Feeling crowded by metamour

ksandra

New member
I've recently started seeing someone new (like in the last six weeks recently) I really enjoy spending time with him and I can see this turning into more of a relationship than a casual fling.

My issue is that his other partner drives me up the wall. She isn't a bad person and they're quite happy and that makes me happy so this isn't a red flag scenario for me. The issue is that we ended up meeting a lot earlier than I would have preferred and since then she has tried to interact online almost daily and I can't tell if she's trying to be friendly, feel included, compete, or something else and honestly it doesn't really matter.

If I post something on instagram she's the first to like it and I can't make my instagram private because I use it for work purposes. If the person I'm seeing and I start casually talking about something in public on Facebook she jumps in almost immediately and it's almost always with a non-sequitur that turns the focus back on her. I've had a couple friends double check this because I wasn't sure whether or not I was being biased. When I would reply she would turn it into what kind of felt like a competition about who was right? She's also made some really unflattering posts and insinuations about my nationality (I'm Russian). Nothing has been super overt or dramatic and maybe other people wouldn't have a problem with this but she's driving me crazy. Are there any coping strategies I can enact? I don't want to feel like I can only talk to this guy in private but I almost feel like that's what I'm going to have to end up doing?
 
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It's hard to say what her motive is since I'm not involved. Some people like to be super involved with their metamours. Personally, I think that comes from some form of insecurity.

Have you talked to your partner about this? He is the hinge after all.
 
I'm not entirely sure either. For me it's entirely on a case by case basis, one of my best friends started out as a metamour and it took three years before I met another one. Generally I prefer to feel secure in my relationship before getting involved in any other aspect of a person's life.

I will eventually talk to him but this relationship is really new and I don't feel comfortable broaching this subject just yet. I did try something out. I posted an old in joke between me and someone who is a mutual friend with her when it came up on a memory share app and she jumped into that conversation too without really understanding what we were talking about and did the same thing where she ended up making it about her. I find this behaviour extremely confusing on top of annoying.
 
Sounds like your metamour is rather passive-aggressive. Without some way to block her, I don't know that there's anything you can do. You can try to ignore her of course. Don't respond to anything she says to you. That only partly solves the problem though.
 
I had a similar problem to this years ago. That metamour once even threw a rival birthday party to mine after I explicitly told her not to, not a birthday party for her, for me and told everyone the one I arranged was cancelled. She also liked to hijack arranged time with my partner and me to throw tantrums and such so he would go running to her. In the end I thought well fuck it and left them to it. They were both dicks anyway.
It turned out she was Hetero mono and only wanted him to be with her and decided that destroying his other relationships was ok. I am honestly glad she did it because he was awful.
I would recommend letting your partner know she is, VERY annoying. She uses social media too much. Lol. Let him know you are only into him. It seems kind and friendly to humour her but don't. If this person wants to plan manipulative games and start a tug of war with that partner your best of separating yourself from her and start taking how things are with him at face value.

if he doesn't get that she's a problem maybe don't emotionally invest in him, might save a bit of stress later.

Don't expect this to last, enjoy him while he's there.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

FWIW, here's a list of the objectionable behaviors I read in your post. The things the meta does that bug you.

Cannot do anything about it

  • We ended up meeting a lot earlier than I would have preferred. (Already met, cannot undo that.)
  • When you post things on your work Instagram, she is the first one to like it. (Can't not use your work thing, so ignore her)


Can do something about it


  • She has tried to interact online almost daily (on Facebook?), when you do not want to interact that often. (Be direct: You could tell her you don't want to interact online daily so she's aware and not surprised when you do not respond.)
  • When you and dating partner have a public conversation online (Facebook?) she interrupts and butts in. (Solution: Don't have public convo. Private message. OR if the public convo is happening on your wall? Set your FB to friends only and unfriend her. Then she cannot see it.)
  • When I would reply she would turn it into what kind of felt like a competition about who was right. (Solution: Then do not reply. Or wait until private and say "I might be wrong in my impression. To me you seem like you trying to turn this conversation into some kind of competition. Could you be willing to tell me if I am or not in that impression? " )
  • She's also made some really unflattering posts and insinuations about my Russian nationality. (Be direct: I would like to make you aware that I am Russian. Are you aware that sometimes you make unflattering posts and insinuations about Russians? Could you be willing to stop that behavior"

You don't have to talk to him only in private online, but you also don't have to be FB friends online with his meta either. But you probably have to talk to her sometimes in real life. So... whether online or in real life I think you could be more assertive.

