Feeling insecure, husband controlling, ignores me

[SwirlyEyes]

Good day. This is my first time writing about something like this. I suggested for us to try being poly last year, after being together for over 20 years. We have been taking things slowly. Fast forward to February, and he found someone to click with. I was happy for him. He told me he wouldn't let me talk to her until after they met up. Okay, fine. I was not happy, but went with it. Finally I met her (after they had sex without me, mind you). She is wonderful, so sweet and fun to talk to.

Falling in love was not in the cards, nor was starting a relationship. He is telling her he loves her, they are wearing jewelry to represent one another. He has had her stay overnight. You get the idea.

He 'asks' me if it's okay, then gets angry when I get angry about this.

They are moving too fast. They have had fights. He is extremely jealous and possessive of her. He got angry because she wanted to talk to other people, and really angry about other men in her life.

He didn't tell me that they were in a relationship until the next day. He was waiting for me to not be in a foul mood over them. He didn't tell me about the jewelry they wear for each other. I had to find that out when I helped him with something on his phone.

He expects me to stay by his side to cuddle, but then grabs his phone to talk to her all day, ignoring me completely.

I have cried and cried about this. He doesn't care, he says. He is doing this his way. He doesn't stay on his phone when he is with her talking to me.

I have tried my best to stay positive.

He tells me he loves me, that he will pay attention to me, then he goes back to what he was doing. This hurts a lot.

She stayed over one night and we had fun talking one day. He used a baby camera to watch and record our conversation. He got angry because I said some things that were bothering me, and she had her own concerns. Granted, we were not completely nice about everything, but he sees nothing wrong with getting angry at us about this and wants to post the video for all to see. He has told me I am just there to help in the household now. He is refusing to wear his wedding ring. I had to fight tooth and nail to get him to wear it the past three months.

I am in a very dark place. I keep reassuring myself that his NRE will wear off, but it hasn't. And yes, two months isn't enough time, but if someone loves you unconditionally, wouldn't you want to give them your undivided attention, as well? She is very two-sided because I have mentioned how he is glued to his phone all day and night with her while I just sit by and watch, being ignored, and yelled at when I want some love or attention. She says that isn't okay, but then allows it to happen.

I am very close to filing for separation with not a dime to my name because I can't take much more of this. I am not the best person in the world, but if I want an hour or two alone with my husband phone-free, I should be able to have that, right?

Edit: I failed to mention that he got mad at me when I said I wanted to start looking for a potential female partner for myself. I have a dating profile now, so at least I have that.

 

[Warmknights]

I failed to mention that he got mad at me when I said I wanted to start looking for a potential female partner for myself. I have a dating profile now, so at least I have that.

Hey, totally new to this site, but, hang on. I though poly was to enhance things? You do not sound all that happy.

 

[SwirlyEyes]

I'm new to this site, too so don't worry. It was, but all of the rules he made and that we agreed upon, went out thr window.

 

[Warmknights]

So, as the phrase goes, grow a pair! Screaming + shouting doesn't seem to get you anywhere. I heard a phrase " you know when he is really serious, he lowered his voice and speaks very deliberately"
Set rules and set them in stone

 

[SwirlyEyes]

I wish it were that easy. I want to make things work, but there is barely any respect from him or myself, honestly. I am nice to the girl, but I don't exactly try to keep the peace between him and me. But I also don't want to be neglected while he texts her all day and night. This is seriously rough.

 

[Magdlyn]

Good day. This is my first time writing about something like this. I suggested for us to try being poly last year, after being together for over 20 years. We have been taking things slowly. Fast forward to February, and he found someone to click with. I was happy for him. He told me he wouldn't let me talk to her until after they met up. Okay, fine. I was not happy, but went with it. Finally I met her (after they had sex without me, mind you). She is wonderful, so sweet and fun to talk to.

Falling in love was not in the cards, nor was starting a relationship.

But you suggested being "poly." Do you mean you suggested having an open relationship where only casual sex was okay? Then that is not polyamory. Polyamory means "many loves." Poly means many in Greek, and amory means love in Latin.

He is telling her he loves her, they are wearing jewelry to represent one another. He has had her stay overnight. You get the idea.

