Feeling deprioritized in newish relationship with married partner

[AlsoSometimesPoodles]

[Edited to break this up into paragraphs and add a little extra information]

Hello friends,

I'm in a lovely relationship with a man (we'll call him Sam) who has been married to his wife (we'll call her Sarah) for twelve years. Sam and I have been dating since November, but we first met about 6 years ago. Sarah was actually the one who introduced us, and I was friends with her before I met Sam. Sarah has been polyamorous her entire life and has always had other partners. However, Sam has pretty much only been with Sarah that whole time, so this relationship is especially new territory for him to navigate.

When we were negotiating boundaries and relationship structure, I made it very clear that I don't participate in hierarchical relationships, and I will not be a "secondary" partner. This personal decision comes from a lot of reasons, but it is particularly because of past trauma I have that is associated with feeling disposable in my relationships. He reassured me that they don't have a hierarchical arrangement. However, I have been feeling a lot like a secondary partner, especially recently.

He keeps his phone on when we're together, and always responds to her texts right away. He has also cut our time short suddenly more than once because she wanted or needed something from him, and he doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me. Last night, it was so he could pick up Chinese food for her before the restaurant closed.

He is used to always being around to give Sarah what she needs/wants, and I don't think he understands why it hurts me when we are together and he prioritizes her over me after not truly giving me his full attention in the first place. I don't blame Sarah for this, as it is not her responsibility to set boundaries in Sam's relationships, and Sam is ultimately the one making the decision to text her, to leave, etc. However, I imagine that she is also having some trouble adjusting to the idea of Sam not necessarily being available to her 100% of the time anymore.

I understand that they live together and that they share responsibilities that often need to be prioritized, like taking care of an aging dog. Those aren't the things that bother me when they crop up. It is the things that don't seem necessary to me that hurt my feelings deeply. He seems to think it's about the amount of time he spends with me, but it is really about respecting my time when he is with me. (I also don't believe this goes both ways...I do not have access to him all the time and he doesn't necessarily text me back right away if he's spending time with Sarah. (I don't necessarily need or expect those things, especially this early on, but it is an imbalance that I've noticed and feel could be connected to the other things that are happening.)

I turn my phone to vibrate when I'm with him because I think it's rude to be focused on my phone and splitting my attention when I only have a limited amount of time to spend with Sam. He leaves his phone on loud and looks at it every time it dings. Another red flag I noticed was that he seems to ask her for permission before making plans with me sometimes. For example, when I invited him over yesterday, he said, "Let me just check and make sure Sarah isn't expecting me to stay home."

I have asked him to give me the same courtesy when changing plans with me for Sarah (ie. "It should be fine, but let me just check with her to make sure I'm not missing any information"), but I don't see that happening. I just want to be part of the conversation. I really don't like decisions being made about my time that don't include my voice. This, to me, is behavior I associate with hierarchical relationships, and I find it hurtful, especially because I did not agree to be a secondary partner, and specifically expressed that it was a hard boundary for me.

How can I explain this to Sam in a way that will get my point across clearly while also being supportive? We are all navigating new territory here, and I want to remain flexible. However, this is happening often enough that it is causing me some significant distress, and making me feel like I matter much less, like his time with me is less important than getting Chinese food for Sarah, even though she didn't ask him ahead of time when she knew he was coming to see me. (If he knows when he gets here, all I ask is that he lets me know when he arrives so I don't feel blindsided.)

I care about Sarah and I don't want to cause conflict, even though I know it is Sam's responsibility as a hinge to be mindful of both of our feelings. I don't know if he is aware of how much work that entails. I feel very stuck and want to give this some serious thought before I attempt to have a conversation about it. I am prepared to be patient and do the work.

Thank you in advance for your advice. ✨️❤️✨️

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Sarah could stop calling on him for things like "go to the restaurant before it closes". That's something concrete she could do.

I think other than that, if he doesn't naturally feel that his behaviour is "hierarchial", I don't think explaining will help. This is how he wants to interact with his wife.

