Feeling guilty

Cabinlife2020

New member
Names
DW (hubs)
MW (me)
SH (bf)

DW finally got a night SH (probably been a week since DW had shared SH bed, nothing we did SH was having personal things going on) last night DW was with SH, this morning about 4:30ish (SH was up she is an early person gets up gets coffee smokes a cig etc) but when SH got back into bed DW was horny and tried to "to get some" SH slapped his hand away and said no, go home (which means go to my room) so DW did (I didn't know this till later I figured maybe SH was up and DW figured he could sleep another hour) well DW got me all riled up and we had a quickie (which was nice) of course right after I felt guilty thinking it was in a way still SH time to be with DW (not that we have anything set in stone) or then I thought well maybe I was getting sloppy seconds (I didn't know if DW and SH had done anything not before I don't ask) but this morning after I was and getting ready for work noticed SH had her door locked which means she is pissed about something and that is when DW told me the full story.

So now I feel bad and guilty and not sure if I am in the wrong or what, DW explained because SH said "go home" he did, I said you probably should have stayed and just held SH etc, DW said he is going to say sorry to SH, DW said I shouldn't have to say sorry to her but I don't know what to think or do. I would be upset if DW went to her if I said "not in the mood" but DW said SH would have said "not in the mood right now" he would have just stayed and cuddled but I think slapping his hand away and saying go home DW typical horny male said ok. Of course I would never slap his hand away and tell him to go home or away I would just say "not in the mood right now"

Am I also in the wrong here for getting it on with DW do I need to say sorry to SH
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think you could stay out of it. I also don't understand your guilt. What crime did you do?

Your husband came to your room and you had a quickie before going to work. He's your partner too. You don't have to feel guilty about sharing sex with your spouse or apologize for that.

Stay out of whatever he has going on with his other partner and their problems. If they are having some sort of fight or argument, it's on them to solve it. You don't have to "coach" DH through it or help him with it.

This whole "Queen Bee" arrangement you have going on over there where she is the boss of all and you and husband dance attendance on her...

Unless this is a kink you all enjoy doing together? Stop doing it.

Detach. Let the hinge deal with his problems and you attend to your own side of the V with him and she can attend to her side of the V with him.

So she closes the door because she's mad for whatever reason. So what? People can be mad sometimes. She's not breaking all the dishes or setting the house on fire. What makes you uncomfortable about an angry person spending time in their room with the door closed? To me it sounds like they are taking a time out to cool off.

Galagirl
 

Cabinlife2020

New member
Guess I feel guilty that DW left SH to come to me not sure why but ususaly just respect that say SH time was from when they went to bed till wake up time (usually 6am) is "their time" but again nothing in stone and its not like DW left her she did tell him to go.

When SH is mad at me too how do I stay out of it though, then I get the mad glares and silent treatment (I have known SH for over 35 years so when SH is not mad we talk about other things in our lives, kids family tv show etc if you know what I mean) then I feel like I am in the middle of DW and SH fight and it stresses me out.

SH can have her door locked (not problem with that one reason we go her a locking door for her privacy) now only reason I know it was locked is SH does get upset if DW or myself do not say goodbye to her in the morning and love you and we usually poke our head her room (alot times she is out in the kitchen etc) but when DW went to tell SH bye love you noticed door locked which 90 percent of the time she does when she is mad (which again is fine) so we just holler thru the door to her

I personally think we all need better communication (maybe I am wrong there) but if one of us, me DW or SH have an issues with each other it should be talked out (unfortunately DW and SH are both stubborn about this and the type that thinks they are right and not in the wrong or thinks the other should make the first step, so I have gave up trying to fix things or getting people to talk) except DW said he would talk to SH about this issue.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Names
DW (hubs)
Let's call him Dwight. Initials are hard to remember.
You could just be cabinlife, like your screen name. I don't want to remember 2 names for you.
You mean "gf." SH? Let's say Shelly. Again, initials will be hard for your readers to remember.
Dwight finally got a night with Shelly. It had probably been a week since he had shared her bed. It was nothing we did. Shelly was having personal things going on.

Last night Dwight was with Shelly. This morning, at about 4:30, Shelly got up. She is an early person. She gets up, gets coffee, smokes a cig, etc. But when she got back into bed, Dwight was horny and tried to "get some." Shelly slapped his hand away and said, "No, go home!" which meant go to my room. So he did.

