Fantasy vs Reality

[Ostrich]

First, I am not sure what should be the title for this thread, so bear with me. I will do my best to describe this situation, then pose the question.

Two people meet and are mutually attracted to each other. So much so that one of the persons has the goal of structuring the relationship based on a mutually agreed upon 'ideal' relationship (or the original descriptor: 'fantasy). The idea is to create a relationship which blocks outside influences (or distractions), so the couple has a goal, or goals to achieve their agreed upon relationship. Only then will distractions be allowed to infiltrate their 'fantasy' relationship. The partners of this couple would be considered distractions.

Granted, to some (or most) this may be a good approach to keep boundaries in place and respect those boundaries. However, I think that ignoring or blocking outside influences in the beginning could set this relationship up for failure, as once the couple starts allowing distractions into their 'ideal' relationship, those distractions could negatively impact that relationship, especially the longer the distractions were held at bay (blocking or ignoring).

So my question is this: should the couple at least acknowledge (or to a stronger degree, ignore) distractions at the beginning of a relationship while respecting each others boundaries, or should they more directly allow/address distractions in the beginning and continue to address as their relationship matures?

Full disclosure, I am not considering this approach for any relationship, but know of a couple who tried that approach. For them, It failed. Still, I am curious if this 'fantasy' approach is healthy for a budding relationship, or could it be harmful? If anyone has any experience in conducting this exercise, please post. I will certainly provide clarification, should there be questions.

 

[TinCup]

If I were considered a distraction [as defined in the OP] by a partner then I wouldn't want to be a partner any longer.

To me, it blows up when the new format is explained to me.

 

[Ostrich]

If I were considered a distraction [as defined in the OP] by a partner then I wouldn't want to be a partner any longer.

To me, it blows up when the new format is explained to me.

I'll clarify. The partner themselves wouldn't be a distraction, but any relationship issues between Partner Set A or Partner Set B would be considered a distraction and 'ignored' by Partner Set C. I think the word 'shield' and 'shielding' might be more appropriate. Although to me it would basically be ignoring. FWIW.

 

[TinCup]

Ah, okay, for me, Partner Set A and Partner Set B are separate distinct things and are allowed to design their relationship as they see fit. So if an issue happens in Relationship A, the issue is managed in Relationship A. It is human and loving for Partner B to offer empathy and support to Partner C but Issue A is not an issue for Partner B or Relationship B.

I don't really see this as fantasy but more how Hinge C should manage their relationships anyway.

 

[GalaGirl]

I struggle when there are no names. So I will make up generic color names for the story people. Is this what you are saying? Like...

Red and Blue meet and are mutually attracted to each other. So much so that Red suggests temporarily Closing. Just them for now. A goal of structuring their relationship based on a mutually agreed upon 'ideal' fantasy relationship. The idea is to create a relationship which blocks outside people's influences or distractions. So the couple can focus on their goal of stabilizing their own relationship first and achieving their agreed upon "ideal couple relationship."

Only after that gets done will Red and Blue consider Open relationship up and start dating new people again.

Is that the story?

I'll clarify. The partner themselves wouldn't be a distraction, but any relationship issues between Partner Set A or Partner Set B would be considered a distraction and 'ignored' by Partner Set C.

Or like....

"Red wants the (Red and Blue) relationship to be just about them. (Red and Orange) stuff and (Blue and Purple) stuff stays out there in those dyads. Don't be bringing those problems over here into the (Red and Blue) dyad."

To me that is just keeping strong personal boundaries and not being leaky hinges. I'd be ok with that. I would not want (my relationship with Red) to just be (Red telling me about their relationship problems with Orange).

But if Red says "Hey, Orange's Mom has cancer and is in hospice care. So while I want to spend time with you and maintain our separate relationship, I need to make you aware. When Mom is dying and Orange calls me it is time to do last goodbyes, I may have to cancel a date on short notice." I'd be fine with that. Life things happen.

If more like the first scenario in blue? Then I think that's weird. Even if this was monogamy and not polyamory... you want to do what? Go steady after a few dates? C'mon! I'd wonder why Red was wanting to isolate me from other people so much and why our relationship cannot be built in normal conditions. Why does it matter to Red so much that I not have "distractions" and interactions with others.

Red doesn't want me to be around friends, family, or dating potentials who'd go "You know that Red person sounds weird, right? Like they are love bombing you and trying to rope you off, right?"

The whole original language of other people being "distractions" and "infiltrating" the relationship... if that was how someone I was dating put it to me I'd be turned off. I do not want to be in the special little bubble place. Starts reminding me of narcissists I've known. And insecure people I've known. Why are these artificial conditions even needed? What makes this "fantasy relationship" different than "regular relationship?"

Red suggesting kink or something? Why not just say they are into kink and ask if I want to plan a scene together?

I believe in having shared goals in a partnership and working toward them. Building something together.