Imagine if we could run a test that would tell you definitively whether he views you as the secondary or not, despite your clear instructions that is a hard limit for you. Imagine we run that test and it says "nope not secondary", will you then be happy? Probably not. These actions will still persist.

This is the relationship he can offer you. Do you want it?

 

[dingedheart]

Sarah introduced you to Sam ?? Like played matchmaker? You might want to dig into everyone motivations on that.
was Sam lonely and feeling left out and Sarah took it upon herself to help him out?

I don’t think you were deprioritized. I think you were never properly prioritized. His old habits are extremely hard to break. MAYBE He ran around being her piss boy for yrs out of fear and Now it’s become a habit.

 

[AlsoSometimesPoodles]

Sarah introduced you to Sam ?? Like played matchmaker? You might want to dig into everyone motivations on that.
was Sam lonely and feeling left out and Sarah took it upon herself to help him out?

I don’t think you were deprioritized. I think you were never properly prioritized. His old habits are extremely hard to break. MAYBE He ran around being her piss boy for yrs out of fear and Now it’s become a habit.

I met Sarah at a kink event, we played a few times and hung out, and she thought Sam and I would like each other, so she introduced us. He wasn't feeling jealous or left out, he's just more of an introvert and didn't really go anywhere aside from work and out with Sarah. He doesn't actively search for partners, and he was comfortable with their dynamic. Sarah happened to be right, we do like each other, very much. 🥰 I think she enjoys her other connections so much that she wanted him to have that, too? That's my guess, based on what I know about them both. I can always ask her.

I do think that tending to his wife's wants and needs IS a deeply engrained habit for Sam. I'm thinking about it now and realizing that fear might absolutely be a factor...towards the beginning of our relationship, he wasn't so careful about his phone, until one day he didn't remember to let Sarah know he was planning on coming over, so she got very worried. She couldn't reach either of us, so she came to my house to see if he was there, which he was. She pulled him outside to talk (and asked him to tell me she wasn't upset with me), and since then, he's been pretty attached to his phone. That seems like something worth asking about. 🤔 Sarah is generally very supportive of our relationship, and often even sends a box of goodies with Sam for him to give to me (like when she made chocolate dipped fruit for Valentine's Day.) But that seemed to snap him out of NRE-related lapses in judgement, at least those involving her. (I was not happy to learn that he didn't tell her he was here, so I'm glad that didn't keep happening, but he may have responded by flipping too hard in the opposite direction.)

 

[AlsoSometimesPoodles]

Sarah could stop calling on him for things like "go to the restaurant before it closes". That's something concrete she could do.

I think other than that, if he doesn't naturally feel that his behaviour is "hierarchial", I don't think explaining will help. This is how he wants to interact with his wife.

Imagine if we could run a test that would tell you definitively whether he views you as the secondary or not, despite your clear instructions that is a hard limit for you. Imagine we run that test and it says "nope not secondary", will you then be happy? Probably not. These actions will still persist.

This is the relationship he can offer you. Do you want it?

She could, but it's still Sam's responsibility to communicate that need to her. I don't believe that this is how things will be, full stop. I think it has more to do with him not really understanding his habits and how they affect me, along with how consistent they are with a hierarchical arrangement. To me, it's worth talking through that, because if our definitions don't match anymore, that sounds a lot like a misunderstanding, which is not entirely unworkable. Hence feeling stuck with how to figure out the best way to express these feelings to Sam.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

She could, but it's still Sam's responsibility to communicate that need to her. I don't believe that this is how things will be, full stop. I think it has more to do with him not really understanding his habits and how they affect me, along with how consistent they are with a hierarchical arrangement. To me, it's worth talking through that, because if our definitions don't match anymore, that sounds a lot like a misunderstanding, which is not entirely unworkable. Hence feeling stuck with how to figure out the best way to express these feelings to to Sam

When he does these things, he must be aware he's cutting time short with you to attend to Sam. As I said in my first post, he has now admitted this and that could be the sign of change.

