Feeling Inadequate

M

MsEmotional

Member
I am feeling inadequate sexually and I don’t know where else to turn. I don’t really have a “question” but if anyone has words of wisdom or support, I would appreciate them.

I am feeling really depressed today because of a conversation that I had with Whiskers this past weekend. We had just had some amazing sex — not the best, but sex with him is always amazing even when not the absolute best. We were lying in bed when he asked me what it looked like when I masturbate. I honestly couldn’t even remember the last time I had masturbated, so I wasn’t even sure what to say, and so I shrugged and said I wasn’t sure because it doesn’t happen all that often. He asked how often and I told him probably about once a month if we are talking about truly solo sexual activity — not including self-stimulation done in the presence of partners.

He was surprised and asked why it was so infrequent. I explained that, on my own, I am not able to reach the internal parts of my clitoris (g-spot) that I enjoy having stimulated and that I have not found a “tool” (dildo, vibrator, etc) that stimulates me in the way that I want either. So basically if I want to have sex I just find a partner and have sex. Shrug — no big deal.

He noted that when we have sex I have lots of orgasms and asked whether that’s what it’s like when I am on my own as well. I said no, that it is tricky enough for me to cum while masturbating in the first place — once I do, I am done.

I turned it around and asked him the same question — he said that he went through phases — masturbating every day sometimes and going 3 weeks at a time without masturbating at other times. That sounded reasonable to me — pretty much exactly like what I had described. “Once a month” and “once every three weeks” sounds like the same level of frequency to me, but whatever.

But he said of my masturbation habits that “that sounds sad”. I asked why — its not like I am unhappy about it....I just find a person to have sex with. He said it sounded like I wasn’t comfortable with my body. Again, I don’t really get it. I shrugged and said maybe if I were bendier I would enjoy it more. Then he told me about a yoga place that was all about body positivity and marketed toward fat people.

So I guess I didn’t feel all that crappy at the time, but over the last two days I have fallen into a serious funk about it and I have no idea if/how I can recover. Basically the thoughts that are going through my head are:

1. I am fat.
2. I am so fat that I can’t even masturbate “appropriately” and rely on my partners for all my orgasms.
3. What I thought of as an amazing and enjoyable sex life is actually a sad and dreary existence. If I were a real woman who was actually sex-positive I would be masturbating daily.
4. Whiskers pities me because I am so fat and uncomfortable with my body.

I feel like it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with my body before, but I sure do now.
 
Hey, some people just aren't all that into masturbation, especially when they have three sex partners. I mean, you seem to be getting it pretty regularly, right?

I doubt it has anything to do with your weight. Overweight women masturbate all the time. Women in general all do it differently. There is nothing wrong with your choices.

Once again the problem seems to be Whiskers. I think this latest passive-agressive behavior stems from his insecurities...again.

You were happy until he was a dick. Don't be unhappy with yourself, be unhappy with him.
 
That's something I MIGHT say to a single woman with no dating prospects - after all, women are generally more victimized by sex-negative attitudes in society. But even then I'd try to frame it in a more empowering way and respect personal preferences.

Saying that to someone who is maintaining multiple sexual relationships? That's insensitive at best. I'm sure you're fine the way you are (well, as sure as I can be only knowing you from this single post).
 
But he said of my masturbation habits that “that sounds sad”. I asked why — its not like I am unhappy about it....I just find a person to have sex with. He said it sounded like I wasn’t comfortable with my body. Again, I don’t really get it. I shrugged and said maybe if I were bendier I would enjoy it more. Then he told me about a yoga place that was all about body positivity and marketed toward fat people.
Click to expand...

Is this his idea of making conversation post-sex? Picking at you for your preferences in masturbation? I find that weird. I wonder if he's playing head games?

Why's he picking at you? Or trying to "fix" something where there isn't any problem? :confused:

And then why are you internalizing his weird and then carry on picking at yourself? When someone chucks baggage at you, you are not obligated to pick it up.

You seem to pick at yourself a lot. I caught up on your blog.

If you are picking at yourself and those thoughts lead to you feeling depressed? Stop doing those thinking pattern things.