(I didn't know this till later. I figured maybe Shelly was up and Dwight figured he could sleep another hour.) Then Dwight got me all riled up and we had a quickie, which was nice.

As a side note, it seems from your other post that quickies are all you ever get. He cums, you don't. Done.
Of course, right after this, I felt guilty, thinking it was in a way still Shelly's time to be with Dwight (not that we have anything set in stone). Then I thought maybe I was getting sloppy seconds. (I didn't know if Dwight and Shelly had done anything before. I didn't ask.) But this morning, after I was getting ready for work, I noticed Shelly had her door locked, which means she is pissed about something. And that is when Dwight told me the full story.

Now I feel bad and guilty, I am not sure if I am in the wrong or what. Dwight explained that because Shelly said "go home," he did, I said, "You probably should have stayed and just held her, etc."

Dwight said he is going to say "sorry" to Shelly. Dwight said I shouldn't have to say "sorry" to her. But I don't know what to think or do. I would be upset if Dwight went to her, if I said I was "not in the mood." But he said if Shelly would have said, "I'm not in the mood right now," he would have just stayed and cuddled. But I think when she slapped his hand away and said, "Go home!" Dwight, as a typical horny male, said OK. Of course, I would never slap his hand away and tell him to go home or away. I would just say, "I'm not in the mood right now."
Am I also in the wrong here for getting it on with DW? Do I need to tell SH I am sorry?
It sounds like Shelly is having personal problems and taking it out on you and Dwight. First, she refused to sleep with him for a week. Then, when she finally agreed to sleep with him, and he barely attempted to initiate sex, he got SLAPPED and told to "Go home!"

You are taking on responsibility for Shelly's problems and behaviors. And you are taking on being the problem fixer for Dwight. It sounds like Shelly is in the habit of being angry, locking her door, and other behaviors in your next post. And you try to pour oil on rough waters, be the peacemaker, even for things you didn't in any way cause. She told Dwight to get out. What he and/or you do in your own bedroom is your own business.

Shelly sounds like a terrible person to live with.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I guess I feel guilty that Dwight left Shelly to come to me. I'm not sure why but I usually just respect that Shelly's time is from when they go to bed until they wake up (usually at 6:00 am) as "their time." Again , nothing is set in stone. And its not like Dwight left her, she did tell him to go.

When Shelly is mad at me too, how do I stay out of it though? Then I get the mad glares and the silent treatment.
If you want to talk to Shelly, ask her, "Are you mad at me?" If she won't speak and tell you if she is, and why or why not, and this is a 35 year long pattern, why the hell are you friends with her, much less sharing your husband with her? She sounds like a terrible "friend." Good friends talk things over and make up. Talking things over prevents further conflicts.

I have known Shelly for over 35 years. When she is not mad, we talk about other things in our lives: our kids, family, tv shows, etc.
I feel like I am in the middle of Dwight's and Shelly's fight, and it stresses me out.
You need better boundaries. And Shelly needs better communication skills. Locking doors, slapping, glaring and silent treatments are not healthy relationship skills. I wouldn't want to be friends with her, or live with her, or try to be good metamours with her.
Shelly can have her door locked, That's not a problem. That was one reason we go her a locking door, for her privacy. The only reason I know it was locked is Shelly does get upset if Dwight or I do not say goodbye to her in the morning, and "Love you!" We usually poke our heads in her room, unless she is out in the kitchen. But when Dwight went to tell her bye, he noticed her door was locked, which 90 percent of the time she does when she is mad, which, again, is fine. We just holler thru the door to her if it's locked.

I personally think we all need better communication (maybe I am wrong there)

I think you and Dwight should stop letting her rule the roost with her bad behavior. It sounds almost abusive. Yelling, glaring, slapping, passive aggressive silent treatments... ugh!
If one of us has an issue with another, I think it should be talked out.
You are right.
Unfortunately, DW and SH are both stubborn about this. They are both the type that thinks they are right and not in the wrong. They think the other should make the first step.


I have given up trying to fix things or getting people to talk, except DW said he would talk to SH about this issue.
Why do you stay here in this mess? Bad sex, horrible roommate/metamour, stubborn angry people who won't talk things out... You thinking you need to apologize for Shelly's slapping and yelling. I think you don't see what a mess this is. Do you have any friends or a therapist you can talk to about this? Or are you in a cabin alone on the side of a remote holler with no one else to talk to?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Guess I feel guilty that DW left SH to come to me

SH tells DW to go away. He complies. Then YOU feel guilty about HIS behavior choices?