Yes, it sounds like they are infatuated with each other. It also sounds like you two got into polyamory without having done much research or truly agreeing on how to go about it. I understand. I did the same thing when I tried to open my relationship with my ex husband back in 1999. He suggested opening so I could explore my bi side. We thought we'd have threesome sex with this friend of ours who seemed willing. Unfortunately, she lied when she said she was into me, and only wanted him. He fell head over heels for her, NRE out the wazoo.

He 'asks' me if it's okay, then gets angry when I get angry about this.

He doesn't need your permission, but he does need your consent in how you two go about practicing polyamory.

I suggest you read the book Opening Up to get a clearer picture of what's going on here, what mistakes you've made, how to avoid further pain and disasater.

They are moving too fast. They have had fights. He is extremely jealous and possessive of her. He got angry because she wanted to talk to other people, and really angry about other men in her life.

Well, he's not polyamorous, then. You can have jealousy when learning to negotiate poly, but the whole point is being open and everyone being able to seek more love. Occasionally people have "closed Vs" or "triads," where the love is supposed to remain just between three people, but that is unusual, and must be honestly discussed and joyfully agreed-upon by all involved.

He didn't tell me that they were in a relationship until the next day. He was waiting for me to not be in a foul mood over them. He didn't tell me about the jewelry they wear for each other. I had to find that out when I helped him with something on his phone.

He expects me to stay by his side to cuddle, but then grabs his phone to talk to her all day, ignoring me completely.

I have cried and cried about this. He doesn't care, he says. He is doing this his way. He doesn't stay on his phone when he is with her talking to me.

In poly, each dyad must get their own dedicated date time. Most established couples have to agree to have dedicated date time, where phones are put away and they focus on each other.

I have tried my best to stay positive.

He tells me he loves me, that he will pay attention to me, then he goes back to what he was doing. This hurts a lot.

She stayed over one night and we had fun talking one day. He used a baby camera to watch and record our conversation. He got angry because I said some things that were bothering me, and she had her own concerns.

Okay, he secretly recorded you two talking? Excuse me, but that's sick. And of course, it's entirely disrespectful, and weird.

Granted, we were not completely nice about everything, but he sees nothing wrong with getting angry at us about this and wants to post the video for all to see.

What? Like, on Facebook or something? What on earth?

He has told me I am just there to help in the household now.

Okay, that's it then. Walk away.

He is refusing to wear his wedding ring. I had to fight tooth and nail to get him to wear it the past three months.

He's done with you.

I am in a very dark place. I keep reassuring myself that his NRE will wear off, but it hasn't. And yes, two months isn't enough time, but if someone loves you unconditionally, wouldn't you want to give them your undivided attention, as well?

His behavior is atrocious. This has not gone well. I recommend counseling, at the very least, if you even want to keep trying.

She is very two-sided because I have mentioned how he is glued to his phone all day and night with her while I just sit by and watch, being ignored, and yelled at when I want some love or attention. She says that isn't okay, but then allows it to happen.

She can do whatever. She is not your concern.

I am very close to filing for separation with not a dime to my name because I can't take much more of this.

I don't blame you. You'll get alimony if you divorce.

I am not the best person in the world, but if I want an hour or two alone with my husband phone-free, I should be able to have that, right?

Of course, you should be able to have more than that. But we can't deny that someone who is experiencing NRE for the first time in 20 years can do crazy things.

Edit: I failed to mention that he got mad at me when I said I wanted to start looking for a potential female partner for myself. I have a dating profile now, so at least I have that.

Well, sure. Polyamory means you can both date others. You can date any gender you want. Your husband is not your boss or dad; he doesn't get to tell you what to do.

 

[Warmknights]

But you suggested being "poly." Do you mean you suggested having an open relationship where only casual sex was okay? Then that is not polyamory. Polyamory means "many loves." Poly means many in Greek, and amory means love in Latin.

Yes, it sounds like they are infatuated with each other. It also sounds like you two got into polyamory without having done much research or truly agreeing on how to go about it. I understand. I did the same thing when I tried to open my relationship with my ex husband back in 1999. He suggested opening so I could explore my bi side. We thought we'd have threesome sex with this friend of ours who seemed willing. Unfortunately, she lied when she said she was into me, and only wanted him. He fell head over heels for her, NRE out the wazoo.