Make peace with your body, enjoy that Kippah loves your body, and let go of whatever your Mom said about "being beautiful if you lost weight."

You are already enough, already beautiful, and if your mom was/is projecting HER body weird on to you? You are a grown up now. You don't have to carry her baggage around for her. You can let it go.

And you certainly don't have to pick up Whisker's baggage either.

Not everyone is into masturbation. You have also have several partners to keep up with to boot. It's ok to like what you like, and that it isn't the same as other people.

I suggest not picking at yourself. What for? How does that add to your quality of life?

I suggest not allowing people to pick at you like that either. Could stop doing JADE. Don't justify, argue, defend, or explain. Could have ended that whole conversation at

He said of my masturbation habits that “that sounds sad”.

I said "I'm happy with it and the rest of my sex life. We are different people. We don't have to masturbate the same."​

Boom. End of convo.

Be ok taking up the space you do in the world. And if he's chronically being annoying/fresh? Doesn't help bring out your best self? You feel crud around him?

Well...You don't have to keep him around.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks everyone. Yeah I am definitely *letting* this get into my head, and GalaGirl you are absolutely correct that this is a pattern that I let myself get swallowed up in.

As far as whether he is playing head games, I doubt that he was. I don’t think he ever intends to be hurtful — he just isn’t very sensitive — in particular when he is taken off-guard. I think he was genuinely surprised — he views me as being very lusty and having a high sex drive and so he assumed that I would masturbate frequently and with the same level of enthusiasm as I put into sex. When I didn’t meet that expectation I think he was surprised and disappointed and he voiced that — he probably didn’t intend to make me feel like I had disappointed *him*....but that was the effect.
 
Glad you recognize the pattern. Hopefully that is a first step to NOT traveling that road again. Just... nope. Don't wanna.

You are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the driver in charge. You are the one doing stuff or thinking the things. Then experiencing the emotions that ensue. If it feels fun? Keep doing the thing or thinking the thing. If it feels crap? Cut it out.

As far as whether he is playing head games, I doubt that he was. I don’t think he ever intends to be hurtful — he just isn’t very sensitive — in particular when he is taken off-guard.
Click to expand...

Another reason for you not to take his stuff on board for yourself then. If you choose to date someone who is kinda clunky conversation wise? Be ok with him being clunky, and if he clunks? Leave it on the floor.

Don't "adopt" new baggage for you to carry around.

If he clunks and it bugs you? Learn to say "Do you know how that sounded? To me it sounds like you are saying ____. Did you actually mean it that way?"

If you aren't gonna leave the bag on the floor? And are gonna pick it up? Then hand it back to HIM then, don't adopt it for you.

I think he was genuinely surprised — he views me as being very lusty and having a high sex drive and so he assumed that I would masturbate frequently and with the same level of enthusiasm as I put into sex.
Click to expand...

His assumptions are his problem to deal with, not yours.

And if you assume he is assuming? Could stop doing that too. Do less. It's very freeing!

When you date someone, presumably they like you fine how you are. You don't have to put on a "show" like you are trying to be the thing you THINK they want rather than just being.

Just be. It's easier.

When I didn’t meet that expectation I think he was surprised and disappointed and he voiced that — he probably didn’t intend to make me feel like I had disappointed *him*....but that was the effect.
Click to expand...

He can't just be disappointed or whatever -- full stop? :confused:

You have to take it personally like it is something YOU did or did not do that causes his emotions?

If he does thinking behavior (assuming things) that leads to him having bummed out feelings later? His emotional management and correcting his assumptions is his job, not yours.

If you hear his feelings and then YOU think you are responsible for them and start on the path of "I suck" thoughts picking at yourself? At that point that is YOUR behavior, not his. He cannot MAKE you feel things. You do actions or thinking that causes your feelings to ensue.

And if that thinking behavior leads to you feeling crap later? I hope you choose to recognize it when you start going down that path and can tell yourself "Self? We've BEEN on this hike before. It sucks. It bores me to deal in that again -- we already know at the end of that hike is the pile of old crap feelings. Let's skip visiting the pile today! I don't feel like sniffing it."