However, just because you realise you use different definitions, it doesn't mean he's then going to agree with your definition and say that hes going to change accordingly. He might just say "oh well i do hierarchy then". That's why I say to focus on whether how he does things actually works for you rather than what he calls them.

 

[AlsoSometimesPoodles]

When he does these things, he must be aware he's cutting time short with you to attend to Sam. As I said in my first post, he has now admitted this and that could be the sign of change.

However, just because you realise you use different definitions, it doesn't mean he's then going to agree with your definition and say that hes going to change accordingly. He might just say "oh well i do hierarchy then". That's why I say to focus on whether how he does things actually works for you rather than what he calls them.

That's a fair point. Hopefully he's willing to find some common ground with me. I guess I have to think about what to do if he won't, but I would rather cross that bridge when I get to it and try to stay optimistic and give him the benefit of the doubt until then.

 

[Magdlyn]

Poodles, you have 12 hours to edit your post. If you see this in time, it would be great if you could go back to your OP and add paragraph breaks, to make your post more readable! Thanks.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello friends,

I'm in a lovely relationship with a man (we'll call him Sam) who has been married to his wife (we'll call her Sarah) for twelve years. Sam and I have been dating since November, but have known each other for about 5-6 years. Sarah was actually the one who introduced us, and I was friends with her before I met Sam.

Sarah has been polyamorous her entire life and has always had other partners. However, Sam has pretty much only been with Sarah that whole time, so this relationship is especially new territory for him to navigate.

Dating rookies is hard!

When we were negotiating boundaries and relationship structure, I made it very clear that I don't participate in hierarchical relationships, and I would not be a "secondary" partner. This personal decision comes from a lot of reasons, but it is particularly because of past trauma I have that is associated with feeling disposable in my relationships. He reassured me that they don't have a hierarchical arrangement.

You might have great expectations... But I tend to think of "primaries" as nesting partners who share a house/flat, finances, cars, pets, kids and who may be legally married too, with all the privileges involved in that.

I hear you're long time polyamorous, and have experience and also trauma around feeling "less than." But at the same time, you (we) don't get to swan into a relationship with a partnered poly person and expect to have all the rights and privileges, not to mention memories, habits, private jokes, relationships with extended family members, etc. The first year at least of a new relationship is on a trial basis, imo. You're just getting to know each other. Maybe if you were mono, you'd declare yourselves bf and gf and "my one and only" after just a few months, but you're not mono.

I believe you can be a secondary (non-nesting, NRE, trial basis) and still be respected. And it sounds like that is where Sam is failing you. Hopefully you can be clear about the exact things he does or doesn't do that bother you, and he can stop doing that and be a better boyfriend.

However, I have been feeling a lot like a secondary partner, especially recently. He keeps his phone on when we're together, and always responds to her texts right away.

Have you told him this bothers you? Set limits around non-emergency phone calls/texts.

He has also cut our time short suddenly more than once because she wanted or needed something from him, and he doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me. Last night, it was so he could pick up Chinese food for her before the restaurant closed.

Yeah, no. That's not good. She could've used Door Dash? Or gone out herself? They sound entangled.

He is used to always being around to give Sarah what she needs/wants, and I don't think he understands why it hurts me when we are together and he prioritizes her over me, after not truly giving me his full attention in the first place. I don't blame Sarah for this, as it is not her responsibility to set boundaries in Sam's relationships, and Sam is ultimately the one making the decision to text her, to leave, etc. However, I imagine that she is also having some trouble adjusting to the idea of Sam not necessarily being available to her 100% of the time anymore.

You're being understanding. As the experienced polyamorist, you can explain this to him, no?