He doesn't need your permission, but he does need your consent in how you two go about practicing polyamory.

I suggest you read the book Opening Up to get a clearer picture of what's going on here, what mistakes you've made, how to avoid further pain and disasater.

Well, he's not polyamorous, then. You can have jealousy when learning to negotiate poly, but the whole point is being open and everyone being able to seek more love. Occasionally people have "closed Vs" or "triads," where the love is supposed to remain just between three people, but that is unusual, and must be honestly discussed and joyfully agreed-upon by all involved.

In poly, each dyad must get their own dedicated date time. Most established couples have to agree to have dedicated date time, where phones are put away and they focus on each other.


Okay, he secretly recorded you two talking? Excuse me, but that's sick. And of course, it's entirely disrespectful, and weird.

What? Like, on Facebook or something? What on earth?

Okay, that's it then. Walk away.

He's done with you.

His behavior is atrocious. This has not gone well. I recommend counseling, at the very least, if you even want to keep trying.

She can do whatever. She is not your concern.

I don't blame you. You'll get alimony if you divorce.

Of course, you should be able to have more than that. But we can't deny that someone who is experiencing NRE for the first time in 20 years can do crazy things.

Well, sure. Polyamory means you can both date others. You can date any gender you want. Your husband is not your boss or dad; he doesn't get to tell you what to do.

Hey, mag, may I say, great reply....

 

[Rechristening]

But you suggested being "poly." Do you mean you suggested having an open relationship where only casual sex was okay? Then that is not polyamory. Polyamory means "many loves." Poly means many in Greek, and amory means love in Latin.

Yes, it sounds like they are infatuated with each other. It also sounds like you two got into polyamory without having done much research or truly agreeing on how to go about it. I understand. I did the same thing when I tried to open my relationship with my ex husband back in 1999. He suggested opening so I could explore my bi side. We thought we'd have threesome sex with this friend of ours who seemed willing. Unfortunately, she lied when she said she was into me, and only wanted him. He fell head over heels for her, NRE out the wazoo.

He doesn't need your permission, but he does need your consent in how you two go about practicing polyamory.

I suggest you read the book Opening Up to get a clearer picture of what's going on here, what mistakes you've made, how to avoid further pain and disasater.

Well, he's not polyamorous, then. You can have jealousy when learning to negotiate poly, but the whole point is being open and everyone being able to seek more love. Occasionally people have "closed Vs" or "triads," where the love is supposed to remain just between three people, but that is unusual, and must be honestly discussed and joyfully agreed-upon by all involved.

In poly, each dyad must get their own dedicated date time. Most established couples have to agree to have dedicated date time, where phones are put away and they focus on each other.


Okay, he secretly recorded you two talking? Excuse me, but that's sick. And of course, it's entirely disrespectful, and weird.

What? Like, on Facebook or something? What on earth?

Okay, that's it then. Walk away.

He's done with you.

His behavior is atrocious. This has not gone well. I recommend counseling, at the very least, if you even want to keep trying.

She can do whatever. She is not your concern.

I don't blame you. You'll get alimony if you divorce.

Of course, you should be able to have more than that. But we can't deny that someone who is experiencing NRE for the first time in 20 years can do crazy things.

Well, sure. Polyamory means you can both date others. You can date any gender you want. Your husband is not your boss or dad; he doesn't get to tell you what to do.

When I made the final decision to not have a polyamorous relationship with my partner, I did it because I knew that I wanted polyamory starting alone, with my own baggage and not have to deal with a partner who wasn't able to face their own actions/fears/worries.

I guess this whole situation is making you crazy. You might want to move out. Separate for 6 months to a year, live your best life of curiosity, and heal. You deserve a peaceful start into your new life, without the disrespect following you around and bringing you down. Good luck. Big hugs.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello SwirlyEyes,

It sounds like he is getting considerably more involved with her, than what you and he had agreed upon in the beginning. He is falling in love, and starting a relationship, and even not telling you that he is doing that until the next day. He is breaking with his agreement with you, without consulting with you on it first. This is not fair of him to do. He should put on the brakes, and drive in reverse.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He is jealous and possessive of her. He gets angry because she wants to talk to other people. He gets really angry about other men in her life. This is not fair to her. She is a wonderful person, she is sweet and fun to talk to. She deserves better than what he is offering.