Galagirl
 
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Doing something like unfriending her will reinforce her insecurity. That could cause her to escalate.
 
You can set your Faceook posts to exclude anyone you like from viewing them. They're not aware of this (I know, I do it all the time), so you can avoid her seeing your convos and not have to worry about her being pissy about it. You can also create groups of your friends, so that you can post certain things only to them. Also "unfollow" her on Facebook, and you'll not see her posts and they won't upset you.

All that said, you could just send her a message and say something like "Hi! I just wanted to reach out and let you know that generally, I have found that it's better for my relationships, and those of my partners, to not be FB friends with my metas. I was unsure how to tell you that initially, as I don't want hurt feelings, but I hope you will understand now. " Then, unfriend her. You are allowed to have your personal space and feelings, and it's not your job to manage her butthurt as long as you're a reasonable and civil person about your choices for you.
 
Doing something like unfriending her will reinforce her insecurity. That could cause her to escalate.

IME the only one who can solve a person's insecurity is the person themselves.

Escalate what? If it were me?

If I find her behavior annoying on my Facebook? I can ask her if she is willing to please stop certain behaviors. If she is not willing and doesn't? It is my FB. I can control it. I can unfollow her, unfriend her, block her, etc. I can reduce or close that avenue of pestering. I've dropped people from my FB before. It's not a big deal to me.

If she gets super weird over something so small and makes drama?

I rather know sooner rather than later if I've gotten myself into a poly network that contains more weird than I can deal with. BEFORE I've taken time to invest deeply in developing something with the hinge. It's what the "get to know you time" is FOR. To sort out whether I am compatible here or not.

Not everyone I date will be a long haul runner. Or have poly network people I can deal with. If it is not a good fit? I can bow out of this network. It's not like I'm locked into it.

Galagirl
 
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I should clarify, we aren't friends on Facebook and I have no intention of allowing her access to my profile/online presence for the time being/possibly ever. We do, however, have a bunch of mutual friends because I met this guy through our shared social group. One of his best friends is one of my best friends and my coworker and we have a really lovely online community and it's usually many people joking around when one of us posts something funny. I have my privacy settings set so that she can't see something I posted, but if I comment on someone else's post she can and I can't change that, I checked with Facebook today.

I asked this new guy if she was doing okay with him having a new partner - I'm the first on his side since they started dating 18 months ago. She lives with a primary (her words, not mine) partner and dates other women - and he said she was fine and happy as far as he knew.

Because this is a very new relationship I am choosing to wait to address this with him until I feel like I have more of a solid foundation to stand on between us. He hasn't said or done anything to make me feel like we don't this is a personal choice. Hopefully if she's feeling insecure, she will eventually calm down. If she doesn't and her behaviour escalates at all I will discuss this with him.
 
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IME the only one who can solve a person's insecurity is the person themselves.

Escalate what? If it were me?

If I find her behavior annoying on my Facebook? I can ask her if she is willing to please stop certain behaviors. If she is not willing and doesn't? It is my FB. I can control it. I can unfollow her, unfriend her, block her, etc. I can reduce or close that avenue of pestering. I've dropped people from my FB before. It's not a big deal to me.

If she gets super weird over something so small and makes drama?

I rather know sooner rather than later if I've gotten myself into a poly network that contains more weird than I can deal with. BEFORE I've taken time to invest deeply in developing something with the hinge. It's what the "get to know you time" is FOR. To sort out whether I am compatible here or not.

Not everyone I date will be a long haul runner. Or have poly network people I can deal with. If it is not a good fit? I can bow out of this network. It's not like I'm locked into it.

Galagirl

Nobody said anything about SOLVING her insecurity. It's just good sense to prepare one's self for a possible bad reaction.

Look upthread to see the possibilities.

Personally, I wouldn't decide my relationship based on a metamour unless the situation was way over the top. Everybody does things differently.

But this is all speculation anyway. She may not be insecure. She could just be overly friendly and presumptuous. For me that would be more awful than dealing with a jealous meta...lol
 
vinsanity0 said:
But this is all speculation anyway. She may not be insecure.