I understand that they live together and that they share responsibilities that often need to be prioritized, like taking care of an aging dog. Those aren't the things that bother me when they crop up. It is the things that don't seem necessary to me that hurt my feelings deeply. He seems to think it's about the amount of time he spends with me, but it is really about respecting my time when he is with me. (I also don't believe this goes both ways...I do not have access to him all the time and he doesn't necessarily text me back right away if he's spending time with Sarah.)

It sounds like you've tried explaining this and he keeps thinking you want more quantity time. But what you want is better quality time, right?

I turn my phone to vibrate when I'm with him because I think it's rude to be focused on my phone and splitting my attention when I only have a limited amount of time to spend with Sam. He leaves his phone on loud and looks at it every time it dings.

Cell phones! They are a blessing and a curse. Some people, especially younger ones, are so addicted to that immediate gratification. Imagine a day before cell phones. If you weren't home, you could go run your errands in peace, or spend time with a partner or friend, and someone who called you could leave a message that you might answer, or might not. And before that, we didn't even have message technology. People would just have to call you back again and again until they found you at home lol

Another red flag I noticed was that he seems to ask her for permission before making plans with me, sometimes. For example, when I invited him over yesterday, he said, "Let me just check and make sure Sarah isn't expecting me to stay home." I have asked him to give me the same courtesy when changing plans with me for Sarah (ie. "It should be fine, but let me just check with her to make sure I'm not missing any information"), but I don't see that happening. I just want to be part of the conversation. I really don't like decisions being made about my time that don't include my voice. This, to me, is behavior I associate with hierarchical relationships, and I find it hurtful, especially because I did not agree to be a secondary partner, and specifically expressed that it was a hard boundary for me.

Again, have you addressed this specifically, and he's just blown you off?

On the other hand, some people make designated days for dates with their partners. In my case, I see Aries on Friday-Sunday night, and Pixi from Tuesday til Friday night. (I have Mondays to myself.) Certainly I would consult with either partner if they needed to do something with me on the other person's usual day.

How can I explain this to Sam in a way that will get my point across clearly while also being supportive? We are all navigating new territory here, and I want to remain flexible. However, this is happening often enough that it is causing me some significant distress, and making me feel like I matter much less, like his time with me is less important than getting Chinese food for Sarah, even though she didn't ask him ahead of time when she knew he was coming to see me. (If he knows when he gets here, all I ask is that he lets me know when he arrives so I don't feel blindsided.)

It must suck to feel like you're trying to request him to meet your needs, and he's either not understanding you, or not agreeing to meet your needs.

I care about Sarah and I don't want to cause conflict, even though I know it is Sam's responsibility as a hinge to be mindful of both of our feelings. I don't know if he is aware of how much work that entails.

It sounds like he isn't aware. He is a newbie. It's up to you. Is it worth the work to try and get your message across? Or have you tried and tried and he just keeps being obtuse and you're ready to give up?

I feel very stuck and want to give this some serious thought before I attempt to have a conversation about it. I am prepared to be patient and do the work.

Thank you in advance for your advice. ✨️❤️✨️

 

[AlsoSometimesPoodles]

Poodles, you have 12 hours to edit your post. If you see this in time, it would be great if you could go back to your OP and add paragraph breaks, to make your post more readable! Thanks.

I'll do that, thank you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello AlsoSometimesPoodles,

Tell Sam that when he is with you, you need him to give you 100% of his attention. This means not interacting with his phone, and it means not changing plans every time Sarah wants some minor favor from him. Say this to him, and have him repeat it back to you so that you know he heard you.

I also think that when you have a boundary, you should enforce it. This means that if Sam doesn't improve his behavior (after you talk to him about it), you will break up with him (either temporarily or permanently).

Right now you are trying very hard to not rock the boat, even though Sam (Sarah too) is acting totally inconsiderate toward you, and you not rocking the boat is causing you deep and profound pain. To me that seems like an unfair arrangement.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

When he does these things, he must be aware he's cutting time short with you to attend to Sarah. As I said in my first post, he has now admitted this and that could be the sign of change. However, just because you realise you use different definitions, it doesn't mean he's then going to agree with your definition and say that he's going to change accordingly. He might just say "Oh well, I do hierarchy then." That's why I say to focus on whether how he does things actually works for you rather than what he calls them.

