhaps a well-spanked ass).

BDSM means bondage, discipline, and sadomasochism. But the DS part also stands for dominance and submission, which is an aspect of your favorite fantasy.

In the most daring scenario, I would like there to be some element of acted intrigue, sadomasochism, patternality, would want to play their 21+ year-old son whom each of them would secretly seek to offer to the other one. Some element of pressure, so that I could feel being used and have something to oppose.

It sounds like you have to get used to what it's gonna take to get you from masturbatory fantasies to the reality of making those fantasies come true (or at least coming close), with other real flesh and blood people. It's going to take work, time, hope, disappointment, more work, rejection, hopes dashed, thrills and chills and tears. Gird your loins. Polyamory is a rollercoaster of emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly.