Thank you for your willingness to help. I believe the term "hierarchy" needs more nuance, or individualization, than your response suggests.I thought I shared the secondary's bill of rights with you, but maybe I shared it on another thread! I understand you don't want to be in a hierarchical relationship, but since you are the new partner, and not cohabiting, face it. You are currently a secondary. This article should explain things for you.
I am not currently a secondary, nor will I ever be a secondary. That term seems pejorative and calculated to hurt. Regardless of your level of experience and how you view and practice polyamorous relationships, the only people who get to decide the parameters of MY relationships are myself and my partners, together. Why do you feel the need to say something like, "face it, you are currently a secondary," especially when I have not only said that I do not accept that term, but have also expressed that it has caused me a significant amount of trauma? You even expressed that you understood that I did not want to be in that kind of situation. The whole point of polyamory is that one does not have to subscribe to social norms, predetermined expectations, or prescribed relationship roles.
If you don't have a problem with the term, that's fine. Use it for your own relationships, as long as everyone involved is consenting. In this instance, I was the one asking for help, and I have a problem with the term. The solution to my conflict lay in a conversation I needed to have with my partner about boundaries, not a role that I needed to "face" and learn to accept, regardless of my level of discomfort. It is not, nor will it ever be, necessary or acceptable for me (or, I believe, for anyone) to compromise my own power and personal safety in order to address obstacles in my relationships. I would not accept a partner saying something like that to me, and I certainly will not accept it from someone who does not know me.
I encourage you to put some thought towards why you feel that it is necessary to lay down the law. I expressed that the term "secondary" makes me feel disempowered. When you say, "face it, you are currently a secondary," I hear, "face it, you're not a priority because you are the new partner and you don't live with your partner." Feeling deprioritized is not the same as not being a priority. However, a statement like the one you made also heavily implies to me that you feel your opinion on this matter is more important than my comfort and safety, and that you feel you know more than my partner and I do about my dynamic with him. Does that truly strike you as an open-minded and compassionate approach to offering advice to a stranger?
This needed a conversation, not a new label that could cause harm. It needed the right kind of communication, not someone forcing themselves--or being forced--into a box they do not fit into. Perhaps, in the future, if you don't think you can offer a suggestion without insisting that someone conform to your relationship style, you could consider stepping back until you are able to say something more considerate of the person who made themselves vulnerable enough to ask for nonjudgemental help. What works for you does not have to work for others, and what works for others does not have to work for you. It is, however, absolutely essential to maintain a level of compassion and flexibility if you are going to be offering advice to people, especially people with less experience than you. Otherwise, conversations will end and feelings will get hurt.
Thank you for your time. Love and Light. ✨️❤️✨️