This is a key point. Some couples go into poly declaring that they will always be each other's #1, and any and all other lovers will always be secondaries or tertiaries. This works for some people. Their lovers should be told upfront that they are about to date a hierarchical poly person. Some people will be absolutely fine with always being secondary. They might be busy and only have X amount of time for dating. They might have their own primary. They might have kids who take up much of their time. They might travel a lot for work. Etc.

One thing for readers to remember is that, even if you are in a hierarchical poly couple, you never know... a person might come along for either one of you who might be so perfect for you, you want to work towards making them your co-primary. After all, we are a mononormative culture. Prior modern attempts at ENM have been swinging oriented, where the primary couple is sacred and no one is allowed to fall in love with another sex partner. But love happens. That's why we have the modern polyamory movement. There is a realization happening that, with 8 billion people on earth, the idea that we only have one soul mate is pretty ridiculous.

 

[AlsoSometimesPoodles]

Dating rookies is hard!

You might have great expectations... But I tend to think of "primaries" as nesting partners who share a house/flat, finances, cars, pets, kids and who may be legally married too, with all the privileges involved in that.

I hear you're long time polyamorous, and have experience and also trauma around feeling "less than." But at the same time, you (we) don't get to swan into a relationship with a partnered poly person and expect to have all the rights and privileges, not to mention memories, habits, private jokes, relationships with extended family members, etc. The first year at least of a new relationship is on a trial basis, imo. You're just getting to know each other. Maybe if you were mono, you'd declare yourselves bf and gf and "my one and only" after just a few months, but you're not mono.

I believe you can be a secondary (non-nesting, NRE, trial basis) and still be respected. And it sounds like that is where Sam is failing you. Hopefully you can be clear about the exact things he does or doesn't do that bother you, and he can stop doing that and be a better boyfriend.

Have you told him this bothers you? Set limits around non-emergency phone calls/texts.

Yeah, no. That's not good. She could've used Door Dash? Or gone out herself? They sound entangled.

You're being understanding. As the experienced polyamorist, you can explain this to him, no?

It sounds like you've tried explaining this and he keeps thinking you want more quantity time. But what you want is better quality time, right?

Cell phones! They are a blessing and a curse. Some people, especially younger ones, are so addicted to that immediate gratification. Imagine a day before cell phones. If you weren't home, you could go run your errands in peace, or spend time with a partner or friend, and someone who called you could leave a message that you might answer, or might not. And before that, we didn't even have message technology. People would just have to call you back again and again until they found you at home lol

Again, have you addressed this specifically, and he's just blown you off?

On the other hand, some people make designated days for dates with their partners. In my case, I see Aries on Friday-Sunday night, and Pixi from Tuesday til Friday night. (I have Mondays to myself.) Certainly I would consult with either partner if they needed to do something with me on the other person's usual day.

It must suck to feel like you're trying to request him to meet your needs, and he's either not understanding you, or not agreeing to meet your needs.

It sounds like he isn't aware. He is a newbie. It's up to you. Is it worth the work to try and get your message across? Or have you tried and tried and he just keeps being obtuse and you're ready to give up?

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply! You're pretty spot on in most of what you're saying, and a lot of your advice is helpful! I have tried talking to Sam about this a couple of times, but I haven't been able to do it in a way that makes me feel like I'm being clear to either of us. I thought I would try a different tactic this time, and instead of reacting right away and trying to express my feelings while I was upset, I would wait, give it thought, and have a loving conversation about it, giving him the opportunity to ask as many questions as he wants, if any. I agree that setting a boundary around cell phone usage is a good idea. I think it would bother me just as much if he were reading the news or checking Facebook. (At least in terms of the attention he gives me (or not) when we're together. Him choosing to leave for trivial reasons is a different matter.)

