Feeling disgust towards my SO

R

Renivier

New member
At the other night my SO came home after having sex with his FB. I was home (this was unusual; usually I have been out or sleeping). SO went to shower but didn’t wash his teeth before I asked him to. He forgot. Oops!

I was furious.

How can you forget something like that? Two things that shouldn’t even be something to agree on, you should do them out of common courtesy towards me; shower and wash your teeth when you come home after having sex with your FB. (Sex inc. kissing and giving oral sex.)

(Actually, I have realized that I have to spell these things out to him because I feel that he lacks the ability and/or willingness to be polite towards me, so I have told him that it is important that he showers and washes his teeth afterwards. He knew this.)

I was (still am) disgusted.
How many times has he forgotten to wash his teeth before?
What about those evenings we had sex at the same day he had met with his FB. Did he wash his teeth afterwards or kiss and give oral to another and after that did the same to me?

Of course he says that he has always washed his teeth before, this was just an exception.
At the moment all I can think of is “
if I hadn’t been home, he wouldn’t have done that at all. Usually I haven’t been at home or I have been sleeping. How many times did he forget before?”

At the moment I am so disgusted that I don’t want him to kiss me or even come very close.
I feel disappointed and neglected.

How should I bond with him after his night out when I feel disgusted by him?
How should I overcome this? (When all I can think of is the other woman’s fluids in my mouth and my SO’s indifference towards this?)


*Sorry for my grammar, non-native English-speaker here. I ‘ve been reading the forum for a while but been really shy to write myself..
 
I'm not sure what to tell you because there has been times when Seven and I were together that after he would have been with Lamian (or when he was still dating Peaseblossum) that if he saw me after they had sex he would come over to me and spend a decent amount of time kissing me and cuddling.

While I understand that you are hurt that he didn't due what you had agreed to, it sounds like you are going overboard with it. Not trusting he's ever done it, not wanting him anywhere near you. Why does this rule exist? Because the idea of having that intimacy without a space between squicks you out or because you want to try and limit his actions?

Also, if you aren't home, why does it matter if he showers/brushes his teeth afterwards as long as it's done before you see him?
 
I guess we all have different standards of "cleanliness" in this area. My gf, bf and I have no rules about showering or teeth brushing after being with someone else. But then I have had sex 3somes with both of them at once. I have also gone directly from shagging my bf to kissing and sexing up my gf after bf passes out. She likes my bf and is not grossed out by his saliva or the idea his sweat or cum has recently been in my mouth.

I guess if my bf was with a NEW partner and gave her oral sex, I'd not want to kiss him immediately afterwards, til he at least washed his face/beard. Unless she was hot. Then I'd want to be in there eating her out along with him in a threesome!

As far as the interior of his mouth being clean, saliva or a drink of water would be enough cleansing for me. Up to him if he wants to brush his teeth or use some mouthwash.

You seem to have different standards than your bf. You can accept this or continue to be disgusted, or work hard at training him to do things your way...
 
Thanks. I knew I’d get some perspective from you.

I know I am little overboard with it. This happened only two nights ago and I know time will heal me. It’s just. I feel like I have been disappointed so many times, I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to be polite and respect my feelings? Even though I have told him what I expect from him (and he strongly agrees and wants me to shower and brush my teeth when I come home from a date).

I don’t try to limit his actions; he is free to do what ever he wants with his FB. What freaks me out here is that I thought we were on the same page about “cleanliness” and still – oops, how easy it is to forget.


Unfortunately I really can’t find other woman’s body fluids as a turn on, quite the opposite.
 
Renivier said:
At the moment I am so disgusted that I don’t want him to kiss me or even come very close.
Click to expand...

Everyone has their own standard when it comes to cleanliness. Since you are freaked out about his not brushing his teeth after being with a lover when he's not even with you... this tells me that there is an irrational element.

I don't particularly want to make out with a girl who has been sucking someone elses dick. If I knew that were the case I might stop any affection and say "Do me a favor and go brush your teeth. I don't want CVs baby badder in my mouth"

What I wouldn't do is shut down and cease to be able to look at her for days after the dreaded tooth brush incident. That is something a bit more deeply rooted which I personally would want to seek therapy to figure out.
 
Marcus said:
Everyone has their own standard when it comes to cleanliness. Since you are freaked out about his not brushing his teeth after being with a lover when he's not even with you... this tells me that there is an irrational element.

I don't particularly want to make out with a girl who has been sucking someone elses dick. If I knew that were the case I might stop any affection and say "Do me a favor and go brush your teeth. I don't want CVs baby badder in my mouth"

What I wouldn't do is shut down and cease to be able to look at her for days after the dreaded tooth brush incident. That is something a bit more deeply rooted which I personally would want to seek therapy to figure out.
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I agree with Marcus...I feel like you might be over reacting a touch. When I come home from Nudge's house J may pauise and say "did you brush your teeth?" and if i havent i make a quick trip to the bathroom before we kiss. Because I know how he feels about this, I always try to use mouthwash before I leave Nudge's house. With Nudge, I honestly dont think about what hes been doing before I arrived...though if i know he was with wife for an extended period I may ask if he;s showered, but im pretty sure we all shower between partners as common courtesy.
 
Judge enballyo

Marcus said:
Everyone has their own standard when it comes to cleanliness. Since you are freaked out about his not brushing his teeth after being with a lover when he's not even with you... this tells me that there is an irrational element.
Click to expand...
You are a perceptive reader. :) You are right, there has been some trust issues too and they are also the reason why I am overreacting. Working hard on them.
 