Be ok being your own SEPARATE person from Whiskers. Be ok taking up the space you do in the world. Be ok not being emotionally responsible for all. You do not have to be responsible for the whole world. That would be exhausting.

If it is hard to bloom because YOU pick up burdens from the floor at random? Quit picking up other people's random stuff. Stop burying yourself in that stuff.

Give yourself to come out from under that and enjoy being in the sun.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi MsE,

I always thought masturbation was a private matter. I don't think I would ask my partner whether she does it, much less how often and why! Whiskers may not have intended to give you a bad time, but he did give you a bad time, that was the effect of the words he spoke to you. You are right, he is hella insensitive. I guess when he says stuff like that to you, you just have to "consider the source."

FWIW, I'm fat, I have sex a couple of times a month at the most, and I masturbate a couple of times a year at the most. I don't consider myself sad, neglected, or sex-negative. I just don't need sex as often as I suppose most people do. Is that so awful? Sex-positivity is an attitude, not a contest. It's not like there's some quota you have to meet. Are asexual people sex-negative? not necessarily.

Anyway those are my thoughts ... I hope it helps.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Honestly I'd be pissed at Whiskers. Maybe he genuinely was caught off guard by the fact that you don't masturbate frequently but that doesn't excuse him calling your habits "sad", telling you that you must not be comfortable in your own body, or suggesting you need a sex positive yoga place for fat people! In your shoes I probably would have told him he needed a class for tactless people!

If you're happy with your sex life, and happy with the quality and frequency of solo sex, then ignore his comments. Its really not his business.

Thing is, to me, being sex positive means embracing my own sexuality.... and expressing it in ways that work for ME. And it means allowing others to do the same for themselves. Its not presuming I know what's best for someone else or judging them.
 
Last edited:
I get the idea that Whiskers wanted to imagine you jilling off alone, using toys and all fancy. That fantasy got him off. When he found out you rarely masturbate, his fantasy balloon popped. Oh, poor Whiskers. Has amazing sex and gets to see you touch yourself, but can't keep imagining what you do solo as being all fancy and porn video-like. Sucks to be him! :p ;)

You introduced the idea you're not flexible enough to touch your G spot in the right way to get off more than once. He just awkwardly ran with it, trying to "help," by suggesting yoga for fat people.

Maybe he needs a gag in his mouth so he can't put his foot in it.
 
Magdlyn said:
I get the idea that Whiskers wanted to imagine you jilling off alone, using toys and all fancy. That fantasy got him off. When he found out you rarely masturbate, his fantasy balloon popped. Oh, poor Whiskers. Has amazing sex and gets to see you touch yourself, but can't keep imagining what you do solo as being all fancy and porn video-like. Sucks to be him! :p ;)

You introduced the idea you're not flexible enough to touch your G spot in the right way to get off more than once. He just awkwardly ran with it, trying to "help," by suggesting yoga for fat people.

Maybe he needs a gag in his mouth so he can't put his foot in it.
Click to expand...

Yeah, no, that's rediculous. As long as you're getting off to your satisfaction, who cares how you do it?
 
Yeah, I'd be more unhappy with Whiskers than anything else.

I have an extremely high sex drive, but I only masturbate a few times a month. And it has nothing to do with my weight. I am currently fat (although down 64lbs this year) but I masturbate no less than I did when I was thin. I just don't really like the somewhat mechanical feeling of getting off on my own unless I really feel like I need it. I prefer sex with a partner because I enjoy the energy between us, not just the orgasms.
 
Update

Thanks everyone. I tried to just blow it off, consider the source, etc. but it was still bothering me after 4 days or so and so I went ahead and met up with him and told him how I was feeling.

It worked out well. I didn’t even have to explain very much — he understood right away why it was hurtful and immediately apologized for not being more considerate. He asked what he could do to mitigate the harm that had been done and I honestly just felt like feeling heard and acknowledged was all that I needed.

Thanks everyone.
 
Glad it worked out.

Sounds like being direct in communication with whoever annoyed you serves you better than mulling it round about in your head over and over.

Good work!

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks for that update; I'm glad everything worked out.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top