I do think it's worth it to try to get the message across. Sam is a caring partner, and we are very smitten with each other. I want to give him the opportunity to learn and grow with me. This is the first time we've encountered a real obstacle that could cause some serious conflict, and I am so used to people bailing out of fear when that happens. If he doesn't want to run away at the first sign of trouble (which I don't think he does), I think he deserves the chance to try working through this with me. It could leave us much stronger. It could also cause things to blow up, but I am really hoping for the first thing.

 

[AlsoSometimesPoodles]

Hello AlsoSometimesPoodles,

Tell Sam that when he is with you, you need him to give you 100% of his attention. This means not interacting with his phone, and it means not changing plans every time Sarah wants some minor favor from him. Say this to him, and have him repeat it back to you so that you know he heard you.

I also think that when you have a boundary, you should enforce it. This means that if Sam doesn't improve his behavior (after you talk to him about it), you will break up with him (either temporarily or permanently).

Right now you are trying very hard to not rock the boat, even though Sam (Sarah too) is acting totally inconsiderate toward you, and you not rocking the boat is causing you deep and profound pain. To me that seems like an unfair arrangement.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

Thank you, Kevin! I so deeply appreciate your compassionate and direct answer to my question. Enforcing a boundary like that is a tough one. I am grateful to you for reminding me to check in with myself about what I can and cannot handle, and what boundaries need my attention.

 

[kdt26417]

Glad if I could help.

 

[Magdlyn]

I thought I shared the secondary's bill of rights with you, but maybe I shared it on another thread! I understand you don't want to be in a hierarchical relationship, but since you are the new partner, and not cohabiting, face it. You are currently a secondary. This article should explain things for you.

More Than Two | Secondary’s Guide

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply! You're pretty spot on in most of what you're saying, and a lot of your advice is helpful! I have tried talking to Sam about this a couple of times, but I haven't been able to do it in a way that makes me feel like I'm being clear to either of us. I thought I would try a different tactic this time, and instead of reacting right away and trying to express my feelings while I was upset, I would wait, give it thought, and have a loving conversation about it, giving him the opportunity to ask as many questions as he wants, if any. I agree that setting a boundary around cell phone usage is a good idea. I think it would bother me just as much if he were reading the news or checking Facebook. (At least in terms of the attention he gives me (or not) when we're together. Him choosing to leave for trivial reasons is a different matter.)

Yes, those Non-Violent Communication skills need to be on point. Look that technique up, if you're not familiar.

I do think it's worth it to try to get the message across. Sam is a caring partner, and we are very smitten with each other. I want to give him the opportunity to learn and grow with me. This is the first time we've encountered a real obstacle that could cause some serious conflict, and I am so used to people bailing out of fear when that happens. If he doesn't want to run away at the first sign of trouble (which I don't think he does), I think he deserves the chance to try working through this with me. It could leave us much stronger. It could also cause things to blow up, but I am really hoping for the first thing.

I am surprised that you've only dated people who have "run at the first sign of trouble"! All relationships need tweaking. That's just real life. Obviously those prior partners had no idea how to be a real boyfriend, or even friend. There is always going to be at least a little conflict, a few misunderstandings here and there when you deal with others.

 

[GalaGirl]

You are dating a newbie. You seem to think it's worth investing.

So... pick one issue at a time. Don't talk about ALL the issues at once.

He keeps his phone on when we're together, and always responds to her texts right away.

Could ask him to to turn the phone off or set to vibrate when on dates with you. (This would have solved the Chinese food, btw)

Could ask if he's already texted before coming in the restaurant or if he needs a moment before the date starts to text he's arrived. Nothing stops him from texting again from the parking lot once the restaurant date is over.

Another red flag I noticed was that he seems to ask her for permission before making plans with me sometimes. For example, when I invited him over yesterday, he said, "Let me just check and make sure Sarah isn't expecting me to stay home."