I get there being times for being more Closed than others or giving one partner a bit more TLC -- honeymoon, pregnancy, intense stress time at work, having a bad illness, caring for an elder as they die. This would not be a time to start dating new people.

But if it's just regular ol' life? I rather build my relationship in regular ol' life conditions.

So my question is this: should the couple at least acknowledge (or to a stronger degree, ignore) distractions at the beginning of a relationship while respecting each others boundaries, or should they more directly allow/address distractions in the beginning and continue to address as their relationship matures?

In both monogamous dating and poly dating? I think it's best to let whichever relationship(s) are maturing and getting serious, get serious in their own time in their own way.

"Distractions" in the form of attractive people are always around. If the bank teller is cute? It doesn't mean I'm gonna just jump their bones. I'm not dead. I can notice beauty in the world.

I can also keep my Word and my commitments to actual partners I'm with.

Full disclosure, I am not considering this approach for any relationship, but know of a couple who tried that approach. For them, It failed. Still, I am curious if this 'fantasy' approach is healthy for a budding relationship, or could it be harmful? If anyone has any experience in conducting this exercise, please post. I will certainly provide clarification, should there be questions.

I don't think "fantasy" approach is ok for a budding relationship for people who just met. I think it sounds weird.

Unless this is some kink scene fantasy thing (and even then I'd wonder about how Red approaches me) creating artificial conditions for some "ideal" thing to exist in doesn't make any sense to me. Because I don't live there. I live in real life.

The "fantasy relationship" is not built in "regular life" conditions. It's artificial. So doomed to crumble when real life sets in because it wasn't realistic expectations from the start.

Again... Why's the "fantasy relationship" even needed? What makes it different than "regular relationship?" That's what I'd be asking Red.

Galagirl

 

[Ostrich]

Ah, okay, for me, Partner Set A and Partner Set B are separate distinct things and are allowed to design their relationship as they see fit. So if an issue happens in Relationship A, the issue is managed in Relationship A. It is human and loving for Partner B to offer empathy and support to Partner C but Issue A is not an issue for Partner B or Relationship B.

I don't really see this as fantasy but more how Hinge C should manage their relationships anyway.

Definitely, I agree. My question is geared more towards thinking about an 'ideal' or 'fantasy' relationship, while shielding the 'fantasy' from outside influences.

This is the way I see it. Lots of people have an 'ideal' relationship in their head. Fine, it helps you identify what you want, even if you can't get everything you want in a relationship. However, by 'ignoring' outside influences to create your 'fantasy', you're setting yourself up for failure. Outside influences are always going to have some impact to a relationship, no matter how hard you try. What if an individual in Relationship A does not want their partner to have any interaction with an individual in Relationship B? Isn't that an influence which can't be ignored?

Maybe it's just me, but to trying to create a 'fantasy' relationship while managing reality based relationships seems like it could doom the 'fantasy'.

 

[Ostrich]

GG, you are almost there. I've augmented your clarified relationship above to give more context.

Red and Blue meet and are mutually attracted to each other. So much so that Red suggests temporarily Closing. Just them for now. A goal of structuring their relationship based on a mutually agreed upon 'ideal' fantasy relationship. The idea is to create a relationship which blocks outside people's influences or distractions. So the couple can focus on their goal of stabilizing their own relationship first and achieving their agreed upon "ideal couple relationship."

Only after that gets done will Red and Blue consider Open relationship up and start dating new people again.

Red is already in a committed relationship, and so is Blue. Then Red and Blue meet...

This definitely was a poly relationship. I'm not even sure how this would work in a mono relationship.

By 'distractions' I mean relationship issues which may pop up within Relationship A and/or Relationship B which could directly Red and Blue in Relationship C.

 

[Evie]

Sounds like Red and Blue would like to be wrapped up in NRE for a while and not talk with each other about their other relationship issues because these would distract from the NRE. Then, eventually they will start learning about all the other bits and pieces that make up the other's daily life. This kinda just sounds like a normal relationship progression and could apply in mono, too, just without the metamour aspect.

What are you actually asking about?

 

[GalaGirl]

So I guessed right.

(Orange + {Red) + [Blue} + Purple]

and the {Red + Blue} is the new part.

I think it's fine for Red and Blue to want to have a little NRE time on their own, but when they are dating in a poly context? They can't pretend their other things aren't going on. Orange and Purple are not "distractions." These are "established partners." So best to acknowledge these relationships exist, and will ALSO need time and care.

It's not gonna be all about the New Shiny Person all the time.

What's Red wanting to do? Be in the NRE bubble pretending that Red and Blue don't have other obligations? It's just them?

Red and Blue could probably do that "suspended reality" or "fantasy" thing for a scheduled weekend getaway. Go be off in their little bubble for a little bit. That could be a more realistic way to have some "fantasy time" within the larger context.

But Red and Blue can't do that for a huuuuuge amount of time. They have other partners to tend to that also require care, time, attention. Because both Orange and Purple DO exist. They are here. Both Red and Blue have undertaken other responsibilities and commitments. Can't just ignore their other partners indefinitely while caught up in NRE. That's not realistic nor kind.

