Feeling confused...

L

Lolaishere

New member
Hi there,

New to the forum. And grateful to be able to post here and ask for some advice or maybe (even better) questions that help me further in my struggle.

I've been together with my partner S for 8 years, polyamourous for 3 years. The reason why was that we felt we could both love multiple partners and our relationship was strong enough to deal with it. Since the start of our polyamourous relationship I started to date E. I have been in love with him since I met him, he wasn't in love with me. My relationship with E has evolved over the years and became a very precious friendship and more. Lately I have been spending more time with E and the more time I spend with him the more I feel in love. To such a point that I started to have doubts about my relationship with S.

My relationship with S is a stable one. I love him but I don't feel IN love anymore. We do sometimes experience a lack of connection...maybe because we don't live together, have busy lifes with kids, work etc. But maybe also because we choose for a while to follow a don't ask don't tell policy. (Let's not get into that now, but right now we really want to be open and transparant again because we feel that we don't benefit from DADT. We had a really nice conversation about that lately).

At this moment I just feel very confused about my feelings for E.

And i feel guilty about those feelings towards S. Sometimes I feel like I need to choose because of the intense emotions I feel for E. Who by the way says he is still not in love with and doesn't want to interfere I my relationship with S.

I'm just confused and I worry. Maybe I am actually not the right type for Polyamory?

I look forward to your thoughts on this, thank you
 
In my opinion this is not really a polyamory problem. It is quite normal and usual to have feelings for a long term partner change over the years. Sometimes the feelings deepen, sometimes they fade.

There is no reason to break up with S just because your feelings for E are strong, unless you think the relationship with S has actually run its course and just doesn't bring you much benefit anymore. Sometimes we just grow apart as we go through life. But if you think things with S will improve if you both make some changes to increase your emotional closeness, as it seems to be, by all means keep them in your life.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW, you sound very clear. You don't sound confused about how you feel.

At this time? You are in a V with two partners.
  • With S, your partner of 8 years? You love him but don't feel "in love" with him.
    • It might be DONE done.
    • It might need rekindling/reconnecting. You have decided to be more open and transparent with S, because doing a period of DADT wasn't working for you. Maybe you want to wait to see how that shakes out first in case it was missing emotional/mental intimacy from the previous DADT model?
  • With E, your partner of about 3 years? It is "friendship and more." ( I assume you mean sharing sex. Like this is a FWB thing. Correct me if I'm wrong, ok?)
    • The more time you spend with E, the more in love you are, but he's not in love with you back.
      • Could spend less time with him/daydreaming about him so "in love feelings" dial down to a level you can handle/ignore. And you enjoy the FWB for what it is and no expectations of more than that.
      • Or you end it because you are tired of having romantic feelings that will never be returned and you prefer to just firmly close the door than be in this "up in the air" place.
It sounds like both are unsatisfactory but for different reasons.

You sound uncertain about what to do about it.

Only you can decide if the thing with S is over for real, or in an "ebb and flow" place.

I've been with DH for decades. I always love him. But I'm not always "in love" twitterpated with him. That part comes and goes depending on how much time and energy we spend on our romantic connection as opposed to our coparenting connection, or being friends, or being roomies.

If you went through a period of DADT with S. and missed some emotional/mental intimacy? Could see if that could be rekindled by spending more time together.

But if you are done done? Bored with that relationship? Could break up decently and part ways as peacefully as possible.

For me? FWB only can go for about a year. Because sharing sex and close proximity leads to "feelings." It either has to go back to "just friends, no sex" or move on to "romantic relationship" or just end entirely.

I can't tell if you are bumping into something like that here. Or if you can do poly fine if it's romantic connections but don't want to add any FWB to the mix any more. Maybe FWB is more "open relationship" than "poly relationship" to you.

Sometimes I feel like I need to choose because of the intense emotions I feel for E. Who by the way says he is still not in love with and doesn't want to interfere I my relationship with S.
Click to expand...

So.... gonna end it with S just to sit around pining for E when he doesn't return the romantic feelings? That doesn't sound great.