Guess what? I'm married. I have chores. I sometimes have to deal with eldercare. SO WHAT?

If you dated me? If you invited me over? You would not hear CoupleTalk like

"Let me just check and make sure DH isn't expecting me to stay home." Like I center my talk around my DH. DH doesn't set my calendar.

You would hear MeTalk.

"Let me check my calendar. Can I call you back in a bit?"

I would have to go check my calendar and see if I forgot anything I was supposed to do with/for DH or if any eldercare things are going on, my work next day is ok if I go out or what. But if all my chores and things are met, yeah. I'd come visit you. You'd hear me call back.

"I checked my calendar and I'm caught up. How about Denny's?"

Can you hear the difference though? *I* am responsible for my time management and calendar. Not other people.

Some long term couples forget they are individuals who are sometimes part of a couple. They just go all "CoupleBlob" in their talk. Spouse thinks this and spouse thinks that almost like they lose themselves in that relationship.

You could ask Sam if he realizes how he sounds when he does CoupleTalk.

Could ask him if he can hear the difference when his conversations center his spouse and when his conversation center himself and when they center YOU.

Because he is still his individual self.

And now part of TWO couples. (Sam+ Sarah) and (Sam + you).

He has also cut our time short suddenly more than once because she wanted or needed something from him, and he doesn't seem to understand why it upsets me. Last night, it was so he could pick up Chinese food for her before the restaurant closed.

I left this for last because it's just DUMB to me. A craving for Chinese food is NOT an ER emergency.

Sarah can get her own food, Chinese places deliver, or use DoorDash or whatever if out of area. Or eat cereal. Have Chinese food tomorrow.

Sam could finish his appointments in the order made. He can finish his date with you first. And IF the Chinese place is still open? He can try to get her some. Otherwise? Too bad. Sarah can learn to plan her dinner ahead more.

Or he can just tell her NO. He just doesn't do "honey do list" type chores and errands on his date nights.

Put it on the list, he gets to it at his CHORE TIME.

You could ask Sam if he honors his things in the order made, or if he gives his wife a "cut in line" card all the time. Does he realize he is doing it?

Talk to him about what is and what is NOT acceptable reasons to cut a date with you short or canceling a date.

ER emergency? Car broke down? Alright. Things happen.

Chinese food? Is not acceptable. Esp when there's other means to get it. It doesn't have to be husband delivered.

GG

 

[RosesAreRainbow]

I have not read the entire thread, but I do want to commend you for painting a very clear picture of the situation. You sound experienced and reasonable. Some thoughts on this--

-- It sounds like the three of you need to sit down and talk this out.
-- It sounds like Sam needs to turn off his phone during time with you. That is just rude. Even if I'm just having lunch with a friend, I expect us to both keep our phones in our purses/pockets during that time.
-- Sarah needs to respect your time with Sam and not text him except in an emergency.
-- It could be that Sam has told Sarah she's his number 1 and she's testing that-- or it could be that Sam is telling Sarah one thing and you another thing. This is where the sit down conversation with you all should happen.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are just clueless and need clarification. If they continue to do it past the group conversation it might be time to form an exit plan. You deserve better.

 

[Etherealbeing]

It's not easy being a hinge. This sounds like he is not clear on his needs and boundaries with you or Sarah or himself. He could take a look at what kind of a partner does he want to be with you and what kind of partner does he want to be with Sarah? What are his needs in these relationships? Why does he do these things for Sarah? Is he going through guilt?

Opening up is a process. You will need to be firm with your needs and also patient. I listen to this woman Libby on spotify. She has an episode on hinging. There are other resources too. Jessica Fern has a talk on youtube on opening from mono to poly. It would probably help a lot if he would educate himself around the topic.

I also do believe there can be non hierarchical poly even if not living together. I have the same hard boundary. I can relax on that for someone as they learn, though it is not easy. But the end goal must be non hierarchical as I feel if I would agree to something else it would not be safe and I would be self sacrificing.