That's messed up. You see that right?

not sure why but ususaly just respect that say SH time was from when they went to bed till wake up time (usually 6am) is "their time" but again nothing in stone and its not like DW left her she did tell him to go.

I think you are sometimes REALLY rigid with this "time share" thing. The man sounds like he has to punch a clock in each bedroom.

Plus both of them were awake already and she told him to go. Reduce your stress load and stop worrying about the small stuff.

When SH is mad at me too how do I stay out of it though, then I get the mad glares and silent treatment (I have known SH for over 35 years so when SH is not mad we talk about other things in our lives, kids family tv show etc if you know what I mean) then I feel like I am in the middle of DW and SH fight and it stresses me out.

Are you a people pleaser type? If so it's going to be harder on you, but I think you still have to exercise stronger personal boundaries.

a) Learn to ignore her. What's she doing? She's being silent and looking at you. Say nothing back then. Let it blow over.

b) Ignore the glares and silent treatment and just be pleasant. "Good morning! Want some coffee? *glare* Ok, I'll take that as a no. Have a nice day!" and just get on with your life. Don't get involved with their fights.

c) If either one of them tries to put you in the middle wanting to talk about the other one? Say "No, thank you. I don't want to be put in the middle. I suggest you talk to each other directly."

d) If she's a total PITA roomie? Stop living with her so you don't have to watch this when they argue. Go argue over THERE at her place so you home can be more peaceful and you don't have to go around playing peacemaker or walking on eggshells.

e) Some combo of the above or something else I can't think of right now.


SH can have her door locked (not problem with that one reason we go her a locking door for her privacy) now only reason I know it was locked is SH does get upset if DW or myself do not say goodbye to her in the morning and love you and we usually poke our head her room (alot times she is out in the kitchen etc) but when DW went to tell SH bye love you noticed door locked which 90 percent of the time she does when she is mad (which again is fine) so we just holler thru the door to her

So carry on as usual and holler goodbye thru the door and don't think more about it.

It's like you are living with a grumpy toddler or something. I'm not trying to be mean about it but with the tantrum and acting out and locking doors... jeez. So much drama over NOTHING. I'm not sure why you have been friends for so long if this is how she behaves.

She told him to go. He left. If that's not what she really wanted? She could communicate what she really wants and stop expecting people to be mind readers.

On your end? Don't be the mind reader. Just take whatever she says at face value and roll with it.

If people taking her words at face values means she doesn't get what she actually wants? She is the one in charge of what words come out of her face. She can learn to say what she actually means and ask for what she actually needs.

I personally think we all need better communication (maybe I am wrong there) but if one of us, me DW or SH have an issues with each other it should be talked out. (unfortunately DW and SH are both stubborn about this and the type that thinks they are right and not in the wrong or thinks the other should make the first step, so I have gave up trying to fix things or getting people to talk) except DW said he would talk to SH about this issue.

If your communication style is not compatible with husband? I guess I wonder why you are with him. Much less participating in this polyship with him and another one who is a poor communicator. Where is the fun/pleasure in all this for you?

You don't have to be doing all this extra emotional labor to get them to patch things up. Stop being their "relationship coach."

I get it is not pleasant to live in a house where one of the roomies is doing glares and silent treatment and is all up and down drama.

If you have known she's like this after 35 years of knowing her? I'm not sure why you would be ok with him dating her or moving her in.

But you did -- so you either find a way to work it out, ignore her moods, or decide to stop living together because it's too much of a drag.

I could be wrong, but most of the time when you write in your posts, it's like you are bending over backwards to accommodate these people and trying to live off scraps of DH attention. Are you? :(

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Cabinlife,

Personally, I do not feel that you have done anything wrong, nor do I feel that you owe anyone any apology here. If anything, the bad behavior was done by SH. She slapped DW's hand away and told him to go home. Then when he does what she told him to do, she gets mad at him, and at you too for good measure. If you'll forgive my saying so, you seem to get way too involved in DW-SH matters, and SH makes the most of that. If SH is going to treat you awful, maybe it's time to take a step back in the friendship with her. Ignore her ire if you can, and if you can't, consider moving to a separate domicile (or moving her to a separate domicile). Heck, maybe it's time for DW to start thinking about breaking up with SH. Or maybe he is still too deep in NRE with her to see it that way. [shrug] Either way, it shouldn't be your problem, it should be his (and SH's).

Such are my opinions here,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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