I'm just confused and I worry. Maybe I am actually not the right type for Polyamory?
Click to expand...

Only you can answer if being in a V with S and E is worthwhile or not. If both of them are getting meh for different reasons?

Like S is getting boring and E is frustrating because you want to share romantic feelings and he doesn't have them for you and only wants FWB?

Could end it with both. Move on to seek more compatible poly partners instead.

If it isn't just about these two people? It's a bigger thing? You have tried poly for 3 years and find it not worth it and want to stop? Could stop doing poly entirely then. Could take a dating break. Then decide if you want to return to dating monogamously instead because that suits you better. Or maybe you want something else.

These are things only you can answer for yourself so I encourage you to do your soul searching.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Lolaishere,

There is no rule in poly that says you have to break up with one partner if you love the other partner more intensely. Instead, it's a simple question of whether you want to break up with S. Imagine for a moment that you had never met E, but that your feelings for S still evolved like they have (you're no longer in love with him). In that circumstance, would you want to break up with him? and if you didn't want to break up with him, would you be content with your relationship as it is, or would you want to try to restore some of the closeness that the two of you once had? and however you answer those questions, that's how you should answer them with E in the picture.

I'm sorry that E is not returning your in-love-ness feelings for him. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there, it doesn't go both ways. So maybe you'd rather end it with E than you would continue pining for his love, although the impression I get is that you'd rather keep seeing E. Am I right to think that? It sounds like what's confusing you is wondering whether you should break up with S because of how you feel about E. If that's the case, then the answer is easy, you should not break up with S (nor with E). Instead, see if you and S can work on your closeness with each other. Go on dates with each other, practice more transparency with each other, things like that.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks to all of you who reacted, I really appreciate to hear your viewpoints and questions. It really helps me. I don't want to break up with S. I love him and we have a great relationship, I do think I would love to spend more time with him, to reconnect and I think we already started to do so since we left the DADT-phase. I know it will bring us closer if we share more and are able to open up about what we feel and need... we've done it before... so thank you. Your reactions were very helpful in getting clarity on this.

Concerning my relationship with E. That's a hard one. I have felt at times that we'd better break up or keep it platonic in order to save myself from deceptions. On the other hand he's transparant and I am as well about what we feel and share, and he's truly inspiring for me, I connect with him on a level that I wouldn't want to miss. But of course, that's not the problem, we could keep things platonic and still share the friendship and inspiration. I hope...

I think what keeps me in this relationship is that I do feel we are getting closer over the last months. He told me he wants to spend more time with me, thinks about me. However he also says he is not "in love" and that it would make things more complex if that would be the case, because what if he also would want a relationship with me? Whatever that means, because 'What kind of relationship', we already have connection. I think what he means is a more 'traditional' relationship like I have with S.

So I am not sure what to do with that one. I'm not ready to let go yet... I think ;).
I know that spending less time with him, would already probably reduce my feelings and make things easier.

Thank you!! Very happy I came here to ask for advice. Not always easy to find people around me who understand this.
 
Hi Lolaishere,

It seems to me that in poly, you can have multiple "traditional" relationships (like the one you have with S). I myself live in a household with two other people, and the woman has a rather traditional-style relationship with each of us guys. We have been together for many years, and it works well for us. It's more a question of, do you *want* two traditional-style relationships? Give that some thought ... and if the answer is yes, then you should keep dating (both S and) E.

Anyway those are just my quick thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You could explain the relationship escalator to bf. In our culture'scurrent way of thinking, we have "failed" at a relationship if we don't take it all the way to the top.

First floor: Meet on a dating site, chat on the site
Second floor: Text, then talk on phone
Third floor: Meet, have drinks or dinner, walk in the park, or something like that
Fourth floor: Go to one of your homes and cook dinner, do Netflix, maybe kiss
Fifth floor: Sex
Sixth floor: Spend a weekend together
Seventh floor: Meet each other's friends and/or family
Eighth floor: Take a vacation together
Ninth floor: Move in together
Tenth floor: Get a pet
Eleventh floor: Combine finances
Twelfth floor: Get married and/or have kids
Thirteenth floor: Grow old together

In polyamory, you can love someone, and be a committed friend/lover/partner but just ride to a certain floor, get off the escalator, and enjoy that floor for years, forever, in fact. There's no rush to the top!!
 