If Red and Blue neglect their other people for long time? Watch Orange and Purple start to get fed up and possibly even break up because they get tired of being taken for granted in favor of the New Shiny Person.

If Purple interrupts a date with an emergency call of "Come quick! My cancer Mom is dying, last chance to say goodbye at hospice care" and Blue goes "I'm so sorry, Red! I have to cut this date short and go say goodbye!"

Red is gonna do what? Pitch a fit that Blue allowed "distractions" into the NRE bubble fantasy? That Blue didn't stay at the NRE lala clouds date? But instead went to pay final respects? That sounds unrealistic and kinda mean if Red behaves like that.

Could give other examples, but that's what I mean. If "fantasy relationship" is built expecting artificial conditions or pretenses? The fantasy is doomed to crumble whenever real life sets in because it wasn't realistic expectations from the start.

There has to be a balance between the new relationship and the established relationships. Red and Blue have to figure that out.

If they set more realistic expectations at the start? Then maybe they can have a little of both. Make some time and space for NRE bubble time, and still make time and space for meeting their other commitments.

Galagirl

 

[Ostrich]

Sounds like Red and Blue would like to be wrapped up in NRE for a while and not talk with each other about their other relationship issues because these would distract from the NRE. Then, eventually they will start learning about all the other bits and pieces that make up the other's daily life. This kinda just sounds like a normal relationship progression and could apply in mono, too, just without the metamour aspect.

What are you actually asking about?

I'm asking if Red and Blue, working towards a 'fantasy' or 'ideal' relationship while not allowing outside relationship distractions from Orange and Purple, would be healthy in the beginning portion of a new relationship. Or would it be healthy to acknowledge outside relationship issues from Orange and Blue at the beginning of a new relationship?

 

[Ostrich]

GG,

The "fantasy relationship" is not built in "regular life" conditions. It's artificial. So doomed to crumble when real life sets in because it wasn't realistic expectations from the start.

Thank you for the help. I realize there is more in your post to chew on, but this gets to the heart of answering my question. The relationship failed, due to Red being upset about the intrusion of outside forces into their 'fantasy' relationship. I get it, having a leaky hinge can be annoying, but to your point, if a major relationship issue occurred between Blue and Purple, then it's going to affect Red and Blue's relationship, no matter how hard they try to minimize the impact.

 

[GalaGirl]

I know things played out however they did for whoever the "Real Red" was in your experience.

But the "fictional story Red and Blue" could just talk about what "distractions" are ok and which ones are not ok in the fantasy NRE bubble. If they want to create that little fantasy space for a time? Ok then. Create it but with REALISTIC expectations. Not unrealistic ones or artificial ones.

Cuz big stuff like a cancer mom might get a pass. It's not like the mom would be dying every week. So yeah. Ok to break into the NRE bubble to tell that kind of news. And then Blue goes to attend to that. Then returns to the NRE Bubble at a later time when able. Cuz that is big life stuff.

Small stuff? No. Blue doesn't tell that their other partner Purple wants Blue to mow the lawn. What would Red care? Blue could take care of their home business over there at home BEFORE coming over to hang out in the fantasy NRE bubble.

Red probably doesn't want to be hearing about (Blue + Purple) domestic issues. They probably have their own! Red probably is not telling Blue that Red is supposed to buy batteries for Orange's computer mouse when Red next does grocery.

None of that is esp sexy talk for the fantasy NRE bubble. Once they are out of NRE phase, and just things popping up in regular ol' conversation, maybe. But in the the NRE fantasy phase? Prob not esp exciting.

So if they are new dating couple that wants to create a little fantasy NRE bubble? Negotiate some realistic agreements then and then enjoy the bubble space while it lasts.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

I'm asking if Red and Blue, working towards a 'fantasy' or 'ideal' relationship while not allowing outside relationship distractions from Orange and Purple, would be healthy in the beginning portion of a new relationship. Or would it be healthy to acknowledge outside relationship issues from Orange and Blue at the beginning of a new relationship?

I don't think it's either healthy or unhealthy. I honestly don't think there could be a general rule and would depend entirely on what those issues from either Orange or Purple would be.

I think it is natural to enjoy the NRE and limit any disruption to this. But NRE is not a relationship. I'm a little concerned about this fantasy relationship, what does that even mean in the long term?

Gala nailed it in post 9.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Ostrich,

Like GalaGirl was saying, some distractions are small enough that ignoring them is not a problem. But some distractions are too big to be ignored. For example, what if Orange does not consent to Red and Blue getting together in the first place? That "distraction" has to be addressed. If Red and Blue ignore *everything* that originates from Orange or Purple, there is probably going to be trouble. Such as at least one dyad (Red/Orange, Blue/Purple, or even Red/Blue) breaking up. At least that's how I see it.

Regards,
Kevin T.