Fear of Loss

[TPowl90]

Hi guys. Just wondering if any of the solo-poly people on here have experienced fear of loss. I have a few relationships/play-partners, but there's one in who I have particularly strong feelings for. We've just cemented a D/s dynamic, but in doing so I've noticed a fear of loss creeping up on me, despite no issues of jealousy with her other interactions. I think it's simply because I now feel I have more to lose. Does anyone have any advice this topic, and how best to rationalise this feeling?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi guys. Just wondering if any of the solo-polyamory people on here have experienced fear of loss. I have a few relationships/play-partners, but there's one in particular who I have strong feelings for. We've just cemented a D/s dynamic, but in doing so I've noticed a fear of loss creeping up on me, despite no issues of jealousy with her other interactions. I think it's simply because I now feel I have more to lose. Does anyone have any advice this topic, and how best to rationalise this feeling?

This is not a poly question, but a question about the human condition. We understand we have a past, present and future. We all experience life, we all experience loss, deaths of loved one, our own deaths. Our big brains are a blessing and a curse. "Lower" animals and plants do not live in the past or future, but in the present moment.

Why can't you focus more on the good things in the present? Worrying about the future makes you unable to fully let go and enjoy what you've got right here, right now.

If you have childhood trauma around loss, separation anxiety, and you can't break free, seek help, whether it's from articles and books, support groups, or therapy.

 

[GalaGirl]

Just wondering if any of the solo-poly people on here have experienced fear of loss.

Why do you solo-poly? Like a focus on education, career, you just like that model best, etc?

We've just cemented a D/s dynamic, but in doing so I've noticed a fear of loss creeping up on me, despite no issues of jealousy with her other interactions.

There you go. This person is now extra valuable to you. I don't imagine you D/s with anyone/everyone.

I think it's simply because I now feel I have more to lose.

And you answered yourself on that part.

Does anyone have any advice this topic, and how best to rationalise this feeling?

The part I wondered about is this... are you also having feelings of loss because now this newly important person wobbles your solo-poly?

Like with this person increasing in importance to you, does it send ripples across your solo-poly thing? And you worry about losing that freedom/aspect of things? But maybe don't consciously realize that THAT is another loss thing your fear?

Just guessing. I could be totally off base.

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

As Magdlyn has hinted, relationships and DS in particular have a way to return us straight into childhood sometimes.

That feeling is part of your experience. Treat it with compassion. It tells you that this person is important to you.

You can also try feeling into that fear and let the earliest memory come up in which you remember feeling a similar way. See what that is. Then at least you know that not all of what you feel is related to the situation at hand.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi TPowl,

It seems like the D/s factor is playing a key role in this fear of loss that you feel, power exchange relationships can make you feel super vulnerable. Is it just a fear of loss, or is there something concrete you could really lose here? Maybe what you're feeling is appropriate for the situation. Is there a chance your D/s partner could leave you? Realistically, what are the odds? and is there maybe other types of loss that you fear, some buried in your subconscious? Do you fear a loss of innocence, a loss of freedom, perhaps of other things? Do some digging and exploring deep in your psyche, see if you can't determine what this new fear is all about. Maybe it's about multiple things.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

What I am getting from this is you've found a D/s partner that you really click with. Since you are solo poly, you are worried you may lose this partner because the two of you won't be going up the relationship escalator. I think this might be common in solo poly. It can feel like we are forever doomed to be a secondary, or even worse a whim until someone comes along to give them more.

The thing is we can't control any of that. It is a definite possibility in poly. It's not like poly relationships are more stable than mono ones.

 

[TPowl90]

Thanks for the responses. I don't believe it's because it threatens my solo-poly lifestyle, or is rooted in anything from my past. I just think it's that the cementing of the D/s dynamic has made the bond stronger for me, and now it feels like I have something bigger to lose. She's not someone who verbally reassures, so I don't have that comfort of feeling that it's super secure. However, I don't necessarily have any specific reason to fear the loss either; it's just a sensation I noticed creeping up and I wanted to assess it rather than ignore it. It could also be related to the added pressure of being a dominant, and the added responsibility that comes when you confirm the dynamic. Living in the present is definitely good advice though.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for the responses. I don't believe it's because it threatens my solo-poly lifestyle, or is rooted in anything from my past. I just think it's that the cementing of the D/s dynamic has made the bond stronger for me, and now it feels like I have something bigger to lose. She's not someone who verbally reassures, so I don't have that comfort of feeling that it's super secure. However, I don't necessarily have any specific reason to fear the loss either; it's just a sensation I noticed creeping up and I wanted to assess it rather than ignore it. It could also be related to the added pressure of being a dominant, and the added responsibility that comes when you confirm the dynamic. Living in the present is definitely good advice though.

I may have missed something, but I was wondering if this partner is your Domme or your sub? It sounds like she's your Domme, and part of her persona is to be less tender and reassuring than you might like. Is that it? I wonder if there could be some way of obtaining some reassurance in a way that won't upset the power dynamic. Even if we are subs, it's nice to feel appreciated.

 

[TPowl90]

I may have missed something, but I was wondering if this partner is your Domme or your sub? It sounds like she's your Domme, and part of her persona is to be less tender and reassuring than you might like. Is that it? I wonder if there could be some way of obtaining some reassurance in a way that won't upset the power dynamic. Even if we are subs, it's nice to feel appreciated.

That's a really good comment, Magdlyn, but she's actually my submissive, so it's more just her personality trait, which is totally fine as she's awesome regardless. I'm hesitant to seek reassurance, in case it comes across as needy.

 

[Magdlyn]

That's a really good comment, Magdlyn, but she's actually my submissive, so it's more just her personality trait, which is totally fine as she's awesome regardless. I'm hesitant to seek reassurance, in case it comes across as needy.

Oh my god. It's OK for a D type to let their s know how important and loved they are. I'm a switch. I've been on both sides. Doms have this idea they have to preserve this distant, super human, all powerful fake persona. That's just bullshit.

My partner has a Master and he has learned to let his hair down, tell her how he misses her when she's not there (because she's with me or at work), or how he sleeps better with her beside him, or how he appreciates her when she listens to him when he's having a tough time with his employees, or corporate issues, etc. It doesn't disturb their D/s dynamic at all. It just increases their intimacy and bond.

Slaves should always know how precious and valued they are. That makes them more likely to stay with you, not less! Their submission is a gift to the Dom.

 

[Vicki82]

Their submission is a gift to the Dom.

I see this all the time and I simply can't agree with it. Someone's submission is no more a gift than my Dominance is. It's merely a symbiotic relationship, two sides of the same coin. Both partners get something out of it. I do not see that as a gift at all.

However, as a Dom, I always tell my partners how I feel about them and how much I care about them. No aloofness here, but I don't play that way.

 

[TPowl90]

You're totally right Magdlyn in that it should be a two-way communication, but I also agree with Vicki82 that's is a reciprocal gift, if we're to label it as such; I give my sub a huge amount of time, attention, and affection.

I appreciate all comments. I still feel a little subterranean anxiety, but I acknowledge it's not fully rational. Yes, her texts are later and terser, and she seems less 'into' me, but this could be due to several unrelated reasons, or even just NRE.

I'm just going to try to not overthink it, and take it as it comes.