You can even declare certain floors off limits. Artist and I are happily on the 8th floor with intents of going to the 13th... but the doors are locked on the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th floors. ;-)
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Lolaishere,

It seems to me that in poly, you can have multiple "traditional" relationships (like the one you have with S). I myself live in a household with two other people, and the woman has a rather traditional-style relationship with each of us guys. We have been together for many years, and it works well for us. It's more a question of, do you *want* two traditional-style relationships? Give that some thought ... and if the answer is yes, then you should keep dating (both S and) E.

Anyway those are just my quick thoughts.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thanks Kevin. I believe I do. :) And I will take the time to figure this out. In the meantime I had a great weekend with S, lovely, with a lot of talking, transparency, and quality time... just great. And I also had a nice talk with E last week, sharing my feelings and needs, and him returning how he feels and thinks about everything. So I feel much calmer now... And it really helped me to read all, and your, comments and questions here. Happy to have found this forum and make use of it! thanks again!
 
Magdlyn said:
You could explain the relationship escalator to bf. In our culture'scurrent way of thinking, we have "failed" at a relationship if we don't take it all the way to the top.

First floor: Meet on a dating site, chat on the site
Second floor: Text, then talk on phone
Third floor: Meet, have drinks or dinner, walk in the park, or something like that
Fourth floor: Go to one of your homes and cook dinner, do Netflix, maybe kiss
Fifth floor: Sex
Sixth floor: Spend a weekend together
Seventh floor: Meet each other's friends and/or family
Eighth floor: Take a vacation together
Ninth floor: Move in together
Tenth floor: Get a pet
Eleventh floor: Combine finances
Twelfth floor: Get married and/or have kids
Thirteenth floor: Grow old together

In polyamory, you can love someone, and be a committed friend/lover/partner but just ride to a certain floor, get off the escalator, and enjoy that floor for years, forever, in fact. There's no rush to the top!!
Click to expand...
I heard about this one, but had no clue of the exact details. :) Good to know! thanks
 
Sounds like things are going well in your relationships with S and E. That is good to hear. I'm glad Polyamory.com could help.
 
" The reason why was that we felt we could both love multiple partners and our relationship was strong enough to deal with it"

Here is where I always get of the discussion boat.

To me in my experience, "we" is somewhat of a killer word. Of course there is always something of a we, but really I feel that an all inclusive "us" needs to be the operative word.

Maybe the question should be can my second or third be strong enough to "deal with" my first or 8th or which ever. To my mind, each relationship is unique and it's rise or fall should not be contingent on any other.
 
That's an interesting thought in the end. And in theory I believe I agree.
Living that is more complicated I noticed.😅 Figuring out in general how poly works for ME while coming from a 'traditional monogamous relationship' is also process. Step by step. Thanks for sharing your ideas to my post.
 
You cannot control your feelings and love is a beautiful thing. You should not feel guilty for experiencing love. Each relationship is unique and feels different. Maybe you need to bond more with S. Go on a date? Try a new activity together? I try not too compare my feelings for both of partners because it is an “unequal fight.” New relationships give you butterflies, even after 2 years. But scientifically, you cannot have this adrenaline, oxytocin etc for more than 2-3 years. That is why i say it is an unequal fight, because you have one relationship fresher than the other. I think that you just need to do some TLC with S. Everything will be ok
 
Thank you Fleur-Du-Mal, I already did some TLC with S and will keep doing that. I noticed how important that is for us... And you are right, comparing makes no sense. Every relationships is unique.

And I know myself as someone who gets easily overwhelmed with feelings, difficult ones or easy emotions. It's hard to keep my calm when that happens and it can confuse me...

That's what happened a week or two ago...

Thanks for sharing your ideas,
 
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