I always ask N if he washed his face when he gets home. The last thing I want is to.give him a kiss and and smell some other chicks pussy, Yuck!
 
Inyourendo said:
I always ask N if he washed his face when he gets home. The last thing I want is to.give him a kiss and and smell some other chicks pussy, Yuck!
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lmao IYE, i didnt think about this stuff much before but now you guys are going to have me sniffing Nudge
 
Well, what is important to you here? That he does it or when he does it or how he does it?

For instance...

  • That he brushes his teeth/showers before interacting with you? (That he DOES it. Period.)
  • That he brushes his teeth/showers immediately after being with other lover as soon as he gets home. (WHEN he does it.)
  • That he brushes/showers without reminding from you? (HOW he does it.)
  • A combo of the above?

If this is your want/need, how willing are you to help him help meet it so you get what you want/need?
  • Are you willing to remind orally? Another way -- with a note on the bathroom mirror?
  • Or not willing to remind in any method?

It’s just. I feel like I have been disappointed so many times, I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to be polite and respect my feelings?
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Then you seem like you are disappointed in his lack of follow through.

The shower/teeth thing seems to be the surface layer. The core thing bothering you seems to be that he doesn't follow through on promises.

Could expect him NOT to follow through then if this is his habit and just stick to reminding him.

  • That could solve your "disappointed" --could take it off the table so you aren't disappointed again.
  • You are also getting the cleanliness you DO want.

Win for you twice! That could work if it is just this one area where his follow through is weak and he needs help to remember.

But if his lack of follow through is all over the map... maybe you want to have a serious conversation about that? Then decide what you are willing to live with for sake of harmony and what's just intolerable because chronic lack of follow through all over the map erodes him being a person of his word and your ability to trust in his word.

Be hard to live / be with a guy who is not a person of his word, forgets to pay bills, lock the front door, take out the trash, leaves the water running, etc. There's a difference between forgetting once in a while and being outright careless.

Galagirl
 
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Renivier said:
It’s just. I feel like I have been disappointed so many times, I don’t understand why it is so hard for him to be polite and respect my feelings?
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Reading this, I noticed a reaction to the way you phrased this sentiment. There's a writer, Deborah Tannen, who has focused on the way people walk to each other and the way that certain phrases or words convey our expectations about a situation. "Just" is a pretty important word in her universe. Especially the way you write, it, "It's just." That sends a really strong signal that your expectations have been violated in some meaningful way.

It leads to a question which perhaps invents a positive out of a situation you thought was icky: how does the washing and brushing of teeth (which for you is about being polite and respect for your feelings) compare to his desire to see you as quickly as possible because, who knows, maybe he's really happy to see you and the other stuff just isn't as important?
 
Im also curious if there is a time limit....if i see one of my guys and am intimate with him, and i dont see the other guy until 5 hours later without getting to brush my teeth, is it still gross?
 
gorgeouskitten said:
Im also curious if there is a time limit....if i see one of my guys and am intimate with him, and i dont see the other guy until 5 hours later without getting to brush my teeth, is it still gross?
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What if there was a spicy dinner in between the fluid exchange and the attempted smooching?

Or like... a really strong breath mint?
 
Marcus said:
What if there was a spicy dinner in between the fluid exchange and the attempted smooching?

Or like... a really strong breath mint?
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And does it matter if there were no fluids besides salivia in my mouth, followed by a mint, or a twinkie? (i just ate a twinkie)
 
I imposed the kimchi rule on Beaker shortly after we started going out. Which was she had to brush at least 3 times before even thinking about kissing me after she ate kimchi. Man, that stuff reeks!

Anyway, to answer the OP seriously, it feels to me that brushing/mouthwash is 'standing in' for something else, something possibly much more serious. It reads like you fundamentally don't feel respected or treated well by the your partner. And this greatly frustrates you, which is understandable.
 
I suppose if you can't trust the guy, you could always make him wear a dental dam when you want to kiss him.
 
BigGuy said:
I suppose if you can't trust the guy, you could always make him wear a dental dam when you want to kiss him.
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Now that's got the makings of an interesting moment, lol.

"Excuse me darling, I need to fetch the Saran Wrap for our date tonight."
 
Interesting...

Made me talk to my guys a bit.

We have a "condoms" rule when outside the Vee...but no rules about showering and teethbrushing...guess we don't have much squick-factor. I know that I have gone from having sex/oral with one to having sex/oral with the other. If they are with someone else, I don't expect them to make any special cleanliness actions before they are with me and vice versa. (I don't mind second-hand juices...I would have been there myself if invited/interested.)

However, if this is something that your guy knows about and had agreed to - then he should abide by it...

Also, I like strong flavors and tend to have strong body odors if I have been active...if one of my boys is turned off by this they say "Bathe her and bring her to me." - then I know to wash/brush before pressing further...

JaneQ
 
My partner and I have a "shower after having sex with others" rule. I would be really pissed if she didn't follow through.

Your SO is violating your boundaries. You need to make it clear to him how serious that is. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, he doesn't respect you.

I've screwed up on boundaries before, as i'm sure we all have - but never the same one twice. That shows a real lack of regard for your needs, which is a big red flag for me.

In my opinion, he needs to change his behaviour before you change SOs.
 
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