You are a good person. You deserve better than what he is offering you. He is keeping secrets from you. He expects you to stay by his side, while he ignores you and talks to her on his phone all day. You did nothing wrong to deserve this kind of treatment.

If he won't treat you right, treat yourself right.
Sad for you and with sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

It sounds like you were up for casual sex or casual group sex. You were NOT up for polyamory. "Polyamory" means "many loves," having another GF/BF/partner and sharing love and sex with them, a full relationship.

He 'asks' me if it's okay, then gets angry when I get angry about this.

Well, if you meant "open," but use the word "polyamory," you can see why this would be upsetting for both sides, right? He thought he agreed to one thing and you thought you were agreeing to something else.

They are moving too fast. They have had fights. He is extremely jealous and possessive of her. He got angry because she wanted to talk to other people, and really angry about other men in her life.

All his stuff is in the (Husband + Lady) relationship. You don't have to know ANY of that. You are not his free therapist/relationship coach.

It is worrisome that he does this to both of you. And he's so ANGRY. It's like he's harem building or something -- only he gets to date more than one partner, and everyone else has to be loyal to HIM.

He expects me to stay by his side to cuddle, but then grabs his phone to talk to her all day, ignoring me completely.

I have cried and cried about this. He doesn't care, he says. He is doing this his way. He doesn't stay on his phone when he is with her talking to me.

That sounds MEAN. Is this poly hell because he's gone bananas with new relationship energy (NRE)?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Even before this, would he talk to you in a mean way?

She stayed over one night and we had fun talking one day. He used a baby camera to watch and record our conversation.

Were you both aware that a baby camera was on in the house? Or did he SPY on you two? If he's spying, that is a gross violation of consent.

He got angry because I said some things that were bothering me, and she had her own concerns. Granted, we were not completely nice about everything, but he sees nothing wrong with getting angry at us about this and wants to post the video for all to see. He has told me I am just there to help in the household now. He is refusing to wear his wedding ring. I had to fight tooth and nail to get him to wear it the past three months.

This is really awful behavior. If he posts the video or you can get it -- GET IT. You may need it for evidence in your divorce if you intend to leave.

I am in a very dark place. I keep reassuring myself that his NRE will wear off, but it hasn't. And yes, two months isn't enough time, but if someone loves you unconditionally, wouldn't you want to give them your undivided attention, as well? She is very two-sided because I have mentioned how he is glued to his phone all day and night with her while I just sit by and watch, being ignored, and yelled at when I want some love or attention. She says that isn't okay, but then allows it to happen.

It is understandable that you are in a dark place. He's behaving awfully toward you.

Do you expect her to control his behavior? HE is responsible for his behavior.

I'm concerned he is becoming neglectful and kind of mean or abusive towards you.

I am very close to filing for separation with not a dime to my name because I can't take much more of this. I am not the best person in the world, but if I want an hour or two alone with my husband phone-free, I should be able to have that, right?

I would not blame you for wanting to separate/divorce. This whole things sounds awful. I think you could talk to a lawyer and to talk about the laws where you live. I also think you could go for half of what he has.

And if you have anything in joint checking, take out half NOW and open your OWN bank accounts, if you don't have separate banking already. It takes two to go to the bank to close an account or change names on the account. But it only takes ONE to go and take out money from a joint account and leave it empty. Don't take more than your share, and sort out whatever other property in mediation/with lawyers. But you do need some money to live on, to set up a new flat, and see a lawyer if you move out. If you don't already have a job, you'd have to look for a temp job too.

"Starve the spouse" is a common tactic.

Edit: I failed to mention that he got mad at me when I said I wanted to start looking for a potential female partner for myself. I have a dating profile now, so at least I have that.

It sounds like he wants open for him, but not for you. AND he wants to demote you to being his housekeeper.

If this is an open marriage now, you don't have to go along with his idea that it is only open for him and only he gets to date. You can date other people if you want to.

Are you safe enough there? Just in case this keeps escalating...

List of domestic violence hotlines - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

You might need a safe-leaving plan. Talk to people who can help you.

Galagirl