True. The only one who knows her intentions is the person herself.

ksandra said:
Because this is a very new relationship I am choosing to wait to address this with him until I feel like I have more of a solid foundation to stand on between us. He hasn't said or done anything to make me feel like we don't this is a personal choice. Hopefully if she's feeling insecure, she will eventually calm down. If she doesn't and her behaviour escalates at all I will discuss this with him.

Sounds like you have plan for handling it for now.

I hope things improve for you.

Galagirl
 
Facebook problems but can't unfriend or blick without causing an issue equals going to the restricted section. I have people I do this to that I'm friends with on Facebook if they start driving me crazy. I will unfollow them so I don't see their annoying posts pop up in my feeds then I restrict them so they see none of what I post. Also instagram has a block option. I suggest using it for her on your work page.
 
Okay so a couple new things happened and I feel that there needs to be a conversation sooner rather than later. This weekend my partner and his gf went to a cottage out of town. Before he left we had discussed wanting to spend more time together and he told me that of course his time with this woman took precedence. This is not an "of course" to me. Why does it take precedence? She went out of her way to make sure I understood that they weren't primaries when I met her and when I asked if there were any rules or boundaries that they had this wasn't on the list. She has already stated that if any sexual contact happens there has to be a barrier, including oral sex and while I'm all into barriers for penetrative sex I hate the taste of condoms. Even with flavoured lubes. Either way "time spent with her will always be a higher priority" is not just a given circumstance to me and I feel like it sets up a precedent. What if she decides she wants to see him when we have a date planned? Is that an "of course" too?

Also he had mentioned that she's into kink as a bottom and that they had a top and bottom dynamic. He seems really into receiving pain so we had discussed having a scene (I identify exclusively as a top) and he just mentioned that he was so surprised because this weekend she suddenly decided she wanted to start topping him.

I feel like this woman is trying to push me out of compete with me and it's starting to make me wonder how much time I want to invest in this relationship. I know part of this is a little ranty, but I'm also hoping for advice. I'm normally a fairly avoidant person as in I would rather walk away than have conversations like this and I've been working really hard not to behave that way anymore but I feel ill equipped. I think I would like to talk to him first on his own and get his input on the best way to proceed. But what do I say? He seems fairly averse to conflict so I'm afraid of coming across as a difficult person even though that may not be rational.
 
I think I would like to talk to him first on his own and get his input on the best way to proceed. But what do I say?

Could be straight up. Let's call her "Jane" as a generic name, ok? Could say something like....

"I need some clarification, please. Before you left we had discussed wanting to spend more time together. You told me that of course your time with Jane took precedence. What does that mean? What if she decides she wants to see you when we have a date planned? What happens then?

Jane went out of her way to make sure I understood that you and Jane are not primaries when I met her. I asked if there were any rules or boundaries that (you + Jane) had that precedence thing wasn't on the list. Is this a new thing?"​

She has already stated that if any sexual contact happens there has to be a barrier, including oral sex and while I'm all into barriers for penetrative sex I hate the taste of condoms.

I find it odd Jane is telling you this rather than him. Jane cannot tell him what to do with other partners. She can request, but the only thing she can INSIST on is that he use barriers with HER.

Is he owning his choices? "I choose to use barriers for penetrative sex and oral sex" is a different thing than "Jane says I have to use barriers for penetrative sex and oral sex."

If he's always going "Jane says this" and "Jane says that" rather than owning his choices, you might get sick of hearing it.

Also he had mentioned that she's into kink as a bottom and that they had a top and bottom dynamic. He seems really into receiving pain so we had discussed having a scene (I identify exclusively as a top) and he just mentioned that he was so surprised because this weekend she suddenly decided she wanted to start topping him.

Kinda TMI to me. Why's he blabbing about his sex life with Jane to you? This has nothing to do with sex health labs or birth control/std prevention practices that DO concern you.

He seems fairly averse to conflict so I'm afraid of coming across as a difficult person even though that may not be rational.

He cannot be a mind reader. It is your job to clearly articulate what is going on with you and what is on your mind. You want to stop avoiding and get better at this... well you get better through practice. Go ahead and have the talk.

If he has difficulty dealing with you being straight up with him? And he prefers you pussyfoot around or mind readering HIM? You can decide whether or not you want to be doing that extra work in this relationship or if you prefer to stop investing here.

Keep it simple on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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Okay so a couple new things happened and I feel that there needs to be a conversation sooner rather than later. This weekend my partner and his gf went to a cottage out of town. Before he left we had discussed wanting to spend more time together and he told me that of course his time with this woman took precedence. This is not an "of course" to me. Why does it take precedence? Relationship dynamics. Some people will form hierarchies over others. It could be how he feels.

She went out of her way to make sure I understood that they weren't primaries when I met her and when I asked if there were any rules or boundaries that they had this wasn't on the list.

Relationship dynamics change maybe when she met you, they weren't. That could be changing. He might like her better for whatever reason and there for wants to spend more time with her. It happens.

She has already stated that if any sexual contact happens there has to be a barrier, including oral sex and while I'm all into barriers for penetrative sex I hate the taste of condoms. Even with flavoured lubes. Either way "time spent with her will always be a higher priority" is not just a given circumstance to me and I feel like it sets up a precedent. What if she decides she wants to see him when we have a date planned? Is that an "of course" too?

Also he had mentioned that she's into kink as a bottom and that they had a top and bottom dynamic. He seems really into receiving pain so we had discussed having a scene (I identify exclusively as a top) and he just mentioned that he was so surprised because this weekend she suddenly decided she wanted to start topping him.

I feel like this woman is trying to push me out of compete with me and it's starting to make me wonder how much time I want to invest in this relationship. I know part of this is a little ranty, but I'm also hoping for advice. I'm normally a fairly avoidant person as in I would rather walk away than have conversations like this and I've been working really hard not to behave that way anymore but I feel ill equipped. I think I would like to talk to him first on his own and get his input on the best way to proceed. But what do I say? He seems fairly averse to conflict so I'm afraid of coming across as a difficult person even though that may not be rational.
You need to be honest about how you feel and he needs to be honest about his feelings for you and for her. It might not be her that is doing the pushing, it might be him. It could be both. Again the nature of relationships can change; a secondary might become a primary and that is what maybe happening here.
 
I think, if she's trying to be that much in contact, you could try talk to her. You are unsure about her motives, so you can ask. You can indicate that you don't prefere to interact with metamours much - you will be polite, even friend-ly, but not necessarily friends. If that doesn't help, then you can procede to ignoring her afterwards.
 
IME the only one who can solve a person's insecurity is the person themselves.

Escalate what? If it were me?

If I find her behavior annoying on my Facebook? I can ask her if she is willing to please stop certain behaviors. If she is not willing and doesn't? It is my FB. I can control it. I can unfollow her, unfriend her, block her, etc. I can reduce or close that avenue of pestering. I've dropped people from my FB before. It's not a big deal to me.

If she gets super weird over something so small and makes drama?

I rather know sooner rather than later if I've gotten myself into a poly network that contains more weird than I can deal with. BEFORE I've taken time to invest deeply in developing something with the hinge. It's what the "get to know you time" is FOR. To sort out whether I am compatible here or not.

Not everyone I date will be a long haul runner. Or have poly network people I can deal with. If it is not a good fit? I can bow out of this network. It's not like I'm locked into it.

Galagirl

So much this!

@Visanity it reinforces it more to let it just go past- better to to disengage as possibility of it escalating by letting it slide seems a lot more likely. Meta's insecurity and possible escalation is meta's problem, not the OP's.

And now i'm going to be like the meta and turn it into a similar story, just because its actually relevant, so OP feel free to ignore past this point.

I unfriended my mom over Xmas when she didn't listen to my boundaries and I gave her multiple chances to rectify the situation- *and it worked*. She apologised and we sorted the matter. FB is a messy messy place and more a nunance than anything lately, the OP has EVERY right to protect, and interact with whomever she feels safe to do so. It may actually do the opposite of escalate and bring to like a behaviour the meta didn't realise. It took many people to tell me I was doing the exact same thing, and I'm still working on it. Now I just give disclaimers so at least people and stop reading before I get weirdly relaty-ranty.


- edited to add: You really need to have a direct conversation about him owning his own actions to him, and also her - maybe written letter addressing specifically what she can and cannot control about you in this relationship and where your boundaries are regarding her. It might help to see it in a different format.
 
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